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Original poster

DD has left GC's with me and I'm struggling

215 replies

BeetleBee99 · 22/04/2024 01:53

To keep this short (obviously there's a backstory but it's long and complicated)

My DD has met a new partner. He is aggressive, very controlling and prone to violent outbursts (I have witnessed these). Unfortunately she's obsessed with him and isn't prepared to listen to any of my concerns. She wanted to move in with him asap before this happened.

She has two DD's with her now ex-husband. My eldest DGD (aged 11) has ASD and learning difficulties. She needs a routine and a lot of support at both home and school. She doesn't cope well with any sort of change. The younger one is aged 8.

5 weeks ago DD text me and asked me to pick the kids up from school. I did so and then she asked me to keep them overnight. Overnight then turned into a weekend.

When I asked her what was going on, she told me that herself and her NP were in X town (over 200 miles away) having a little holiday... 🙄 alright for some. It's now been almost 6 weeks and she still won't give me a straight answer on when they are coming back. I've tried arguing with her, reasoning and threatening her but nothing is working. She won't listen to me. I think he's planning for them to stay up there and she's naïve enough to go along with it

I love my DGD's to absolute pieces, but I can't cope with them full time. I have health problems myself and I'm not upto running round after them anymore. The Easter holidays have left me completely exhausted. I have no other family nearby to help (my ds is in New Zealand).

The girls father has offered to take them one weekend a month (he works full time and lives at the other end of the country - they will have to fly upto him) but even with this I don't feel I can manage much longer. Short of driving up and abandoning them with my DD (which I would never do because I don't think they would be safe) what do I do and is their
anyway I can get some help?!

OP posts:
DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/04/2024 09:15

Bellyblueboy · 22/04/2024 09:08

I am really puzzled here by the strong reaction against h the e dad taking the children!

their mum is in a relationship with a dangerous man and she has abandoned them. Their grandmother can’t cope with them.

yes their dad sounds a bit useless - but does everyone think foster care would be better?

Mehta is everyone else’s solution? Would foster care not be harder for the kids?

Foster care is a temporary situation while the family decide what is best.

It may never happen.

The DD may come to her senses once she's told that SS and the law are involved.

Just because they have a father, doesn't mean they have a) had ongoing contact with him and b) that he is a suitable parent.

To dump an 11 year old with her Dad when she's going through puberty, doesn't have any friends in the area, has SEN, would have to be found a place in a school for the last term of the school year would be very traumatic.

The idea solution is that her mum comes home PDQ and has support and counselling to get herself sorted out.

TealSapphire · 22/04/2024 09:15

@DeliciouslyDecadent I'm not in cuckoo land at all. I've had to make significant changes work wise to support me and my children, who see their father very sporadically and not at all for long stretches. And I have a mortgage to pay!

We don't know about their relationship with him or when he found out about the situation. All we've been told is he works full time.

Distance is certainly a factor but I still believe as a parent the buck stops with you.

Naunet · 22/04/2024 09:16

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/04/2024 09:07

Oh come on!

Maybe that's the last thing the girls want- they may not have a good relationship with their Dad.

To suggest he moves (ditching a career) is not so simple, is it?
Let's get real over this.
A man's job pays the mortgage.

You're in cloud cuckoo land.

Also, I suspect that he hasn't been told about the situation until recently as the OP has allowed this to drift for nearly 6 weeks before taking to a forum and asking for advice.

Show quote history

He’s their bloody father, their parent. I bet you wouldn’t use a job that pays a mortgage as a reason to why a mother shouldn’t step up. Having said that though, he probably thinks he has as much responsibility in this situation as you do, so he’s unlikely to step up and be an actual parent to the children he decided to have.

crumblingschools · 22/04/2024 09:17

@ZetuianRose they are not excusing him of any responsibility but he doesn’t seem to be very good dad material. He should be there now providing support, but he isn’t.

