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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents of only children are selfish

206 replies

Zara7 · 16/04/2024 12:29

I've just had a very interesting discussion with a 24 year old only child which sadly ended in tears. She said, she's upset her parents didn't have any more children because she grew up feeling very lonely. She's also very upset that she'll never be an aunt and her kids will not have first cousins.

I have not considered any of this and the conversation has really got me thinking as I am a parent to an only child (6 yo DD). I would've loved to have had another child but divorce happened and ex was/is a shit dad. Although, I'm 30 and have time to meet someone and start a family, but I really love my new-found independence now that DD is older, financial freedom and job. I don't want to have give up any of it up.

I feel selfish and inconsiderate of DD's future and feelings.

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 16/04/2024 12:30

Even if she had a sibling she may not be an aunt or her children have cousins

Alchemistress · 16/04/2024 12:30

Well I'm an only child and I never felt that way and still don't. So horses for courses.

Namerchanger1 · 16/04/2024 12:31

Why do you (or any only children) think they’d be happier with siblings? So many siblings I know grow up fighting, arguing and aren’t close as adults at all

countrygirl99 · 16/04/2024 12:32

I'll lend her one of my brothers. She'll end up delighted she's an only.

Alchemistress · 16/04/2024 12:32

I know plenty of siblings who barely talk to each other. Also with a six year gap and counting, were you to have another child, the reality of them being the sort of siblings who play together is slim.

CeraveFoam · 16/04/2024 12:32

I think that’s a very unusual response from the person you spoke to and suspect there may be other issues at play.

There are pros and cons to being an only child, just as there are by pros and cons to having siblings, and very little way of knowing how the choice will affect the child you have. I don’t think either choice is selfish at all- you just do your best in the light of your circumstances and preferences at the time.

Lanawashington · 16/04/2024 12:32

Absolutely not. DH is an only child and was/is absolutely fine. I had a sibling, he was vile and abusive to me the whole time we were growing up. Just because you have more than one child, that doesn't guarantee that they will get on. My childhood was extremely difficult and I would have much rather been an only child

SecondHandFurniture · 16/04/2024 12:32

She can be an aunt if she meets a partner with siblings who have children.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 16/04/2024 12:33

We are unlikely to have a second child due to medical complications despite very much wanting one. I'd hate to think on top of that my son would regard us as selfish for not giving him a sibling.

ButterflyKu · 16/04/2024 12:33

That’s ridiculous. Many people stop at one due to financial reasons or personal circumstances. I can’t see how being responsible can be considered selfish at all

Bigminnie1 · 16/04/2024 12:33

Only child here with an only child (couldn't have anymore).
I am an aunty to my DH sister's kids. My DD is a first cousin to my niece and nephew.
Both me and my daughter have tons of friends and are very happy.
DD also gets a lot more financially and our lifestyle is much better than if I had been able to have more kids. As was mine.

Pigeonqueen · 16/04/2024 12:33

Not every only child feels like this. I’m an only child and I am so glad I don’t have any siblings. I am very introverted and like my own space, and I haven’t ever wanted any extended family etc.

Katiesaidthat · 16/04/2024 12:34

Two of my ex boyfriends really wished they were an only child, they couldn´t stand their brothers.
I will never have nephews and nieces, my brother doesn´t have kids, neither does my husband´s brother and sister. Life is life.
My daughter says she would like a sister but it has to be one her own age, not some baby that doesn´t play...

RadoxMoon · 16/04/2024 12:34

She's also very upset that she'll never be an aunt and her kids will not have first cousins

Surely that depends on whether her partner has siblings and they have children?

People have the number of children they can have and / or what works for them. There really isn’t a perfect family size.

I’m an only child. My parents would have ideally liked more children but it didn’t happen for them. Seeing some of the drama people have with siblings I am very happy to be an only child!

UnbelievableLie · 16/04/2024 12:34

I don't know anyone with siblings who has a great relationship with them. Some tolerate each other and get together for family occasions but none that are super close and 'good friends'.

