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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you expect your spouse to say something?

210 replies

illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 06:39

Spouse A is a step parent to Spouse B's children. They also share DC.

A's parents have come into some money recently and have offered to treat A, B and their shared children to a holiday but have suggested B pays for their older children to go (A's stepchildren).

A's parents don't have much if any relationship with the stepchildren and they are now teens.

A doesn't see the problem and refuses to bring it up with their parents, B thinks it is a problem and they should.

WWYD?

OP posts:
PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 14/05/2024 09:35

illingmeoftly · 10/05/2024 07:02

A & B together 7 years. Stepchildren were 5&7 when they met.

A says if B wanted them to have a better relationship with their parents, B should have worked harder to encourage it when they were younger (making the effort to take children to see them etc).

B thinks A's parents have never seemed bothered or like they particularly wanted a relationship from the start.

A's parents do include at Christmas but it is never to the same amount or value as joint children. Birthdays are hit and miss, if they remember they will give some money in a card, sometimes they don't remember and don't get anything.

Joint children are very close to their grandparents in comparison and get treated a lot.

Stepchildrens other parent is around and involved yes and they have involved grandparents on that side.

Edited

I agree with A, tbh.

And the grandparents are still saving you a considerable amount of money!
You will cover the two older children and the GP will cover 4 additional people. Covering the costs of 2 instead of 6 is clearly financially advantageous...

Nosleepforthismum · 14/05/2024 10:20

Honestly, I think your parents are trying to cause trouble. They can’t be foolish enough to think it wouldn’t. Why would they not say “we’ve come in to some money and would love to go away with you all and we are happy to contribute X towards your share. Let us know what you think”

tara66 · 14/05/2024 10:50

That's quite a lot of people to pay for - B should pay for own children.

OhmygodDont · 14/05/2024 10:55

A shouldn’t have to pay because A & B didn’t want to and don’t combine their finances. You can’t suddenly go oh well actually now Its purely going to benefit me please pay.

A and B’s joint children are paid for. A is paid for. B is paid for. B only has to find the money for two children out of his entire 3/4 children. His already getting a bargain. His not having to foot his own bill or half of the costs of his children with the Op.

Op is also happy for B to stay home if he doesn’t want to holiday without her older children. Basically it’s come or don’t come that’s upto you. If you want the older children to come who don’t have a relationship with my parents who are paying you’ll need to stump up. Fairs fair.

mightymam · 14/05/2024 11:14

Team A

RobinEllacotStrike · 14/05/2024 12:12

My brother married a women with 2 DC and they had DC together. We were all meant to accept the SC as exactly the same as our niceces/nephews. No difference were premitted and to be fair we mostly played along.

But it was all a charade and fell apart as soon as my brothers relationship fell apart.

You can't force relationships, not even in belended familes. Relationships can be built but none of us can force others feelings or behaviour.

Presumably the step childrens mothers parents wouldnt be expected to pay for A's DC to go on holiday if they were paying for the SC's to go.

B needs to suck it up & pay for his kids to go on the holiday.

nickelbabe · 14/05/2024 13:53

I'll never understand the whole "this is yours, that's mine" thing, financially or with family.

You're all family.
Do not insist that your husband should stay at home and miss a holiday with his own children just because your parents won't include his children.

Absolutely petty and ridiculous.

As for "joint finances". Fuck that. You pay for half of the children and husband pays for the other half.

You are being a CF yourself, OP.

Take everyone on holiday and just bloody split the shortfall with your husband.

InterIgnis · 14/05/2024 14:20

nickelbabe · 14/05/2024 13:53

I'll never understand the whole "this is yours, that's mine" thing, financially or with family.

You're all family.
Do not insist that your husband should stay at home and miss a holiday with his own children just because your parents won't include his children.

Absolutely petty and ridiculous.

As for "joint finances". Fuck that. You pay for half of the children and husband pays for the other half.

You are being a CF yourself, OP.

