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Original poster

DD has left GC's with me and I'm struggling

215 replies

BeetleBee99 · 22/04/2024 01:53

To keep this short (obviously there's a backstory but it's long and complicated)

My DD has met a new partner. He is aggressive, very controlling and prone to violent outbursts (I have witnessed these). Unfortunately she's obsessed with him and isn't prepared to listen to any of my concerns. She wanted to move in with him asap before this happened.

She has two DD's with her now ex-husband. My eldest DGD (aged 11) has ASD and learning difficulties. She needs a routine and a lot of support at both home and school. She doesn't cope well with any sort of change. The younger one is aged 8.

5 weeks ago DD text me and asked me to pick the kids up from school. I did so and then she asked me to keep them overnight. Overnight then turned into a weekend.

When I asked her what was going on, she told me that herself and her NP were in X town (over 200 miles away) having a little holiday... 🙄 alright for some. It's now been almost 6 weeks and she still won't give me a straight answer on when they are coming back. I've tried arguing with her, reasoning and threatening her but nothing is working. She won't listen to me. I think he's planning for them to stay up there and she's naïve enough to go along with it

I love my DGD's to absolute pieces, but I can't cope with them full time. I have health problems myself and I'm not upto running round after them anymore. The Easter holidays have left me completely exhausted. I have no other family nearby to help (my ds is in New Zealand).

The girls father has offered to take them one weekend a month (he works full time and lives at the other end of the country - they will have to fly upto him) but even with this I don't feel I can manage much longer. Short of driving up and abandoning them with my DD (which I would never do because I don't think they would be safe) what do I do and is their
anyway I can get some help?!

OP posts:
Scarletttulips · 22/04/2024 07:27

That is really not on of your dd. She has put her love life first and abandoned her kids

Abusive relationships have this affect on people - honestly this shit should be taught in schools.

Anything could be happening, it’s not romantic, it’s evil.

WelshTattySlippers · 22/04/2024 07:27

Frogpole · 22/04/2024 07:19

@BeetleBee99 I am truly sorry you've had that situation forced on you you. It sounds like the frying pan has caught fire and the devil is about to sling it in the deep blue sea then jump in after it!

The only advice I can give you is neither cute 'n' fluffy nor particularly plateable, so I'll just get right on and say it:

You need to call social services TODAY. This morning. Actually NOW. I know it feels like the hardest thing in the world, but you know what's even harder? Staying in limbo for the next three years then trying to deal with it - especially when the phone call to child services goes "Oh no, how terrible! And it's been like this for... 3 YEARS? Ok hun, well if you've made it this far I'll check back in two decades to see if anything's changed. Don't worry though, I'm posting you a gold star for effort and a copy of our pamphlet "10 reasons why it pays to be a winner but sucks to be you :D!"

It's cruel to be kind time, only thing that matters is what's long term best for those kids, not how you or anyone else "feels".

You're not in a position to full time raise those kids.
Their mum's going through whatever, and for the foreseeable future needs to be kept separate from them for everyone's safety.
Their dad doesn't sound like he's able to give them full time care.

Child services can and will move heaven and earth to provide the right support for those kids, you'd be amazed by what they can make happen and the budget they have to facilitate it.

And even if they go for the measure of absolute last resort, even if they go with the nuclear option of giving the little ones an alternative place to live whilst everyone works on a long term solution - how bad is that, really?

You'll get phone calls, visits, access and such just the same as you would if they lived with one or both parents

Dad will likely get some sort of arrangement same as if the little ones lived with their mum.

They can offer mum all kinds of support and assistance to help her with her current situation, not just "well get rid of the bloke then we'll talk", I mean long term psychological support to try to find the root causes of this harmful behaviour and deal with those, then start to think about involving her with the little ones again in time.

Most of all though, the kiddies with be with people who are really really well equipped, set up, prepared, able, have all the time, energy and desire in the world to give the kiddies a temporary home that's happy, safe and nurturing.

You've got to do what's right for the kids really.

