Would you expect your spouse to say something?

[illingmeoftly]

Spouse A is a step parent to Spouse B's children. They also share DC.

A's parents have come into some money recently and have offered to treat A, B and their shared children to a holiday but have suggested B pays for their older children to go (A's stepchildren).

A's parents don't have much if any relationship with the stepchildren and they are now teens.

A doesn't see the problem and refuses to bring it up with their parents, B thinks it is a problem and they should.

WWYD?

But they want to give their own money to their own grandchildren, which is perfectly reasonable.

I'd say this is fine. Children are not being excluded. Dad can pay if he wants them to attend. He's still getting a very reasonable holiday.

Here's an idea, if your husband wants your parents to bring his children (that they don't see) on holiday let him approach them himself and ask. He's an adult and doesn't need you to be doing his bidding for him.
If he's not willing to ask himself then he makes whatever arrangements himself to include them or not.

Can I just ask though, is there a reason you would not be happy to share the cost of bringing his children with you? Seeing as you are all getting a free holiday. Contributing to the cost of bringing his kids might help. Or is it that he doesn't think he should pay anything? Or do you not see your stepchildren as any part of your family? As I previously said, I have a stepdaughter. Now an adult. I've known her since she was 4. She lives with her mother. We used to take her at weekends. We lived away from my parents so they rarely saw her. Would always include her and treat her when she visited with us, but they wouldn't seek her out to bring her somewhere. It wasn't practical. She's not necessarily part of my extended family, but she is definitely part of my core family and is included in anything she wants to be. Paid for by us as a couple.

Do you see your stepchildren as part of your core family?

You’re hurt because your children are viewed as different to his children - but to his family they are! Just as your children are more important to you than someone else’s kids.

Frankly I think a lot of people are delusional in expecting extended family to just take on the step family as if they were their own. They didn’t even choose you let alone your family!

I have steps and half and adopted in and adopted out family. I don’t treat everyone equally because I don’t have the same relationship with all of them. It’s not so much the title but the relationship. For small things I do try to be very equal - but for big things my own family gets priority.

MIL has offered to fund her family. She hasn’t asked that your kids be excluded, but that you fund them. Accept or decline.

I would not however accept for you and DP and get kids go without them. If you cannot afford to include them you stay out as well!

I think A should help B pay for the step kids if they are in a position to do that

I can’t follow the A B Cs - lol 🤣

I think the children should not be made to suffer … treating siblings differently to each other makes them suffer.

all the children should go on the holiday. A should view gift from grandparents as family money and deduct from the whole holiday cost and then a and b should make up the difference

Does spouse Bs childrens grandparents treat all the children equally or just their biological grandchildren?

B is being absolutely ridiculous.

If b can't afford to go... a still plans to go anyway .. erm why isnt a helping b to 'afford' paying for step kids to attend. What the flip. Why you blend your family if you dead inside to being a family?

I think it really depends on A and Bs personal financial setup. A’s parents paying for A and B’s joint children and for B is fair, but expecting A’s parents to pay for B’s children is unfair. Can’t B and his former partner find the money between then for their joint children to go with A and B and A’s parents?

I am a grandmother. If I said to my DS “I would like to treat you and your DW and my wonderful grandchildren to a holiday. Your step children are more than welcome to come along, but I can’t afford/would rather not pay for them” And my DS said - “No you must pay for everybody” I would withdraw the offer! End of.
I don’t understand why so many people think they should be able to control the amount of money or gifts offered.

The A and B shit is tedious. It's clear from the first post you're A

Your H is being ridiculous.

Someone is spending money. Everyone has an opinion on how that money should be spend.

Grandparents have extra money. They want to spend it on biological grandchildren with whom they have a family relationship for a holiday.

They don't want to spend it on associated extended-family children, with whom they don't have a close or meaningful relationship.

Let people spend their extra money how they want and how it will bring them most satisfaction.

However, mum of step-children, has more than the right to reject the offer. She has to cough up for two children - and this is not for a holiday that she chose or for a time she chose.

And her two "step-children" are her everyday priority.

Mum B has the right to re-negotiate and say grandparent's proposal doesn't fit in with her plans due to step-children welfare, however happy to meet up and explore alternative options that also involve step-children.

