Would you expect your spouse to say something?

[illingmeoftly]

Spouse A is a step parent to Spouse B's children. They also share DC.

A's parents have come into some money recently and have offered to treat A, B and their shared children to a holiday but have suggested B pays for their older children to go (A's stepchildren).

A's parents don't have much if any relationship with the stepchildren and they are now teens.

A doesn't see the problem and refuses to bring it up with their parents, B thinks it is a problem and they should.

WWYD?

Every single day there's a thread about these sort of blended family set ups, the whole "fairness" thing - what a mess.

No OP, you cannot expect two people to be all over children who are not biologically related to them, who they do not have a relationship with, and when these children have proper grandparents to fill that role.

I seriously think people who go from relationship to relationship having babies need to read some of these threads and see that their tangled network of relationships, children, step children, half-siblings is more often than not a recipe for disaster.

I feel like a & b should pay together for b’s children here.

It's very awkward, but I can see both sides.

A lot depends on whether the children live predominantly with B or not. If they do and As parents see them on a regular basis, then it would be mean to exclude them, but they have included them but don't want to pay for them. Maybe this is because they don't want to, maybe this is because they can't afford to. Perhaps they should have said they would like to go away with all of you and could cover most of the costs, if you could pick up the rest. Same end result, but more inclusive.

But if the children spend less than 50% of their time with B and get treated by their own family (which I assume doesn't include the shared children) then this is a similar situation.

If B is annoyed, then maybe B should have made more of an effort with As parents. But also, maybe A should have stepped up and reminded their parents about the step childrens birthdays etc., and generally fostered a relationship. I am not part of a blended family, but it looks to require effort on all parties to make it work successfully.

So in this instance I would accept the A's parents offer to fund a large part of a family holiday and enjoy it and use it to strengthen family bonds all round.

The Grandparents are under no obligation to pay for the step children to go on this holiday. Wrap it up any way you like, they are not their biological grandchildren, they aren’t as close to them and I bet the stepchildren who are now teens don’t even think twice about them and would groan at the suggestion of having to pay them a visit.

It seems mean that A’s parents won’t pay for B’s children but it shouldn’t be down to whether B can afford to take the children, it should be down to A and B to pay for them. They all go or maybe A’s parents take the joint children but A should then not go.

And none of the children should know anything about this.

Step grandparents?

Do they holiday with their own grandparents?

No one should be bringing it up with them. They've made their offer and been clear what that includes. A & B need to decide whether to pay for the older DC, decline altogether if that's not affordable, or leave the older DC at home. Personally it would be a choice from the first two, as it would be very hypocritical to expect the parents to pay and not be prepared to stump up themselves. For what it's worth, I think the parents were wrong to specify who they were paying for as its almost making a point and i dislike that attitude in blended families. They could have just given a sum equivalent to 4 people towards the holiday for 6.

I’d always prefer all the arc in a family to be treated equally, but the DGP clearly don’t see the need to do so here, so there’s not much you can do.

Option A - pay for the two older DC and have a great holiday - at least the DGP didn’t say they only wanted their bio DGC there. I would try to do this, but would make it clear that ice creams etc are bought for all or none.

Option B - if there’s no money to pay for the SDC, then politely decline. It could be very hard if the SDC do t get an equivalent trip with their birth family - especially if this is something like Disney.

Arc?!! That should be DC

I'd see it as a much cheaper holiday if the GPs are paying for AB and joint kids. They only have to pay for the SCs.

Better than no holiday.

A and B should pay for A's children

A and B should pay for A's children

This is the answer. The grandparents stance seems entirely reasonable. The step children are welcome to join the holiday but their share is to be funded by their dad (and step mum if you have joint finances). The grandparents will be hugely subsidising the overall trip.

In this situation I think B kids holiday should come from shared money not just B.

I'dalso be concerned about family dynamics. You Go out for a meal, Mom says she'll pay but the expects B to hand over £20 for their kids food. Or Grandad offers to buy the shared kids an ice cream and totally ignores B's kids.

The grandparents haven’t said the step children aren’t welcome- just that they’d need to be paid for by A&B, which is entirely reasonable.

Is B solely expected to pay for the SDC to go and can B afford it?

I don't think there's anything wrong with the grandparents not paying for the SDC but I actually think A is a bit of a cheeky fucker if they are expecting B to stump up the extra while A effectively gets a "free" holiday.

The extra should come out of the family pot.

Gratitude is appropriate when given money as a gift.

If you’re uncomfortable don't take the money.

Asking for more would be grubby and disrespectful.

I agree. I think it's hugely unfair when people blend and expect everyone who comes along to also be treated. The GP have every right to just treat their own GC.

A does expect B to solely pay for their children to go.

Finances are separate so there isn't a family pot as such.

It is a bit of a cheek for A to expect B to "bring it up" with her/his parents. A gift is a gift. Accept or don't.

I sense there is a bit more to this than who pays for whose children's holidays...

Your update changes things. This is not a /DSC issue, it's a relationship issue and has just brought out the problem front and centre

Not only do the grandparents not see the kids as equal (fair enough), but the parents don't see them as equal either and this is a much bigger problem

I can understand A not wanting their children to miss out.

What would be the situation if the other grandparents took the teenagers on holiday, they wouldn't be expected to take the joint children as they are no relation. Is that fair?

As a grandparent I should be able to treat my own grandchildren without having to include step children too.

If B isn't happy with the offer then B can stay at home with the teenagers. Surely both A&B could foresee these kind of events.

I would let As parents pay for A, B and the shared children - and be very grateful.

Then I would split the cost for Bs children between A and B.

Having read all the replies. A is an arsehole. Its hardly a partnership if A expects B to pay fort them solely or they'll go on their own, nice. Also its fine for A to say B should have made more of an effort with As parents regarding the children, however its As parents they would have had more of an in with them!

Do the step children live with A and B full time?