to think my boyfriend is being unreasonable to expect me to pay for new furniture when I move in with him?

[ScofieldMs]

My boyfriend has a flat that’s rented from a family member so his rent is about half the market value and when I move in, we will split it, so I am very fortunate to be getting very cheap rent for the place I’ll be living in! He spent about 7k to decorate and furnish it when he moved in though as he was left with it left how the last tenants left it and it was the agreement he had with his family. He likes a lot of space when sleeping and has said we will need a bigger bed (I admit I’m a bit of a roller in the night and can end up basically on him and he isn’t a fan of being super close when sleeping etc etc but that’s a whole different thing) so we will need a bigger bed and he has basically said I can pay for it. I assumed we would go 50/50? We will also need some more stuff for the kitchen and bedroom storage and honestly a bigger sofa as he has a 2 seater and it’s really not great for 2 people cuddling or whatever. He has said yeah that’s fine as long as I fund it. Surely it should be 50/50? He says he spent a lot furnishing it when he moved there and then to get new stuff his original stuff will be going and so seems fair that’s my contribution, especially as everywhere else is “already furnished for me” so he’s kind of acting like it’s quite lucky those are the only expenses I have to pay although to be honest, I don’t see it as that lucky as surely you’d have split everything so me paying solo for a bed, bedroom storage and even a sofa is going to end up probably the same as going half on everything anyway! Am I being unfair here? I think he wants me to have a contribution to moving in but I’ll obviously be splitting the rent and bills. Also, is the fact I’m getting cheap rent really something I should also be feeling like his family is doing me a favour? I definitely see it that way, I’m not trying to be ungrateful at all but he has also said “you’re getting cheap rent too, so it’s only fair” but he’s also getting cheap rent? I’m just paying half what his rent is! As I say, I might be sounding a bit harsh about him right now as I am a bit annoyed but I can’t tell if it’s unreasonable for me to have to solo buy those things in this specific scenario?

I would probably not buy a bed because that's what he wants but any furniture you want just get op because then when you split which more than likely you will if your already having issues like this purely about moving in together then at least you can take that furniture with you

@ScofieldMs just out of interest what’s your current cost of rent plus bills for 12 months and what will it be at his place for 12 months?

I think a fair split is that he sells the current bed and sofa that he has already paid out for, then contributes that money to the new ones. Then you pay the rest.

Are you at the stage of your lives when you are both thinking: 'This is it; this is my 'forever' relationship; this is who I am throwing my life together with'?
Or are you at an earlier, more exploratory stage?
If it is the latter, then a slower, more cautious blending of selves and stuff and finances seems a fair enough preference. It might evolve over time into full blending, joint accounts, etc. Or it might not, and you can take the sofa and the big bed with you when you go.
I think I was a bit mean and withholding when I was first with my now-husband, and it reflected a lack of certainty about the relationship. I think it was also a hangover from sibling relationships. Many people with siblings are still a bit preoccupied with fair shares etc in young adult life. How do his sibling relationships compare with yours?

Given that sleeping together seems to be a problem for him, I’d be taking this move very cautiously, and treating this as a probationary period.

With that in mind, I’d buy the bed, and anything else outright for now to make splitting easier. The relationship isn’t in a place yet for joint purchases.

I’d also be paying attention to all the other ways that things should be split 50:50. Re-read CONNIE’s post.

I’m feeling shockingly out of date but ime there is so much invisible work that women do in relationships and parenting, as well as doing the very visible bulk of housecare, then being disadvantaged in the workplace through a myriad of sociological factors. I don’t have high hopes for relationships that have this transactional basis, from the very start. At the very least protect yourself from homelessness by saving a deposit and market realistic rent before you buy that bed.

Well the old bed and sofa will have to go… presumably sold.
what is happening with
the money from that?

