to think my boyfriend is being unreasonable to expect me to pay for new furniture when I move in with him?

[ScofieldMs]

My boyfriend has a flat that’s rented from a family member so his rent is about half the market value and when I move in, we will split it, so I am very fortunate to be getting very cheap rent for the place I’ll be living in! He spent about 7k to decorate and furnish it when he moved in though as he was left with it left how the last tenants left it and it was the agreement he had with his family. He likes a lot of space when sleeping and has said we will need a bigger bed (I admit I’m a bit of a roller in the night and can end up basically on him and he isn’t a fan of being super close when sleeping etc etc but that’s a whole different thing) so we will need a bigger bed and he has basically said I can pay for it. I assumed we would go 50/50? We will also need some more stuff for the kitchen and bedroom storage and honestly a bigger sofa as he has a 2 seater and it’s really not great for 2 people cuddling or whatever. He has said yeah that’s fine as long as I fund it. Surely it should be 50/50? He says he spent a lot furnishing it when he moved there and then to get new stuff his original stuff will be going and so seems fair that’s my contribution, especially as everywhere else is “already furnished for me” so he’s kind of acting like it’s quite lucky those are the only expenses I have to pay although to be honest, I don’t see it as that lucky as surely you’d have split everything so me paying solo for a bed, bedroom storage and even a sofa is going to end up probably the same as going half on everything anyway! Am I being unfair here? I think he wants me to have a contribution to moving in but I’ll obviously be splitting the rent and bills. Also, is the fact I’m getting cheap rent really something I should also be feeling like his family is doing me a favour? I definitely see it that way, I’m not trying to be ungrateful at all but he has also said “you’re getting cheap rent too, so it’s only fair” but he’s also getting cheap rent? I’m just paying half what his rent is! As I say, I might be sounding a bit harsh about him right now as I am a bit annoyed but I can’t tell if it’s unreasonable for me to have to solo buy those things in this specific scenario?

I brought my own furniture when I moved in with dp, though they said we are still using the 2 seat cheap sofa he bought 4 years on (room shape wasn't suitable for my old ones). If you want to change what he has you pay

Where does it say the flat is newly decorated? The OP says he decorated it when he moved in but that could have been years ago

I think it's reasonable for both parties to contribute to the furnishings and fit out of a home they share.

If he has already spent a significant amount of money setting this home up, before you were on the scene / moving in together was a possibility, it muddies the water somewhat.

I would approach it from a much more practical pov. As PP have said, going halves on expensive purchases is a nightmare if you split up. It's much better for one person to buy something outright, and another person to buy other things outright, with it working out roughly equal in terms of what you each spend. This way if you split up, to take an example, the sofa is "wholly yours". He can either buy it off you, based on what similar items go for second hand, you can take it with you to your new home, or you can sell it. "Half owning" an object is complicated.

On that basis, I'd then start from a bottom up budget approach. What are you happy to spend on the home, and where do you want to prioritise spending that money. As long as he's happy with that plan (ie you don't want to spend money replacing an item that has sentimental value to him etc), you can go for it. If you split up then you can apply the above thinking to whatever you've contributed.

Agree with this.

I think he is being reasonable. He has spent 7k kitting out the place and you will now benefit from that.

The new stuff is entirely to accommodate you moving in, so it's right that you should pay for it.

Of course, keep all receipts somewhere safe. Take a photo of them and email to yourself and keep in a dedicated folder somewhere. Should you break up you have the proof that you are the owner.

Neither of you really sound ready for this, to be honest. He sounds resentful that he might incur any expenses from moving in a partner. You sound resentful of being reminded about the cheap rent - your attitude comes across as “Well it’s your family making it cheap, not you - why should I feel grateful to you?” You’re already feeling defensive about it; what will you do if he uses it as justification for not topping up a joint account for bills (for example)?

This sounds like a lot of arguing and resentment waiting to happen, to be frank.

Broadly speaking, I think you buying specific things and him buying others makes sense and keeps it cleaner should this relationship not work out.

