To think parents of only children are selfish

[Zara7]

I've just had a very interesting discussion with a 24 year old only child which sadly ended in tears. She said, she's upset her parents didn't have any more children because she grew up feeling very lonely. She's also very upset that she'll never be an aunt and her kids will not have first cousins.

I have not considered any of this and the conversation has really got me thinking as I am a parent to an only child (6 yo DD). I would've loved to have had another child but divorce happened and ex was/is a shit dad. Although, I'm 30 and have time to meet someone and start a family, but I really love my new-found independence now that DD is older, financial freedom and job. I don't want to have give up any of it up.

I feel selfish and inconsiderate of DD's future and feelings.

Tbh sounds like there are many, many other variables at play here making that young woman feel depressed.

I have a sibling and will never be an auntie because my sister is strongly and definitively childfree and very happily single! Life has no guarantees for any of us.

My DC is sort of an only (there is a much older step sibling but they don’t live with us full time and the age gap means they aren’t playmates, even though my SDC is an absolutely wonderful sibling) and I do worry about this, but I know it’s silly.

Having a sibling won’t protect my DC from loneliness. Raising a kind, loyal, thoughtful, interesting adult with secure attachment and a loving family (blood or otherwise), no matter how big or small, IS protective though. You don’t need a sibling to do that.

Your daughter will be fine.

DH is an only child and hates it. His mother is in her 90s, and he's her only support.

I've got a sister but she lives in Australia. If and when our mum.deteriorates, it will be me doing all the donkey work.

This.

(Only daughter of an only son, and have an only daughter).

My mum (with siblings) always used to say thank God you can choose your friends seeing as you can't choose your family.

Dp is one of 6 and they're never all talking to each other and as his parents age, are they all taking equal turns? Are they fuck. But 3 of them are busy measuring the curtains and hinting at downsizing for their parents.

I feel similar but wasn't able to have more

I did say I was made to feel selfish in the comment and in the OP this: "I feel selfish and inconsiderate of DD's future and feelings."

Not sure where the problem is but as we say up north: If you don't like get on your bike and ride! Bye!✌

So many ‘unselfish’ reasons to stick at one so YABU

YABVU to condemn a whole set of families for their choices.

For every one person moaning they weren't a sibling and all that entails, you'll find another moaning that they were! Stop overthinking what your dd may or may not want in their future and concentrate on your own life.

Don't assume that because a child has siblings that they'll get on. I have a sister 8 years older. We've never been close. She has a chip on her shoulder about something - no idea what. She has lied continually and has not added anything to my life.

There are many reasons why people have only one child.

I went for NBU because you’re not being unreasonable to not want another child. I had five sons, they are aged 32 - 44 and only one of them has had kids of their own. So yes four of them are uncles but it doesn’t look like any of those four will be having kids now. So the one who has kids will never be an uncle. His kids won’t have cousins (their mum is an only child). Also I have two brothers but I had to deal with everything for our parents, both before and after they died. They were happy to take their share of the money though. So I wish I had been an only child because my brothers were no help at all and I would have got everything. So don’t feel guilty you might be doing your child a favour.

Thank you so much everyone! 💐
I'm reading through all your posts.

My DD is an only. It's not what I would have chosen but it is what it is.

I both am and am not an only - only child of my birth parents but had much older siblings within the family who brought me up, but they left home when I was still very young so I grew up kind of as an 'only', though also almost alongside nieces/nephews once the oldest sibling had children of their own.

Either way, I definitely remember being lonely at times and not necessarily wanting that for any children I had of my own. But we are where we are. I also think it served me well in some ways, and am sure it will my DD. She's also a completely different kettle of fish to me as a child (or indeed now)- so outgoing and confident and always manages to find friends to play with wherever we go.

There are advantages for her too in terms of how much time, energy and money we can devote to her. I've found parenting harder than I anticipated and whilst I do believe I'm a good mum to DD, I don't think I could be AS good to two. With just the one I can also afford to stay part time at work, working around school (well school nursery at the moment) hours mostly so I'm really present for her the rest of the time.

There's apparently research out there that shows that the stereotypes about only children being more introverted or unable to share or whatever else just don't hold up, and I remember reading somewhere that only children actually tend to better in terms of academic success. No idea how robust that research was and to be honest I've not looked much further into it because whatever it says this is how our family is, and how it's staying so we just have to make the best of it.

While now I wish we'd had another the fact we didn't wasn't for selfish reasons. It just worked out that way.

This is the reason I was adament from the start that I only wanted two. My mum had five, with my step-sister there was six kids in the house at one point. It was too much for her and we all knew it and felt it.
I have more to give just two and not just financnailly, more of myself. And with one I had even more.

Thank you. I'm thinking too far ahead and of possible scenarios when I really shouldn't be.
I have good reasons as to why I've only had her. So do other parents of course.

You do not produce siblings to order
Sibling could be disabled or other issues
They may or may not get on

"Growing up lonely"
May not have been solved with a sibling
They should see a therapist work out why they feel that way

Everything about having or not having children is fundamentally selfish anyway. People generally make these decisions based on what they want 🤷‍♀️

This is definitely what you are doing. You don't knopw who else is going to come into your life. She will make new friends and fall in love one day. She may have a massive family of in-laws too. Every one is different and you don't know she is going to be like crying lady. In fact, crying lady really needs to stop putting so much blame on her parents and expand her circle a little bit.

Not as selfish as having more children than you can afford/have time for.
You see so many threads on here where a poster isn't coping with 2+ or 1 child is making life hell for other kids in the house etc, as my brother did.
Even if it was selfish I don't actually think there's anything wrong being selfish.
I am a good mum because I have one. If I had more I wouldn't be the patient calm mum I am.

My only child told me she feels quite enough by herself, so I needn’t worry about her being lonely.

She also closer to her cousin than he is to his sibling, who’s 10 years younger, so sibling is no guarantee of a close relationship.

The grass is always greener on the other side. People aren't happy in life just because they have siblings 😂 Jesus

A child grew up lonely, because those SELFISH PARENTS didnt give them a sibling? Boo fucking hoo. I'm sure some people have much bigger issues than this in their lives.

I'm sorry the little girl was lonely and all but reality check...!

Just to echo others, there is really no way to tell how it'll go. I have three siblings and we're all very close. DH has one brother just two years younger. They HATED each other as kids and now as adults have a perfunctory phone call on each others birthday. That's it.

My sisters both have only kids and both are extremely happy with a wide circle of friends (they're 15 years apart so no playing with cousins either 😅). DB has two but they're 10 years apart (different mums) so while there's love and affection the 16 year old is certainly not playing with her 6 year old sister!

She didn't reveal much about her childhood other than she felt lonely. She did say her mum is much older than her siblings and her first cousins are between the ages of 6 months to 5 years old.

I think it’s selfish. I hated being an only child. I had 16 cousins and all had brothers or sisters, I was the only one that didn’t have a sibling and I always felt like an outsider. I never had anyone to play with and grew up with shit social skills as a result

Oh I'm sorry you felt this way. Can I please ask at what age you started having these feelings?
DD is 6 and says she's happy as an only and for now doesn't want a sibling.

Around the age of 7 when I started to notice that all my cousins had siblings to play with and I went home to play by myself