I increasingly resent my in-laws!

[AmesandKe]

I'll start with I know I can't do anything about this and I should be happy for them but it's hard.
DH and I have 2 kids, I work 28 hours a week, he works 40 hours. I'm on little above minimum wage, he makes £14 an hour. 2 years ago my parents were able to give us £10,000 we used this a deposit on a house. We are in Scotland so that was little less than 10%. We were in a council house before that, but the area was awful, we were planning to use MIL for childcare and our kids would have to share a small room, plus I don't like the idea of boy/girl siblings sharing.
Our house is fine, it's not modern at all, basic and tired but functional.

DSs sister lives in a council house. She struck gold and got a council house on a private development when she had her twins as that put her up to 3 kids and classed as overcrowded, it's beautiful the houses on the estate all sold for 220k for a 3 bed which is double what our house was! She works 14 hours a week, makes a little more an hour than I do. Her husband is a joiner for the council and makes 33k a year.
PIL are also in a council house.

Here's the issue, they seem to live a much better life than we do! They go on 3 holidays a year (yes usually it's haven and euro camp but still!), have a nice newish car on lease etc.
This is mainly as they still get UC, which covers their full rent and then some. Since we bought we no longer qualify for any UC and as such we also can't get the Scottish child payment!
To top it off, they have just installed a new kitchen and bathroom in the house, it was basic before, but still it was only 2 years old!!! I know her DH is a joiner and did all the fitting himself and his dad is a painter and decorated so helped. Now they are doing the same for PIL.
It's so frustrating, we thought we were doing the right thing buying but now we are worse off, work more, make less when benefits are added.

AIBU to be really resentful that they are able to do all this and we can't? It feels like the system is broken!

Life is not fair. That being said, you have to play the hand you’re dealt. If you’re happy where you are, then live happy. If you’re not happy with what you have, figure out a way to grow and change. Do not spend energy worrying and comparing yourself to someone else. That is unproductive and a waste of your time.

Its really hard, but you must stay focused on your own future, and stop comparing.

I say this from experience, as my husband and I worked for a relative pittance for years as public sector professionals while training. Eventually we got financial security. Despite earning reasonable salaries eventually, we never really had enough to splash out.

Then terrible things befell my children health-wise and I stopped worrying about all that nonsense.

I'm just grateful my kids and husband are alive.

I'm not telling you off by the way. I felt the same for years, I think it's natural. But life does get easier financially over the years. Enjoy your time with your little ones.

[Flowers]

The pros and cons of renting v mortgage. Was just discussing this earlier and owning your own home far surpasses paying rent forever. One day the mortgage comes to an end so more 'rent' and it's a collateral and financial asset, something for your children to inherit. We worked out if we had been paying rent we would've been paying at least twice the amount of mortgage for all of these years. If you can afford the initial costs for owning then it really is a no brainer. If you're lucky enough to get rent paid for by UC I guess that's different, why would anyone move to mortgage? As we've both always worked we just expected to pay for what we have, including getting on the housing ladder. Xx

Agree. I also have in-laws who have just lived off benefits and seem to afford more than I can. That's today, in years to come, pensions, having the asset of owning your own home, the pride in doing all of this. I did used to feel a bit peeved they got free money, free modern house, free everything really while I worked and continue to work hard. We have a lovely home, savings, money and assets to leave to our DC, they live week to week, get into debt, that envy has gone. Xx

When the kids are older you could do an apprenticeship and get paid to upskill. I’m currently doing a Level 7 Apprenticeship whilst working full time, my 4 DC are between 8-16 yo. I done a Level 3 and finished during Covid this has increased my earning power and enabled promotion. Just letting you know there is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to be prepared to do the work OP x

I was on less than 14k and my husband on roughly the same as this husband and we barely got anything, certainly not every month if my husband did overtime

@IAmMam

Ok but she's making closer to half of 14k and able to claim for all 3 children. I'm not sure what your point is?

Apologies, for some reason I read it as she earned 14k,

she has twins though, far more expensive than two children one after another

You both need to retrain/gain extra qualifications and get better paying jobs if you want things to change.