DownWithThisKindOfThing · 22/04/2024 09:18

What a horrid situation. Nothing to add to the excellent advice already given. You’re a fabulous nan.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/04/2024 09:19

TealSapphire · 22/04/2024 09:15

@DeliciouslyDecadent I'm not in cuckoo land at all. I've had to make significant changes work wise to support me and my children, who see their father very sporadically and not at all for long stretches. And I have a mortgage to pay!

We don't know about their relationship with him or when he found out about the situation. All we've been told is he works full time.

Distance is certainly a factor but I still believe as a parent the buck stops with you.

Yes, but presumably those happened over a timescale, not just overnight? And presumably their father paid maintenance as well? He didn't just run off and leave you or your children had to change schools in May of the school year and move 100s miles away?

You asked why his career was important because he was a man.

A career is important for anyone as it pays the bills and supports the family.
The Mum clearly doesn't have one so why give her a free pass?

crumblingschools · 22/04/2024 09:20

If he was a decent dad he would be in regular contact with his DC (even if distance meant he couldn’t see them in person). He would know they were at grannies. Can’t imagine DC haven’t mentioned mum isn’t around

Bellyblueboy · 22/04/2024 09:20

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/04/2024 09:07

Oh come on!

Maybe that's the last thing the girls want- they may not have a good relationship with their Dad.

To suggest he moves (ditching a career) is not so simple, is it?
Let's get real over this.
A man's job pays the mortgage.

You're in cloud cuckoo land.

Also, I suspect that he hasn't been told about the situation until recently as the OP has allowed this to drift for nearly 6 weeks before taking to a forum and asking for advice.

Show quote history

I hope I appreciate the dad lives far away I didn’t pick up that he lives in 1953😂

a man’s job pays the mortgage???

oh dear - I think your advice is at least three decades out of date.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/04/2024 09:22

Naunet · 22/04/2024 09:16

He’s their bloody father, their parent. I bet you wouldn’t use a job that pays a mortgage as a reason to why a mother shouldn’t step up. Having said that though, he probably thinks he has as much responsibility in this situation as you do, so he’s unlikely to step up and be an actual parent to the children he decided to have.

Show quote history

Just because he provided the sperm doesn't mean he's a good father or would be best option now.

And yes, of course I'd say the same about a mother. Leaving a job that puts a roof over the family's head would be ridiculous.

He's only been aware of this for days, so thinking he can up sticks when you don't even know about their relationship is a bit of a stretch.

NOTANUM · 22/04/2024 09:26

If the dad didn’t hop on the plane to sort it out directly and swiftly, or engage SS himself, I’m going to take a wild guess he is not father of the year material either.

The poor OP is the only one who has stepped up for these kids.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/04/2024 09:26

a man’s job pays the mortgage???
oh dear - I think your advice is at least three decades out of date.

That's not what I said.

I said that for someone who has a job - like the Dad here- how can he just leave it when he needs to put a roof over his head and the children's?

The Mum has upped sticks and presumably has no work.
Hence my point- you've just confirmed it! (She's presumably not working or paying a mortgage- or she's so wealthy she can take 6 weeks of unpaid leave.)

So you're now suggesting that the dad leaves his job, moves south (somehow finding the money to house them all when he has no job.)

Naunet · 22/04/2024 09:27

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/04/2024 09:22

Just because he provided the sperm doesn't mean he's a good father or would be best option now.

And yes, of course I'd say the same about a mother. Leaving a job that puts a roof over the family's head would be ridiculous.

He's only been aware of this for days, so thinking he can up sticks when you don't even know about their relationship is a bit of a stretch.

Show quote history

You should re-read what I actually wrote, I said myself the man clearly doesn’t think his children are his responsibility so is unlikely to step up. My objection is to using a man’s job as an excuse as to why he can’t be a parent to his own children. Also please do explain how this man’s job puts a roof over his childrens head, when they’re living with their grandmother?

Naunet · 22/04/2024 09:28

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/04/2024 09:26

a man’s job pays the mortgage???
oh dear - I think your advice is at least three decades out of date.

That's not what I said.

I said that for someone who has a job - like the Dad here- how can he just leave it when he needs to put a roof over his head and the children's?