Take everyone on holiday and just bloody split the shortfall with your husband.

Do you need to understand it? If it doesn’t suit you then don’t do it - no one said you had to. It does suit OP though, and it’s been their agreement for years. She isn’t financially responsible for his children, he is. It’s on him to pay if he wants them to join.

nickelbabe · 14/05/2024 14:58

InterIgnis · 14/05/2024 14:20

Do you need to understand it? If it doesn’t suit you then don’t do it - no one said you had to. It does suit OP though, and it’s been their agreement for years. She isn’t financially responsible for his children, he is. It’s on him to pay if he wants them to join.

Show quote history

Obviously her own husband doesn't understand it either, so....

OhmygodDont · 14/05/2024 15:00

Or he doesn’t want too because he wants his wife and her family to fund him 🙃

If separate finances where good last month or last year. They are still good today that doesn’t change because of a holiday. A job loss sure but a holiday nah.

InterIgnis · 14/05/2024 15:01

nickelbabe · 14/05/2024 14:58

Obviously her own husband doesn't understand it either, so....

Show quote history

He’s managed to understand it well enough for seven years.

C152 · 14/05/2024 15:21

I think this was a ridiculous suggestion on the part of the grandparents but, that aside, I would think of it as a large contribution towards a group family holiday, rather than them paying for only some of the party to go. In that instance, I would expect both A and B to split the cost of the holiday for the step children.

MrsB74 · 14/05/2024 16:24

london111 · 10/05/2024 16:10

I can’t imagine a family being like this. I know mumsnet is big on ‘blood’ relatives but it’s so weird to me. They are your step children, your children’s siblings, why would you not do all you can to help create a family unit? This whole ‘my husband must pay for his children as they aren’t related to me’ etc, it’s so alien to my concept of family. So what if they also have another parent/set of grandparents. It is no excuse not to consider them ‘full’ members of your own family.

As a step child and step mum I completely agree with this.

In this scenario if the other children would like to go on the holiday too we, as a couple, would pay for them to come along. Our finances are mostly joint. They may prefer to be with their mum that week?

My parents have always been a bit hit and miss with my (now grown up) step children, but we live a long way from the GPs so more understandable. It does get to me a bit sometimes, but you can’t force these things.

HereILayStillAndBreathless · 14/05/2024 17:05

HRTFT.

With A and grandparents all the way. B can pay for her/his children or don't go. I'm not grandparent yet, far from it, but I would never recognize my child's partner's children as my grandchildren, they'd be unrelated to me in any way. And I'd never pay for them.

The -step have their own parents, their own grandparents and they should pay for them.

Findinganewme · 14/05/2024 17:27

A is being entirely reasonable, as are A’s parents, B has very high expectations. Raising this to A’s parents is rude, hurtful, ungrateful and entitled.

SabihaN · 14/05/2024 17:45

B should never of had a serious relationship with A if they were aware of the horrific way As family would treat their children.

Step children are children - they should be treated like any other shared child, not ostracised. The fact A allows their parents to treat their stepchildren says a lot about A and their attitude towards the step kids.

A needs to give their head a wobble and imagine how they'd feel if anyone treated their bio kids that way.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 14/05/2024 18:02

@illingmeoftly do you see your stepchildren as part of your family? Not your extended family but your immediate family, you, your husband and your children? Do you see them as having a place in that family or do you see them as occasional visitors?

PurplGirl · 14/05/2024 18:40

A, you are being unreasonable. Your stepchildren are children of the family you and B have created. Your parents are being unreasonable, but it seems they have taken their lead from you. How can you have separate finances and share children? You’re a family, share your money and look after your children (all of them) together. You can’t compel your parents to act reasonably, so I would say “thanks, we’d love to come on holiday and will treat your offer as a contribution to ALL of our children going, and will pay the remaining balance ourselves”.

