to think my boyfriend is being unreasonable to expect me to pay for new furniture when I move in with him?

[ScofieldMs]

My boyfriend has a flat that’s rented from a family member so his rent is about half the market value and when I move in, we will split it, so I am very fortunate to be getting very cheap rent for the place I’ll be living in! He spent about 7k to decorate and furnish it when he moved in though as he was left with it left how the last tenants left it and it was the agreement he had with his family. He likes a lot of space when sleeping and has said we will need a bigger bed (I admit I’m a bit of a roller in the night and can end up basically on him and he isn’t a fan of being super close when sleeping etc etc but that’s a whole different thing) so we will need a bigger bed and he has basically said I can pay for it. I assumed we would go 50/50? We will also need some more stuff for the kitchen and bedroom storage and honestly a bigger sofa as he has a 2 seater and it’s really not great for 2 people cuddling or whatever. He has said yeah that’s fine as long as I fund it. Surely it should be 50/50? He says he spent a lot furnishing it when he moved there and then to get new stuff his original stuff will be going and so seems fair that’s my contribution, especially as everywhere else is “already furnished for me” so he’s kind of acting like it’s quite lucky those are the only expenses I have to pay although to be honest, I don’t see it as that lucky as surely you’d have split everything so me paying solo for a bed, bedroom storage and even a sofa is going to end up probably the same as going half on everything anyway! Am I being unfair here? I think he wants me to have a contribution to moving in but I’ll obviously be splitting the rent and bills. Also, is the fact I’m getting cheap rent really something I should also be feeling like his family is doing me a favour? I definitely see it that way, I’m not trying to be ungrateful at all but he has also said “you’re getting cheap rent too, so it’s only fair” but he’s also getting cheap rent? I’m just paying half what his rent is! As I say, I might be sounding a bit harsh about him right now as I am a bit annoyed but I can’t tell if it’s unreasonable for me to have to solo buy those things in this specific scenario?

My ex tried to pull shit like this.

That's why he's an ex.

YANBU.

Hes already bought everything, you want bigger things so you buy them? I don't think he is being unreasonable.

Well, he is showing you his values, and they may not be compatible with yours..... maybe he is not for you.

If the stuff being replaced is a preference thing and one person is happy with those items then the person who wants to change them foots the bill. If it’s something you both want to change then you split the cost.

Yeah but bigger things for US. Of course if I wanted a makeup table or extra bits for myself, I’d buy them but those are items he bought as a solo person and used them as a solo person and now we need bigger as a couple, so we split it? That’s how I thought seemed most fair

OK, tell him you'll pay for it but if you split you'll be taking it with you

She clearly said HE wants a bigger bed as he likes space, so he should pay half for that.

Agree, after you move in together things you buy for you both to use in your shared home should be split costs.

Yes he wants the bed, I admit the sofa is probably more me and more storage is just because 2 people. I’m happy cuddling all night in the bed and being close to him, he says he really struggles with sleep when I stay around which does upset me a bit but he reassures me it’s nothing personal, he just wakes up loads and gets really broken sleep, so therefore I wouldn’t mind splitting for a new bed but yeah I’d have a smaller bed and be happy still, so that’s definitely more for him but he says he’s happy for me to just buy my own bed and have it next to his and that just sounds my idea of hell in a relationship, I don’t want separate beds!

This is going to sound terribly jaded, but if you each buy/own whole items of furniture, it makes things a lot simpler should you split up. Sorry. I'd never go 50/50 on expensive items again.

If he agrees they are YOUR furniture and you can take it with you if you leave him then fine.

Doesn't sound like that what he's saying though.

I like a man to be an actual man though , personally. Couldn't imagine being a guy and letting my partner put her hand in her pocket like that to furnish my flat.

I mean I know it's to be 'our flat' but you're literally just moving in. It's a probationary period to see if it's workable right now surely.

I wouldn't move in with him, tell him you've changed your mind due to his grabby tightfistedness.
He wants a bigger bed, he can pay , he's happy with 1 small sofa, cool, don't change it, see how quickly he suggests jointly buying a bigger one.

He’s the one who wants a bigger bed and he wants OP to pay for all of it.

OP, this man will screw you over financially , protect yourself.

If you break up, you will never see that furniture again.

Are you moving out of an furnished place or selling your current stuff?
It seems a weird request to me. He has a bed so it doesn't need re0lacing unless he wants to. Sure if he doesn't want to give up wardrobe space you'd need to buy one but aside from that it's all very bizarre. Would put me off moving in though as he's clearly financed focused. When me and my husband moved into our first unfurnished house we were totally broke and the first thing my husband did was bought a deck chair for me to sit in. 🤣

He wants the costs to be 50:50 but your rights won’t be 50:50.

If you split up he will expect you to leave, not him.

Will your name be on the lease ? If not, you have no security of tenure and he can throw you out anytime.

will you have to do more than half the housework because Reason ? Eg he works longer hours, he gets paid more, he has a physical job, he has a non physical job, he works shifts, you work shifts , you work from home etc

When you split up , will you get to take all your furniture ?

Tell him get fucked and dont move in with him.
Hes not a kind man.

I think he's not being unreasonable really. His place is fine for him and he's got furniture there that suits him. You are moving in and that furnished does not suit you.

Therefore I think you should buy the new furniture but I would ask him what he plans to do with his own bed and couch because if and when you move out you're taking yours with you.

You are at a disadvantage in this whole arrangement OP. As previous poster mentioned , you would HAVE TO be the one moving out should things not work out.

It's not ok that you are expected to be grateful for this arrangement.

I would get the new sofa if that's what you really want for reasons that make sense to you. Buy it yourself and you can take it one day should you be moving out. He can pay for all of the new bed if he needs it. And he can then keep it.

Sorry to say this OP but he does not sound very generous.

2 options that I see (if you don’t want to throw the relationship in like some people are suggesting):

1. Say you’re happy with the current bed. Any time he brings up you buying a new one, a nonchalant, “Oh no, I like this one.” He will have to respond with, “but I don’t” (or something similar) which then leaves it easy for you to say, “Feel free to get a new one if you don’t like it” and then move the conversation on.
2. If you do want to buy a new bed, tell him he needs to sell the old one and that money goes towards the new one. You might end up paying more than 50%, but I think it’ll make you feel a bit less taken advantage of.

I don't think he's being entirely unreasonable, he's bought everything else in the flat, if you'd split the whole cost 50/50 it would have cost you more.

However, if you're having these kinds of disputes before you move in, it's not going to improve. I don't think you should live together.

Get yourself a nice huge bed and put it next to his and remind him it’s yours not his.If you split up make it very clear it’s your property and coming with you. Keep receipts !

This relationship has issues which are showing up now. Do you think it will last ?
He sounds tight fisted.

Yeah if it's stuff for both of you that he agrees you need (like the bed) he should pay 50:50

And let me guess, if you split up in the future, you'll have to leave the furniture you've bought because it replaced the stuff he had and it's not fair he's left without it.....

He's a free loader - just after anything he can get his hands on free or cheap as.

Walk away now and definitely don't move in.

I don’t think he’s ready to live with anyone. Keep your own place, I think you’ll see that he’s not a keeper soon enough and will be very relieved that you didn’t move in with him.

Are you bringing anything with you/needing to sell things because he already has it? If not, then you are benefitting from a lot of expense he has already incurred so it seems only fair that you contribute a bed and a sofa.