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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I increasingly resent my in-laws!

220 replies

AmesandKe · 19/04/2024 21:35

I'll start with I know I can't do anything about this and I should be happy for them but it's hard.
DH and I have 2 kids, I work 28 hours a week, he works 40 hours. I'm on little above minimum wage, he makes £14 an hour. 2 years ago my parents were able to give us £10,000 we used this a deposit on a house. We are in Scotland so that was little less than 10%. We were in a council house before that, but the area was awful, we were planning to use MIL for childcare and our kids would have to share a small room, plus I don't like the idea of boy/girl siblings sharing.
Our house is fine, it's not modern at all, basic and tired but functional.

DSs sister lives in a council house. She struck gold and got a council house on a private development when she had her twins as that put her up to 3 kids and classed as overcrowded, it's beautiful the houses on the estate all sold for 220k for a 3 bed which is double what our house was! She works 14 hours a week, makes a little more an hour than I do. Her husband is a joiner for the council and makes 33k a year.
PIL are also in a council house.

Here's the issue, they seem to live a much better life than we do! They go on 3 holidays a year (yes usually it's haven and euro camp but still!), have a nice newish car on lease etc.
This is mainly as they still get UC, which covers their full rent and then some. Since we bought we no longer qualify for any UC and as such we also can't get the Scottish child payment!
To top it off, they have just installed a new kitchen and bathroom in the house, it was basic before, but still it was only 2 years old!!! I know her DH is a joiner and did all the fitting himself and his dad is a painter and decorated so helped. Now they are doing the same for PIL.
It's so frustrating, we thought we were doing the right thing buying but now we are worse off, work more, make less when benefits are added.

AIBU to be really resentful that they are able to do all this and we can't? It feels like the system is broken!

OP posts:
chocmatcha · 19/04/2024 21:37

Can you get a better job?

Original poster
AmesandKe · 19/04/2024 21:41

chocmatcha · 19/04/2024 21:37

Can you get a better job?

Not really, I don't have any skills or qualifications past age 16. I work in a supermarket and obviously take more hours when I can but we are limited by childcare, obviously don't want to overly rely on grandparents. MIL already does pick up 4 days a week and has them 4 days in all the holidays.

OP posts:
Kevinisnotacatname · 19/04/2024 21:42

If he's on 33k and she's doing 14 hrs at just over minimum wage there is no way they're getting as much UC as you think they are

ICanFixHim · 19/04/2024 21:43

I do think you're being unreasonable. Assuming you had a secure lifetime tenancy before you bought, you made the decision to give that up.

I'm not sure I would unless I could very comfortably afford to buy. Owning a house is only about securing for me and not profit and sounds like you already had that although not quite what you wanted.

Original poster
AmesandKe · 19/04/2024 21:44

Kevinisnotacatname · 19/04/2024 21:42

If he's on 33k and she's doing 14 hrs at just over minimum wage there is no way they're getting as much UC as you think they are

I've put it in the benefits calculator and they are!! All of their children count for benefit purposes as there are twins, so they get about £650 according to the calculator and Scottish child payment which is £26.70 a week per child.

OP posts:
BloodyAdultDC · 19/04/2024 21:45

I've claimed UC with a mortgage op. You won't get the housing element of it I guess, but still something. Having a mortgage doesn't exclude you from claiming.

Brightandbubly · 19/04/2024 21:46

Better to concentrate on your situation it’s not going to do any good resenting her

Original poster
AmesandKe · 19/04/2024 21:47

ICanFixHim · 19/04/2024 21:43

I do think you're being unreasonable. Assuming you had a secure lifetime tenancy before you bought, you made the decision to give that up.

I'm not sure I would unless I could very comfortably afford to buy. Owning a house is only about securing for me and not profit and sounds like you already had that although not quite what you wanted.

Honestly If I could go back I wouldn't, I'd probably have held out for a swap but we were in an awful area (if anyone has seen the tv show the scheme ... like that!). Where as SIL is in a sleepy little village, on an expensive estate with only a few council houses.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmesandKe · 19/04/2024 21:47

BloodyAdultDC · 19/04/2024 21:45

I've claimed UC with a mortgage op. You won't get the housing element of it I guess, but still something. Having a mortgage doesn't exclude you from claiming.

We make too much without the housing element.

OP posts:
DGPP · 19/04/2024 21:52

Honestly, I think you need to focus on yourselves, the fact you’re paying a mortgage and will own your own home. Your earnings might increase as your children grow, you could always go back to college and retrain as something in a higher paying career.
i think you should focus on what you have and move forward rather than resenting others

Runnerinthenight · 19/04/2024 21:53

I think you will just have to make the best of your situation without comparing yourself with your ILs.

Could SIL's DH do up your kitchen, and your FIL do some painting for you? Plus you have (presumably?) free childcare from MIL and that's something a lot of families would kill for!

