to think my boyfriend is being unreasonable to expect me to pay for new furniture when I move in with him?

[ScofieldMs]

My boyfriend has a flat that’s rented from a family member so his rent is about half the market value and when I move in, we will split it, so I am very fortunate to be getting very cheap rent for the place I’ll be living in! He spent about 7k to decorate and furnish it when he moved in though as he was left with it left how the last tenants left it and it was the agreement he had with his family. He likes a lot of space when sleeping and has said we will need a bigger bed (I admit I’m a bit of a roller in the night and can end up basically on him and he isn’t a fan of being super close when sleeping etc etc but that’s a whole different thing) so we will need a bigger bed and he has basically said I can pay for it. I assumed we would go 50/50? We will also need some more stuff for the kitchen and bedroom storage and honestly a bigger sofa as he has a 2 seater and it’s really not great for 2 people cuddling or whatever. He has said yeah that’s fine as long as I fund it. Surely it should be 50/50? He says he spent a lot furnishing it when he moved there and then to get new stuff his original stuff will be going and so seems fair that’s my contribution, especially as everywhere else is “already furnished for me” so he’s kind of acting like it’s quite lucky those are the only expenses I have to pay although to be honest, I don’t see it as that lucky as surely you’d have split everything so me paying solo for a bed, bedroom storage and even a sofa is going to end up probably the same as going half on everything anyway! Am I being unfair here? I think he wants me to have a contribution to moving in but I’ll obviously be splitting the rent and bills. Also, is the fact I’m getting cheap rent really something I should also be feeling like his family is doing me a favour? I definitely see it that way, I’m not trying to be ungrateful at all but he has also said “you’re getting cheap rent too, so it’s only fair” but he’s also getting cheap rent? I’m just paying half what his rent is! As I say, I might be sounding a bit harsh about him right now as I am a bit annoyed but I can’t tell if it’s unreasonable for me to have to solo buy those things in this specific scenario?

I was going to say exactly that!
The advantage also is that whoever buys the item has more of a say in choosing it accordingly to their own tastes. I hate joint furniture decisions.

Do you earn similar amounts? How are you splitting bills etc?

You dont want a new bed, so don't buy one
He can buy one if he likes. Up to him.

New sofa? Storage? If you both agree you need it, it should be a joint purchase or again, don't bother.

But personally, I wouldn't move in with him at all. He's mean.

He struggles to sleep when you stay in his place?
So much so he wants you to buy a bed and put it beside his bed...
Hmm. He sounds resentful of having to share anything with you.
Just like immature and selfish.

Are you sure this moving in together is really his idea too?
How long are you two going out?

Nah. It’s a shame he was stingy and bought stuff that didn’t work for a couple. I’d ditch the moving in plan, just say I’ll buy the sofa if you buy the bed, but I’m not refurnishing your house for you so I can have the privilege of moving in. I’ll stay where I am thanks.
beds and sofas are £££.

If it’s a family-owned property, and you don’t have a proper rental agreement, he could chuck you out on the streets any time you have a row. And you won’t be able to carry that double bed you bought out the door with you.

Don’t move in and don’t spend any money without doing some proper research on your legal rights.

He seems to be telling you you're too expensive or inconvenient.

You could just move in with his existing furniture. If he gets pissed off with your sleeping habits, and too cramped on the sofa, he'll have to start a fresh conversation about how to rectify the issues. But I suspect he's less keen than you thought.

I don't think he is being U.He has already paid for most of the furnishings of the flat and the £7k renovation the latter of which is allowing you to live there at a massively reduced rent

Yes! Exactly this! Chivalry is dead!

If he can’t buy any new things right now because he has already furnished the flat recently, then he could suggest waiting until you both save up, or thrifting, or sleeping on the floor on a King size mattress for a while, or anything better and more imaginative than “you buy it”.

He’s not exactly making you feel welcome is he? You’d think he would be excited that you are moving in and try and make some adaptations for you.

And mentioning the reduced rent in that way when he is paying a reduced rent too is a massive red flag imho. Presumably he will be paying even less rent now that you are moving in.

This is a big step in your relationship and he sounds pretty lacklustre tbh op. He is showing you who he is. I would be reconsidering tbh.

The thing is op, if you go on with this relationship, and say you have dc, or even if you don’t, there may be difficult stressful times when it may be necessary for him to put himself out for you and your family either financially or through time and effort. Vice versa too of course but women are more vulnerable because they carry the babies and sometimes take more of a hit career wise.

This is not a good start. Think carefully before you go ahead.

You're paying 50/50 rent but you won't have 50/50 rights.

I think you and he need to have a serious conversation about money and wealth and expectations.

