to think my boyfriend is being unreasonable to expect me to pay for new furniture when I move in with him?

[ScofieldMs]

My boyfriend has a flat that’s rented from a family member so his rent is about half the market value and when I move in, we will split it, so I am very fortunate to be getting very cheap rent for the place I’ll be living in! He spent about 7k to decorate and furnish it when he moved in though as he was left with it left how the last tenants left it and it was the agreement he had with his family. He likes a lot of space when sleeping and has said we will need a bigger bed (I admit I’m a bit of a roller in the night and can end up basically on him and he isn’t a fan of being super close when sleeping etc etc but that’s a whole different thing) so we will need a bigger bed and he has basically said I can pay for it. I assumed we would go 50/50? We will also need some more stuff for the kitchen and bedroom storage and honestly a bigger sofa as he has a 2 seater and it’s really not great for 2 people cuddling or whatever. He has said yeah that’s fine as long as I fund it. Surely it should be 50/50? He says he spent a lot furnishing it when he moved there and then to get new stuff his original stuff will be going and so seems fair that’s my contribution, especially as everywhere else is “already furnished for me” so he’s kind of acting like it’s quite lucky those are the only expenses I have to pay although to be honest, I don’t see it as that lucky as surely you’d have split everything so me paying solo for a bed, bedroom storage and even a sofa is going to end up probably the same as going half on everything anyway! Am I being unfair here? I think he wants me to have a contribution to moving in but I’ll obviously be splitting the rent and bills. Also, is the fact I’m getting cheap rent really something I should also be feeling like his family is doing me a favour? I definitely see it that way, I’m not trying to be ungrateful at all but he has also said “you’re getting cheap rent too, so it’s only fair” but he’s also getting cheap rent? I’m just paying half what his rent is! As I say, I might be sounding a bit harsh about him right now as I am a bit annoyed but I can’t tell if it’s unreasonable for me to have to solo buy those things in this specific scenario?

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, ( apart from the bed - why didn’t he buy one big enough for two people to start with ? ) it’s his flat and he’s furnished it to suit him. I wouldn’t buy a bloody thing to start with though, give it a few months to see how you get on.
And if you do - keep those receipts!

Maybe this doesn't show him in the most generous light but he is providing everything else and not asking you to buy half of those things from him. If you don't contribute basically you are just sharing his space. I think it's fair enough really and you take them with you when the relationship ends (if). What are you contributing to the home?

I think the bed and sofa are not the issue here IMO. From reading your OP you both have different ideas of the relationship. You seem to want a romantic ‘living together’ dream and you mentioned ‘snuggles’ a lot in your OP.
You said he likes his own space and seems to be regard you moving in as a financial venture from which he may gain but would like you to keep your physical distance.
Perhaps have a look at what’s actually happening in the relationship as opposed to being distracted with beds and sofas. I think he may disappoint you if you move in.

“Like an man to be an actual man” 😂

This doesn't sound compatible. He suffers from broken sleep with you rolling around and wanting to cuddle all night long. That sounds my idea of hell, I would not move in with someone who was going to disturb my sleep like that. He's got the whole thing redecorated and nice and doesn't want you moving into his small bed. I wouldn't either. I agree he's not dealing with this very nicely but it doesn't sound like it's going to work. He doesn't mind offending/annoying you. You are annoyed/offended. It doesn't sound like he wants to change his behaviour so that you aren't. He knows you moving in will wreck his sleep so is probably in two minds about the whole thing so feels free-er in being unreasonable.

Honestly I lived in lots of rental flats and I always just sucked up the bed/ sofa/ furniture. It might not be ideal but living in a furnished rental is always a compromise. Keep the money, tell him you are saving for a deposit and when /if you buy together then you will invest in furniture. I did buy a sofa/ bed once I owned but even then I lived with the previous owners old sofas for 3 years till I could afford them !

I agree, especially in this case. OP he wants you to be grateful about being able to live there, he complains he can't sleep properly when you stay over. Nothing you do is gonna be right and it just sounds like such a miserable start.

