To think parents of only children are selfish

[Zara7]

I've just had a very interesting discussion with a 24 year old only child which sadly ended in tears. She said, she's upset her parents didn't have any more children because she grew up feeling very lonely. She's also very upset that she'll never be an aunt and her kids will not have first cousins.

I have not considered any of this and the conversation has really got me thinking as I am a parent to an only child (6 yo DD). I would've loved to have had another child but divorce happened and ex was/is a shit dad. Although, I'm 30 and have time to meet someone and start a family, but I really love my new-found independence now that DD is older, financial freedom and job. I don't want to have give up any of it up.

I feel selfish and inconsiderate of DD's future and feelings.

OP, I had four DCs and I feel selfish for contributing to overpopulation! It's all part of mum guilt, I think!

My DD3 is 14 and has a friend who is an only child. They are really close and she loves going to her house!

You will have far more energy to raise your DC well than I had. She won't miss out, but comparison is the thief of joy.

Without meaning to sound like a cow, is this 24 year old ok? As getting upset to the point of tears about their lack of future nieces and or nephews and their own future children's lack of first cousins (although as others have pointed out neither of these are necessarily the case) is.....quite odd. I'd be wondering if there were some other issue going on, quite possibly connected to family, that was driving this. Or some sort of additional needs.

My teenaged DC has always expressed relief at being an only 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re not selfish. I’m sorry, but I’m rolling my eyes at the 24 year old. I’m an only; from what DM says, it wasn’t by design, but it wasn’t a source of upset to my parents that they didn’t have more.

I grew up just fine, if anything it made me a little too self-reliant when it comes to keeping myself entertained, perhaps siblings would have made me more outgoing. But who knows, it’s just the luck of the draw, and being in tears at 24 over this seems almost self-indulgent.

And as others have said, there are no guarantees you’ll get a sibling you even like, let along be close to. Again, it’s just luck of the draw.

I have a brother who was and is incredibly abusive. He has done nothing but hurt me and make me feel awful about myself. Only many years later have i realised how terrible it is and cut things off.
I have an only because I have health issues preventing any more. I think it would be lovely to have a sibling with whom you are close and loving but so often it doesn't work out that way.

How will she never have be an aunt or her children have no cousins? If she marries someone / has kids with someone then she’ll have their whole side of the family too. Sounds like a very dramatic 24 year old tbh.

YABU for being so rude too

Sadly.I'm not close to my brother or sister in law so we have nieces and a nephew who we just never see. Families come in all shapes and sizes. If you are happy having one child there is nothing selfish about that at all.

DD12 is an only child and constantly talks about how rubbish it would be to have a sibling - in fact she outright says "don't you dare have another kid" 🤣 (thankfully I'd sooner die than go back to the poonami and broken sleep stage, and not sure my body would allow it anyway)

She's happy not to have to share time, effort and money with another kid 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Only here. Perhaps there's more to it or its not about not having a sibling, perhaps issues with friends/partner or with a volatile parent and nobody to confide in/shouldering the burden alone (this is me). Tears simply for not having a sibling is a bit petulant. I know plenty of people who dislike or never speak to their siblings and have zero relationship as adults. DH has siblings and there's still the occasional outbreak of squabbling or brutal backhanded remarks although its much less violent than when they were DC apparently. But I have nieces and nephews via them so my DC have cousins, those relationships are exactly the same as they would be if they were the DC of my own siblings.

So true. I was an overwhelmed parent a lot of the time and I regretted having too many for me, many times!

Actually I do think this is one thing that has changed since I was growing up. There’s a lot more focus on “family time” and “my own little family” than there used to be.

Most of my friends had siblings, but there was never any issue finding people to do activities with. (Not that there was as much to do!) These days there seems less space to let kids do things away from the nuclear family.

In the past, I've asked DD if she'd like to have a sibling, the answer is always no.
Some of her friends tell she's lucky she doesn't have any as it means she can have the TV all to herself and doesn't have to fight about what to watch.😂
She feels very reassured by this.