Timeforachocolate · 19/04/2024 21:56

But in 25 years or so you will own your house and never have to pay rent again.
when the twins are grown up your SIL will not get as much UC or the extra child payment and still have to pay rent for the rest of her life,

Icanseethebeach · 19/04/2024 21:56

You need to start looking at the positives in your life. You have a house, husband, two children and free childcare.

Sunshineclouds11 · 19/04/2024 21:58

Icanseethebeach · 19/04/2024 21:56

You need to start looking at the positives in your life. You have a house, husband, two children and free childcare.

Agree

Noicant · 19/04/2024 22:01

Timeforachocolate · 19/04/2024 21:56

But in 25 years or so you will own your house and never have to pay rent again.
when the twins are grown up your SIL will not get as much UC or the extra child payment and still have to pay rent for the rest of her life,

This, in the long run you and your family will be in a better position. Focus on your own family OP, once the kids are a bit older you can perhaps think about upskilling?

Hoardasauruskaren · 19/04/2024 22:04

There will come a time when your SIL won’t get all this benefit money as kids will be grown up & will probably have to pay rent. You will be sitting mortgage free with more disposable income & an asset ! Hard times now but security later! Try to enjoy what you have !

Piglet89 · 19/04/2024 22:14

Stunned you’re not getting your arse handed to you, TBH, OP. Your entitlement is UNREAL.

Unlike you, I didn’t finish school at 16, studied hard, got a degree from one of the best universities in the world and progressed to a professional career.

No siblings, no parental help on tap whatsoever, we are on our own and must pay for everything (including extortionate childcare) ourselves.

Time to grow up.

LordPercyPercy · 19/04/2024 22:21

As a fellow Scot, the general attitude of entitlement towards benefits in Scottish society is staggering.
OP why don't you look to retrain once both children are at school and progress your career? That would be a far better use of your mental energy.

Piglet89 · 19/04/2024 22:36

@LordPercyPercy similar in Northern Ireland (where I’m from).

Original poster
AmesandKe · 19/04/2024 22:36

Piglet89 · 19/04/2024 22:14

Stunned you’re not getting your arse handed to you, TBH, OP. Your entitlement is UNREAL.

Unlike you, I didn’t finish school at 16, studied hard, got a degree from one of the best universities in the world and progressed to a professional career.

No siblings, no parental help on tap whatsoever, we are on our own and must pay for everything (including extortionate childcare) ourselves.

Time to grow up.

Well I'm very happy for you and that you were able to do that.
I wasn't, and not everyone can. Someone will always have to staff the supermarket, wait tables and work in care homes!
The reality is I don't want a professional job, I like what I do. I like that when I leave work I don't have to do extra work on the evenings, I like that I can live rurally.
I'm not smart that's ok.

The next time your in the supermarket why don't you let the person serving you know that you think you are superior to them as you are so clever, maybe tell them to grow up to!

OP posts:
YabbaDabbaDooooo · 19/04/2024 22:36

AmesandKe · 19/04/2024 21:44

I've put it in the benefits calculator and they are!! All of their children count for benefit purposes as there are twins, so they get about £650 according to the calculator and Scottish child payment which is £26.70 a week per child.

Show quote history

This is weird behaviour.

Stop it and keep your nose in your own life.

Time4achangeithink · 19/04/2024 22:37

Piglet89 · 19/04/2024 22:14

Stunned you’re not getting your arse handed to you, TBH, OP. Your entitlement is UNREAL.

Unlike you, I didn’t finish school at 16, studied hard, got a degree from one of the best universities in the world and progressed to a professional career.

No siblings, no parental help on tap whatsoever, we are on our own and must pay for everything (including extortionate childcare) ourselves.

Time to grow up.

Just goes to show you can be educated at 'one of the best universities in the world' and still be so ignorant.

Original poster
AmesandKe · 19/04/2024 22:38

LordPercyPercy · 19/04/2024 22:21

As a fellow Scot, the general attitude of entitlement towards benefits in Scottish society is staggering.
OP why don't you look to retrain once both children are at school and progress your career? That would be a far better use of your mental energy.

What would I do about earning during that time? I need to earn money and be present for my kids.

SIL has a qualification (SCQF level 7 so first year of uni equivalent) and is still only making a little more than minimum wage ... would I really be better off?

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 19/04/2024 22:38

Just because you’re “not smart” doesn’t mean you’re entitled to have your family and the state support you for the rest of your days.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 19/04/2024 22:39

AmesandKe · 19/04/2024 22:36

Well I'm very happy for you and that you were able to do that.
I wasn't, and not everyone can. Someone will always have to staff the supermarket, wait tables and work in care homes!
The reality is I don't want a professional job, I like what I do. I like that when I leave work I don't have to do extra work on the evenings, I like that I can live rurally.
I'm not smart that's ok.

The next time your in the supermarket why don't you let the person serving you know that you think you are superior to them as you are so clever, maybe tell them to grow up to!

Show quote history

The reality is I don't want a professional job, I like what I do. I like that when I leave work I don't have to do extra work on the evenings, I like that I can live rurally.

Sorry, so what is the problem then?

If you're happy with what you've chosen for yourself, why do other people's lives bother you?