I'm sorry but not sleeping because you are bothered by someone else is the worst ! And if this was a thread about a non sleeping peri meno woman we'd all be saying separate beds !
If you want to move in and he can't sleep because of how you are in his bed, then I'd buy the new one and then it's "your bed". You choose everything about it and then you can take it if you move out.

Personally don't bother with the sofa, 2 people can cuddle on a 2 seater fine. So just leave that for the time being and see how you get on.

You could argue that each of you are being unreasonable tbh. No you shouldn't have to pay for everything and I can also see why he wouldn't want to after spending thousands furnishing it already.

Simple solution surely is - he wants a bigger bed so he buys that. You want a bigger sofa so you buy that.

Also, save as much as you can while you are paying this cheap rent so you have a nice cushion to fall back on if this goes tits up.

My ex was like this. I'd advise re- thinking moving in.

When we split up ( after 9 years!) He took the , kettle, cutlery and an electric fire, the only 3 things he ever bought for our joint home.
Honestly, tightness is incredibly unattractive.

Save yourself some heart ache.

Just the fact that you’re already arguing about buying a bed / sofa would put me off moving in. You both should be excited and happy to share but he’s already showing that he’s tight which would instantly put me off. Save yourself the heartache and split up now.

Why don't you buy the sofa and bed and he sells his, then gives you the money. As a compromise?

This is going to sound terribly jaded, but if you each buy/own whole items of furniture, it makes things a lot simpler should you split up. Sorry. I'd never go 50/50 on expensive items again.
100%

my ex tried this. Asked for half the sofas. He was going travelling. He wanted me to sell them. He seemed to forget that i paid for or provided almost everything. I reminded him my grandparents bought the sofas. He then took the washing machine which his parents had bought and sold it on. Arsehole wanted half the sofa my family bought is but didnt share the money from the washer. He also emptied our joint bank account.

That’s not a compromise. OP is being expected to buy new furniture that will cost hundreds, if not thousands of pounds. Whereas his old bed and sofa won’t even fetch £50.

Ask him why he wants to live with you and carefully listen to the answer.

If his first reason is it'll be cheaper/we can shag whenever we (I) want/you want us to be together then really think about the wisdom of moving in together. I suspect you have very different ideas about what this means about your relationship. Neither is wrong, but you need to understand and accept his position if you decide to go ahead.

Don't forget to put any saving on rent/living costs into a secure savings account. Your future self will thank you for it.

This. I always had a thing about not making big joint purchases until we were buying a house or getting married. We split after 6 years and everything was sorted in 2 weeks with no arguments over who kept what. There was a lot to be said for it.

When I met my husband it was a bit different as he moved countries to be with me and brought all his furniture. Anything else we needed we bought jointly but I knew I’d buy a house and marry him at that stage.

How does someone buying furniture make them a man? We’re in 2024 it’s quite common for a woman to also provide

I think my answer depends on if there is a large disparity in income. Anything you buy, you should buy outright with a view to taking it with you in the event of a split. You will be taking advantage of very cheap rent.

Just go on market place and pick up a kingsize bed and a larger sofa, then tell him if you split as you purchased these items you'd take them with you...

Red flag 🚩

I’d pay for a new bed and sofa if he’s paid for everything else and you’re getting cheap rent because of his family. Why not, if you can afford it!

Do you not have anything you can bring with for the kitchen etc?

I wouldn’t buy a new sofa, at most get an armchair for yourself with a bit of leg room. Let him know if you buy a new bed, you will take it with you.

I don’t think you should overly financially invest in the bed pace as you have no tenancy rights or legal protection.

really I’d move in for 6 months without spending any money for a bit first and see if you can manage with the things already there. Just get a sturdy clothing rail from Ikea.

reassess after 6 months

This.

This. You'll get to keep them then.

If you were a man writing this @ScofieldMs you'd be called a cocklodger, funny ol' world Mumsnet

You have the benefit of moving into a flat without having to pay a deposit, it’s also newly decorated and furnished and your BFs expense. Your rent will be very cheap. Your contribution to living together will be a new bed, sofa and wardrobe. Items that you will get to take with you if you leave.
Sounds like a good deal to me!