I increasingly resent my in-laws!

[AmesandKe]

I'll start with I know I can't do anything about this and I should be happy for them but it's hard.
DH and I have 2 kids, I work 28 hours a week, he works 40 hours. I'm on little above minimum wage, he makes £14 an hour. 2 years ago my parents were able to give us £10,000 we used this a deposit on a house. We are in Scotland so that was little less than 10%. We were in a council house before that, but the area was awful, we were planning to use MIL for childcare and our kids would have to share a small room, plus I don't like the idea of boy/girl siblings sharing.
Our house is fine, it's not modern at all, basic and tired but functional.

DSs sister lives in a council house. She struck gold and got a council house on a private development when she had her twins as that put her up to 3 kids and classed as overcrowded, it's beautiful the houses on the estate all sold for 220k for a 3 bed which is double what our house was! She works 14 hours a week, makes a little more an hour than I do. Her husband is a joiner for the council and makes 33k a year.
PIL are also in a council house.

Here's the issue, they seem to live a much better life than we do! They go on 3 holidays a year (yes usually it's haven and euro camp but still!), have a nice newish car on lease etc.
This is mainly as they still get UC, which covers their full rent and then some. Since we bought we no longer qualify for any UC and as such we also can't get the Scottish child payment!
To top it off, they have just installed a new kitchen and bathroom in the house, it was basic before, but still it was only 2 years old!!! I know her DH is a joiner and did all the fitting himself and his dad is a painter and decorated so helped. Now they are doing the same for PIL.
It's so frustrating, we thought we were doing the right thing buying but now we are worse off, work more, make less when benefits are added.

AIBU to be really resentful that they are able to do all this and we can't? It feels like the system is broken!

I'm in Scotland too. I am not in your situation but totally see why that would be very frustrating. It's seems to be once you qualify for one thing you quality for everything and are regularly given one off payments as well. It's no wonder people abuse the benefit system, the incentive to work and own your own home isn't there for many.

@AmesandKe you need to focus your bitterness and anger elsewhere. It's not your SIL's fault that they have a nicer house or whatever.

If you're pissed off about the financial pressure for people of working age then get involved in politics, vote etc but looking up how much housing help they get and whining about their better house is not a good look especially when you've had a lot of help yourself.

Actually I am not outraged that your SIL can afford holidays etc when they have top up benefits. I'm not a fan of a race to the bottom and think everybody is entitled to a decent standard of living.
Why don't you want everyone's lifestyle to be better instead of wanting to trash hers out of jealousy? Why do we in this country seem to want everyone struggling unless we decide they've earned their nice things in a way we approve of.

I mean you're even pissed off that having twins means they bypass the two child rules.

How about campaigning against the rule instead because it's a disgusting policy designed to control and judge families. They love people like you, moaning about their friends and neighbours instead of the government and super rich who are fucking us all over.

You're right to be pissed off about the way this country works but turn it towards people making the policies and maintaining an unfair economic system.

Always baffles me when people come on these threads and say 'I'm much cleverer than you I'd never have done this'.

OP the grass isn't always greener. They've probably got a ton of debt. You're playing a long game, soon house prices will rise and you'll be able to move onwards and upwards.

I have no sympathy for you. Yes you need to tighten your belt at the moment but you have your own house and therefore will be mortgage free once you’ve paid it off. Stop complaining. You know how to better your circumstances but opt not to, that’s your choice. Stop comparing your families lifestyles. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Threads like this are proof that benefit culture is out of control!

OP admits that she has no ambition to work on anything other than a low paid, non-taxing job in a rural area presumably without many other job opportunities. She is however angry that she doesn't automatically qualify for a £200k house and 3 holidays like other members of her family who are also on benefits. When asked why she doesn't work harder and find a better paying job, she is angry that this would even be suggested. What the hell has happened to people?

OP, you don't need to be super smart to better yourself! Most of the people from school that I know that made good money were in fact academically average but they learnt a skill or trade and worked really hard to establish themselves. You have absolutely no interest in doing this and just want everything handed to you on a plate by the tax payer. When this hasn't happened you have come on a public forum and moaned to a load of tax payers about your hard luck! Sorry but I have absolutely no sympathy whatsoever.

@Sugargliderwombat I don't think that at all, I was just pointing out how much value a lifetime tenancy can have. It was probably a bit of a knee jerk reaction because I don't like posts moaning about others claiming benefits and have explained why in a later post.

I wish everyone who wanted/needed social housing could get it. I think it's a fantastic asset to haves

Surely the point of benefits is so kids are clothed, fed, have a roof over their head and, ideally, a few nice extras?

There’s nothing wrong with Next, my kids are mostly in supermarket stuff, but it’s hardly a designer label. Perhaps she shops the sales, or Vinted/charity shops/marketplace? You could do the same. Would you prefer your in-laws clothe the kids in rags and need the food bank to feed them?

With three kids in car seats a seven seater is likely needed - very few five seaters fit three seats safely and sleepy villages don’t tend to be well served by public transport. I imagine if it’s newish it’s on finance.