Exactly! You said it so much better than me 👏👏

Gosh it’s annoying when posters keep saying

  • they’ll take the children away
  • tell the mother to get her arse back
  • talk to the father
  • blah blah

Grandma has done all she can. Over to children’s services and the police now.

Whaleandsnail6 · 22/04/2024 07:27

For now their father needs to step up. I'm presuming he knows the situation? One weekend a month is nothing.

These poor kids. I think you need to contact social services. Their mum has abandoned them and she isn't fit to parent them whenever she does return.

The kids need to come first.
Let their dad know you will be speaking to social services to give him chance to make arrangements to have them full time. If he doesnt do this, then they will need foster care. You cant go on like this, you need support, as do the kids.

Conkersinautumn · 22/04/2024 07:27

You've got to get in touch with school and get the ball rolling for them and you to get support. Their mum has abandoned them and their dad won't step up.

BaconCozzers · 22/04/2024 07:28

What kind of mum was she before she met this bloke? What is their dad actually like? I'm assuming he's disinterested if he moved to the other end of the country but obviously we don't know the circumstances, is he decent?

Those poor babies, and poor you op. You've been an angel and I'm sure always will be. There's been lots of advice on this thread, I hope some of it helps you x

WestSouthWest · 22/04/2024 07:29

I think it’s brilliant that you’ve stepped up to support your grandchildren over the last few weeks, but I’m sorry you’ve had to do this under the circumstances and without support. I would echo what other posters have said and urge you to contact the children’s school and also social services. Try to make this call as soon as you can today (ideally this morning) and explain everything you’ve told us on the thread. As other posters have also recommended, I would also make contact with the police so they can make sure your daughter is not being held against her will. Hopefully you can get some support in place to help you. Worst case scenario is the children go into temporary foster care. It’s not the outcome that anyone wants, but their parents seem quite happy for you to take on the care needs of their children full time without any help so I’m afraid it’s about what’s in the best interests of the children and your own ability to care for them, rather than saving face for the sake of their parents. This is a very difficult situation and you have coped admirably. Please make that call today as this situation is unfair for you and the children.

2021x · 22/04/2024 07:33

Echoing everyone’s advice and call
Social Services. It will be rough now, but will pay off in the long term.

If there is a potential aggressive partner on the scene, you will need their support.

XXX

Fairysteps11 · 22/04/2024 07:35

Your daughter is in an abusive relationship. She may not be as selfish or willing to abandon children as you think. Her safety may be compromised. Abusers play mind games, use scare tactics and can use physical violence to control them. Please phone the police about your daughter. As I've said, her safety may be compromised.

It may not be as simple as going away and abandoning the children as you think.

Right now, your grandchildren are safe. Your daughter may not be. Raise this alarm ASAP.

betterangels · 22/04/2024 07:41

She has abandoned her children for a man. Plain and simple. Or maybe more to it? There's no way to know. The result for the children is the same, regardless. They must be confused. Get school and social services involved to help you cope.

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/04/2024 07:42

Ponderingwindow · 22/04/2024 02:42

Short of your daughter suddenly becoming a responsible parent, your options are

  1. dad takes residential custody full time. This is the obvious choice unless he has problems with anger or addiction. He can pay for child care. Plenty of parents work full time
  2. of dad is incapable or also refuses, call social services, ask for help, and hope for a kinship placement with you or another family member
  3. you call social services and the children enter the foster care system

i know this will sound harsh, but I hope you do everything possible to avoid option 3, even if this is not how you saw this stage of your life.

Absolutely this.

One weekend a month? They're his children.

You have done more than enough - children are hard work, no matter how much you love them. You can't care for them full time though I'm sure you would love to - the fact that you have cared for them so far says how much you love them.

Your own health will suffer - you will be physically incapable of caring for them or yourself. Please contact social services if the father won't help. This is unfair to you and the children.

JLou08 · 22/04/2024 07:44

Contact the police and social services. She is in a relationship with a violent man and has been gone for 6 weeks and abandoned her children. I'd be very concerned for her safety as well as the children.

ttcat37 · 22/04/2024 07:45

I would be calling the police to report your daughter missing. Either she is not ok or being prevented from coming home. That or she’s ditched her kids which is unlikely (but does happen). If you contact the police they wil do a social services referral for the kids.

