to think my boyfriend is being unreasonable to expect me to pay for new furniture when I move in with him?

[ScofieldMs]

My boyfriend has a flat that’s rented from a family member so his rent is about half the market value and when I move in, we will split it, so I am very fortunate to be getting very cheap rent for the place I’ll be living in! He spent about 7k to decorate and furnish it when he moved in though as he was left with it left how the last tenants left it and it was the agreement he had with his family. He likes a lot of space when sleeping and has said we will need a bigger bed (I admit I’m a bit of a roller in the night and can end up basically on him and he isn’t a fan of being super close when sleeping etc etc but that’s a whole different thing) so we will need a bigger bed and he has basically said I can pay for it. I assumed we would go 50/50? We will also need some more stuff for the kitchen and bedroom storage and honestly a bigger sofa as he has a 2 seater and it’s really not great for 2 people cuddling or whatever. He has said yeah that’s fine as long as I fund it. Surely it should be 50/50? He says he spent a lot furnishing it when he moved there and then to get new stuff his original stuff will be going and so seems fair that’s my contribution, especially as everywhere else is “already furnished for me” so he’s kind of acting like it’s quite lucky those are the only expenses I have to pay although to be honest, I don’t see it as that lucky as surely you’d have split everything so me paying solo for a bed, bedroom storage and even a sofa is going to end up probably the same as going half on everything anyway! Am I being unfair here? I think he wants me to have a contribution to moving in but I’ll obviously be splitting the rent and bills. Also, is the fact I’m getting cheap rent really something I should also be feeling like his family is doing me a favour? I definitely see it that way, I’m not trying to be ungrateful at all but he has also said “you’re getting cheap rent too, so it’s only fair” but he’s also getting cheap rent? I’m just paying half what his rent is! As I say, I might be sounding a bit harsh about him right now as I am a bit annoyed but I can’t tell if it’s unreasonable for me to have to solo buy those things in this specific scenario?

Well he sounds very tight-fisted so I’d be asking myself if I want to continue a relationship with someone like that. It’s a good indicator of what he’ll be like in the future.

When I moved in with my then bf (now dh) he took me shopping (only IKEA but still!) to let me choose a new bed, storage and things like cushions, rugs to soften the place up as it was very masculine. Because he’s generous and he really wanted me to feel like it was my home too.

That’s what you should be aiming for.

Do people really approach things in such an adversarial way? 'demanding' I'd have thought the OP said something more like, 'So it'd be nice to have a bigger sofa,'.

We don’t know, do we? She hasn’t told us. Either way my response would have been the same. If my sofa hadn’t been good enough he’d have been perfectly welcome to buy another one.

Well, the way the OP writes does't make it sound like she's approached this like a confrontation.

'If my sofa hadn't been good enough' is pretty prickly, too; she seems to me to be just thinking it'd be nice to have a bigger, more comfortable one than the current one.

It should be 50-50. What happens if you split up who will get the stuff. He sounds like a right old tight arse and this should be an inclination of what he will be like with future finances. I would not move in until this is sorted as this could be a red flag.

This.

After what he's already said, my vagina's clamped up. It is such an ick.

He sounds like a tight arse. Do you really want to move in with this man? Will he start charging you per square of toilet roll you use?

You said it. Why would he want to pay for a sofa if he's happy with the one he bought?

And he's happy with the one he bought. So if she wants a new one that's on her. Added to which she has said she has more money than him going spare as he spent his renting and furnishing the flat.

She's walking in to a fully functioning flat and she wants him to shell out more???? grabby.

I guess we just divide into two groups: people who view their partners moving in and possibly wanting some things for the house as an inconvenience and a financial drain and feel they should keep a tally of everything, and people who actively want their partners to move in and view it as a team venture and don’t feel the need to keep track of who pays for what/judging who pays by how much they want it/how they ask/what each person has spent in their life leading up to that point.

Personally, while I’m all for each person contributing, I’d find it highly unattractive and a bit of a warning sign if my DP mithered about me suggesting a few new things or trying to suggest that he was doing me a massive favour ‘letting’ me move in and pay the low rent that he also benefits from.

When I moved in with my BF (we ended up getting married a few years later), he owned his house and it was already furnished by him. Any new furniture we required was split, and I would’ve considered it outrageous if he had said that because I moved into his fully furnished home, it would have been my responsibility to replace. Perhaps you should rethink whether you want to live with this bloke.

I think the problem with your "team venture" idea here is that they are starting from the baseline of the boyfriend having provided everything. There's no indication that OP is contributing as much as a plate. So he's saying "well, I've already provided all these things; time for you to provide something" and OP is only thinking about the "more" things that she want and not at all considering the things he has already. I don't think this is the case of totting up exactly what each person brings to the party. When DH and I moved in, I had a nice bed and he had a not so nice one so we slept in the nice bed and made the other one a guest bed; he had a dining table and I didn't but I did have a wardrobe. And we both had random selections of kitchen items so we put them both together and had a reasonably kitted out kitchen. We at no point totted up exactly who provided what but we were both producing a reasonable selection of things. OP is producing nothing. And is not prepared to buy the stuff that is only needed because she is moving in.

@MarkWithaC
It's funny how it's always the one bringing the least in that moans about totting up and the one who has provided the most made to feel bad for wanting parity.

If you'd be happy with a relationship based on who provided what, and what the financial 'baseline' was, fine, crack on. But the OP doesn't sound like she's that happy with it, and I wouldn't be either. He sounds mean-spirited and mercenary. I would never say that my DP wasn't 'producing anything' (and I'd be hurt if he said that about me; but he never would), because our relationship is a relationship, not a business agreement.
But again, if you and others on here with their balance sheets out disagree, and would be attracted to men with this attitude anyway, fine. Y'all can take all the tight men and leave the nice ones for people like the OP.

Don't move in with him just in order to get a cheap place to live. I get the impression that he wants you to move in so his outgoings will reduce, and it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if he is looking forward to having his cooking, cleaning and laundry done as well.

I think a relationship should be based on equal partners, not on one person doing most of the giving and the other most of the taking.

That doesn't mean keeping a strict balance sheet.
I'm sure both you and your DP are bringing things (not necessarily material things) to the relationship. I suspect if one of you wasn't than the other would get fed up pretty quickly.

If this was about household chores and not physical items, would you say it was fine for DP to keep doing all the tasks he current does and for OP to just do half of any extra ones? Because why should she be expected to take on jobs he already does?

Definitely a weird one here !
Why would he want you to move in but put your ( new ) bed next to his ?
Are you partners or just friends ?

He sounds like hard work, OP. Plenty other fish in the sea !
Save yourself the angst and potential complications going forward.

Maybe cheap rent but at a huge mental health cost !

Maybe cheap rent but at a huge mental health cost !

I had no idea paying for furniture was so traumatic.

If only it was as simple as paying for furniture !🤣

It is. She wants a new sofa and doesn’t want to pay for it. It’s pretty simple from where I’m sitting - on a perfectly adequate two seater sofa.