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Original poster

DD has left GC's with me and I'm struggling

215 replies

BeetleBee99 · 22/04/2024 01:53

To keep this short (obviously there's a backstory but it's long and complicated)

My DD has met a new partner. He is aggressive, very controlling and prone to violent outbursts (I have witnessed these). Unfortunately she's obsessed with him and isn't prepared to listen to any of my concerns. She wanted to move in with him asap before this happened.

She has two DD's with her now ex-husband. My eldest DGD (aged 11) has ASD and learning difficulties. She needs a routine and a lot of support at both home and school. She doesn't cope well with any sort of change. The younger one is aged 8.

5 weeks ago DD text me and asked me to pick the kids up from school. I did so and then she asked me to keep them overnight. Overnight then turned into a weekend.

When I asked her what was going on, she told me that herself and her NP were in X town (over 200 miles away) having a little holiday... 🙄 alright for some. It's now been almost 6 weeks and she still won't give me a straight answer on when they are coming back. I've tried arguing with her, reasoning and threatening her but nothing is working. She won't listen to me. I think he's planning for them to stay up there and she's naïve enough to go along with it

I love my DGD's to absolute pieces, but I can't cope with them full time. I have health problems myself and I'm not upto running round after them anymore. The Easter holidays have left me completely exhausted. I have no other family nearby to help (my ds is in New Zealand).

The girls father has offered to take them one weekend a month (he works full time and lives at the other end of the country - they will have to fly upto him) but even with this I don't feel I can manage much longer. Short of driving up and abandoning them with my DD (which I would never do because I don't think they would be safe) what do I do and is their
anyway I can get some help?!

OP posts:
Whatatodo79 · 22/04/2024 01:56

These children have been abandoned. You need to tell the school, this is a serious business now. If social services get involved perhaps that will help your daughter think about what she's doing here.

Pieceofpurplesky · 22/04/2024 01:57

Those poor girls - and you. You need to speak to social services to see what help they can provide for you. I am so sorry that you are in this position

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 22/04/2024 01:57

Can their father take them full time? Enrol them into a school and get wrap around care sorted.

He can then claim child benefits for them to help with the cost.

Dreamingofthishouse · 22/04/2024 02:03

At the very least get social services onboard so you can apply for kinship care ( and payment) so mens if you could manage to keep them you could Prehaps afford more wrap around care/ help?

lovinglaughingliving · 22/04/2024 02:07

I really feel for you, please contact school in the morning and make them aware of situation.
You are amazing and your GC will appreciate you doing much more the they're older.

www.jsfoundation.org.uk if they have experienced domestic violence, this charity may help. X

Meadowfinch · 22/04/2024 02:09

Yes, tell the school and involve social services re: kinship care. You also need to have their child benefit paid to you. Financial support will allow you to organise more help.

What about the other grand parents, can they help? Or the father's siblings? If your dd is not interested in having them (and it seems she is not), then either they go into care or it will take an extended family effort to keep them with you.

You cannot be expected to do it all yourself.

HerRoyalNotness · 22/04/2024 02:14

Why can’t the father have them full time? Don’t drop them off with your DD, she’s not capable of keeping them safe

Sapphire387 · 22/04/2024 02:16

It's time for straight talking. Is their father any more of a capable parent than your DD? If he is, you need to tell him that you're going to involve SS unless he is able to have the girls on a more permanent basis. It's time for him to step up. Yes, he works full-time and it will be hard for him, but single parents can and do make it work.

I wouldn't bother trying to persuade your DD back in terms of your DGD - clearly they do not need a violent man in their lives. But... I would consider making a police report for her own safety. Is she vulnerable? It doesn't sound like she will be safe in the company of this man either.

I am so sorry you are in this position. The girls are lucky to have you.

Ponderingwindow · 22/04/2024 02:42

Short of your daughter suddenly becoming a responsible parent, your options are

  1. dad takes residential custody full time. This is the obvious choice unless he has problems with anger or addiction. He can pay for child care. Plenty of parents work full time
  2. of dad is incapable or also refuses, call social services, ask for help, and hope for a kinship placement with you or another family member
  3. you call social services and the children enter the foster care system

i know this will sound harsh, but I hope you do everything possible to avoid option 3, even if this is not how you saw this stage of your life.

Houseplanter · 22/04/2024 03:25

Is your daughter safe? Are you sure this new partner isn't controlling her to a point she CAN'T come home even if she wanted to? Have you spoken to her, or just texts?

SD1978 · 22/04/2024 03:27

As others have said- can dad take them full time with wrap around care? She has abandoned her children. The school and social services need to be involved. If you don't feel well enough to be full time kinship carer for them, then other arrangements need to be made. Does she still have a place to live where you are? If she takes the children to this new city, currently you have no legal standing to stop it happening. Dad sounds a tad feckless too as surely he should be making arrangements to move them to him?

PoppingTomorrow · 22/04/2024 03:30

Agree with all the above.

Can you do a Clare's law enquiry on your daughter's new BF?

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 22/04/2024 04:36

I think you have been given some great advice upthread …. But I just wanted to say I think you are amazing and I’m so sorry your DD has let you and your DGC’s down so much. It must be so hard physically emotionally and financially on you whilst dealing with your daughters lies and behaviour.

Send an email to her and the DGC’s father saying they will have to work out a permanent custody by x date or social services will be contacted.

