I increasingly resent my in-laws!

[AmesandKe]

I'll start with I know I can't do anything about this and I should be happy for them but it's hard.
DH and I have 2 kids, I work 28 hours a week, he works 40 hours. I'm on little above minimum wage, he makes £14 an hour. 2 years ago my parents were able to give us £10,000 we used this a deposit on a house. We are in Scotland so that was little less than 10%. We were in a council house before that, but the area was awful, we were planning to use MIL for childcare and our kids would have to share a small room, plus I don't like the idea of boy/girl siblings sharing.
Our house is fine, it's not modern at all, basic and tired but functional.

DSs sister lives in a council house. She struck gold and got a council house on a private development when she had her twins as that put her up to 3 kids and classed as overcrowded, it's beautiful the houses on the estate all sold for 220k for a 3 bed which is double what our house was! She works 14 hours a week, makes a little more an hour than I do. Her husband is a joiner for the council and makes 33k a year.
PIL are also in a council house.

Here's the issue, they seem to live a much better life than we do! They go on 3 holidays a year (yes usually it's haven and euro camp but still!), have a nice newish car on lease etc.
This is mainly as they still get UC, which covers their full rent and then some. Since we bought we no longer qualify for any UC and as such we also can't get the Scottish child payment!
To top it off, they have just installed a new kitchen and bathroom in the house, it was basic before, but still it was only 2 years old!!! I know her DH is a joiner and did all the fitting himself and his dad is a painter and decorated so helped. Now they are doing the same for PIL.
It's so frustrating, we thought we were doing the right thing buying but now we are worse off, work more, make less when benefits are added.

AIBU to be really resentful that they are able to do all this and we can't? It feels like the system is broken!

2.5k disposable.

what are you doing with your money OP?

that should be more than enough for an annual holiday and decent car.

Also, it’s not like your in-laws don’t work too!

Mortgage is £650, £400 on maintenance for DHs two older children, car payments, bus pass, debt etc.

@GKD sorry this was in reply to you

Presumably the in-laws aren’t paying £400pm on maintenance?

It sounds like their income is similar to yours but you made different choices in life and have more commitments.

Maybe downsize the car?

I assume your mortgage is over 5% interest then?

Maybe do a list of income/expenditure to see where you can cut costs or work £ better.

Do your in laws pay out £400 child maintenance …..that would be a nice holiday for you all each year….so you probs got more commitments then them

Humongous drip feed.

So debt and £400 maintenance, that's your issue.

And a car, try doing without a car

The £400 maintenance is a massive drip feed. You’re better off just being jealous of all women who got with men who didn’t already have children.

We need a car, DH starts as early as 4 and can finish after midnight, he wouldn't be able to get to or from work. @everydaywonderful

How far away does he work? Could he use a bicycle instead?

You knew about the £400 a month maintenance when you got together with this man and when you chose to buy a house with him. You got a massive leg-up from your parents to buy. If you want to improve your living standards, you need to do something about it. You could always go full-time at work. You could undertake some further education to improve your job prospects And don't say you can't because of your children - I did a MSc with 3 kids, youngest 10 months when I started, and not long back working FT after my maternity leave.

Don't let your jealousy consume you! It's not your IL's fault that you are with a man who has to pay for his kids from a previous relationship!

How many cars do you have and can you downsize it?

How much is it + ins + tax + petrol per month?

They'll have nothing to leave their kids, so I'd say you're more likely to be the winners long term.

Would you sleep better if they lost all their benefits suddenly? Would that stop the relentless obsession and resentment? You must realise it’s not a healthy way to spend your time. Please be careful your children don’t pick up on this, it’s a hard habit to break as you well know.

As I high earner who is paying for this party i find it incredibly annoying that your SIL is working only 14 hours and still gets benefits and a council house🙄
Its alright for some!
whereas I work 50-60 hours a week or more so that she can afford to work here and there.
ridiculous.

it is sad that you aspire not to earn more yourself (as in, sad that your employers only pay you not much and you can’t really expect them to pay you better) and instead you are essentially forced to envy someone on benefits.

