To think parents of only children are selfish

[Zara7]

I've just had a very interesting discussion with a 24 year old only child which sadly ended in tears. She said, she's upset her parents didn't have any more children because she grew up feeling very lonely. She's also very upset that she'll never be an aunt and her kids will not have first cousins.

I have not considered any of this and the conversation has really got me thinking as I am a parent to an only child (6 yo DD). I would've loved to have had another child but divorce happened and ex was/is a shit dad. Although, I'm 30 and have time to meet someone and start a family, but I really love my new-found independence now that DD is older, financial freedom and job. I don't want to have give up any of it up.

I feel selfish and inconsiderate of DD's future and feelings.

I grew up in a very poor family. My parents basically had too many children. They couldn’t afford what we all needed. It was very miserable at times. My mother went back to work as soon as she could. I looked after my siblings after school and in the school holidays. Often there was very little food in the house and my siblings would be upset. I had to start doing this from about the age of nine. It did teach me how to make a meal out of very little! It badly affected my relationship with my siblings for a long time. I also wasn’t really allowed a childhood. I used to long to be an only child. We get on OK now but live our own lives. I think if the person you were speaking to OP had grown up in those sort of circumstances she would be glad to be an only. I only had one child as my EXH was abusive and by the time I met my now decent DH I was too old to have any more children. The upside to this is I hope I gave my child a very happy childhood and I have been able to help him lots as an adult. He has certainly never complained about being an only child.

Why? Two isn't that many and you are replacing yourself and your partner.

Most only children don’t have a problem with being an only child, unless someone else makes an issue of it…

Frankly, she sounds like a whinger. There are positives and negatives to everything. She would have had her parents' undivided attention, probably more stuff would have been in their reach financially with only one, she'll inherit anything they leave etc.

Even with a sibling, there is no guarantee that you'll be an aunty or your kids will have cousins. And with the whiny attitude of the person you spoke to - if she had siblings, they probably wouldn't want to see much of her anyway.

The only selfish person here is the 24 year old you were speaking to, in thinking that her parents and then any future siblings should have to have children purely for HER benefit!

I'm an only child, my mum had to have fertility treatment so a sibling would have been unlikely anyway - then my dad died when I was young. I don't think my mum is selfish for that!

There are pros and cons to being an only child, just as there are by pros and cons to having siblings, and very little way of knowing how the choice will affect the child you have.

I came on to make this point, but @CeraveFoam has done it perfectly.

I’m an only child, which I’ve found increasingly difficult as I’ve got older. I’d have liked to have siblings with whom I got on really well and to have had those meaningful relationships. My friend has a brother, which she’s found increasingly difficult as she’s got older and would also have liked to have had siblings with whom she got on really well and to have had those meaningful relationships. There are no guarantees. And the word “selfish” is constantly bandied about on here; selfish to have one child. Selfish to have loads of kids. Selfish to be an older parent, a younger parent, a single parent. People’s lives and circumstances are different and they generally make the best choices for themselves based on those.

I have six siblings and I sometimes wish I was an only.

My daughter is an only child and is a happy, healthy and well adjusted human being who does not resent me for not "giving her a sibling". So no I was not selfish to stop at one.

I'm an only child. I have alot of cousins and other close family. I'd have been very very lonely without them all.

Yes to this. I have lots of siblings and we do not see each other hardly at all. I have two cousins who are only children. For one cousin, my aunt and uncle could not have more (aunt had emergency hysterectomy straight after child birth). I honestly think it isn't selfish to have one child. Each to their own. Both cousins have loads of friends and are lovely people.

My daughter never had any concerns about being an only child and she often said thst she was glad she didn't have brothers or sisters. We made a conscious decision to only have one child because we couldn't afford a second one. It was a real struggle to afford for me to be a stay at home mum for several years when our daughter was very young and we went without holidays, cars, new clothes etc, and it would have been hard to have afforded me not working for another long period.

I have a sibling that I’m not friends with, have never socialised with, has no children and that I see approx 4 times a year.

I doubt any only children are longing for that. It’s easy to romanticise what you don’t have.

Absolutely bloody not selfish! I hated my brother growing up and wished i was an only. We're ok now but live over an hour apart and our kids almost never see each other.
My husbands brother and cousins have kids and again we might see them 4 or 5 times a year.
My daughter is an inly an is very happy being so, she has no desire for a sibling and is certainly not lonely, has tonnes of friends and we make sure she has plenty of playdates.
Having a sibling does not guarantee they will have any kind of relationship or see any cousins they may end up with.
I take offence to being called selfish!

I don’t think they are selfish to only have one child.

But I do think it’s nice for children, in most cases, to have siblings to grow up with as they can form very unique and close relationships. I know that not all siblings get on and hated each other from Day Dot, but I think that is a small minority.

That girl quite obviously has MH problems and blaming it on her parents.

The vast majority of only children I know are incredibly charming, witty and all rounded people with a huge social circle. Not having siblings has absolutely no relation to how lonely you should be. Making friends and having a social life isn't something your parents, or siblings, owe you. Imagine being the sibling of someone so clingy that they expect you to keep them away from loneliness!

Family relationships are not necessarily more important than friends and others.
Some only children have lots of friends, some only a few close friends.
But they will be able to entertain themselves, be resilient and resourceful, and importantly, won't be on aibu asking if it's ok to go nc with a sibling.
So, silver linings in each scenario

I have a brother she can have? He hasn't spoken to me for over 5 years

My single child 41 year old son has always been very happy with the situation.

Ds is only child as is his wife
Both have cousins though.
They have both stated they have really benefited from all the attention and close relationships with their parents .Financially huge benefit as have already had inheritance to support life events and house buying.
My big regret is that he was an only child due to fertility issues and traumatic birth issues . I felt much better after that conversation with him .

I have to say your OP title got my blood boiling and it's a bit of a click bait - wish you titled it differently...

If that person had siblings, she might have cried to you for having had an absent parent, sick grandparent, difficult job... We all have our challenges in life and as a parent, as much as we would like to, we cannot create perfect circumstances throughout our child's life.

No one should have children they don't want, for any reason.

It always shocks me that criticism of parents who are "one and done" isn't seen as a women's rights issue- who is going to be bearing and birthing this unwanted second child which so many people think we should have? Not a man, that's for sure.

Have you read the huge number of threads on here that are about siblings who fucking hate each other?

Having a second child to be the first one's friend is a bloody daft reason to have a second child

I sympathise, as I felt that was myself as an only child (especially in a large extended family). But my dad was in an industrial accident when I was a baby and it wouldn’t have been practical or financially wise for my parents to have another. I imagine many other are similarly not-by-choice.
Conversely, I intentionally had more than one because of how I felt about being an only, and whilst they were never at each other’s throats, they aren’t close either - very different personalities/interests. So just do what’s right for you.

This young adult you spoke to needs to get her head out her arse a bit. It’s all very woe is me.

Her kids can still have cousins and she can still be an aunt! Her partner may have siblings!!
My kids have 12 first cousins and only 5 of them are on my side. I've been around for the birth of six of the seven kids on my husband's side and they are my neices and nephews as much as my own side.
She will also have friends kids to love and look after. Very few people object to their kids being giving genuine love by another adult.
Yes, you could have another but tbh it's going to be a big age gap and they're not going to be into the same things. I have a 4.5 year age gap between my two and I do struggle with days out and things as they're not into the same stuff.
And is there a possibility that her dad may have another?
Honestly though, I really wouldn't worry too much. It's not the be-all and end-all

The decision to have an only was taken out of my hands and yes I probably would have had another but couldn't. Am I selfish??? I don't think so as it was not intended.