PinkPink1 · 16/04/2024 12:34

My daughter is still a baby but I'm still traumatised by how difficult pregnancy was. Labour was extremely long and postpartum recovery was tough too. I always envisioned having two children but I'm not sure now. I'm in my 20s so I still have some time. I know childcare is expensive nowadays.

Is this woman a mother yet? Let's see if she copes with more than one difficult pregnancy and whether she can work full time and afford childcare.

mindutopia · 16/04/2024 12:34

I'm an only child and definitely never felt the desire for a sibling. Actually, I do have a half brother (16 years old than me, never raised by my dad) and I haven't spoken to him in 25 years and almost forget he exists.

My family is plenty dysfunctional and my parents did not have a happy marriage. I'm grateful there is only one of me. Life would be a lot more tricky now if I had a sibling.

I did have 2 children, because I wanted to be a parent to 2 children, not because I wanted them to have a sibling. As it is, my dc will never have cousins as BIL (who dh is close to) and his partner are childfree by choice, so still the only children in the family. They may or may not ever have children themselves, so no guarantee either will be an uncle/aunt.

ncforthisone345 · 16/04/2024 12:34

She can be an aunt if she meets a partner with children

Exactly this. I don't have children but my brother is a very close uncle to his nieces and nephews through marriage.

There are a lot worse problems to have in childhood than not having a sibling and there are a lot of advantages to being an only child. The 24 year old needs to get a grip.

PinkPink1 · 16/04/2024 12:35

FiveGoMadInDorset · 16/04/2024 12:30

Even if she had a sibling she may not be an aunt or her children have cousins

Exactly. My mum isn't an auntie and she has lots of siblings.

Caffeineneedednow · 16/04/2024 12:35

My brother bullied me and made my life a living hell. Me and my sister fought constantly. My sister who now get on with lives the other side of the world so my preschool kids have never met their cousins. My brother has sons but as I have little to no relationship with him I rarely see them.
My friend was raped by her brother when she was in late primary.

My point is having a sibling doesn't automatically mean instant friendship / companionship. Bigger families can come with issues. There is no right size.

Also if your daughter is now 6 and you have a subsequent child that is a big age difference. There is a big age gap between DSS and his brothers and it makes family days very difficult so we mostly end with DP doing something with Dss and me doing something with the younger ones.

Original poster
Zara7 · 16/04/2024 12:35

I have 2 siblings whom I'm very close with. We see each other often and love doing things together. I feel DD will be deprived of important relationships.😔

OP posts:
CatamaranViper · 16/04/2024 12:35

My best friend is an only child. She's an honorary auntie to about 5 different people. She collects my DS from school one day a week and has a very close bond with him.

My DH has 4 siblings and none of them have kids. 2 of them we only see once or twice a year.

My DS is an only child. I feel absolutely no guilt. If he wasn't we couldn't afford to have the life we do.

BelindaOkra · 16/04/2024 12:35

I’m an only, never felt that way. I have three - they’re pretty close (very different though) but know plenty of siblings who have very difficult relationships. No guarantees ever

Pennyandolive · 16/04/2024 12:36

Not selfish at all. Different family set ups work for different people. And some people experience secondary infertility and just can’t have a sibling for their firstborn. Some people find that having one child is all that they want and that’s fine too.
Speaking from experience here that having a sibling isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be. I have nephews I’ve never met. Not through want or trying but because DB has gone NC with me (complicated back story and all thanks to a narc mother who played us off each other). It makes me really sad that I don’t see them and I miss DB who I still love dearly and it hurts. So you aren’t guaranteed a super close sibling or family bond.
i know only children who have loved being the only child and have gone on to have only one themselves. It’s such a unique decision for every family.

MrsO3 · 16/04/2024 12:36

There are pro’s and con’s to both. I’ve got 2 sisters and I love them both dearly, we are close and I have great childhood memories of growing up with them; the giggly late night chats, making ‘potions’ in the garden together with flowers and water, always having a ‘play mate’ etc etc.
There are plenty other people who have siblings and they have done nothing but argue like cat and dog. Or they grow apart as they get older, fall out, don’t get on etc etc.
I know people who are an only child who wish they did have sibling’s and I also know people who are an only child and they loved their childhood as it was.
It really is swings and roundabouts IMO.