MamaSleep · 22/04/2024 07:45

💐

Whateveer · 22/04/2024 07:50

Have you actually spoken to your DD, heard her voice? Or just by text? Alarm bells are ringing like, unless she has habit for not being a good Mum?

I'd push for their Dad to take them full time, failing that social services need involving.

gettingbackonit23 · 22/04/2024 07:51

ttcat37 · 22/04/2024 07:45

I would be calling the police to report your daughter missing. Either she is not ok or being prevented from coming home. That or she’s ditched her kids which is unlikely (but does happen). If you contact the police they wil do a social services referral for the kids.

Sounds very much like she has ditched her kids. She’s choosing to put her boyfriend first - it happens all the time.

saraclara · 22/04/2024 07:53

I know everyone wants the dad to take some responsibility, but that would mean the kids moving to the other end of the country, to a dad they don't even seem to know, and losing their friends, their grandma and their school. That is probably the last thing they need given the trauma they're already dealing with.

School and social services for the kids, and police for your daughter, like everyone has said.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 22/04/2024 07:54

AgentJohnson · 22/04/2024 05:02

Your daughter has abandoned her children. Give her 24 hours notice before informing the authorities.

I agree.It could scare them enough to make them come back

Billybagpuss · 22/04/2024 07:56

Speak first to the school this morning when you do the drop off, let them know the situation, then when you get back call social services and ask them if they think you should also contact the police to do a welfare check on your DD.

have a really good think about what you are capable of dealing with yourself as whatever happens next is going to be really traumatic for the dc and so far you have been the only stable influence in their life, I’m not saying that to guilt you but they don’t want to lose you completely so work out what you can realistically offer.

good luck. 💐

eish · 22/04/2024 07:58

Speak to the DSL at school and get social services involved.

JLou08 · 22/04/2024 07:58

OpusGiemuJavlo · 22/04/2024 04:51

The poor kids - and you deserve a bloody medal for coping so far.

You are quite right that you can't return them to your DD who is clearly an unfit parent and they would be at serious risk of harm with her.

Is there any way you could relocate to near the kids father so as to have more like 50:50 care with him?

In a decently civilised country it ought to be possible to call on social services for aid but in reality they will only step in if you are at breaking point or a bit beyond and already broken.

You could try autism focused charities to see if any of them can offer regular respite care but it seems unlikely. The best source of help has got to be the kids' dad, or the other set of grandparents perhaps?

This isn't true, social services would take abandoned children very seriously.
I also wouldn't suggest relocating for dad, he is going to be no use otherwise he would be offering more than 1 day a month.

Nicole1111 · 22/04/2024 07:59

You need to call social services. They can work with you to explore options like fostering, respite etc.

Dbirk · 22/04/2024 07:59

Are you sure DD is ok? Has she only communicated by text? I'd ask the police to do a welfare check as a start. Then contact social services and explain the children have been abandoned. You'll just have to walk through it step by step and see what support they can offer.

Calliopespa · 22/04/2024 08:00

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 22/04/2024 04:36

I think you have been given some great advice upthread …. But I just wanted to say I think you are amazing and I’m so sorry your DD has let you and your DGC’s down so much. It must be so hard physically emotionally and financially on you whilst dealing with your daughters lies and behaviour.

Send an email to her and the DGC’s father saying they will have to work out a permanent custody by x date or social services will be contacted.

You are an angel and one of a kind

I agree with this post.

How lucky these girls are to have you but you do need support.

I would also be wondering if your DD is ok. If she really is just on a jaunt, then What.Was.She.Thinking?

Either way I’d give them a date. Best to let them know authorities will soon be involved.

Viviennemary · 22/04/2024 08:01

Get in touch with social services. You becoming ill with stress won't help anybody.

gettingbackonit23 · 22/04/2024 08:01

PrincessHoneysuckle · 22/04/2024 07:54

I agree.It could scare them enough to make them come back

Show quote history

She still needs SS intervention though because she has brought a violent man into her children’s lives and refuses to break up with him.