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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you expect your spouse to say something?

210 replies

illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 06:39

Spouse A is a step parent to Spouse B's children. They also share DC.

A's parents have come into some money recently and have offered to treat A, B and their shared children to a holiday but have suggested B pays for their older children to go (A's stepchildren).

A's parents don't have much if any relationship with the stepchildren and they are now teens.

A doesn't see the problem and refuses to bring it up with their parents, B thinks it is a problem and they should.

WWYD?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 10/05/2024 10:52

Well they absolutely cannot bring it up with the grandparents! You don't tell people to spend more money on you.

Bs children have their own grandparents. Are they expected to treat As children exactly the same as their own grandchildren?

FrangipaniBlue · 10/05/2024 10:55

A is being an arsehole.

Even with separate finances A and B should be splitting the cost (or at least B contributing something) so that the SDC can go on the family holiday.

A's attitude is a bit "I'm alright Jack"

FrangipaniBlue · 10/05/2024 10:59

Basically A and the joint children are getting a free holiday.

B is not, because let's face it, no reasonable caring adult would leave the SDC out!

I'm going to guess that as there are young children involved B is not the higher earner either......

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 10/05/2024 10:59

I don't know if I see A being an arsehole. All children have 2 involved parents and 2 involved families. Should the step children be provided for by 3 parents, 3 families? Therefore favoured above the shared children? Or should step children's family also be expected to include the other children in everything?

It's unclear whether the step children actually live in the family. Do they? If so then A is already supporting them by default. It's no harm to look for a contribution from both parents of the step children to go on a holiday. That way each set of children are being provided for by their respective parents/grandparents.

A gift has been offered. It would be crass to go back saying "actually you should give us more".

caringcarer · 10/05/2024 11:03

BananaLambo · 10/05/2024 06:59

I think their offer is reasonable. They’re still paying for 4 (?) people, so the family is getting a holiday for 6 (?) for the price of two. It might be better to think of it as the grandparents making a contribution towards a holiday for all of you. If the grandparents don’t really know the step children then I don’t know why they should be expected to foot the bill for a holiday for them.

This grandparents making a generous contribution towards holiday. B possibly with help from A can pay for 2 teens. A cheap family holiday. No need to tell DC or teens who is paying for what.

Itsonlymashadow · 10/05/2024 11:06

illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 10:06

A does expect B to solely pay for their children to go.

Finances are separate so there isn't a family pot as such.

How are the rest of the finances set up?

MrsWhites · 10/05/2024 11:10

illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 10:06

A does expect B to solely pay for their children to go.

Finances are separate so there isn't a family pot as such.

Well this isn’t a step grand-parent issue - this is a husband/wife issue.

Parent B cannot expect the in laws to stump up for their children’s holiday when their partner won’t!

CountingCrones · 10/05/2024 11:12

If finance is always separate, then yes, it’s on B to fund their own teens.

Maddy70 · 10/05/2024 11:17

No he shouldnt say anything. The grandparents are treating their grandchildren

spannered · 10/05/2024 11:23

My BIL and his wife have a baby, and she has an older child (in their early teens). We have all made a huge effort with the teen to include them as a part of our family. The child was around 8 when they met. There's not a chance we (or grandparents) would pay for BIL's bio child and not their step child.

BIL has built a life with his wife and their children (bio and step). It's on us to make both his wife and her child feel just as much a part of our family as their bio child. They all come as a package and that's how it should be!

agncndmkd128494 · 10/05/2024 11:24

I agree with parent A. Assuming grandparents are not millionaires then I think it's fine for them to only pay for joint DC, it's not like they're not inviting Step children at all and it's still a cheaper holiday if you're only paying for 2 kids.
Also this holiday might bring you all closer?

elenathevampireslayer · 10/05/2024 11:33

I hate these situations.

I read on another thread yesterday someone said its not necessarily the issue at the time, its the fact that most blended families see themselves as one, where as a lot of the time, everyone else looks at them as 'blended families' and that's where it becomes a shock.

I can see this from both sides. I grew up with my dad having a wife, who was always lovely but her parents literally never took an interest in me. I met them when I was 9 and tbf, dad was a weekend Dad so I didn't spend much time with them. I was very much 'his' child and she was never my step mum or them my 'Grandparents'

I had a child before I met my now husband, who's never had any contact with her biological dad. My husband met her at the age of 2 and she's treated very equally among the rest of the children. We also have a child together. My MIL/FIL have recently taken us away for a weekend and paid for us all, not three of us. All 4 of us.