This is the butt of the issue for me. It’s reasonable that your parents don’t pay for your step children. It’s not reasonable imo that you don’t consider them as part of YOUR family & would share the cost of the additional two people with your DH.

On the face of it most people would initially think A& B should split the cost for the two teens, I certainly did. Then I pondered on this particular set up and wondered about finances being so separate and why B wanted to send A to ask/demand more money. Then I thought about A saying B did not bother about the relationship of steps with ‘Grandparents A’ basically until now. I may have it wrong, but it’s beginning to sound like B earns more and wants to keep that extra right up until the point it’s not in his favour. Stepchildren’s bio mother absolutely should not be asked to pay for this holiday which is nothing to do with her, she will have her own holiday with her children to cover.
Usually finances are shared within families but as B never wanted this until now (after 7 years) it’s unreasonable to expect it to suddenly start. Actually he’s not even offering this is he, he still wants separate finances and also someone else (wife or wife’s parents) to pay for his children for this holiday he has been gifted. He is being greedy and ungrateful, neither of which anre attractive traits.

This changes my opinion a bit OP, so not only is As parents not paying for Bs children which is understandable, (also depended on money they received whether they could afford extra) but at least they invited step grand children. But As attitude saying if B can't afford for children to go then fine if B doesn't go either!! That I think is shocking, and maybe why As parents don't have much of a relationship with Bs children and also surely family meaning A&B money is shared to include Bs children, How much time do Bs children stay, I am assuming you are B OP. Is it a big holiday can the step children's other family help towards cost? Do what you can to make sure you and they can go, otherwise I'd be inclined to leave

Op hasn’t come back to say why finances are split. So it’s impossible to say whose decision that was.

B might earn more, but A may have wanted separate finances since B has more kids. Plenty of SM don’t want to pay towards their partner kids and plenty on MN agree with that. B may earn more but after CMS not have more. Or B may not earn more at all.

In all honesty, if I was A and my parents were paying for a trip I would rather split the costs for the step kids and have everyone there, instead leaving my partner and his 2 kids at home.

But that’s assuming the relationship is a happy one, which it sounds like it may not be.

No, she's A

It sounds like it’s established that B’s children are his financial responsibility, not hers. Families don’t all have the same financial set up, so there’s no one rule fits all here.

His kids have been invited, so it falls to him to pay for them.

You have a decent and generous family - that's how it should be.

I had 2 kids when I got with second husband and we had a child together.
Ex mil DG of joint child was lovely and made things fair my kids never felt pushed out but we would never have dreamt of her making everything equal with holidays etc. T never entered my head to think she should have levelled my kids up. She took dgc on some lovely holidays and had her over to stay in the school hols but it was a different relationship with my kids and rightly so.
People expect too much.
If this was me so I would be parent b I would pay for my own kids or not go.
Step grand parents shouldn't have to walk on egg shells wondering if they are being fair.

A has also said if B doesn't want to go/can't afford to then A will go by themselves with joint children and B can stay home

Is A saying, "I will take the money and MY kids away. You have to find your own money if you want to come with yours"? If so, that's a different question.

Basically, the grandparents can do as they please with their money, the problem here is how A and B split their money and resources within their own family unit. A has also said if B doesn't want to go/can't afford to then A will go by themselves with joint children and B can stay home with their own kids - which doesn't bode well for good sibling relationships imo.

It is possible, of course, that the sort of holiday planned would be boring for older children.

I know some of you ladies don't like men commenting on here but I'm going to give it a go anyway.

Am I missing something here if As parents don't want to pay for Bs children why don't A & B pay for B`s children to go because is their relationship not a joint partnership as well.
I have 2 step children who are grown up now but when I got with my wife 32 years ago they were only 10 & 8 we have always shared the cost of everything and I would have never even considered not including them in anything that we did because our relationship is also a partnership where everything is shared equally.
I wouldn't expect my parents to pay even though they always treated them the same as my brothers & sisters children

If my parents were paying for me, dh and kids to go on holiday, I'd definitely try and help dh pay for his kids to come too if I was able too.

I think your dh is being a cheeky asshole trying to get your parents to cover step children too though, they've been generous enough!