If you take your bio children only, leaving your partner and step kids at home, or refuse to pay jointly for your step kids to go, then you are being a terrible parent (to all of them) and partner.

InterIgnis · 14/05/2024 18:49

PurplGirl · 14/05/2024 18:40

A, you are being unreasonable. Your stepchildren are children of the family you and B have created. Your parents are being unreasonable, but it seems they have taken their lead from you. How can you have separate finances and share children? You’re a family, share your money and look after your children (all of them) together. You can’t compel your parents to act reasonably, so I would say “thanks, we’d love to come on holiday and will treat your offer as a contribution to ALL of our children going, and will pay the remaining balance ourselves”.

If you take your bio children only, leaving your partner and step kids at home, or refuse to pay jointly for your step kids to go, then you are being a terrible parent (to all of them) and partner.

Edited

Being part of her family and being her financial responsibility are distinct things. They aren’t shared children and they’re not a shared financial responsibility, and it appears they never have been.

He wasn’t forced to agree to this in the beginning, and OP isn’t obliged to start paying for his kids because it now suits him. If he wants his kids to go then he needs to pay.

Elektra1 · 14/05/2024 18:52

I think this is really sad. My DC have a step-parent on their dad's side and his in-laws have always treated them exactly as if they were "real" grandchildren. Likewise when I was in my second marriage (now sadly over) my in-laws treated my children the same as the child of our marriage.

I can understand older people feeling differently about step-grandchildren but it is sad for the kids to be made to feel second best. If you have to pay for them to go on this holiday, I would be careful not to let them know who's paid for what.

bagginsatbagend · 14/05/2024 19:57

I think sadly you aren’t a family & don’t appear to act like a family unit. It’s them vs us, not us as a family. Sadly you should have chosen to become a family unit before bringing other children into the dynamics & the SC are going to feel like the outsiders

EDIT just to clarify this is coming from someone in a blended family unit with both SC & biological children. Both families accept that we all became one family when we decided to get together & then even more so when we brought another child into the family. There’s no them & us, no step vs biological, it’s just us as a family

Original poster
illingmeoftly · 14/05/2024 21:33

Thanks for the replies.

Finances have been separate from day one. I have no intention of ever joining finances day to day with DH and he's always been fine with this. We share the cost of bills and our joint DC 50:50. He has always paid for everything for DSC himself.

This has been highlighted in the past when I've asked a few questions about what he's spent on DSC and his answer has been it's none of my business what he spends on them. Which is fine, but then I don't expect to contribute toward anything for them either in that case. It's between him and his ex.

I do view DSC as part of my family. I don't view them as my children or equal to my DC though no. And I mean that as in to me, not that they are lesser than. I don't think it's strange, odd or upsetting that my parents don't have much of a relationship with them nor seem to really be interested in having one. That's their perogative and DSC have never seemed hurt by this.

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 14/05/2024 21:47

If the current setup with defined separate finances works for you and your partner OP, that’s great. But he just shouldn’t try to change the goal posts now.

PaminaMozart · 15/05/2024 02:22

This has been highlighted in the past when I've asked a few questions about what he's spent on DSC and his answer has been it's none of my business what he spends on them. Which is fine, but then I don't expect to contribute toward anything for them either in that case

Wow.

'None of my business'...... 'which is fine'......

Your post screams at me that yours is not a happy marriage.

Lml199 · 15/05/2024 14:41

I have 4 DDs, 2 with ex, 2 with DH. Mine were around 9 & 7 when DH came into their lives. They had little to do with DHs Dad (his mum had passed away), and really never felt the need to as they had their own grandparents. They exchanged pleasantries when they would meet, but that was about it. We never pushed for or fostered a grandparent/grandchild relationship either as we didn’t see the need. I absolutely do not think that spouse B should be making a big deal of this. They’re teens now, the boat has sailed. Besides, they probably have no interest in even going at this age. Expecting Spouse B’s parents to pay is unreasonable. I would leave B behind and go on my own with DCs.