But there is a bigger issue here about finances. On th eone hand, you're getting a massive drop in rent because you're a) paying half and b) it's half of an already low rent so I actually agree with him that buying a few pieces of furniture isnt a big deal. BUT at the same time, is he going to throw this in your face constantly? eg
"No, you must pay for all the shopping becuase you're getting such a cheap deal on rent".
"You don't get a say on how we decorate because you're paying such a cheap rent and my family are doing you a favour" etc etc.

THAT would be my concern based on this.

Its better you buy them because that means you can take them all with you when/if you split up.

Keep receipts.

In 24 years of marriage we haven’t split the cost of a single piece of furniture. I bought our bed, he bought one of the sofas, I bought the other two. Every expense doesn’t need to be shared. If you want a new sofa you should pay for it, if he wants a bigger bed he should. As numerous pp have said, it makes life a lot simpler if you split up.

Don’t move in.

It's a tricky one, I think as you take the bigger step of commiting to each other by living together it's the perfect time to see where your priorities are on key subjects before you move in then you can evaluate whether this really is a good choice. Have a discussion on what the two of you would expect to happen if you should unexpectedly become pregnant / redundant / one of you becomes ill and can't cover expenses etc and see if you match on expectations. If you have several areas,like buying of furniture where you aren't compatible then it's time to go your separate ways or at least to continue living separately.

Is it the right time to move in together?
Is he ‘the one’?

He sounds more £-orientated than loved up?

Really bad sign. Don’t move in.

Looking at this another way - don't you want some of your stuff in the flat? Otherwise it's more like you're just becoming his lodger.

From his perspective he's bringing all the furniture (and also incidental things like crockery, cutlery etc??) to the relationship and you are bringing nothing but yourself.

Don’t buy anything you couldn’t take with you if you split. And keep receipts for anything you do buy. As for the bed, HE wants a bigger bed therefore he can pay for it. If you split, you’ll be the one having to move out and you’ll be lumbered with having to buy another bed.

The reduced rent because it’s his parents’ flat is neither here nor there. They’re not doing you a favour, they’re doing HIM a favour! He should not be using this as any kind of leverage to get you to pay more for other things. I would be rethinking moving in with him at all if this is his attitude.

Think of it like this. When you split up because you will by the sounds of it you can take those things because they’re 100% yours and to your taste 🤷‍♀️ Just keep the receipts. Or, easier still, don’t buy them and dump him now.

Of course the other advantage to paying for furniture is that you get to choose it.

I think you should pay for the extra furniture. But it remains yours if you split up. You are getting the flat at a discounted rate and he has already spent his own money on buying things. But if you aren't agreeing on this it doesn't look very promising for the future.

@ScofieldMs

You are right

You both equal financial foot costs of purchasing as a couple..

So tell h8m quit the whining 🙄

Or
Is it better 🤔 to listen to his kind of attitude and reflect,
does this tell you the kind of person is in bigger picture kind of way ect?

An act accordingly
Is he really the type of man you want to move into with and continue relationship with then?

The bed is a difficult one because I don't like being close to someone when I am asleep either.

You are the roller, so I think this should be paid 50:50, but the problem is who keeps it if you split up?

The other things you should pay for and keep them if you split up.

I think this all sounds like hard work, considering you haven't even moved in together yet!

Relationships involve shared values and compromise. If you're disagreeing now, what is going to happen when you need to manage actual problems further down the line?

I would probably take this as a prompt to re-evaluate your relationship and decide if moving in together is really the best thing to do right now.

At least when (not if) you split up you’ll know what’s yours to keep.

It may be an unpopular opinion but he's furnished the property already, the furnishings are already there for your use, if some of them will no longer be suitable that is because you are moving in. If you don't move in, they will still be suitable.

I think you should pay for them, and if it doesn't work out, they're yours to take with you. His contribution to household items will stay.

I don't think he's being all that unreasonable. I too need my own bed and having to share it would ruin my sleep. Considering OP hasn't had to fork out for set up costs and will be paying a tiny rent, in her position I would insist on paying for the things it cost me to move into a ready made home.

Good point, though maybe not one I'd use in discussion with him. If you're happy with the current bed then you can say if he wants a bigger one he can get it and you'll get the bigger couch because you want more space there. Not fair if he wants a bigger bed and IF you're happy with the current one to expect you to pay.