DD has left GC's with me and I'm struggling

[BeetleBee99]

To keep this short (obviously there's a backstory but it's long and complicated)

My DD has met a new partner. He is aggressive, very controlling and prone to violent outbursts (I have witnessed these). Unfortunately she's obsessed with him and isn't prepared to listen to any of my concerns. She wanted to move in with him asap before this happened.

She has two DD's with her now ex-husband. My eldest DGD (aged 11) has ASD and learning difficulties. She needs a routine and a lot of support at both home and school. She doesn't cope well with any sort of change. The younger one is aged 8.

5 weeks ago DD text me and asked me to pick the kids up from school. I did so and then she asked me to keep them overnight. Overnight then turned into a weekend.

When I asked her what was going on, she told me that herself and her NP were in X town (over 200 miles away) having a little holiday... 🙄 alright for some. It's now been almost 6 weeks and she still won't give me a straight answer on when they are coming back. I've tried arguing with her, reasoning and threatening her but nothing is working. She won't listen to me. I think he's planning for them to stay up there and she's naïve enough to go along with it

I love my DGD's to absolute pieces, but I can't cope with them full time. I have health problems myself and I'm not upto running round after them anymore. The Easter holidays have left me completely exhausted. I have no other family nearby to help (my ds is in New Zealand).

The girls father has offered to take them one weekend a month (he works full time and lives at the other end of the country - they will have to fly upto him) but even with this I don't feel I can manage much longer. Short of driving up and abandoning them with my DD (which I would never do because I don't think they would be safe) what do I do and is their
anyway I can get some help?!

You’d want the mother who abandoned. Her dc for 6 weeks to be forced back from her “holiday” to whisk her dc away from the love and protection of their DGM to live with a thug! Seriously?

If dad is offering to do one weekend a month, I assume he does bugger all now. Any decent dad would have been straight down to see his DC and support them and try and find a solution.

You need to give them to their father, is he a safe person?

AND call social services because really your DD has abandoned her kids (new man or no) she has left them unless she is being held hostage?

you do need to make yourself aware of that fact and sit with it. Don’t make excuses for her, she’s behaving irresponsibly.

I think they need to go live with their dad, unless he is not a good parent for some reason.

It's definitely time to call social services. These poor kids have two parents who don't give a shit about then. Time to give them at least a chance of something better.

And, fly up, drop them off at dad's house and tell him they're his kids and you'll have them one weekend a month to help out.

I think I'd also ask the police to do a welfare check. Abusers and victims often go into hiding when the victim is covered in injuries from a beating.

Definitely get dad onside. Assuming he’s a safe/sensible parent then he can’t just abandon you/the girls apart from 2 days a month. Ideally, he should move to where you live and take the girls in, given they’ve been abandoned. He can always get a job nearby. They shouldn’t have their entire lives disrupted just because your DD has bogged off. Your eldest granddaughter definitely sounds as though she needs to be close to you, rather than moving to the opposite end of the country.

School and SS need to be notified.

What an awful situation.

Why are people suggesting the dad, when he is obviously showing no interest whatsoever in his DC. Wouldn’t a good parent be a) concerned that mum had hooked up with a violent partner and b) abandoned her DC with OP.
He lives the other end of the country so can’t imagine he sees them much now.
Poor children

School and social services need to know immediately

What a difficult situation. I agree re the childcare options above but my priority would be to check your daughter is ok. Have you spoken to her or FaceTimed her?

Well I just want to say how lucky the children are to be under your stability whilst you organise long term care for them.

Her abandoning them with you is a way to get social services involved. This will involve investigation into her partner and if your DD ever gets them back they will remain under SS radar if necessary.

You need to speak to your ex son in law. Would he consider a move down and taking full time responsibility for them? You could sweeten this deal by advising him of what child benefits he would get along with DLA etc. Also - it might help if you told him you could have the kids 2 weekends a month etc.

If that it's ok - would he consider having them live with him? Talk to him about the eldest's SEN - would they cope ok with that big a transition? Ask him if he would be happy for them to go into fostering or a children's home? Ask him to look into the reality of these and look into the stories of children who have grown out of state care and how it's affected them.

If that it's ok - would he consider having them live with him?

I meant would he consider if the children moved to his location and live with him there? and ask him to consider if the children would cope ok with that move and to stay without familial support.

I would definitely involve both Social Services and the police at this stage. Firstly to make sure your daughter is safe and secondly for them to look into the circumstances of everyone involved and help make plans for the children’s future. It isn’t safe for their mother just to come back and take them, there needs to be some record of what has happened. If they do go to live with this man they need to be on the radar of child protection. The children’s father may shape up if he gets a visit from social services. If the children stay with you you need more support. Let social services look into it. They will likely have a statergy meeting with the police. school and health involved.

You need to contact school and social services.
They will help and support you non-end if you are happy to keep your GDs.
They will arrange and fund wrap around care for them both I.e breakfast club, after school club and extra financial support if required.

Thank you for stepping forward for your GCs when their parents have failed them.

Please speak to a senior member of staff at school, be that your safeguarding lead, deputy head or whomever. Explain exactly what you’ve said here and they should engage SS to assess their needs.

Given their ages and vulnerabilities I’m not sure the automatic answer is to send them to live with a father they don’t know well and outside their established support network. But they can help assess that.

Good luck!

Yes definitely contact social services. I'd love to hear the conversation between them and the kids dad when he offers to take them for one weekend a month

People keep mentioning breakfast club and after school clubs but at 11 the oldest is probably past this point in most schools. There may be some support though.

I don’t mean to add to your worries, but she your daughter there voluntarily? I would be tempted to get a welfare check done due to what you have said about the new partner.
If so then they need to go to their father full time. Maybe he could fly them to you once a month? It’s their dad’s responsibility now not yours. I would also speak to the school and social services about supporting the children and you too.

There is support for Kinship carers yes, potentially respite care, the grandmother also needs to start getting any child benefit, DLA for the child etc paid to her

There father working full time isn't a reason he can't raise them. Most parents work full time. If he is generally responsible he needs to take them and register them in school where he is and accept that the custody arrangements have changed. If he isn't a safe adult, then yes, you need to get formal support including financial support from the state. Your DD is appalling. Your DC must feel so abandoned by their mother.

Offering a hand hold.

As pp have said I’d be speaking to school and police for welfare check on your dd 💐💐

Definitely report to school/ss. I would be concerned about your daughter as well and if payments for things like child benefit stop I would imagine she would be home/dumped v soon.

What a horrendous situation you are in.

This is horrendous and incredibly serious. Their father, the school and social services all need to be informed immediately that they have been abandoned. I also wouldnt want them anywhere near this new partner of hers. Please reach out and get as much support as you can, Im so sorry this is happening to you and your grandaughters. It may be worth requesting a welfare check from the police just to make sure your daughter isnt being held against her will.

If any of this is true (which I doubt, not only because it was posted in AIBU) then all good advice has been given in plentiful measures. I somehow doubt that the OP will be back to answer any questions that were asked for clarification.

those poor children. if your DD cannot take them then their father has to - contact him and tell him his children need to stay with him. If he doesn’t want them they will go into foster care - you will need to involve SS.
neither parent has to set up because they have you.