I increasingly resent my in-laws!

[AmesandKe]

I'll start with I know I can't do anything about this and I should be happy for them but it's hard.
DH and I have 2 kids, I work 28 hours a week, he works 40 hours. I'm on little above minimum wage, he makes £14 an hour. 2 years ago my parents were able to give us £10,000 we used this a deposit on a house. We are in Scotland so that was little less than 10%. We were in a council house before that, but the area was awful, we were planning to use MIL for childcare and our kids would have to share a small room, plus I don't like the idea of boy/girl siblings sharing.
Our house is fine, it's not modern at all, basic and tired but functional.

DSs sister lives in a council house. She struck gold and got a council house on a private development when she had her twins as that put her up to 3 kids and classed as overcrowded, it's beautiful the houses on the estate all sold for 220k for a 3 bed which is double what our house was! She works 14 hours a week, makes a little more an hour than I do. Her husband is a joiner for the council and makes 33k a year.
PIL are also in a council house.

Here's the issue, they seem to live a much better life than we do! They go on 3 holidays a year (yes usually it's haven and euro camp but still!), have a nice newish car on lease etc.
This is mainly as they still get UC, which covers their full rent and then some. Since we bought we no longer qualify for any UC and as such we also can't get the Scottish child payment!
To top it off, they have just installed a new kitchen and bathroom in the house, it was basic before, but still it was only 2 years old!!! I know her DH is a joiner and did all the fitting himself and his dad is a painter and decorated so helped. Now they are doing the same for PIL.
It's so frustrating, we thought we were doing the right thing buying but now we are worse off, work more, make less when benefits are added.

AIBU to be really resentful that they are able to do all this and we can't? It feels like the system is broken!

Maybe all jobs should pay enough that no one needs to live off the state then!
It's not like I don't work!!

Must be because she has twins.

@AmesandKe ok let’s leave education off the table.

you have in laws who have children. Your kids (presumably) have cousins to play with. My only child (and I’m an only child) has no such thing. I don’t want more kids (as I work 4 days in a demanding job and have no family support). Would love my son to have some cousins to play with.

seriously: count your blessings otherwise you’ll end up seriously embittered.

OP you have so much to be grateful for, maybe just try and focus on that.
You were gifted a deposit for your house, you will eventually own it and be able to pass it on to your kids, or sell up and move somewhere else if you like in the future. You work part time so have more time with your children when they are young, they have a bedroom each.

You need to let go of what your SIL has vs. what you have. It's just different. If your sister ends up with a horrible neighbour there won't be much she can do about it. There are so many people worse off than you.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm renting and will probably never be able to afford my own place, It's so difficult to save a deposit, and I wouldn't get enough of a mortgage as a single person, unless I wanted to live in a shed or something.

You own your house!!! Nothing beats that. You have to realise that they will always be reliant on this system due to rent, it may seem great now but when they retire and are on a pension, unless they have contributed to a private pension they will be struggling. You need to try and improve yours and your husbands incomes as the kids get older it will get easier - pay as much as you can down on the mortgage and contribute to any work pensions available. Then you will be doing better and better as you get older. The mortgage gets paid off, ou have good pensions and can enjoy holidays and relax! You are the ones with the aspirational lifestyle.

It’s weird that you’ve done that. Focus on your own life. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Your parents gave you a £10K deposit for a house and you have free childcare. From where I'm sitting you are looking pretty damned fortunate.

Maybe focus on the positives in your own life rather than comparing yourself to those on benefits.

A lot of us have had to work full-time and pay for extortionate childcare. You are doing neither.

You are way beyond unreasonable.
Count your blessings and stop with the comparisons and the jealousy it's eating you up.

OP, I think your last comment really hit the nail on the head: all jobs SHOULD pay enough full time to live off. It's totally reasonable to feel angry about that, and to feel angry that the government subsidises companies to pay less than the living wage and that screws people over because the line of when you can and can't claim has a big effect.

But it's not your in laws' fault. And feeling jealous and resentful of them is not good for your life and family relations. Try to keep the anger where it should be, if you can.

get more qualifications then.. Thats up to you.

Yes, I do think YABU. I bought in London as a single parent. Yes I was well below the bread line for over 10 years, until I stopped needing to pay childcare. I struggled financially for another 10 years, only holidays were taking a tent by public transport. Now though, mortgage is paid, and I am rent and mortgage free!

Obviously, people on benefits can have far more income than people paying a mortgage, it has always been like that. But it is a long game

@everydaywonderful how do I do that when I need to earn and have small children to care for?

You didn’t get qualifications and don’t want a mentally taxing role, but you want a higher salary. You didn’t save a deposit, you were gifted it, and still you’re moaning about all the free rent you’re missing out on. And you don’t pay for childcare, your MIL does it.

Stop moaning about how big your life raft is, and whether someone else had a better one, and just learn to swim a bit better.

you study when they are in bed. You clearly are able to use the internet. You need to find a way.

That doesn't necessarily make sense though, both SIL and her partner have qualifications but still use benefits?

This x 100 👏👏👏

Comparisons and jealousy will never get you the things you want or lead you to happiness. There will always be someone better off than you. Equally, there are more people much worse off than you can imagine. Practice gratitude op. That’s the only way you’ll ever be happy with what you have

@Time4achangeithink putting “one of the best universities in the world” in quotation marks suggests you think I may be lying about that.

I am not, so you can stand down.

OP: [moans] AIBU?
PPs: yeah, here’s how you might fix it.
OP: yeah, no, here’s why I can’t do that [moans].

what did you want from the thread, OP? Just some tea and sympathy?

Are you really using your sample of 1 person you know to suggest that getting qualifications is a waste of time?

Here’s another sample of 1. I have qualifications too OP, and I’ve never received benefits in my life. I was homeless at 16 too. Worked minimum wage waitressing until 2am each night then went to college all day. No parents on the scene flinging deposits my way. No council house. Went to uni, graduated, forged a career (starting with unpaid internships, relocating three times), paid my student loans, bought a house, paid for my wedding. Just passed my driving test (at nearly 40) because I could finally afford lessons. Next stop is the dentist, to fix my teeth, because I didn’t have the money to go for 20 years.

Stop bloody whining about the system being broken. If you want nice things go and earn them, like almost everyone else (just not the ones you know, clearly).

Honestly I'm surprised more people aren't outraged at in-laws situation.
The fact that they claim benefits while making over 40k between them, can holiday 3 times a year, including abroad, kids are always in nice clothes next/mayoral etc. have a newish 7 seater car etc.

Surely if you're on benefits you shouldn't be able to do all this?

@AmesandKe are you very young?

like, there are always unfairnesses in life. Their life doesn’t affect what you do. Why are you so envious? It’s taking energy you might be using to (I dunno, just thinking off the top of my head) get some qualifications and get a higher salary so you can increase the surface area of the already ginormous support raft atop which you’re so fortunate to sit?

I would give almost anything to be in my own house . I lost ours in my divorce and by then couldn't afford to get back on the ladder as we live in the south east. I earn 45k a year and will be saddled with paying private rent in an unsecured private tenancy for the rest of my life . That's &1k a month so will never be able to retire .

Whereas in 25 years you will own your home. You are extremely lucky.

Nah, I think everyone's out of outrage considering this whiny whinging thread is done at least once a week.

"Yeah but they're gettiiiiin benny fits! and it aint fairrrr!"

Yes I appreciate that, but they have a secure tenancy of a beautiful home (much nicer than mine) so it's not like they are in the same boat as you.