DD has left GC's with me and I'm struggling

[BeetleBee99]

To keep this short (obviously there's a backstory but it's long and complicated)

My DD has met a new partner. He is aggressive, very controlling and prone to violent outbursts (I have witnessed these). Unfortunately she's obsessed with him and isn't prepared to listen to any of my concerns. She wanted to move in with him asap before this happened.

She has two DD's with her now ex-husband. My eldest DGD (aged 11) has ASD and learning difficulties. She needs a routine and a lot of support at both home and school. She doesn't cope well with any sort of change. The younger one is aged 8.

5 weeks ago DD text me and asked me to pick the kids up from school. I did so and then she asked me to keep them overnight. Overnight then turned into a weekend.

When I asked her what was going on, she told me that herself and her NP were in X town (over 200 miles away) having a little holiday... 🙄 alright for some. It's now been almost 6 weeks and she still won't give me a straight answer on when they are coming back. I've tried arguing with her, reasoning and threatening her but nothing is working. She won't listen to me. I think he's planning for them to stay up there and she's naïve enough to go along with it

I love my DGD's to absolute pieces, but I can't cope with them full time. I have health problems myself and I'm not upto running round after them anymore. The Easter holidays have left me completely exhausted. I have no other family nearby to help (my ds is in New Zealand).

The girls father has offered to take them one weekend a month (he works full time and lives at the other end of the country - they will have to fly upto him) but even with this I don't feel I can manage much longer. Short of driving up and abandoning them with my DD (which I would never do because I don't think they would be safe) what do I do and is their
anyway I can get some help?!

Do you think your DD is now with the partner against her will ? I.E was she a good mother to her children before she met her partner ?

If the answer to the first question is Yes , she could be sticking up for the partner as she is scared of the consequences . You need to contact the Police in the area they now are , who will visit them , assuming you have her address .

Your daughter has abandoned her children. They have two parents. Don’t have such low expectations if their father. It’s not for you to step in, it’s for him!

tell him you are involving social services and he needs to come and take his children. You aren’t their parent and you can’t provide full time care. Their mother is unwilling to do he needs to.

if both parents chose to opt out of parenting then social services will have to arrange foster care.

this is awful for you and the children. Your daughter and her ex gays and are useless parents.

It doesn’t happen all the time. It’s far more common for a woman to be at risk from her partner. If she is in a violent relationship she will have consciously left her children somewhere safe with someone she trusts. It’s not about choice- don’t victim blame. Surely you realise it’s not as easy as just walking away for many women in violent relationships.

Why are posters suggesting the father has them?

It's completely unrealistic.

Have you all missed the point that he lives at the other end of the country?

OP implies it's the north/ Scotland as she says the children would need to 'fly up to him'.

Given one has learning difficulties, it's hardly going to be idea to uproot them from their school, their friends, and Gran, and dump them with their Dad hundreds of miles away, is it?

You don't even know if his house is big enough or what else goes on in his life.

OP you need to put your foot down with your daughter.

Leaving you with her kids for 5 weeks is ridiculous.

You can tell her that you are reporting her to the police and SS for abandoning her children and that they may be taken into foster care.

What a mess!!!

I know you want to try and protect your daughter and grandchildren but this situation really needs social services involved asap.

It's hard but you don't have a choice anymore, it's the right thing to do for the children.

@Bellyblueboy That may not be best for the children.
We don't know why the family divorced- maybe the dad is violent as well?
Maybe he now has a new partner?
And he lives hundreds of miles away.

😮

Wow, they’ve basically been abandoned by both parents here haven’t they. Poor kids.

@BeetleBee99 Are you in the UK?

I'm looking at the timing of your post which was almost 2am UK time.

Obviously you may be a night owl, but some of advice here about the law may not apply if you are overseas.

OP hasn’t mentioned any concerns with their dad. It’s a bit of a leap to assume he is violent. Half of marriages end in divorce - violence can be the reason, but usually not?

