to think my boyfriend is being unreasonable to expect me to pay for new furniture when I move in with him?

[ScofieldMs]

My boyfriend has a flat that’s rented from a family member so his rent is about half the market value and when I move in, we will split it, so I am very fortunate to be getting very cheap rent for the place I’ll be living in! He spent about 7k to decorate and furnish it when he moved in though as he was left with it left how the last tenants left it and it was the agreement he had with his family. He likes a lot of space when sleeping and has said we will need a bigger bed (I admit I’m a bit of a roller in the night and can end up basically on him and he isn’t a fan of being super close when sleeping etc etc but that’s a whole different thing) so we will need a bigger bed and he has basically said I can pay for it. I assumed we would go 50/50? We will also need some more stuff for the kitchen and bedroom storage and honestly a bigger sofa as he has a 2 seater and it’s really not great for 2 people cuddling or whatever. He has said yeah that’s fine as long as I fund it. Surely it should be 50/50? He says he spent a lot furnishing it when he moved there and then to get new stuff his original stuff will be going and so seems fair that’s my contribution, especially as everywhere else is “already furnished for me” so he’s kind of acting like it’s quite lucky those are the only expenses I have to pay although to be honest, I don’t see it as that lucky as surely you’d have split everything so me paying solo for a bed, bedroom storage and even a sofa is going to end up probably the same as going half on everything anyway! Am I being unfair here? I think he wants me to have a contribution to moving in but I’ll obviously be splitting the rent and bills. Also, is the fact I’m getting cheap rent really something I should also be feeling like his family is doing me a favour? I definitely see it that way, I’m not trying to be ungrateful at all but he has also said “you’re getting cheap rent too, so it’s only fair” but he’s also getting cheap rent? I’m just paying half what his rent is! As I say, I might be sounding a bit harsh about him right now as I am a bit annoyed but I can’t tell if it’s unreasonable for me to have to solo buy those things in this specific scenario?

We could talk all round the houses about who earns what/who’s going to do more housework/why you should split costs, but for me what it boils down to is that the sentiment in this scenario should be ‘Yay, we get to live together!’ Instead, he seems to think he’s doing you a big favour ‘letting’ you move in, and it’s becoming a case of bargaining/working out who pays for what, like a business deal.

I think you should run like the wind.

I'd say if you want it you pay but make it clear that you own it & it'll be taken with you if you's seperate ect.

Welcome to your future life

He's not a keeper. Sack him off.

Don't get pregnant.

He's the kind of twit that will want you to pay half the bills when you're on Mat Leave or working PT.

I don't think he's being U. A bit tight (may because he is broke) but not U. The need for a bigger bed is due to your moving in. You want the sofa. He has paid for everything else (which you will use/benefit from). I would pay for those. And make sure you have some savings out of the money you are saving on rent in case you need to move out (as others have pointed out you will not be a tenant therefore will not get any notice if kicked out if you split. I don't think you're at all being exploited financially - sounds like a good deal in fact - but you need to make provision for this scenario).

I actually don't think you're being fair. You say you're happy with the bed becuase you're happy taking his space, would you be happy with the bed if you were restricted to using only half of the bed? He needs a bigger bed because you take too much of it

I agree with this. Sleeping in a small double with someone who wanted to snuggle all night long would drive me insane. Even in the first flush of romance with dh we soon discovered we both needed more space to sleep.

If OP moving in is going to mean he has to give up all hope of a decent night's sleep, why should he buy her a bed? It's lose/lose.

Do you like a woman to be a woman then and have meals on the table and prepared to give sex on tap?
What shite is this man being a man thing?

But when/if they split and she moves out, let’s face it, he will likely be keeping the furniture unless she wants the hassle of taking it all out and that’s if it will even fit with wherever she ends up, so he ends up with a bigger bed and a bigger sofa which is no skin off his nose since they’ve already been there for however long OP lives there and mean he doesn’t have to replace if someone else moves in. By making OP buy furniture for a flat she has no rights to, he’s the one getting most of the benefit.

If she tries to take it out of the flat, cue him complaining she can’t take it as he will have no furniture! 🤣

But you make it sound like she's moving in against his will or something. One has to assume that he WANTS his girlfriend to come and live with him – in which case why is he being so grudging and money-focused?

He's probably skint from furnishing the whole flat and doesn't have the money to go around buying new sofas etc.
I think it's fair that you share in the furnishing of the place by buying this stuff. You are benefitting from all the other stuff he has already bought and from very cheap rent.

You sound tight and entitled.

