I increasingly resent my in-laws!

[AmesandKe]

I'll start with I know I can't do anything about this and I should be happy for them but it's hard.
DH and I have 2 kids, I work 28 hours a week, he works 40 hours. I'm on little above minimum wage, he makes £14 an hour. 2 years ago my parents were able to give us £10,000 we used this a deposit on a house. We are in Scotland so that was little less than 10%. We were in a council house before that, but the area was awful, we were planning to use MIL for childcare and our kids would have to share a small room, plus I don't like the idea of boy/girl siblings sharing.
Our house is fine, it's not modern at all, basic and tired but functional.

DSs sister lives in a council house. She struck gold and got a council house on a private development when she had her twins as that put her up to 3 kids and classed as overcrowded, it's beautiful the houses on the estate all sold for 220k for a 3 bed which is double what our house was! She works 14 hours a week, makes a little more an hour than I do. Her husband is a joiner for the council and makes 33k a year.
PIL are also in a council house.

Here's the issue, they seem to live a much better life than we do! They go on 3 holidays a year (yes usually it's haven and euro camp but still!), have a nice newish car on lease etc.
This is mainly as they still get UC, which covers their full rent and then some. Since we bought we no longer qualify for any UC and as such we also can't get the Scottish child payment!
To top it off, they have just installed a new kitchen and bathroom in the house, it was basic before, but still it was only 2 years old!!! I know her DH is a joiner and did all the fitting himself and his dad is a painter and decorated so helped. Now they are doing the same for PIL.
It's so frustrating, we thought we were doing the right thing buying but now we are worse off, work more, make less when benefits are added.

AIBU to be really resentful that they are able to do all this and we can't? It feels like the system is broken!

Just an interesting point for everyone who wants OP to up-skill.

I'm a Classroom Assistant/TA, I work 30 hours a week (maximum offered in primary schools at my local council). My partner is an electrician. We have triplets and we get £300ish a month from UC. That's even including that i technically make 16p/h (though as i get paid over all the school holidays on a salaried basis my earnings each month are around £1500 before tax.
We are also in Scotland so get the Scottish Child Payment too.

People could say we need to up-skill to get off benefits too, but really what happens when there are no more classroom assistants/early years workers etc. as everyone has up-skilled?

Once my kids are a little older I intend to go back to working in a year round nursery like I used to do, and this will bring us off benefits. But as it would take us off benefits, I'd be left scrambling in the summer for childcare so currently not worth it.

Perhaps OP you could look at climbing the ladder where you currently work, get a team leader/managerial role and go from there?

For some people you are better off in council but long term it isn't always the case. Council housing is hard to get too so I can see the reluctance to move. Long term you won't be paying any rent or mortgage in how ever many years so it does save long term.

Sounds like you just want to benefit bash tbh

Yes, they have a secure tenancy in a nice area, but you have a mortgaged house.
Be proud of yourself instead of resentful.
Life may seem unfair now, but when their kids grow up and leave and the benefits stop they may have to move out of their house, (if the rules are the same in Scotland), while you will still have your house, and the equity in it.
The same as when you retire. Hopefully your mortgage will be paid by then.
Your in laws may still be paying council rent and living in a smaller place.

Your career choices have given you time, flexibility, and work/life balance. Other people may earn more, but often they sacrifice these factors. Other choices are valid too but nobody gets everything.

Your choice to get a mortgage gives you long term security and flexibility. That’s golden!

Relying on benefits and council housing locks people into the present moment, and a mindset of short term gratification. As a pp has noted, some of your sil’s income will disappear in time.

You’ve put yourself on a different track, sacrificing the present moment for long term goals - instead of holidays and extra debt on new cars, you’re building, drip by drip a future where you’ll have equity, maybe a pension. I grew up in this mindset, and would always choose the older car, the shabbier house in the nicer neighbourhood, etc over the flashy new status symbol. But it’s harder if you’re surrounded by people who are living for the moment.

Neither is really right or wrong. This isn’t school where there’s a gold star for being good. You just have to figure out what your values are and work with them.

Practice wishing your relatives well - metta meditation (google it) is a really healthy thing to practice. Right now you’re poisoning your good life with jealousy, resentment and judgement. It’s not that I don’t understand your feelings, but they’re hurting you. You’re doing really, really well in the game of life.

