to think my boyfriend is being unreasonable to expect me to pay for new furniture when I move in with him?

[ScofieldMs]

My boyfriend has a flat that’s rented from a family member so his rent is about half the market value and when I move in, we will split it, so I am very fortunate to be getting very cheap rent for the place I’ll be living in! He spent about 7k to decorate and furnish it when he moved in though as he was left with it left how the last tenants left it and it was the agreement he had with his family. He likes a lot of space when sleeping and has said we will need a bigger bed (I admit I’m a bit of a roller in the night and can end up basically on him and he isn’t a fan of being super close when sleeping etc etc but that’s a whole different thing) so we will need a bigger bed and he has basically said I can pay for it. I assumed we would go 50/50? We will also need some more stuff for the kitchen and bedroom storage and honestly a bigger sofa as he has a 2 seater and it’s really not great for 2 people cuddling or whatever. He has said yeah that’s fine as long as I fund it. Surely it should be 50/50? He says he spent a lot furnishing it when he moved there and then to get new stuff his original stuff will be going and so seems fair that’s my contribution, especially as everywhere else is “already furnished for me” so he’s kind of acting like it’s quite lucky those are the only expenses I have to pay although to be honest, I don’t see it as that lucky as surely you’d have split everything so me paying solo for a bed, bedroom storage and even a sofa is going to end up probably the same as going half on everything anyway! Am I being unfair here? I think he wants me to have a contribution to moving in but I’ll obviously be splitting the rent and bills. Also, is the fact I’m getting cheap rent really something I should also be feeling like his family is doing me a favour? I definitely see it that way, I’m not trying to be ungrateful at all but he has also said “you’re getting cheap rent too, so it’s only fair” but he’s also getting cheap rent? I’m just paying half what his rent is! As I say, I might be sounding a bit harsh about him right now as I am a bit annoyed but I can’t tell if it’s unreasonable for me to have to solo buy those things in this specific scenario?

Cheap rent massively worth it. You sound transactional rather than romantic.

Haha hope the bigger bed works we invested but nah it didn't stop hubby kicking me awake lol so we have a single also and for us to get sleep is amazing as no sleep over time made me feel ill

This is what I would say to him. Honestly I'd be quite happy to fund the bed and a sofa (assuming I had the money) if I then got to take it with me in the event we split. That's a lot of the essential furniture sorted if you need to get out quickly!

I think you are best to go into these things with your head as well as your heart. Essentially op will be a lodger, yes the rent will be cheap and over time that could balance out the additional cost of a bed / sofa. If she doesn’t end up staying that long she owns a bed/sofa/ wardrobe. Shared flats tend to come furnished and I’m assuming living with family now who have beds/ sofas/storage.

I know people who have moved in , spent loads, then moved out with nothing to show for it.

Really? She just hires a man and a van and takes them away.

You’ve never been financially screwed over by an ex have you?

Surely it’s cleaner if he orders it in his name then there’s no dispute that he owns it?

It’s easier if the bed stays in the property.

But he doesn’t want it. He’s happy with what he’s got.

But he does want it, he’s the one who wants the new bed, OP is happy with the existing one.

Do not move in there. Fuck me.

The tenancy is in his name, if he changes the locks Op Is screwed and has little recourse.

And she wants the new sofa. 🤷‍♀️

What he is showing you is that there are his things and your things and no joint things.
Which may be ok if you are early in your relationship and moving in is an interim step and things will hopefully develop . If on the other hand this is an established relationship to which you are both supposed to be committed I'd be concerned that it will never be a real partnership where things are shared. You may want to have a discussion about sharing responsibilities, finances, and even how things will work if you have children and into the longer term before you decide whether move in.

Don’t move in with him he will hold the cheap rent thing over your head and bring it up in every argument. If you really want to live together and have a life together get somewhere else together and split all costs .

I like a man to be an actual man though , personally. Couldn't imagine being a guy and letting my partner put her hand in her pocket like that to furnish my flat.

You’ve got one of those “Treat me like a princess” T-shirts, haven’t you?

His comment about how you should be grateful for cheap rent is a worry. I'd say you could hear that everytime an expense comes up that he thinks you should pay for instead of him.

Be prepared for his family to increase the rent as they don't see why they should do you a favour as you aren't family. I'd bet your boyfriend would suggest you then pay more rent than him. Not a nice way to live always being told you should be grateful but wondering if he's taking advantage.

The cheap rent thing will hang over both your heads. You have mentioned this a couple of times just in this thread so it's definitely a 'thing'. This is all good testing to see if this man is worth investing in or do you cut your loses now. He is showing you who he is. Penny pinching never bodes well in a relationship.

Which brings me back to my original point - someone posts that her male partner is moving in, massively saving on rent thanks to her family's generosity, but they need a new bed as a result.

If he insisted she paid 100% for it, and that she paid towards the other expenses directly related to his move, including the new furniture he wants. what would he be called on here?

well the writing is on the wall here...

But if you're going to move in with him anyway, then I think you should have further discussions about what living together looks like to each of you e.g. how will you choose and pay for joint items for the flat, how will you manage the cleaning, laundry, bills etc.

For the current bed and sofa issues, personally I think 50/50 is fair, as you don't particularly want a new bed, he does; and it sounds like he doesn't care about the sofa, you do. You're both sacrificing a bit for the other person and both will get daily use out of both items.

Why are you moving in together? Is it something you'll chalk up as life experience or do you anticipate this developing into a long-term, committed relationship? If it's the latter, the 'mine' and 'yours' thing might be tricky to navigate in future, particularly for shared items. I'd also be wary of renting off his relatives long-term. I suspect in his mind, he thinks you should pay for everything because you're getting a good deal on rent. How long is he going to hold that over your head?

But I think OP’s compromise with going halves on the bed and sofa is fair.

He wants the bed, she wants the sofa.

They each pay half for both.

And he keeps them if they split.

But they don’t need a new bed. It’s a double. If he wants a new bed he should pay half.

If OP wanted the new bed then I agree she should fund it.

You would never in a million years tell the woman whose partner was moving in, saving a fortune by doing so, and who didn't want to use some of those savings to buy the bigger bed that his moving in necessitated for her comfort, to suck it up and sleep uncomfortably to save her partner more money.

Look at it from another angle. If you happen to separate at the end you can take all the stuff you bought with you! Not just invest in his flat.

This.

He isn’t ready to share his space. Especially if he’s making a big deal about having broken sleep when sharing a bed.

I’m basing it off:

• The person moving in will be paying half the rent and bills. It’s not like they are paying less. It’s not their fault the rent is cheap.
• Possession is 9/10s of the law. It’s easier if the person remaining in the property keeps the items. So the man will pay half for things that he can ultimately keep, which is a good deal

The sexes are irrelevant.