OP has only said he works full time and lives very far away. They can change schools - or dad can move home.

their mum isn’t a viable parenting option - she has abandoned them. Their dad, unless he is deemed unfit, is the only option. OP can’t do it.

social services will assume dad should step in before they go into foster care?

and so what if he has a new partner? They are his children!!!

These poor kids really lost the parenting lottery -

OP, you can do a Clare’s Law request. This is what the Met say:
https://www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/cl/triage/v2/request-information-under-clares-law/

However, check whether they would give any information to you, or would want to contact your Dd. I suspect that her phone, messages, e mails etc are monitored by him. Do you know where she is, as in have an address for her?

Is his family in the town they are (supposedly) in?

@Bellyblueboy where has dad been in the 5 weeks mum has been missing? Any decent parent would have been providing support both physical and emotional

Of course their bloody father should step up (barring abuse of course). He should be there now caring for his children, and be making plans to move them to him or him relocate to their area. It's been six weeks!! Most parents would be there straight away. So what if he works full time. Why is a man's job so fucking important? I had four kids, one SEN and worked full time. It's not a free pass to leave parenting your own kids to someone else just because you're a bloke who works.

You're jumping the gun a bit.

Have you considered the massive impact on 2 young children to move to the other end of the country? There may not even be a school place or one that can offer SEN support.

You're completely underestimating something that should be a very carefully thought out decision.

Yes, we don't know if he was violent but women who choose dominating men (like the Mum's current BF) often repeat behaviour choices.

The last thing they need is to be put with another parent who doesn't really want them! There must be a reason why he's hundreds of miles away and isn't seeing them often. Especially as the older DD is on the verge of puberty and needs a Mum around.

I agree with @Zita60 and @WelshTattySlippers - is this behaviour out of character for your DD? Definitely think as well as getting the kids sorted DD needs checking. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, poor you and poor children. I'd definitely contact social services.

Well that's just great that their father has offered to have them once a month! What a prince.

I wonder what you think about them being fostered locally and you continuing the grandparent role?

You do need to report this to social services. You should've done it much earlier actually. Your daughter shouldn't be able to pick and choose when she looks after them and it sounds as though her boyfriend is someone nobody should be going near. What happened to your daughter's home?

Also just to say I definitely wouldn't be thinking about having them live with their mum again whilst she's living with this guy, he sounds very dangerous.

Oh come on!

Maybe that's the last thing the girls want- they may not have a good relationship with their Dad.

To suggest he moves (ditching a career) is not so simple, is it?
Let's get real over this.
A man's job pays the mortgage.

You're in cloud cuckoo land.

Also, I suspect that he hasn't been told about the situation until recently as the OP has allowed this to drift for nearly 6 weeks before taking to a forum and asking for advice.

I am really puzzled here by the strong reaction against h the e dad taking the children!

their mum is in a relationship with a dangerous man and she has abandoned them. Their grandmother can’t cope with them.

yes their dad sounds a bit useless - but does everyone think foster care would be better?

Mehta is everyone else’s solution? Would foster care not be harder for the kids?

Your poor granddaughters.

Your DD sounds unwell irrational and not capable of putting them first right now.

You're doing brilliant to try to step in.

Think the first step is a serious discussion with their father.

It's the fact the dad clearly doesn't want them though, he is aware of the situation and has only offered once a month!

It's the fact the dad clearly doesn't want them though, he is aware of the situation and has only offered once a month!

Why is this a school issue? I can understand letting them know so they can support children, but contacting social services is for OP to do. School cannot do every single thing.

I would contact social services to report child abandonment as my first step.

All the people excusing the father of any responsibility 🤣

They’re his kids just as much as they are their mothers. If their mother fails them, he’s the one who should take them. He chose to have them.

Funny how men are just absolved of any parenting responsibilities, clearly they’re just a spent donor and occasional babysitters 😂😂 ffs. He’s just as bad as the mother.

@Bellyblueboy because the dad hasn’t stepped up at all, not just being a bit useless. His kids have been abandoned by their mum, for over 5 weeks. Where is he?