DD has left GC's with me and I'm struggling

[BeetleBee99]

To keep this short (obviously there's a backstory but it's long and complicated)

My DD has met a new partner. He is aggressive, very controlling and prone to violent outbursts (I have witnessed these). Unfortunately she's obsessed with him and isn't prepared to listen to any of my concerns. She wanted to move in with him asap before this happened.

She has two DD's with her now ex-husband. My eldest DGD (aged 11) has ASD and learning difficulties. She needs a routine and a lot of support at both home and school. She doesn't cope well with any sort of change. The younger one is aged 8.

5 weeks ago DD text me and asked me to pick the kids up from school. I did so and then she asked me to keep them overnight. Overnight then turned into a weekend.

When I asked her what was going on, she told me that herself and her NP were in X town (over 200 miles away) having a little holiday... 🙄 alright for some. It's now been almost 6 weeks and she still won't give me a straight answer on when they are coming back. I've tried arguing with her, reasoning and threatening her but nothing is working. She won't listen to me. I think he's planning for them to stay up there and she's naïve enough to go along with it

I love my DGD's to absolute pieces, but I can't cope with them full time. I have health problems myself and I'm not upto running round after them anymore. The Easter holidays have left me completely exhausted. I have no other family nearby to help (my ds is in New Zealand).

The girls father has offered to take them one weekend a month (he works full time and lives at the other end of the country - they will have to fly upto him) but even with this I don't feel I can manage much longer. Short of driving up and abandoning them with my DD (which I would never do because I don't think they would be safe) what do I do and is their
anyway I can get some help?!

I wouldn’t contact the dd and warn her tbh. I’d let the police make sure she’s ok. Social Services will run a background check on the boyfriend. They will not allow him to be around the D.C. if there are concerns. He doesn’t sound like someone I’d want around my D.C. OP shouldn’t give him the chance - or her dd who saw fit to abandon her dc.

This is a terrible situation for the D.C. and DGM. Let the people who know what they’re doing intervene and make a plan of action - In the best interest of the children.

Mother and dodgy boyfriend are not it! Poor children (and Grandma) 😢

Totally agree with all the posters saying you’ve been amazing, but please report to school and social services today.

Between your DD and her violent BF, their disengaged dad, and your GD’s additional needs, you need serious help and support now. 🌺

Have you spoken to her or just text? I’m concerned that it’s not her you are texting. She might not be ok. Further to that it definitely sounds like a domestic abuse situation. You need help with this. Are the children’s school aware?

Poor you and poor children - I would call your daughter and tell her you are not coping, that you are giving her 24 hours to get back and take responsibility and that you will be contacting social services - social services will hopefully give you support 🌺

Yes I agree. If OP has heard from her DD by text it’s not necessarily her DD texting

I'm surprised your grand daughter doesn't have a social worker since she has autism, she really needs one.

The vast majority of children with autism don’t have a social worker. @BeetleBee99 contact your local social work department, be clear your DD has abandoned her children with you and that this wasn’t something you agreed to. In the short term think about what might help you cope - are there financial pressures, is it getting the kids to school, entertaining the kids in holidays etc and ask for help with those bits.

The reality is it will take time to sort something out in the medium to longer term. Unless you absolutely refuse to have them, social work will want keep them with you initially because it’s better for the kids not to be moved around. The other option practically at this stage is foster care. I know dad is an option but given he lives at a significant distance that would need to be more of a planned move due to schools etc.

There is a charity called kinship care. I would ring them to get advice on what you want from social services. Social services may be able to offer respite care, financial support so you can afford help at home or ultimately access to them if they have to go to foster care. Get their advice.

Your dgc are lucky to have you. Hope you can get the help you need.

You need to call social services and explain the situation. They need to know about her new partner as a safeguarding risk. Social services will place them in a temporary foster home. My daughters friend lives in a Foster home, and they are very nice.

This is shocking. I don’t think your daughter is safe either. I’d be calling the police and asking for some kind of welfare check on her and I’d be telling them and social services about the abandonment of the children. Tell your daughter first that you’ll report this -she may just return home. She may not but she definitely needs warning. I think she is under his coercive control given how you’ve described him and this is now a crime in this country so police need to know. I think the kids dad need to know the full extent and must consider stepping up…the kids moving there if your daughter doesn’t get home.