There is a disparity between you. He has his great financial boost in the form of heavily subsidised rent from his family. He's sharing that 'windfall' with you, and he obviously has mixed feelings about it. He feels entitled to it because it's his family, - does he see you as less entitled to it and therefore you should be willing to make up for it and contribute more in other ways?

It's messy.

IME - when one party has more - if their love for you doesn't make them gladly share the wealth in circumstances where it costs him nothing (in fact his already subsidised rent is HALVING again, and you'll have no rights to the flat if you split) - then that's maybe an underlying disconnection that you need to hash out with him.

Also you're buying furniture that fits and suits HIS flat - even if you want to take it with you if you split- what are the odds it would suit and fit your new place

I don't think he's being unreasonable.

Why should you moving in cost him money?

You are moving in and this means the purchase of a bigger bed, new sofas and more storage - so you buy them.

Especially as it is you pushing for new sofas when he probably likes the ones he's got.

You will be paying rent subsidised by 50% because of his family's generosity.

You won't have to contribute or buy any other furniture.

If dp was moving in with me I'd be saying the same thing.

But living in his family's property does make you vulnerable in a split. I don't think there's much anyone can do about that but I'd be saving into a fund with the money saved on rent.

Did he suggest you move in? If so, he should at LEAST go 50/50. I personally think he should pay it all, because in the event you split, it’s his flat and I presume he will be keeping the furniture when you move out? How much is he earning? If it’s about the same or more than you then he’s a bit of a cheeky twat to be honest, he wants his whole flat kitted out for free.

He’s grasping, unloving, unromantic and calculating.

If this was a reverse the OP would be told the boyfriend is a cocklodger.
Benefitting from low rent, fully furnished home, no responsibilities.

OP, by moving in together both parties should benefit. He isn't doing you a favour you will both be financially better off.
You will benefit with lower rent, giving you the option to save the extra money, but zero security.
He will benefit with lower rent.
All bills should be split. Bed, sofa etx

I would stay put for the moment. Don't move in. Not just yet. I'm sure he sleeps at yours? Is yours a magic bed?

He doesn't seem very exited about you moving in does he?

If he is mean with money now, imagine how he would be in the event of a split.

I assume the issue here is money is tight for yoh both, hence why you both want stuff and are arguing about paying?

does he have the money for paying for half the bed, sofa and storage? Do you have it easily? Who earns more than who?

it’s hard to understand if he’s just tight, or if money is tight and that’s the issue.

i assume you rent now, and by moving in with him, this will drastically reduce? Is this the point he’s making? So you will have more disposable income?

my experience is people often argue in this way when money is tight. However you should be pulling together not pulling apart.

Well yes he may want another bed but that’s because OP admits she’s a bit of a roller in the night and can end up basically on him. Maybe if she stayed on her side, they wouldn’t need a new bed.

Will you be repaying half the cost of the other furniture already in the flat? Half the cost of the carpet or the paint?

It doesn't sound unreasonable. Tight, but not unfair.

I wouldn't be buying any furniture until you are sure living together will work. I also wouldn't be paying for anything I couldn't take with me if I leave.

It sounds like he already knows HE wants a bigger bed in this situation. Personally I would be waiting for him to sort that before you move in.

As pp says you will be splitting the costs of rent and bills with him while having absolutely no legal protection. He can wait for you to pay up at the start of a month then kick you out and you have no rights. If he doesn't understand why you don't want to buy furniture in that position hes a bit of a moron.

I read these stories and I lament. We recently refurbished our home and my husband paid for everything. He'd never think of making me pay. Young women are being shortchanged.

You're paying 50/50 rent but you won't have 50/50 rights.

And let me guess, if you split up in the future, you'll have to leave the furniture you've bought because it replaced the stuff he had and it's not fair he's left without it.....

These two sentences stood out for me. I think moving in isnt the best idea. Like you said, youre not moving in together, you are moving in with him.

Where do you live now? How ling have tou been together?

This would be a dealbreaker for me, because it shows how his immediate thought is what is good for HIM. You will be paying 50% of the rental and have no rights, yet he still expects you to be the one who bears the full cost of you moving in. Is this the sort of person (someone whose financial well-being will always trump yours) you want to be with?

Really have a good think about the things that would be dealbreakers for you - be certain to have dealbreakers, and maybe write them down, because when you are willing to put yourself in a precarious position like this for love, chances are they will slip as the relationship progresses. For example, try to put yourself back to before you were dating him - would you have wanted to be with a man who acted like this?

He's telling you he wants to sleep in separate beds.

Good sleep is essential for relationship to work.

You both need to work this out before you move in together.

As for the comments about cheap rent etc, bit of a 🚩

He’s spent 7k on the flat so it seems fair. Get the sofa and bed yourself so that it’s yours and you can take them with you if you leave