DD has left GC's with me and I'm struggling

[BeetleBee99]

To keep this short (obviously there's a backstory but it's long and complicated)

My DD has met a new partner. He is aggressive, very controlling and prone to violent outbursts (I have witnessed these). Unfortunately she's obsessed with him and isn't prepared to listen to any of my concerns. She wanted to move in with him asap before this happened.

She has two DD's with her now ex-husband. My eldest DGD (aged 11) has ASD and learning difficulties. She needs a routine and a lot of support at both home and school. She doesn't cope well with any sort of change. The younger one is aged 8.

5 weeks ago DD text me and asked me to pick the kids up from school. I did so and then she asked me to keep them overnight. Overnight then turned into a weekend.

When I asked her what was going on, she told me that herself and her NP were in X town (over 200 miles away) having a little holiday... 🙄 alright for some. It's now been almost 6 weeks and she still won't give me a straight answer on when they are coming back. I've tried arguing with her, reasoning and threatening her but nothing is working. She won't listen to me. I think he's planning for them to stay up there and she's naïve enough to go along with it

I love my DGD's to absolute pieces, but I can't cope with them full time. I have health problems myself and I'm not upto running round after them anymore. The Easter holidays have left me completely exhausted. I have no other family nearby to help (my ds is in New Zealand).

The girls father has offered to take them one weekend a month (he works full time and lives at the other end of the country - they will have to fly upto him) but even with this I don't feel I can manage much longer. Short of driving up and abandoning them with my DD (which I would never do because I don't think they would be safe) what do I do and is their
anyway I can get some help?!

Practical steps for you and the girls:
1)Contact the school - could they supply funded places at the after school club to help you cope? If not contact the holiday clubs directly explain and ask for discount - they may well help.
2) Contact social services - you need child benefit and carers allowance
3) dad working full time isn't an excuse. He will need to take them during the school holidays and arrange his leave accordingly - and /or are there council funded holiday clubs that could help you?

Your daughter has dropped them for an unsafe man - she is no longer an option.

Your daughter has abandoned her children. She is a neglectful parent who has prioritised her boyfriend over her children. This is a social services matter.

You are a great support for for your DGC but you and your poor DGC have been put in a difficult situation by your flakey DDs actions and you need to speak urgently to their school and social services to come up with a long term plan for their foster care. Even if your DD returned it sounds like your DGC would be unsafe with her and her abusive new DP. If their DF lives and works long distance how would they even take flying up to see him once a month as presumably they only have an intermittent long distance relationship with him? If he's in scotland different laws apply too.
A big un MN hug for you all.

How are the girls coping with this - its amazing that you are doing your best to keep them in a stable routine/school and so on but how have they responded? Presumably they (like you) were not prepared for an overnight to become 6 weeks - are they missing their mum? are they feeling abandoned. Is their mother in touch any way eg calls and so on?

The fathers role - I suppose it depends on his closeness to/relationship with his daughters and whether there has been an abuse/animosity history but I would be expecting something from him in time of a family crisis while his daughters are in such an unstable situation eg taking parental leave to come and help you for a period, being involved in making plans for their support - but living so far away it sounds as though he has essentially moved far away and abandoned all daily care of your GCs to your daughter in the past.

Are you worried about your daughters safety? is this abandonment of her children out of character? could she being coerced in any way, exploited in this new town? or fear for her safety. Could you arrange a welfare check with the police or make a Claires law enquiry about the new boyfriend?

Theres some great advice here about who to contact - but this situation is unsustainable as you cant just step in as ' mother' and carry on seamlessly with their parenting without support and consideration of your health and abilities. Really think you need to involve official agencies eg social services, foster care as soon as possible.

Where has OP gone?

You need to call social services. You need to tell the what's happening. You need to explain what you are and aren't prepared to do to accommodate the kids or not as the case may be. They will push back and try and get you to agree to take the kids. You need to stand firm on what you can and can't do. They will want you to keep the kids because it does cost anything or involve them arranging anything. Maybe they can offer you some support or restbite care. Maybe they can take the kids and you can visit. In the meantime is your daughter giving you the child benefit money and child support money? You might be able to use that to get a childminder. Of not contact the dad directly and get him to send child maintenance money to you instead. You daughter should also be paying maintenance. At least you'd be able to pay for some help like a cleaner or childcare.

This ^^

She's abandoned those children, ultimately it's up to their dad to step up and take care of his kids. Or you get police and social services involved.

I don’t see your daughter coming until the relationship hopefully breaks down because she has definitely abandoned them. Even if she comes back, she’s not someone worthy of those children, she will put them in harms way and won’t care one bit.
You need to look out for yourself now.
Involve social services, tell the dad that they’ll be going into foster care if he does not come and take them full time. I feel sorry for the children but it’s not your fault.

I don't have any advice, I'm sorry.

But can I just say how lucky they are to have you. Those girls will grow up and be so incredibly grateful that you rescued them in the way you have done.

Credit to you. Amazing. X

this is horrific.

I know it’s a nightmare for you and it’s not fair. But I must say i would do whatever I could to keep these two wee girls out of the care system.

Hopefully to try and get some sleep in the early hours, and then doing the school run for two children. It's not been very long.

And potentially in a meeting with the school etc

Could you drop them at their dads house and refuse to have them back?

Could you drop them at their dads house and refuse to have them back?

How would be beneficial for the children, not to mention even more disruptive, when he lives a flight away?

You're missing the point.

If he is going to move house rather than the children moving to Scotland or wherever he is, that's going to take time and planning.

I've never ever said a single parent can't provide.

The children are already being raised by a single parent but she's buggered off.

Why can't people read?

The OP says he lives a plane journey away- hundreds of miles.

Are you proposing that a woman in her 60s perhaps drives hundreds of miles with 2 young children - when you don't even know if a) she drives b) has a car c) is happy and confident to drive the distance?

Agree that now is the time to involve the authorities. Your poor grandchildren.

Can't you read? The dad has said he will have the kids once a month and they will fly up to him.

You need to contact social services your dd has abandoned her children if she comes back they could be in danger....if the boyfriend returns too.
There will be an assessment if you can't care for them and dad isn't willing they need care.

My reply was for the poster (you?) who said why couldn't the OP drop off the kids at the Dad's (as if he was round the corner.)

You can hardly 'drop them off' when it involves a plane flight for 2 kids and their Gran.

Who knows if he would even be there? Or take them in?

I don't see the point of your post.

Adding to the chorus of contacting social services, partly for support for you and partly because there is nothing currently stopping your daughter from swooping in to pick up these children and take them off to live with the new partner. What she has done is very wrong, totally irresponsible and abusive to them, but at least they are safe. He does not sound like the sort of person they would be safe with, at all, and it would be better for children's services to be fully aware of the situation before anything worse can happen.

I agree that you need to contact social services. If it came to the point that they were considering removing the children from their parents' care, they look to place them with birth family first anyway. Your situation would not be any different to how it is now, but you might at least have some certainty as to what was going on (and options for respite care etc).

I think too many people here are suggesting Social Services as if they’ll swoop in and solve everything.
Theres been good advice around making sure the DD is actually okay herself - that’s important here.
But as for SS- you DO NOT want those kids ending up in care. Outcomes for looked after children are really awful at the moment, there’s not enough staff, money, carers, foster families - the list goes on. And even when it wasn’t such a shit show - thanks Tories- family IS always the preference for kids unless there are genuinely safeguarding issues.
O