OP shouldn't give her DD the heads up. She needs to ring social services today and let the school know. These children aren't safe returning home with their mum (who has abandoned them for nearly 2 months) and her abusive boyfriend.

I agree I don't think your DD is safe. I would also do a Claire's law and welfare check first then take action regarding the DC depending on that outcome.

This 💯

To me it sounds like your daughter is being kept against her will. Please get the police and social services involved asap

School and social services need to know . You could get some respite to help you. Or alternatively they could live with their father. If she's not coming back you need to make some decisions as this can't carry on and it's not fair on the children.
Obviously you want to stay in their lives but you don't have to be their full time carer.
Have you considered your dd is being held against her will,? Should you contact police?

The girls father has offered to take them one weekend a month not good enough he needs to take them permanently now or social services will take them off you

The children need to go to their sad full time. Tell him to come and collect them.

do not give them back to their mother.

the only other option is social services as they are not safe

Look it's been 6 weeks the authorities need to be involved

You are doing an incredible job. But now it's time to contact social services for the kids if the dad refuses to take them. Alongside the police, as your daughter may actually be in trouble here and have no way out. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. But being a mum is never ending I guess xx

What type of a mum was she before disappearing ?
I am really shocked and wanted to say you have my full admiration.

I haven't read the whole thread because this is a) what i do for a living and b) have experience of a family member doing this
This is a huge safeguarding issue...you should inform the school and social services. They aren't going to take them away but they will put in support for you, especially given the additional needs.
Sending you all the virtual support possible ❤️

Call both the police and social services. Now. 6 weeks of abandonment is appalling.

I must admit that I would have very little sympathy or concern for your daughter in the circumstances. I don't think there is any point in trying to force your feckless daughter into taking the children and housing them with the violent oaf she is currently living with. If you have health issues though and are older you simply can't kill yourself looking after these children and people are very wrong to suggest that you must soldier on. If you die, these children will have one less caring person.

I think you need to inform the authorities and see if you can get the child benefit directed to you and hopefully as a stopgap measure hire some help. Hire a student for a couple of hours - my son used to work in a half way house for troubled youths and he'd just have been grateful for a job that didn't involve dealing with armed youths with drug problems. Somebody has to have a blunt talk with the father - he should be paying you something for caring for the children if he is only prepared to offer one day per month of care. Again, hire a cleaner or child care with that money. I think that a foster placement though with you visiting and taking them on outings may be the ultimate outcome.

OP Don’t be afraid to seek support from Children's Services. They won’t suddenly take the children from you. They are not in danger and there has been no abuse whilst in your care. All they will do is sit and talk to you and find out what you’re looking for in terms of support. You are struggling and nobody will blame you for that. You’ve been placed in a terrible position.

Social Services will contact the DCs father and other GPs. They will look to place them with a family member in the first instance. Only if there is no family member willing to take them will they place them in temporary foster care. But that will be local to you. They will, ideally, want to keep the dc in their school plus they will offer you contact - at a rate that’s agreed by you.

Do not warn your DD. Keep that man (and your dd) away from the D.C. until background checks have been made on him. Social Services will arrange for that to be done.

You’ve done an amazing job so far. Let those who deal with these situations as a job take over now. But do not be afraid of social services. They will support you and your GC.

If the Dad is at the other end of the country he presumably long ago decided he had no interest in parenting and would not be a suitable full time parent either.

Those poor children. They have been abandoned by both their parents. They are going to have life time scars from this. It’s terrible. I have no real sympathy for your daughter nor the father.

I’d call the social services and I’d also see if I could report my dd for child abandonment.

Police can do a welfare check on your dd. She sounds vulnerable.
social care can offer respite care for you
but financial help takes times and child benefit will only be paid if your dd transfers it to you. Which I doubt. It would be like admitting to herself that she is not coming back. I think she is in denial atm and thinks she’s on “holiday”. She needs a reality check but also .. in fairness most mums do not just get up and go… what was her life like before new man arrived?
You are being amazing and need to think about what you can do … worst case you can tell social services you can’t cope and won’t be picking them up from school. A social worker will pick them up and keep them in their care for a few hours, probably a trip to McDonald’s and back to the office until foster carers are found in an emergency.
working with social services to do what you can is the best outcome right now. Foster care for children who have loving family members can be dreadful because children always wonder why you also abandoned them. Even though you are struggling children don’t understand that.