I had a sibling, he died in his early 20s so now I’m an only child. He had no children so I’m not an aunt, and my children have no cousins.
I have more than one child, but one is quite severely disabled and is unlikely to ever live independently. I worry that when I’m gone, his siblings will have to care for him.
My point is that nothing is guaranteed in life. My parents didn’t plan for me to be an ‘only’, but I am. There is no guarantee that siblings will get along, or have a relationship with each other at all in adulthood. People should make their decisions based on their own circumstances and preferences, not based on hypothetical future situations.

Heavens, I really wouldn’t do this. Another child or not is a decision for you as adults not your daughter. Far too much to put onto a child.

I have an only child and understand the guilt, but mine is eased a little bit because our wider family is large and my son is growing up with lots of cousins, who he sees regularly.

As my username suggests I have health issues, which is a factor for why I only have one. And what I choose to do with my womb is nobody else's business.

I’m an only ‘child’ with no cousins and I’ve had a great upbringing with no resentment whatsoever towards my parents for not having more children to give me siblings. Maybe I’ll feel differently as I get older and my parents get older, but I’m currently in my 40s and have never wished for siblings.

You've been gaslit by an inconsiderate little shit. Be proud of yourself, everyone's circumstances are different and many people are only children. Many people are in unhappy big families and the rest.

I'm an only child and I was never lonely (or spoilt to cover off the other sweeping generalisation of only children).
I sometimes now wish there was someone around to help me with my parents as they age, but there is no guarantee that a sibling would be of any use.
My husband has siblings who he doesn't really have a lot to do with, so my children do have cousins on that side (and I am an aunt) but again, we don't have a lot to do with them.
I think the conversation you had was extreme!

I have two children. Due to the MH of one of them they have very little to do with each other. Their first cousins live hundreds of miles away and are either a decade older or younger.

So, having a sibling really doesn't necessarily make life better.

It’s not selfish to stick to the number of children you want and can cope with. A child is not a ‘gift’ to be provided to an existing child. I think in a lot of cases of unhappy only children the issue is with the parents being distant and/or not providing enough opportunities to socialise with other kids.

Does this 24 year old realise that her future children will have a father then there’s every chance they will have first cousins and she’ll be in an aunt.

My DD is an only child. Her children have five first cousins. And for what it’s worth I wouldn’t know my first cousins if they bit me on the arse. Couldn’t even tell you how many I have, much less name them.

I'm am only child and loved it! Never felt like I missed out and I'm in my 40s now and still don't. I'm perfectly happy.
I don't understand why someone would be upset they wouldn't be an aunt? A mother I understand. But an aunt is a weird one. Plus as others have said you can be an aunt by marriage. I am one myself.
Plus having siblings is no guarantee of being an aunt or uncle anyway. A friend of mine (in her 70s now) has 3 children who are all in their 50s now. Only one has a child. One didn't want any, one never met anyone to have kids with, and the last one could only afford one.
I myself haven't been able to have children. So even if I had a sibling if they were relying on me to give them a niece or nephew they'd have been disappointed.

YABU. It’s never even crossed my mind to think about being an aunt. Or your DD could have a sibling who they hate or lives in Australia.

The cousins thing is totally outside your control anyway. My husband and I have 8 siblings between us, so our children have 14 cousins. Our kids are nearly 18 and 20. 6 of their cousins are under 10 so they've never been able to play with them and 6 are over 30! There are 2 their age, but they didn't have a huge amount to do with them growing up and they've not got a lot in common really. I've got 18 cousins and none are really my friends. Don't worry about it, it's not a big issue at all.

I'd say she's a bit selfish. Not everyone can afford a second child or manage to have one. I have 2 but there is a very big age gap and I often feel like they're both only children. I'd have loved to have another closer in age but sadly all I managed was multiple miscarriages before I was too old to have any more

I know my 5 year old would love a sibling but what am I meant to do? Magic one up?