So you chose to have two children with a man who earns £14 an hour when he's already paying £400 a month for two other children?

That's not your sister's fault; you've just made terrible life choices.

You own your own home which you got financial support with, you get free childcare, and you work part time to be with your children - you’re very lucky.. I don’t really get why you’re so concerned with what other people are doing?

I’ve never had to think about going to the council which is fortunate despite not being handed anything (like a deposit for a house or free childcare) however I do think that the system is there for a reason - for people in need, yes it may be broken some of the time caused by people abusing it and maybe your in-law’s are doing well from it but I’m happy to pay tax to support people who genuinely need the help. You were in the fortunate position to not need council support or housing. You will have an asset that will rise in value giving you equity and you’ll pay off your mortgage..

If you want more money to do ‘fun’ things then get yourself out of debt, get your partner to have an equal share of his children and increase your hours at work.

So......you chose to have two kids with a partner who already had kids and a maintenance liability but assume he's the one and you wanted two kids. You bought a house with a gifted deposit, which is functional just not fancy because you wanted a house and a nicer area. You work a job you like with limited hours on minimum wage which you have no intention of changing so this is the career path you wanted. You live rurally where you are dependant on funding a car but you like the area so this is what you wanted.
So in short you have already got everything you wanted?? Your complaint is that your lifestyle isn't more flashy and you don't have more disposable income. But you chose that path, so no point comparing to others who made different choices.

Thinking this way will only get you down. It’s natural and we all do it sometimes but you are not comparing like for like. You can never know all the details. We all make our own decisions in life the best we can with what we know at the time. It’s ok to have doubts with your decision to buy the house was for the best in retrospect but also perhaps look at it again - You like the area much better? Perhaps it does need a little doing up but that could be fun? This house you will own outright eventually, a council house will never be yours, you are always tenant. The advantages of this may not be immediately apparent but they can be huge. The way the UK is going politically, I think you made the right choice frankly.

The reality is that both of you sound like you have quite amazingly lucky positions - to even have the option of a council place suitable for a family is very rare these days. You certainly wouldn’t qualify where I live from the sounds of the finances. To have free childcare, a grandparent both able a willing, that is also incredibly lucky. To have healthy, happy children…. I could go on but you get the picture!

One day you will own that house and will be able to pass it to your kids

they wont

in a few years, you can remortgage and you will be better off than now

its about the long game

It's perfectly natural to want more and feel a need for justice. However, the world is not a meritocracy and these feelings of jealousy are supposed to prompt you to do more so as to get more. Instead, you're stuck in an obsessive loop over what others have and you don't. This doesn't lead to anything good.

I feel your frustration. The system is working as designed, it's not broken. Why bother working all hours God sends and paying taxes into a system that ultimately doesn't benefit you? The usual answer I hear is "because we're a social contract society".

You have to take responsibility for your own life choices. You have chosen not to get any further qualifications, you don't want a more taxing job you've chosen to have children with a man who earns a low wage and already has two children to support. These are all choices you made so yes you have to live by them. Your kids will get older and then perhaps one of you can look into retraining etc. to better your prospects. One day you will own your own home, that's security for your children. If I was them rather than having 3 holidays a year I'd be putting the money away for the kids futures be it to pay for driving lessons, future deposit or towards uni fees or other support but everyone has their own way of thinking. Let it go.

I didn't get gifted a house deposit, I worked hard to earn mine myself making lots of sacrifices along the way. I don't have help with childcare, we used nursery and work around each other. I could be bitter about the fact that you have these things and I don't but I fail to see the point? Focus on your own family otherwise you'll end up bitter and that will sour family relations.

I understand the envy OP. I have alot in life but find myself jealous of others - SAHM, those with little or no mortgage, people with partners who do 50% of the load etc etc. But it will destroy us. It never changes your own situation. Try and step back and see what you have. Good luck.