DD has left GC's with me and I'm struggling

[BeetleBee99]

To keep this short (obviously there's a backstory but it's long and complicated)

My DD has met a new partner. He is aggressive, very controlling and prone to violent outbursts (I have witnessed these). Unfortunately she's obsessed with him and isn't prepared to listen to any of my concerns. She wanted to move in with him asap before this happened.

She has two DD's with her now ex-husband. My eldest DGD (aged 11) has ASD and learning difficulties. She needs a routine and a lot of support at both home and school. She doesn't cope well with any sort of change. The younger one is aged 8.

5 weeks ago DD text me and asked me to pick the kids up from school. I did so and then she asked me to keep them overnight. Overnight then turned into a weekend.

When I asked her what was going on, she told me that herself and her NP were in X town (over 200 miles away) having a little holiday... 🙄 alright for some. It's now been almost 6 weeks and she still won't give me a straight answer on when they are coming back. I've tried arguing with her, reasoning and threatening her but nothing is working. She won't listen to me. I think he's planning for them to stay up there and she's naïve enough to go along with it

I love my DGD's to absolute pieces, but I can't cope with them full time. I have health problems myself and I'm not upto running round after them anymore. The Easter holidays have left me completely exhausted. I have no other family nearby to help (my ds is in New Zealand).

The girls father has offered to take them one weekend a month (he works full time and lives at the other end of the country - they will have to fly upto him) but even with this I don't feel I can manage much longer. Short of driving up and abandoning them with my DD (which I would never do because I don't think they would be safe) what do I do and is their
anyway I can get some help?!

3) dad working full time isn't an excuse. He will need to take them during the school holidays and arrange his leave accordingly - and /or are there council funded holiday clubs that could help you?

Hopefully he will have ceased making any child support payments to the deserting mother so he should be paying it to the grandmother or paying for childcare where he lives and having them full time. If the he does that and then the mother tries to regain custody I hope she would be unsuccessful and be made to pay him for their support.

It’s very weird. Of course their
other parents is the first choice before going into bloody care!

even if it means moving, why would you use up a foster placement when the children have another adequate parent.
Going into care is traumatic, it would be even more traumatic knowing that your mother has abandoned you to think
your father has as well.

if he can, he needs to.

I think most kids would rather remain in their locality, in their school, and near their friends. If one of them had special needs, the last thing that should happen is for her to lose any support that she had at her present school.

Making a decision to move them to the other end of the country to someone they presumably barely know, after only six weeks, is very premature. Their future needs more thought that that.

At this point OP needs support from SS. The girls are not going to be whisked away from her care any time soon, but if OP really can't have them, short term fostering in the area where their friends are, where their school is, and where they can still see their grandma, might well be their preference.

I get why so many people are demanding that the father face his responsibility. But it's what those girls need that is way more important. And somehow I don't that what they need or want is to be sent to him, so far away.

@beAsensible1 if he was an involved dad do you not think he would be there for his DC now? They must be so confused where mum is

they can’t stay with their gran for much longer. Their mum isn’t on holiday, she has done a runner. And even when she comes back it doesn’t sound like she is a stable or safe parent.

if they are to stay locally, foster care seems the only option. Surely social services won’t put them into foster care without pursuing their other parent?

If hope that SS would have the needs of the girls as their priority, especially when one has special needs.

Obviously the government cuts will make that hard for them, but all things being equal I REALLY hope that they would keep these abandoned children local to their school, their friends, and the only relative who gives a shit about them.

I'm sceptical over this entire thread as the OP has posted once.

Funny how the posters are focusing on the role of the father when he's not done anything wrong. yet the Mum clearly has and has 'issues' that may go back a long way.

But there must be a back story to this because no one with stable mental health would desert their family and also hide from their mum (the OP) and behave like this.

Why is no one focusing on getting her back, and then deciding how the family copes from there?

She clearly has issues - not least choosing an unsuitable boyfriend (although that is purely the OP's judgement) - and there may be two sides to that.

You may be right @DeliciouslyDecadent or OP may have gone NC for this.

Her daughter hasn't disappeared, she is communicating with her.

Posters are probably focussing on the father because he's the available parent and, in a situation where one parent has 'abandoned' their DC, most people (I would assume) would go and get their own child/children (I would). Obviously the mother's behaviour is abysmal but she's not coming back so that's not an option and OP is saying she can't cope for much longer (and she isn't the primary carer). If she can't cope then it's SS or dad. Family are best for those poor kids.

Agree @DeliciouslyDecadent it’s not exactly the type of thread you might forget you posted - it’s not exactly ‘what brand of bread do you buy’?

How terrible, OP. Do you have any friends that could help you whilst things are being sorted?

I agree with PPs that have suggested that you ask the police to do a welfare check with your DD. Hopefully you know the NP's name so they can find him, too.

I'm sceptical over this entire thread as the OP has posted once.

Me too. I debated posting because I wasn’t convinced.

I have raised it with MNHQ who can look at it.

Maybe she’s busy with the kids she did say she was struggling

Given the OP hasn't been back, I hope all is OK.