to think my boyfriend is being unreasonable to expect me to pay for new furniture when I move in with him?

[ScofieldMs]

My boyfriend has a flat that’s rented from a family member so his rent is about half the market value and when I move in, we will split it, so I am very fortunate to be getting very cheap rent for the place I’ll be living in! He spent about 7k to decorate and furnish it when he moved in though as he was left with it left how the last tenants left it and it was the agreement he had with his family. He likes a lot of space when sleeping and has said we will need a bigger bed (I admit I’m a bit of a roller in the night and can end up basically on him and he isn’t a fan of being super close when sleeping etc etc but that’s a whole different thing) so we will need a bigger bed and he has basically said I can pay for it. I assumed we would go 50/50? We will also need some more stuff for the kitchen and bedroom storage and honestly a bigger sofa as he has a 2 seater and it’s really not great for 2 people cuddling or whatever. He has said yeah that’s fine as long as I fund it. Surely it should be 50/50? He says he spent a lot furnishing it when he moved there and then to get new stuff his original stuff will be going and so seems fair that’s my contribution, especially as everywhere else is “already furnished for me” so he’s kind of acting like it’s quite lucky those are the only expenses I have to pay although to be honest, I don’t see it as that lucky as surely you’d have split everything so me paying solo for a bed, bedroom storage and even a sofa is going to end up probably the same as going half on everything anyway! Am I being unfair here? I think he wants me to have a contribution to moving in but I’ll obviously be splitting the rent and bills. Also, is the fact I’m getting cheap rent really something I should also be feeling like his family is doing me a favour? I definitely see it that way, I’m not trying to be ungrateful at all but he has also said “you’re getting cheap rent too, so it’s only fair” but he’s also getting cheap rent? I’m just paying half what his rent is! As I say, I might be sounding a bit harsh about him right now as I am a bit annoyed but I can’t tell if it’s unreasonable for me to have to solo buy those things in this specific scenario?

Keep your independence and stay put, OP.

OR

Suggest moving in but tell him you’re ok with current furniture.
If he’s keen on you, he’ll agree. If he makes excuses then you’re probably better moving on and finding someone who’s interested in you.

It’s a ridiculous way of doing it. No way would I pay half for something I don’t want only to be lumbered with it if the person who does want it moves out. Far easier and cleaner for the person who wants it to pay for it.

But he wants the new bed, OP doesn’t!

Why are you moving in with such a loser is my question.

Perhaps behave AS IF this is a temporary arrangement. Say to him that you will buy new stuff in 6 months when you have saved up to get something really nice. You'll have a better idea of how things stand after 6 months of living together. Try to stretch it out.....

He doesn’t want a new bed.

he says he’s happy for me to just buy my own bed and have it next to his and that just sounds my idea of hell in a relationship, I don’t want separate beds!

this is easy agree or don’t but what it is causing is the start of a grabby relationship, not a partnership, mine and yours.

if you agree, say fine but know if we were to split what I’ve solely paid for is mine and will be taken with me without a discussion

if you don’t agree suck it up, pay the cheap rent, save a fuck tonne of money but no this isn’t a forever relationship

Ah, just thought! At uni i lived with my boyfriend, because we got on well and it made the rent very much cheaper. It wasn't a testing ground for marriage. I'd forgotten about that (and him 😁). Buy only what you can easily take with you or can store at your parents and keep the receipt which is in your name. Look at local furniture schemes for cheap second hand stuff that you'll be happy to leave if too inconvenient to move. No investment pieces! 🤣

When I read the comment about having your own bed I nearly choked on my tea! He doesn't sound very excited about you moving in tbh.
If you are still going to move in with him I'd say as a compromise you buy the new sofa and he goes 50/50 on the bed.

Yeah, I'd be getting rid of this one to be perfectly honest. Big nope.

Try WHEN you split. If this is how he is now, can you imagine down the line.
Never commit to a man (or woman) who lives for his bank balance.

😂 Dear me.
I know this is not relevant, you obviously starting your life.... however, after being (quite happily) married for 20 years, child free, let me assure you,
LIFE IS SO MUCH EASIER, JOYFUL AND HAPPIER if you can live alone.
I have done both and cannot wait to do exactly this, whichever way.
😊

YANBU. You are now furnishing for a life together as 2 people. If you were moving somewhere on your own you'd only need to buy small items, but because there's 2 of you you need bigger ones, so how is it fair you buy the bigger ones on your own? He can sell his furniture and put the money towards his half of the bigger items.
I would suggest trying to live with what's already there first though, my husband and I only had a futon as a bed and a beanbag for a sofa in our first flat!