Just as you’ve chosen home ownership, you can also make choices to cultivate a healthy growth mindset. It isn’t a momentary thing - I used the word practice above because attitude takes practice. But it pays dividends.

Here’s what I’d be in in your situation: “Weren’t they lucky getting that council houses in a great area? I’m so happy for them!”

It really isn’t important what everyone else does or doesn’t do, I can’t imagine why you think the only way to improve your life is to get more benefits! Surely YOU should be responsible for making changes why should handouts be the answer?

You don’t know whether benefits and council houses will be available long term. First world countries and UK specifically can’t really afford a lot of what was previously offered by welfare state. In 10 years time you may be in much more secure place than those who rely on benefits to live instead of working.

My neighbours rent a council house. We live in a pleasant suburban area, nice schools, access to parks and countryside. The mum has trained to be a primary teacher, from a position of having no qualifications - it’s taken her about ten years, but she’s fit it round her kids. They have a lovely house, have recently built a summerhouse in the back garden, have a couple of cheap holidays a year.

Originally, it was their parents who had the council tenancy. They pretended to split up and moved the family now living there in, supposedly with the original mum still living there. Original mum moved out(reconciled with husband she had never really left) leaving her daughter and her family behind.

For many years, neighbours were better off than we were (teacher on lowest pay scale plus part time shop worker) but I wasn’t resentful. We had borrowed money off our parents to get a deposit and were paying about four times our neighbours rent for the mortgage on an identical property. They are lovely people and I was glad the rules had been bent a little to get them moved out from a really rough area and give them all better opportunities moving forward.

I save my resentment for people born with a silver spoon in their mouths who use their privilege to lay waste to public services.

I agree, it's very frustrating. But the OP benefitted from this system before, and now it doesn't serve her anymore she's bitching about the unfairness of it.

A family friend has recently moved into a lovely new build council house with her kids. She's a lovely person, but it's a bit galling that she hasn't worked in years (even after her kids went to school) and is given a shiny new house for very low rent. I'm sure her neighbours who are scraping by to pay their mortgage would be delighted.

Some of us will never qualify for council anything, and were brought up to strive to buy our own place, not wait for the government to just give us a house.

I studied for my degree with the OU in the evenings when my kids were in bed. Admittedly, I didn't go to one of the best universities in the world but I worked my socks off and it was worth it.

I hear you OP. YANBU to feel resentful but direct it towards the system rather than your in laws who aren’t doing anything wrong. A really good council house with a secure tenancy is like hitting the jackpot in terms of housing.

I get that not all social housing provides a lovely place to live, but those that do get new housing somewhere lovely are incredibly lucky. It is a huge luxury to know you have secure housing for the rest of your life at the same time as knowing you never have to worry about paying for broken boilers, buildings insurance or replacing things like windows or the roof when they eventually need it.

Ok so the system as it stands isn’t perfect but you can’t resent people who claim what they are entitled to and are lucky to get a HA house in a nice area.

In reality if you had had a rented house in a nicer area would you not have been tempted to stay there rather than buying? It doesn’t sound like your inlaws could have afforded to buy a house in the area they are in currently living with a £10,000 deposit anyway.

At the moment they have a financial advantage however as PP’s have said in the future they will be disadvantaged compared to you- the child related payments will stop, they’ll still be paying rent (and eventually bedroom tax) etc etc whilst you will own your home.

You can't spend your life being resentful of what other people have or haven't, OP - that way lies madness.

All you can do is to concentrate on the here and now and try to improve things, also be thankful for what you do have. You were given a deposit for a house - how many people would be over the moon to have that, without any other help?

You will eventually have a paid-off house and flexibility to move if you wish. How much flexibility will there be in Council housing in the future? Probably not much, as regulations may change, getting exchanges may become harder - council houses in most of England are rarer than hen's teeth anyway.

Based on your description I think that you are the wealthiest of the couples. If you add all of their money together it’s going to come out as very little (less than 16k savings if they’re on benefits, a loan on the car). Where as if you do yours it’ll be pretty decent (house minus mortgage).

