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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you expect your spouse to say something?

210 replies

illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 06:39

Spouse A is a step parent to Spouse B's children. They also share DC.

A's parents have come into some money recently and have offered to treat A, B and their shared children to a holiday but have suggested B pays for their older children to go (A's stepchildren).

A's parents don't have much if any relationship with the stepchildren and they are now teens.

A doesn't see the problem and refuses to bring it up with their parents, B thinks it is a problem and they should.

WWYD?

OP posts:
TemuSpecialBuy · 10/05/2024 07:15

I agree with parent A…

this is also fine. SC have 2 sets of GPs too

A has also said if B doesn't want to go/can't afford to then A will go by themselves with joint children and B can stay home. A doesn't want children to miss out on a holiday with their grandparents.

Itsonlymashadow · 10/05/2024 07:15

illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 07:02

A & B together 7 years. Stepchildren were 5&7 when they met.

A says if B wanted them to have a better relationship with their parents, B should have worked harder to encourage it when they were younger (making the effort to take children to see them etc).

B thinks A's parents have never seemed bothered or like they particularly wanted a relationship from the start.

A's parents do include at Christmas but it is never to the same amount or value as joint children. Birthdays are hit and miss, if they remember they will give some money in a card, sometimes they don't remember and don't get anything.

Joint children are very close to their grandparents in comparison and get treated a lot.

Stepchildrens other parent is around and involved yes and they have involved grandparents on that side.

Edited

So it's never going to be equal.

Does B get annoyed if their oldest kids get more given as they have 2 households, grandparents AND step grandparents?

MultiplaLight · 10/05/2024 07:17

It's never going to be totally equal. Does B expect As other grandparents to buy presents? Thought not.

Itsonlymashadow · 10/05/2024 07:18

illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 07:09

A has also said if B doesn't want to go/can't afford to then A will go by themselves with joint children and B can stay home. A doesn't want children to miss out on a holiday with their grandparents.

This depends on set up finances. If the family have joint family finances, surely the cost of the older children would come out of that?

But I thi k it's perfectly fine for A to go without B.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/05/2024 07:22

Do A and B like each other at all?

NotJohnMajor · 10/05/2024 07:23

Is it over-simplifying to see this as the grandparents giving money towards a family holiday? The GPs have broken it down as paying the costs for A, B and their shared children but in reality it's just a sum of money that will mean less overall has to be spent by A and B on taking the whole family away.

Ereyraa · 10/05/2024 07:24

Which are you, OP?

Brefugee · 10/05/2024 07:33

i guess it's a fact of blended family life? TBH i think it's a nice offer, at least they didn't say "only the A's children and the others can't come at all"

Dearg · 10/05/2024 07:35

I think B wants to find offence in the situation and is therefore not acting sensibly.

There is no logical reason why B should expect the grandparents to pay for unrelated children; but it is rational to look at it as if 2/3 (4 out of 6 people) of the holiday has been paid, so we have to find the additional 1/3.

Stepchildren presumably do ‘stuff’ with the other side of the family. Does A kick off that shared children are not included?

thanKyouaIMee · 10/05/2024 07:37

I'm on As side 🤷

They're not their grandparents, the SC have grandparents on their side to fill that role. I think it's nice of the grandparents to say that the SC can come if A&B pay for it, rather than just saying they'd like to keep it to their actual grandchildren only.

I can't see a reason for B to be offended tbh - the option is open for the SC to be included, they just need to pay for it.

user1492757084 · 10/05/2024 07:38

It's all fine.
The offer of financial help and encouragement to share a holiday is appropriate, kind and generous.

I can't see why B would be annoyed at all.
His older children have four loving grandparents and also sensible step-grandparents who do not over shadow the real grandparents.
His younger children have four loving and generous grandparents who leave it up to A and B as to how best to include the older SC.

PaminaMozart · 10/05/2024 07:40

NotJohnMajor · 10/05/2024 07:23

Is it over-simplifying to see this as the grandparents giving money towards a family holiday? The GPs have broken it down as paying the costs for A, B and their shared children but in reality it's just a sum of money that will mean less overall has to be spent by A and B on taking the whole family away.

Precisely. However, I'm puzzled by this:

A has also said if B doesn't want to go/can't afford to then A will go by themselves with joint children and B can stay home

Which is it - do you not want to go, or you want to but cannot afford it unless the grandparents pay for your children? If the latter, does your husband expect you to pay for the entirety of your children's costs out of your own funds? Would he rather you and his stepchildren miss out altogether?

Does he always see funding his stepchildren as entirely your responsibility? In which case you may have a problem, but it's impossible to determine without knowing details of your family's finances and dynamics.