I would pay for bedroom and kitchen storage myself as main reason for these items to be bought is you moving in. If you break up, you take them with you.
I would insist on 50/50 on new bed or he can have his broken sleep. You are not to buy another bed next to his, if he wants he can do it and fund it 100% as it is not your choice. You are happy with smaller bed as you are. The reason for 50/50 on new bed is because you will benefit from bigger bed too. Be prepared to leave it for him in case you break up and you move out.
Sofa - I would park this discussion now. When you live together for a while, you decide together if you want another sofa and if you do, you buy it 50/50.
If you can't agree on this, then you shouldn't move in together

he says he’s happy for me to just buy my own bed and have it next to his and that just sounds my idea of hell in a relationship

Just save yourself a whole load of hassle and bother and don't move in with him.
This relationship is going nowhere.

He is happy in his house with his things, you moving in and wanting/needing bigger different stuff Is your choice and you should fund it.

The upside is if you split up you get to take that furniture with you as you paid 100% for it. Much clearer than 50:50. If you don’t it will be yours in the same way the other furniture is his.

Sounds to me like you really need a proper sit down to talk about finances in general. Have you talked about food, holidays, meals out etc? Talk about it and make sure you are completely happy with the conclusion - and make sure you both compromise if that is needed - don't absorb it all from him because you are excited about moving in.

This arrangement has 6months tops written all over it

Do you have a big car or access to a van? Can you sell the stuff you want to change and use the money to buy second hand furniture to replace it?

Do you see a future with this guy? Do you want to be with someone that wants you to pay for things you'll both enjoy?

Before you spend your own money - think about if you see a future with someone that is like this... it'll be far easier and you'd waste less time if you walk away now...

I don't see why a partner would not agree to pay 50% of the cost of a bed (you could sell the old one too) and the same with the sofa.

Furniture that might not fit her next place though.

Furniture deprecates massively, it's not much of an asset.

I just tried selling some excellent quality furniture when we moved. I ended up giving them all away because there's no market for it.

It sounds like he is not very excited to have you move in with him? I would be a little wary that there is an element of it being his flat that you are moving into rather than a place you’ve moved into together - it can cause tension and a sense of invasion for him and being unwelcome for you. You need to discuss it head on and tell him how you’re feeling and he can say how he is feeling. With a bed - which is the centrepiece of a ‘moving in together’ situation (if you’re not just a lodger of course) I think it would feel quite a declaration to not buy it together. Having said that we have the European style bed of two twins fitted together (it’s great, try it - different mattresses to suit different likes, no bed hogging - admittedly an annoying gap in the middle but…) so you could put a bed next to his if there is room? But assuming you are selling the old bed I think you get to keep the funds from that and put it towards a new one.
it doesn’t seem a big deal but if it is for you maybe it is a symptom of a deeper feeling for him and you should question if you’re both ready to move in together right now? Anyway talk to him not mumsnet would be my advice!

I think the argument about money is nothing to do with money, I think it's just coming out in that way.
Is money tight? I assume not.

1. Moving in is a big transition and when people are anxious then it can come out in strange arguments. Start talking to each other about how you feel about moving in. It can be tempting to pretend everything is positive but it's not and being honest with yourselves and each other gives space for those feelings to escape.
2. The dynamic has been changed for at least 2 reasons. 1 it's his family house, and 2 he's already there and you are moving in. This means there's a power structure and also expectations, so you are more likely to slip into child mode where you are looked after rather than as an equal. There may also be dynamics at play as illustrated up thread between whether the man should always pay for things etc.

Once you can calmly understand the situation and understand both your and his part in it, then you can work it out. The emotions are important to have out in the open, but don't let them take over!
Good luck.

I actually don't think you're being fair. You say you're happy with the bed becuase you're happy taking his space, would you be happy with the bed if you were restricted to using only half of the bed? He needs a bigger bed because you take too much of it.

He has storage for his own clothes, you need to provide storage for your clothes. Why should he buy you a wardrobe?

If you want more than half a 2 seater sofa then you need to buy one. You don't get to move into his house and expect him to pay to supply furniture to your liking. You're already doing pretty well moving into a ready furnished place at a discounted rent, seems a bit cocklodgery to then tell him he needs to buy new furniture for you too.