What a lot of time to waste on envy and resentment. Please don't let this state of mind define who you are OP. Make the very best of life, home & family every day. I know much better off people than myself, but it's the ones who are dealing with real problems that make me aware of how fragile life can be.

Your family spends almost £5,000 per year on child maintenance, which would easily pay for a nice annual holiday

So basically. You chose a partner with extra / different spending commitments.

Why are you so obsessed by them? You can't do anything to reduce the amount of support they get, and while I can see it's galling, there's no point in wasting your energy on this!

I could be bitter in work that people far less able and far less qualified than me have been promoted to high level roles, and to some extent I still am, but I have to let it go for the sake of my own mental health. I tell myself that at least I still have my personal integrity, which others seem to lose in our organisation the minute they're appointed to a higher level role!

You need to make the best of your own life. You got out of the house in the horrible area. That's a win. You can do up the house you bought. If you want to, you can work to improve your employability. You have security of tenure unless you lose your jobs, and one day, the mortgage will be paid and you won't still be paying rent!

Why are you envious of their council property when you gave up yours?
Why are you resentful of PIL’s council property given MIL very kindly saves you a lot of money in childcare?
Why don’t you appreciate the large sum of money you were gifted to buy your own property?
Why don’t you calculate how much in childcare MIL has saved you?

You have a lot to be thankful for and you’re stewing in envy and bitterness which will only affect you.
Let it go, live your life and enjoy your life!

When you have paid off your mortgage, you will have a house that you don't have to pay rent for and which you can sell if you want to downsize, with possibly some capital left over to spend.

Those who rent will be responsible for paying rent for ever. I don't think you should begrudge them doing up their homes, especially as some of the work was done by themselves.

@AmesandKe this is exactly why you can't have 'nice' things! Your husband is paying for his 1st set of kids it's nothing to do with the benefits system not playing fair! Wait till the step kids are older and the mortgage is clear and you will be laughing.

You sound obsessed.

OP I get the impression that you don’t necessarily want to improve your lot, instead you want what they have taken away from them.

Thats a really bitter way to be. And quite nasty. Crabs in a barrel.

With twins is it even worth Dsis working as the childcare would be astronomical. Maybe she’s working PT a year or 2, keeping her hand in so she can hit the ground running later.

There’s nothing stopping you from reducing your hours, is your income even that different?

It sounds as if your commitments and expenditure are the issue.

At the end of it you'll probably have around 160k asset depending on inflation to either use in retirement if you downsize, or to leave to your children.
People in council houses will have nothing at the end of it.

Are you resentful that they are getting benefits or that you are not getting benefits? Or just complaining that they have a "better" life than you? There will always be people better and worse off than you, some deservedly so and some through chance.

You need to concentrate on your own family. You are eaten up with jealousy. Not good for you at all.

This.
You will own your home and hopefully there will be some equity in it when you die and you can leave your dc a few bob to help them.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Honestly, your entitlement is disgusting, and you need to learn life isn’t fair. I left home at 16 with no qualifications, abusive parents so not a single penny of help or even emotional or practical support, started working as a cleaner in a hotel for minimum wage and slowly over the years worked hard to build a career. I’ve not had kids so had to fund myself entirely, I still can’t afford to buy a house and there’s no council houses for me, nice or shitty, because I didn’t think I should have kids I can’t afford to support. I’m proud that everything I have now I worked for, so yeah, forgive me for not feeling even remotely sorry for you.

You will have something to leave your children. This has been very important to me.m

We're in a similar situation. Bought our house years ago, we're on tax credits but when that ends we'll be left £1000 a month down, he's on an ok ish wage and I'm the main childcare for four children, £1000 a month wouldn't even cover that if I went to work! We've got equity in the house so we're screwed for UC but not enough to make a substantial difference to anything, His brother and sister both get over £1500 a month UC, both live in council and both drive a newer car than us, sister in vegas at minute and I know brother has 4 more holidays booked!
Fighting to get ahead doesn't get you anywhere.