Would you expect your spouse to say something?

[illingmeoftly]

Spouse A is a step parent to Spouse B's children. They also share DC.

A's parents have come into some money recently and have offered to treat A, B and their shared children to a holiday but have suggested B pays for their older children to go (A's stepchildren).

A's parents don't have much if any relationship with the stepchildren and they are now teens.

A doesn't see the problem and refuses to bring it up with their parents, B thinks it is a problem and they should.

WWYD?

I wouldn't say anything to the grandparents, they've been generous enough. However I would split the cost of the older two coming with my DH.

Why?

The teens have their own mother and father who can pay for them.

I would ask the teens whether they wanted to join a family holiday with their stepmothers parents.

They might not!

Unless finances are super tight, there is NO WAY I would insist my spouse and stepchildren stay home while I go off on holiday with our children.

It just seems very stingy to me, and I cannot see how this could not have a detrimental effect on family harmony.

I can’t imagine a family being like this. I know mumsnet is big on ‘blood’ relatives but it’s so weird to me. They are your step children, your children’s siblings, why would you not do all you can to help create a family unit? This whole ‘my husband must pay for his children as they aren’t related to me’ etc, it’s so alien to my concept of family. So what if they also have another parent/set of grandparents. It is no excuse not to consider them ‘full’ members of your own family.

Using A and B is very confusing!
A (you) is the step parent to 2 teenagers. You're the mother.
B is their father.

The children don't live with you so don't see your parents that often and have no relationship with them.

There is no reason that your parents should pay for his children to go on holiday. But why would you not contribute to the cost of bringing his children on holiday with you? If it would save a lot of hard feelings and shouldn't be a huge amount. Maybe the other side of the family would also contribute if asked.

How can you share children and have completely separate finances?

If your parents don't ever see these children then of course they're not going to pay for them to go on holiday.

Would the teenagers even want to go on what appears to be a "family holiday" with people they don't really know.

I have a SD. She lives with her mother. My parents would include her whenever she's around but wouldn't seek her out to bring her places. I wouldn't expect them to. Nor would my husband. SD wouldn't expect to be brought on holidays with my parents. She doesn't see them as "her family". She does however live with her stepdad and her half-siblings and is included in everything on that side of the family. But it is a different scenario. She lives there. Her stepdad parents are always around. She knows them. She's close to them. She's not close to my parents.

Pay for the children to go yourselves, or leave them behind.

Because that's what families do, not divide everything up into mine and yours. B isn't with the mother anymore he is with A, so its up to their mum what she spends on them and its up to A and B what they spend on them also.

I agree. I really can’t understand why people get into serious relationships with people with kids if they aren’t prepared to become a family. And that means paying to go on family holidays, amongst other things. Op’s parents shouldn’t pay but op should be contributing so the can all go away together, they’re her step children, not a random couple of kids.

It’s not what OP does. She’s said quite clearly they operate separate finances.

That might not be your choice, nor mine, but it’s how she and her husband arrange things. And therefore it’s on her husband to fund his teens’ holiday if he wants them to come. His own ticket is already generously paid for.

If her DH wasn’t happy with that, he shouldn’t have separated money in the first place.

What’s with deadbeat men wanting their new wife’s and their families to pick up the tab for their children anyway 😂 such an attractive trait no…

Yet another adult (B), expecting other people (your parents) to suffer the consequences (paying money out for his children) of his decisions (to have children by two different women).

Your parents had no say or choice in the matter of you having step-children. They are entitled to do whatever they want with their money, and they're choosing to treat their family. They clearly don't see your step-children as family to the same extent as their grandchildren. And why should they?

It's exponentially worse that your step-children have grandparents on their mother's side who they benefit from. Does your DH really think they should get treated by THREE sets of grandparents?

The separate finances and your DH's breathtaking entitlement is sadly typical of so many men in this situation. It's so depressing. I cannot imagine ever getting myself into this sort of situation. Utterly miserable.

Haha that doesn't mean they pay only for their own expenses. And we don't know its B who set this up, and clearly its not ok with B, so not just me.

Yes it has been generously paid for, by the inlaws, not by A. So its now down to a and b to fund the children's places who rather cruelly haven't been paid for.

But A is responsible for A and her children.

B is responsible for himself and all the children.

A’s family have covered the costs for A, her children and B. How greedy and damn right cheeky do you have to be as B to expect your in-laws to fund your children.

A and B have separate finances so that still stands she is responsible for her and her children. He is responsible for all children and himself. His getting a discount of his own children and himself from the in-laws but still wants more.

A doesn't see the problem and refuses to bring it up with their parents,

I feel like I’ve missed a bit here. What is the problem? Is B pissed off at the fact he’ll have to pay for his own children to go on a holiday? B sounds like an arse, if so.

It’s down to B to pay for his kids. Presumably if separate finances were a problem for him then he had a choice not to agree in the first place. That it’s now a problem for B doesn’t mean OP has to appease him and make a problem for herself.

No, families organise themselves in many different ways, and don’t in fact have to conform to your way.

A says if B wanted them to have a better relationship with their parents, B should have worked harder to encourage it when they were younger (making the effort to take children to see them etc).

Fair point. In what fantasy world do you drop two older kids into an extended family and expect insta-love? Are grandparents expected to feel a special bond to children they see only occasionally?

That said, if I was the grandparent in question I would have extended the offer as a lump sum of money and not specified that anyone was being excluded.

If OP’s husband wasn’t happy with separate finances I would imagine as an adult he’d have discussed that with OP before marrying and having two children together. I’m assuming he’s a grown up with agency. (Or at least I’d hope so, as a father of four!)

His children from his previous relationship haven’t “rather cruelly” been left out. Their half siblings’ grandparents are treating their own family to a holiday and said they are welcome to come along too. If their father doesn’t want to fund that, that’s up to him.

If he feels so strongly about his teens not being paid for by people unrelated to them, he can stay home and do something else with them.

Blended families - especially blended families with separate finances - mean sometimes not everyone can do everything.

Yanbu, OP. Your DH is a CF, tbh. And mean-spirited to turn this lovely, generous offer of your DP’s into an uncomfortable argument.

He brings the other children to the table; he pays if we wants them to come.

I personally would have ensured when the stepkids were young they were treated as biological grandchildren then and accepted as full family.

But for whatever reason you and you partner did not choose this route - and so while I am normally all children should be treated as equal as biological children - in this case I think your parents are doing the right thing offering to include them just not at their cost.

Personally, if I had the money I would see this an an opportunity to get closer to my biological grandkids step siblings and I would pay for them but we are all different.

It's bizarre people seem not to get this. It doesn't matter at all how you feel about blood relatives and stepkids. It doesn't even matter how the OP feels.

The grandparents don't have to give a single penny of their money to any of them. Of course they must not go begging for more. That would be appalling, embarrassing and would definitely risk issues.

They take the money, with thanks, and sort the remainder of the finances between them. Or they don't take the money, with thanks, and sort the remainder of the finances between them.

Those are the options available if they don't want to cause problems with the generous grandparents who are perfectly entitled to do whatever they want with their own money.

Yep, it appears he thinks A should try to hustle more money out of her parents for his kids. So grubby and awkward for her and bizarre behaviour from him.

Surely A and B pit their heads together, check over family finances and see if they can afford it.

This! Totally agree!

Excellent summary of the situation imo.