As for the holidays - nope I don’t resent people on benefits having a nice break. It sounds like one or both of them are savvy shoppers and excellent at budget management. Maybe you could ask them to help you on those fronts so you too can have a haven holiday?

Agree. And don't forget they may be wishing they owned a home like you, so that they didn't have to pay rent forever

Yes, yabu.

Your bil is a joiner. He's worked to gain skills and is using those skills to improve his family's lot. Why don't you go back to college? If you left at 16 you will be eligible. Gain some skills and get a better job.

Why is your house tired? I'm a single mum with an old house on a mortgage but I've taught myself painting & decorating. Basic plastering. Curtain making too. I've redecorated the whole house over the years. Our house is now lovely, light and colourful. This summer I am repointing the north facing wall and then painting the outside of the house.

Sitting around being envious gets you nowhere. You have a home, so roll your sleeves up and get started. It's actually a joyous thing to do, once you get going. 🤗

And if you don't want to - either you just can't be bothered or you are happy as things are. You can't have it both ways. Stop expecting things to be handed to you on a plate.

So you like your job, you like your life. But you're bitter that someone else also likes their life. You think they have something you don't have but don't see that you have something they don't have. That you have lots of things, lots of people don't have.

You just sound bitter and resentful and honestly comparison is a thief of joy. You will just make yourself and the people around you miserable.

You utilise cheap childcare after school / nursery and you work in the evenings.
My day starts at 6am and finishes at about 10pm. I'm in the type of professional job you talk about as not wanting and look after two kids and a house.

Everyone has to make sacrifices. If you are happy with your choices, that's OK. But then you have to remind yourself when you see what your SIL has that you made your choices not to work late and take on extra pressure.

Have you considered doing some sort of night course to get yourself some skills in something that interests you and then trying to get yourself a better paying job?

I understand we're your coming from . You're struggling with the cost of owning your home while your family seem to be better off because they get benefits.
There will come a point when you are mortgage free , while they still pay rent and the benefits will reduce as the children become adults.
You need to let the resentment go and look at all the positive things in your life.

Sounds like they get UC?

Loads of qualified ppl from nurses to solicitors and everything inbetween do because wages are too low.

You need to either check your entitlements, work more hours or change your situation to match theirs.

It is possible they just manage their money better…

The child element of UC does not last forever and many people forget that. Whilst now it might be tough and things are harder you might actually be in a more fortunate position when your children are older. Look at the bigger picture and start thinking now about what you want to do career wise when childcare isn't such a restriction. Start getting things in place.

It's a waiting game op.

In 18 years time you'll be close to paying off a mortgage and owning your own home. Your dc will be off doing their own stuff. Your monthly wages will be more as you work more hours.

Your SIL will still have to pay rent, but UC will be a lot lower because her dc are off doing their own stuff too. She will also have to up her hours or she won't have enough income coming in to cover bills etc. also will they still be able to live in the house with it only being the two of them?

No that's a good point. I think SIL will continue to be ok (qualified as a nursery teacher) so can go back to working full time whenever she's ready, but I guess they are just in a more fortunate position than I am!

Also it speaks volumes that they were offered the deposit for a house and decided to stay in council instead!

Yabu for focusing on what others have and not on your own situation.

I studied while working and as a single mum to improve our financial circumstances, it was really tough but now we have financial security and a better quality of life.

I know people who prioritised other things and made different choices, for example being at home more for their kids, absolutely fine BUT it boils my blood when people say 'you're so lucky...' when I've actually just made different choices and worked bloody hard.

You have those options, it's fine if it's not for you but to feel resentment for others while not wanting to change your own situation is a waste of energy

"Comparison is the theft of joy " leapt to mind on reading your post .
Everyone's life is different don't let this envy colour your life nor the relationships.

You can claim universal credit if you own your own home

Also, you must get child benefit?

In which case you are a benefit recipient too?

Maybe it’s worth going through your finances with a financial advisor to see where you can save money.

Some family members have wondered how we afford what we do (we don’t get any benefits at all), and it’s largely because of how/where we spend our money and finding bargains.

What do you actually want @AmesandKe

More money from the government ?
A better house?
A dad that helps you?
A husband that earns more and is handy?

Well you’re not getting any of the above are you, but there are things within your own control you could improve but instead you’d rather focus on your bitterness which will only make your life worse.

Also I’m sure you posted before about your jealousy towards your inlaws. Just get over it it’s very odd!

Also it speaks volumes that they were offered the deposit for a house and decided to stay in council instead!

What does it say to you?

I mean, you both earn pretty much minimum wage and have no desire / intention to upskill to get better paid jobs. Then you moan that minimum wage = minimum lifestyle. Get real!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all - the current system seems utterly bonkers to me. My sister and husband has a mortgage - they have to be really careful with money as have two young children and childcare costs are nuts. They both work.

Next door is a council house - they’ve just put in new kitchen / bathroom and redecorated whole house. Have a brand new car etc. he’s a self employed plumber - she doesn’t work. Their kids are adults. She’s never been eligible for a council house as they both work full time.

it’s so hard not to get jealous - I totally get it.