What you’re comparing is disposable income - how much you’ve got left for fun stuff at the end of the month. This is actually pretty easy to increase if you work on it. Some suggestions are:

• ask your work about whether you can progress into a supervisor or manager role. Ask for training and feedback to help you do that. Store managers are pretty well paid for supermarkets.
• get your partner to ask for a pay rise at his next review.
• Look at your house and see if there is anything that will reduce your bills longer term. Heat exchanger boilers, loft insulation and solar panels. Things like that. See if your electric company will part fund them or have any grants or anything.
• Look at stuff outside the box. Can you rent your drive out etc?
• Time will help a lot with this with your family. Once the children need less looking after you’ll be able to work more hours.

The biggest way that homeowners can increase their disposable income is to get mortgage free. So over the next few years any time you have spare money use it to pay off the mortgage. Each time you overpay on the mortgage it reduces the term and how much interest you pay over the lifetime of the mortgage which makes a huge difference.

you need to look further than now OP ….we struggled with 3 little ones and low wages…..then the kids got older….i was able to further my career ….my mortgage was paid at 48 ….I’m 59 now and life is good….no major money worries….no rent to pay …..life changes….your kids will grow….the house will be paid off

What a sense of entitlement for some people. This has to be a wind up - OP never posted on any other topics. Whinge Whinge Whinge, Moan, Moan, Moan.

Unfortunately, your situation is entirely of your own making and down to your own life choices.

You gave up a secure tenancy and bought a house.

You married a man who only earns a little over miniumum wage, whereas your sister's husband is a skilled tradesman.

You had two kids when neither you or your husband had a well-enough paying job to support them.

You have no qualifications, and could have gone back to study and improved your job chances, but you don't want a decent job because you don't want to have to work so much.

You could have made the same choices as other people if you wanted a better life. You didn't.

Yes, you're being U. You could change all of this - well probably not now, beacuse you're saddled with a low-income relationship, two kids and a mortgage and you're stuck in a financial trap - but you chose not to.

My DD had a lovely new build social housing property on a new estate and was paying 320 a month ( NW) when she bought a house a few years ago….things have been tight ….but kids are 9 and 5 now….partner is earning more….able to pay off chunks of mortgage….she’s 30 now and plans to be mortgage free in her 40s….she thought long and hard about giving up her tenancy ….but , long term, its the right choice for her and her family

OU is one of the best universities in the world imo

No two families are in the same situation. You were offered a deposit and because you were living in a bad area, it was the right decision for you to take it and buy a home. Presumably if you compare your current living situation with your previous one things are better for you now? You have more room, a nicer area for your dc to grow up in. That peace of mind is worth a lot, rather than living with the uncertainty of hoping for a house swap (for goodness knows how long).

It's only when you compare yourself with others that it looks less favourable.

Your SIL was very fortunate to get a secure tenancy in a nice house in a nice area. Would that have happened if she hadn't had twins? Her decision not to accept money for a deposit might have been the right one for her. But who knows for the future? In time to come she might wish she'd been able to make a different decision and get on the property ladder.

OP I think it’s great that you have made a long term choice for yours and your children’s future. Many people run their lives on the sniff of an oily rag when the kids are young — but one day you’ll have a mortgage free house and an asset to pass on, whereas your SIL will have to spend other people’s money to continue to be eligible for benefits and her kids will one day have sweet nothing. Cars depreciate, houses don’t. Soon you’ll be able to take on more hours, might be able to upskill (you may not want to now when shattered with young kids, but as time marches on it’s important to keep your brain active!), and in the long term your life will be better and richer. You are giving yourself choices. Be happy with that.

There’s so much you could do to supplement your income OP, you don’t have to be the brain of Britain to do so. You could train in hairdressing or nails and freelance WFH or in clients’ homes, working around your kids.

Focus your attention on your own lack of ambition, rather than what other people have.

You and your husband are making over 40k a year, OK bit under 40k after tax and NI but still OK, do you get child benefit? You have free childcare and your mortgage can't be that high if you only borrowed 100K.

If I were you I'd go on money saving expert, put up your incomings and outgoings and get some advice as I really think you should be able to afford most of the stuff you are talking about.

I mean this in a positive way as you sound very down but you really aren't in a bad position.