@MarkWithaC

But you make it sound like she's moving in against his will or something. One has to assume that he WANTS his girlfriend to come and live with him – in which case why is he being so grudging and money-focused?
Why is the OP being so grudging and money focused?

She's benefitting from an otherwise furnished flat that he paid for and cheap rent. How much more does he have to bring to the table? It's surely now fair that she brings a fair share

Have you really thought this through? Because this is not usually the time for one person to be demanding bed upgrades at your expense because you disturb their sleep. What happens if the larger bed doesn’t work? Although you might be glad of a larger sofa if he tells you you have to sleep on it.

It all sounds so businesslike. Will he have a little notebook where he writes down who paid for the last takeaway and how long you’ve spent in the shower each day? Will you tell him that you’re not paying for tea bags because you drink coffee? I’m all for taking care of yourself financially but if both of you are going to feel resentful because of the other not paying for half/everything then you’re storing up trouble for the future.

You’re not moving in together. You’re moving in with him. Two very different things. Everything is his and set up the way he likes it. You break up with him in a month and you’ll be out on your ear that same day with nothing but your suitcase. Legally, you have less rights than a lodger, except he doesn’t get to have sex with a lodger. You’re putting yourself in a very precarious position and it doesn’t sound like your different attitudes towards finances are going to help matters.

She isn't. She just thinks that if you move in with a partner you should share things.
When my DP and I moved in together, he was earning a lot more than me. I paid for what I could, he paid the lion's share. He never resented that; his attitude was, when things are going well for one of us, we should both benefit.

Years down the line, things have changed and I'm the bigger earner by quite a bit, so now I pay for more. I don't resent it either. We're a team.

Stay where you are

But OP also says he wants the bigger bed, she is happy with the existing bed. He has suggested a separate bed for OP but not sure that’s a serious proposal. How would it work? Would another bed fit in the room? Would it be 2 double beds? 1 double and 1 single? Who gets the double bed?

This is a big step for you financially in that you have not been paying rent before so will now be adjusting to that new reality. Your boyfriend has been spending money both on doing up the flat and on paying rent, albeit reduced, which means that he isn't exactly flush at the moment and certainly doesn't feel it.

For you to immediately start spending on big furniture items that you may or may not own in the event of a split (because he might dispute that if he has no furniture if you take yours away and you have no written legal agreement) is not a good idea. Furniture is a massive expense and it's an encumbrance, to be set against the attraction of moving to a flat with a low rent, which is tempting - and I imagine is part of the motivation for moving, for both of you.

Therefore you should take some time, say six months to a year, without moving in, to allow his financial position to recover, while you save money towards your future and see whether the relationship progresses in harmony and whether you both feel it is a long-term future prospect that you want to take to the next step of living together.

Even if you do move in now, don't commit to spending any money on big items for at least six months, to allow you to adjust to paying rent and bills - and him to benefit from the shared rent and bills - and see what it is like living together and whether you want to continue with it as a serious commitment.

@ScofieldMs is the council tax, electricity, gas, water rates included in the rent. If not you'll have to pay half of that.

@MarkWithaC
Yes. SHARE. Not he pays more than her.
He has already paid for the entire flat of furniture. OP also says she has more money than him due to him flatting and having PAID FOR AN ENTIRE FLAT OF FURNITURE that presumably the OP will merrily use.

Perhaps it's now time for the OP to SHARE the expenses of living together by buying a bed and sofa.

You mean they should factor in all the things he paid for before he even met the OP or they decided to cohabit?

Should DP and I have gone through everything we brought to our first shared flat before we moved in, and worked out on that basis what the share was to be?
IIRC, I brought duvets and covers with me. DP brought a bedroom chair. I had a moka maker, which he 'merrily used' once we moved in; he brought his doormat and I 'merrily used' that. Oh God, maybe one of us paid an unfair share!

I can see this turning into “I paid for everything on the flat originally so you can pay for everything else”.
But he bought the original furniture when he moved in on his own, he didn’t buy it for both of you. Going forward, anything bought for both of you should be bought jointly. IMO.
I wouldn’t like someone telling me I have to foot the bill for a large item I don’t even want!
He sounds stingy and this isn’t a promising start.

I wouldn’t like someone telling me I have to foot the bill for a large item I don’t even want!

Nor would most people - or 50% of it. My bloke moved into my place. If he’d started demanding new furniture I’d have told him to buy it.

He wants a new bed because OP rolls on top of him in the night and wakes him up!

Facebook marketplace. Get free stuff for now and if he doesn't like it he can replace it.

@ScofieldMs

You want it, you pay for it. He wants it, he pays for it. But whoever pays for anything gets to choose the item and get to take it with them in the event of a split