I can't imagine singling one ( or multiple ) children out on something like this.

I think the only thing you can do is accept the 'gift' as money towards a holiday for you all and put the rest yourselves between you and your husband, this way its not 'GP's have paid for X and Y and we've paid for A and B' ... GP's have just paid money towards the whole holiday.

SpringerFall · 10/05/2024 11:35

Blended families happen and the parents of the children should all treat them as equal but no where it says grandparents other family have too

Ereyraa · 10/05/2024 11:39

illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 10:06

A does expect B to solely pay for their children to go.

Finances are separate so there isn't a family pot as such.

If finances are separate then this should be no different.

B pays if they want their older DC to come.

A goes with joint DC’s and DGP’s if not.

In no instance would you ask the DGP’s for pay for the SDC

HappyEater · 10/05/2024 11:49

Are you going to tell us if you’re A or B, OP?

If you don’t, I’ll assume you’re B

SherrieElmer · 10/05/2024 11:57

I don't see anything wrong with that scenario. If anything spouse B is a shit stirrer for wanting to meddle in A's parents gift. It is not for B to say in what the money should be spent on.
I am siding with A here. So B, if you are reading this, quit being a shit stirrer.

Crazycrazylady · 10/05/2024 11:57

I think in general it's unfair to expect grandparents to pay to take children on holidays who they're not related not. Not close to and who have their own sets of grandparents who they have a relationship with.
Of course It would be lovely to offer but I'd feel very cheeky asking .

ABirdsEyeView · 10/05/2024 12:20

I do think the key thing here is that the gps don't even really know these kids well - they don't feel like grandparents to them and that's fair enough. It's different in families where the step dc have been raised as the child of the step parent, not in contact with own bio family etc.

I feel quite sorry for the gps - they can't do a nice thing for their own child and grandchildren, without some over entitled bugger making an issue of it!

A and B have separate finances - why is B expecting more of their spouses parents than what happens within their own relationship?

Is B also going to expect their older dc to inherit from step grandparents?

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 10/05/2024 12:35

A and B have separate finances - why is B expecting more of their spouses parents than what happens within their own relationship?

Wow! This actually sums it up perfectly. If B knows A won't contribute to a holiday for the stepchildren why on earth would they think A's parents should?

Ask for a contribution to the holiday from the other (2 sets) of grandparents and parent, then everything fair. If B won't ask they're own parents to contribute it's unfair to ask A's parents to do so.

Workawayxx · 10/05/2024 12:40

I wouldn't expect A to say anything to their parents but would expect the money for the stepDC to come from joint finances or for A to pay half. That seems fair, then everyone benefits from an almost free holiday.

If the stepDC wouldn't particularly enjoy the holiday or they would feel in any way spare parts then, if I was B, I'd spend the money doing a separate holiday and see it as a good opportunity to do that.

Maray1967 · 10/05/2024 12:41

AndSoFinally · 10/05/2024 10:35

Your update changes things. This is not a /DSC issue, it's a relationship issue and has just brought out the problem front and centre

Not only do the grandparents not see the kids as equal (fair enough), but the parents don't see them as equal either and this is a much bigger problem

Yes, that is a huge issue.

titchy · 10/05/2024 12:47

I think A's parents are being very generous with their money in offering a fully paid for trip for their child, grandchildren AND B.

Additionally I think A's parents are being very generous with their leisure time in also welcoming B's children to holiday with them. A's parents could well have said 'actually we don't want to share our holiday with two teens who aren't related to us.' But they haven't.

B should be bloody grateful frankly.

<gavel>

ABirdsEyeView · 10/05/2024 12:52

I don't see why A is expected to treat her step dc equally to her own. Her step dc have 2 fully involved parents - neither of which is A! Her responsibility is to be kind and welcoming to her step dc but not to financially support them or refuse opportunities for her own dc because they come from her children's own relatives.

This is not a blended set up where A has agreed to take on step children as her own, or raised them from a very young age. This is a blended set up where step dc have their own other parent besides B and where A and B have separate finances.

Eggplant44 · 10/05/2024 13:00

Yes, B should say something. B should say, if they want their kids to go, how do I go about paying for my own kids to go? Is it part of a package

Olivie12 · 10/05/2024 13:06

Definitely Team A. Unless the SDC live full time with A, why does A or her parents have to pay for them?

Those kids have 2 parents and presumably 2 sets of GP.

It's good that you have separate finances, A is smart and should go on the trip with her kids.

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