I actually think it’s cleaner if it’s your money used to buy them as then you own them and there is not argument if/when you break up. Also you can buy what you want.

separately I don’t think I spend 7k on furniture when we moved into our 5 bed house… granted we had some already but we moved from a 2 bed flat but we had to buy 3 bedrooms worth of furniture and a full dining room set….

i hope you aren’t paying 50/50 of the rent as outlined by other posters you don’t have 50/50 on rights to stay etc

He’s said I can take it with me if I move or if we sell the current stuff if can go towards the new stuff (although obviously won’t be half) admittedly, he has less money than me because I’ve not been living on my own and haven’t had rent to pay, but we earn about the same. I realise I won’t have rights if I move in with him on if we split but isn’t the cheap rent massively worth that anyway? Just curious

I’d say you pay for the sofa and the storage because this is stuff you want and need and you go halves on the bed.

the agreement is you store his old bed and should you split you take sofa, storage and new bed and he reverts to old.

At least if it goes pear- shaped you get to keep them...

I've seen plenty of threads where a fella moves in, saves money in doing so, but objects to paying specifically for the costs he's adding to the existing household.

Usually there's a lot more occurrences of "cocklodger" in those replies, so clearly I'm missing something here.

If it goes pear shaped and he says she can’t have the things OP will have little recourse.

Maybe it’s that he wants a new bed but wants to pay 100% of the cost.

Not fair if he wants a bigger bed and IF you're happy with the current one to expect you to pay

But he is happy with his current bed. It's just not big enough for him to be comfortable with 2 people in it.

Calculate how much you will be saving by working out what you would pay if you weren't benefitting fom cheaper rent.

Put that money into a savings account. Something long term. Something you need to give notice to access so you don't dip into it. Hoard it and it will be there as your security in the future.

Because her moving in means a bigger bed is needed. If he can store his bed somewhere, that makes better sense. If they go halves on a new bed, do they cut it in half when she moves out? Do they go top and bottom, or right and left side?

@ScofieldMs whose idea was it for you to move in?

I agree with this.

I think this sounds completely fair. You're moving in with him, the cost savings should be shared and he's already mostly furnished the flat. Do you have any idea how much it costs to furnish somewhere from scratch? Not just furniture but all the annoying little things from crockery and cutlery to bedside lamps.

Also, if you move out, you can take your stuff with you. Although possibly not if he's contributed to the cost by selling his furniture. I note that when SIL broke up with her ex, she had paid for 90% of everything. There were three items that they had split the cost of.... you guessed it, he had a complete meltdown about those three items. It would have been better if they'd just paid for everythign separately all along.

You are benefiting from a hugely reduced rent by moving in with him.

I see this as being a reasonable request therefore.

Would you prefer to be asked to pay market rate for the rent? That really would be a shitty thing for him to request!

But if you split up would you want to keep the bed? Its a bit strange to be honest because it was your bed as a couple.

Surely it would be better for him to go halves on the bed and then he keeps it when OP moves out?

It sounds like he wants cheaper rent and new furniture. But I think that lack of sleep will cause real problems. Also, the differing 'cuddling' preferences.

I wouldn't buy new furniture until you've trialled living there a couple of months, at least

Sounds fair enough to me. You’re getting a steal on the rent because of his HIS family, you’ve not been paying any rent, whereas he has. You earn the same, so this kind of evens things up. And if you split up, it’s all yours. Personally I’d rather this arrangement because that gives you final say on what stuff to buy. If ever my DH says ‘We’re not buying that expensive John Lewis sofa, let’s get a cheap one from IKEA’ I reply ‘I’ll pay so you just wind your neck in.’ You’re getting cheap rent, but it allows you to spend on nice things. It’s a win, win.

How does he know OP won't seek her half of the cost back when she does? This is cleaner.

Haven’t read the full thread but I would consider if you’re having to give up a place where you’re settled to move in with him and the costs you’d accrue if you had to move out again if it didn’t work. Would you get all those items back since they’re yours? It doesn’t seem like he’s entering into the partnership with an “us” mentality but still very much a “yours and mine” one… could indicate issues may arise down the track. How will other costs be shared? Bills, food etc? Car/s? What about the division of shared household tasks/ labour? Some uncomfortable but necessary discussions need to happen beforehand to understand whether you have a shared vision on this move and future plans or not. This is the time to have them as you’ll be at a disadvantage once you’re moved in as its “his” place and will need to feel like it’s jointly yours. Wish I’d known this before cohabitating! Don’t assume anything, get explicit clarification.