The Mum has upped sticks and presumably has no work.
Hence my point- you've just confirmed it! (She's presumably not working or paying a mortgage- or she's so wealthy she can take 6 weeks of unpaid leave.)

So you're now suggesting that the dad leaves his job, moves south (somehow finding the money to house them all when he has no job.)

No, you literally said ‘a man’s job pays the mortgage’.

supercatlady · 22/04/2024 09:29

The local authority are more likely to put support in place than immediately put the children into foster care so please don’t be afraid to reach out for help and tell them how it is.
im sorry you’re dealing with this.

crumblingschools · 22/04/2024 09:29

The children have just been off school for Easter holidays. Where was dad? Surely, as he lives so far away, holidays is when he has his time with the DC

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/04/2024 09:29

You should re-read what I actually wrote, I said myself the man clearly doesn’t think his children are his responsibility so is unlikely to step up. My objection is to using a man’s job as an excuse as to why he can’t be a parent to his own children. Also please do explain how this man’s job puts a roof over his childrens head, when they’re living with their grandmother?

Are you being awkward on purpose or just not reading?

They are with their gran as the mum has gone on holiday. It's not a permanent set up.

You and others are suggesting he moves south at the drop of a hat, and abandons his job. Hence- how would he house them?

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/04/2024 09:31

@Naunet Okay if you want to be picky, it's in the context of this family where he would need as a SINGLE parent if they lived with HIM, to put a roof over their heads.

Okay?

Naunet · 22/04/2024 09:31

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/04/2024 09:29

You should re-read what I actually wrote, I said myself the man clearly doesn’t think his children are his responsibility so is unlikely to step up. My objection is to using a man’s job as an excuse as to why he can’t be a parent to his own children. Also please do explain how this man’s job puts a roof over his childrens head, when they’re living with their grandmother?

Are you being awkward on purpose or just not reading?

They are with their gran as the mum has gone on holiday. It's not a permanent set up.

You and others are suggesting he moves south at the drop of a hat, and abandons his job. Hence- how would he house them?

Where have I suggested that?! I’ve said no such thing, you’re just making things up now in your defence for this useless man.

crumblingschools · 22/04/2024 09:32

@DeliciouslyDecadent the mum has abandoned them. Can you imagine how confused they are feeling? Mum has a violent partner so not suitable for them to go and live with her whilst he is still around. Where is dad? What support, even in the short term, is he giving? OP is not coping. Again where is dad?

Naunet · 22/04/2024 09:32

DeliciouslyDecadent · 22/04/2024 09:31

@Naunet Okay if you want to be picky, it's in the context of this family where he would need as a SINGLE parent if they lived with HIM, to put a roof over their heads.

Okay?

Lots of single working parents manage to put a roof over their kids heads. How do you think they manage?

kiwiane · 22/04/2024 09:34

I would involve the school and social services; they may be able to persuade their dad to take them full time.

Dymaxion · 22/04/2024 09:37

The best way to access the help and support you need, is to make a phone call to social services and explain the situation to them. They would rather the girls are kept with you if at all possible for the short term, so will try to help make this very difficult situation easier for you.
It would be a good idea to have a chat with the Headteacher at the girls school , just to let them know, so they can support them and you too.
It wouldn't do any harm to contact the Police about your DD either.
I would speak to the Dad about school holidays going forward, he needs to make a commitment to having them during these times, this will give you some respite and help build a better relationship between them.

Mum1976Mum · 22/04/2024 09:37

Authorities need to be involved now! For everyone’s sake!

ZetuianRose · 22/04/2024 09:39

crumblingschools · 22/04/2024 09:17

@ZetuianRose they are not excusing him of any responsibility but he doesn’t seem to be very good dad material. He should be there now providing support, but he isn’t.

Which is why I said they have been abandoned by BOTH parents.

This thread is essentially criticising their mothers actions (quite rightly) but both parents are just as poor and irresponsible towards these poor kids. They are both equally responsible and neither are stepping up.