[NB: I hate all this A and B stuff plus scant details - why not be succinct...]

RainyTulips · 10/05/2024 07:42

I think as long as the money for the SC to join will come out of shared family finances, then that's fine.

If A is expecting B to stump up the money personally then I would feel very put out, but again with A rather than their parents.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 10/05/2024 07:44

Do the children of B live with A and B or with their other parent predominantly?

i think most posters are assuming B is the dad, and the step children live with their mum (C?) most of the time, with every other weekend with A&B. But if the step children mainly live with A&B, this becomes a lot less acceptable.

(also, is it Disney? It usually is)

fourelementary · 10/05/2024 07:45

I’m actually B in this situation though my in laws sadly haven’t offered any money for any holiday. But if they did, and we could afford to pay for the older kids to come too then we would. We would either all go though or not. My husband would actually be more likely to be upset than me about the older ones being excluded and he would refuse to go away without them and tell his parents that we just couldn’t afford to pay for the teenage share but thank you for the offer.
The teenagers grandparents would never be expected to pay for their grandchildren’s half-siblings holidays… so I can see why the in-laws would similarly feel like that. But my husband was actually really upset when his parents gave money one Xmas and told him it was £40 each for the bio kids and £20 each for his step kids. I had to speak to him about how it was okay and they didn’t mind and had other GP too as he is pretty much the sole provider for them in Dad terms I think he just forgot other people wouldn’t be like that too.
In the OP situation I’d be annoyed at A saying B could stay home and miss out though- it’s a family holiday so the family should be going. Or no one go.

MrsWhites · 10/05/2024 07:46

What is A’s relationship like with the children.

If it’s a situation where the children live with you, parent A has a very close ‘parent’ type relationship then I think the parents are being unreasonable but if it’s more of a, they get on well stay over one night a week’ kind of thing then the in-laws aren’t being unreasonable. B should have tried to facilitate more of a relationship with the in-laws if they wanted their kids to be included.

I have step parents myself - one I have a ‘dad’ relationship with and would have always been included but I have less of a relationship with my ‘step-mum’ so haven’t really ever been included in her family.

mitogoshi · 10/05/2024 07:47

To me it also depends on what "come into money" means, inherited £50k is quite different to won £5 million on the lottery. If the latter level, missing out the step grandkids is mean, not so much the former based on the fact they don't have much of a relationship and they have a relationship with the blood relatives (a bit different when dc don't have a relationship with one parent and relatives)

betterangels · 10/05/2024 07:47

Iloveacurry · 10/05/2024 06:53

You said A’s parents don’t have much relationship with the stepchildren, so no, why should they pay?

Agree. Why would they?

ABirdsEyeView · 10/05/2024 07:51

In families where there is no involvement from another mum or dad and the dc are being raised exclusively within a step family set up, I'd say it's nice if extended family respect the relationship of the step parent effectively being the 'real' parent and behaving accordingly.

But where there is an involved other mum/dad and extended family on that side, it's perfectly fine for step mum/dad to be just that and for extended family not to view step kids as the same as their own grandchildren/nephews/nieces.

In short, so long as the kids are all getting similar treats and treatment from their own families then they are all having an equal childhood, which is the ideal.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 10/05/2024 07:52

I think it's fair enough. Both sets of children have 2 sets of active families and grandparents etc. I'm sure you don't expect the grandparents of the step children to also treat the other children. If those grandparents offered to bring their grandchildren away on holiday would you expect them to bring the others too?

They are offering a lovely gesture and giving you the opportunity to bring the other children along. If you can't afford it perhaps ask the other parent and grandparents to contribute.

BreakingAndBroke · 10/05/2024 07:53

Why can't B pay for their kid's holiday? I don't think it is fair to expect grandparents to pay for children they have no relationship with, especially as they have other involved grandparents in the picture. I don't see why they expect the grandparents to pay when the parent doesn't want to pay themselves!

TeenLifeMum · 10/05/2024 07:55

Dc B will have their own grandparents. I think this is totally reasonable for grandparents to want to treat their grandchildren. It’s nice if they can include step grandchildren but don’t turn a nice offer into something sour.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 10/05/2024 07:58

And no, I wouldn't expect my spouse to say something. If someone is offering you a gift then you shouldn't go back asking for more. It's rude. You either accept the gift as given or you decline.

If A wants to go with the children and B isn't happy, then A goes with the children and B stays at home with the others.

Upallnight2 · 10/05/2024 08:01

No. It would be totally inappropriate to ask them to pay for the step kids too. Either accept their gift or decline it

Lavenderflower · 10/05/2024 08:05

I think it would be inappropriate to pay for step-children. You cannot impose step children on grandparents.