You are an angel and one of a kind

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2024 04:47

Their father said he’d take them one day a month. Those poor children. He should be straight down here to them. I’d also worry that your dd is being coerced or worse. Asking the police to do a Claire’s law search on this man she’s hooked up with is a good suggestion. I don’t think the police will tell you anything but they’ll try to contact your dd if they find something. As you’re not coping, you are going to have to get some help / contact social services soon and before the summer holidays.

OpusGiemuJavlo · 22/04/2024 04:51

The poor kids - and you deserve a bloody medal for coping so far.

You are quite right that you can't return them to your DD who is clearly an unfit parent and they would be at serious risk of harm with her.

Is there any way you could relocate to near the kids father so as to have more like 50:50 care with him?

In a decently civilised country it ought to be possible to call on social services for aid but in reality they will only step in if you are at breaking point or a bit beyond and already broken.

You could try autism focused charities to see if any of them can offer regular respite care but it seems unlikely. The best source of help has got to be the kids' dad, or the other set of grandparents perhaps?

AgentJohnson · 22/04/2024 05:02

Your daughter has abandoned her children. Give her 24 hours notice before informing the authorities.

WelshTattySlippers · 22/04/2024 05:07

Something needs to be sorted and soon OP. This situation isn't fair on your DGC and it’s certainly not fair on you.

Have you heard from your DD recently? If you’re worried about her call the police station in the town/village you know your DD to be residing. Tell them your DD has abandoned her D.C. with you weeks and you’re worried about her. Ask them to do a welfare check on her. I assume you know the address she is staying? Do it this morning.

Then call your local Social Services dept. Tell them the situation that you and DGs have found yourselves in and tell them you need support.

Once they are involved they will get in touch with the father and other GPs and will discuss with you all a course of action.

You don’t have to deal with this alone OP so please don’t try. You’ll get through it with support. but don’t let it get to the stage where you are burnt out and unable to do anything x

Oblomov24 · 22/04/2024 05:24

How coercive is he? The fact is she doesn't care about her dc does she? She's abandoned them. That must hurt you, that she's so shallow? Text her, ring her, tell her you can't do it anymore and will be reporting to ss.

Starfish1021 · 22/04/2024 05:43

Oh my goodness what a heartbreaking situation. Do not let their father get away with doing so little. Lots of parents work full time. He could need to cope, but you could flip it and say you will have the girls for x amount of time. I’m so so sorry to read of your predicament and hope you find some support/resolution.

Hollyhead · 22/04/2024 05:45

Op this is terrible, those poor children, they must be distraught. You definitely need to give a warning to both parents that you’ll have to get SS involved unless something changes rapidly.

Shiningout · 22/04/2024 05:55

Sounds like neither of these children's parents are arsed about them. The dad has offered to have them once a month?? Oh how wonderful of him 🙄🙄 and as for your daughter, she's clearly putting this guy above her kids and can't be trusted to keep them safe. You must contact the social services and the school etc and start getting some Support in place op.

MumInBrussels · 22/04/2024 05:56

How generous of the girls' dad to offer a whole weekend a month...

Is there a reason he can't have them living with him, other than having a job? Is the job itself unsuitable for childcare like he works on an oil rig for weeks at a time or something? Because if it's just that he works full time, plenty of people make that work, single parents or not, and he kind of needs to get a grip.

Failing that, I'd start by telling the school what has happened and asking them if they know anywhere you could go to for help. The school need to know because this must be having an effect on the girls, even though I'm sure you're doing an amazing job. And you need some support - does the girls' dad have any family near you who could help long term?

Good luck - and thank you for caring about these kids. It doesn't sound like they have many people in their lives who do.

EmilyGilmoreenergy · 22/04/2024 05:57

I can appreciate you struggling but I would understand no circumstances be handing these children back to your daughter as she is currently unable to keep herself and them safe and it is a serious child protection issue.
Your daughter is potentially in a very dangerous situation and you need to act immediately to keep your family safe.
Tell the school tomorrow and as others have said say you want SS to be involved.
They will contact their Dad and take a lead in the children's care which should unless there's good reason go to him.
There is no way she's on a holiday and going to just pop back and everything be happy here and I know that sounds harsh but you need to look at the facts here rather than hoping for the best and muddling on.
Take immediate action and that's the absolute best and most loving thing you can do for you GCSE and DD now even if it doesn't feel like it.

femfemlicious · 22/04/2024 05:57

So sorry you are going through this. I think you should get social services involved ASAP. Even if she comes back. The fact that she would do this means the children are at risk with her!. I'm surprised your grand daughter doesn't have a social worker since she has autism, she really needs one. They will provide you with support. You should tell the school tomorrow and call the disabilities team at social services. You don't have to struggle alone 💔

Zita60 · 22/04/2024 05:57

WelshTattySlippers · 22/04/2024 05:07

Something needs to be sorted and soon OP. This situation isn't fair on your DGC and it’s certainly not fair on you.

Have you heard from your DD recently? If you’re worried about her call the police station in the town/village you know your DD to be residing. Tell them your DD has abandoned her D.C. with you weeks and you’re worried about her. Ask them to do a welfare check on her. I assume you know the address she is staying? Do it this morning.

Then call your local Social Services dept. Tell them the situation that you and DGs have found yourselves in and tell them you need support.

Once they are involved they will get in touch with the father and other GPs and will discuss with you all a course of action.

You don’t have to deal with this alone OP so please don’t try. You’ll get through it with support. but don’t let it get to the stage where you are burnt out and unable to do anything x

Yes, this sounds sensible advice.

Has the daughter actually committed an offence by abandoning her children like this? I definitely think the police should be involved (as well as social services), if only to do a welfare check on her.