To think parents of only children are selfish

[Zara7]

I've just had a very interesting discussion with a 24 year old only child which sadly ended in tears. She said, she's upset her parents didn't have any more children because she grew up feeling very lonely. She's also very upset that she'll never be an aunt and her kids will not have first cousins.

I have not considered any of this and the conversation has really got me thinking as I am a parent to an only child (6 yo DD). I would've loved to have had another child but divorce happened and ex was/is a shit dad. Although, I'm 30 and have time to meet someone and start a family, but I really love my new-found independence now that DD is older, financial freedom and job. I don't want to have give up any of it up.

I feel selfish and inconsiderate of DD's future and feelings.

DH has a sister 17mo younger than him, they fought their entire childhoods and can barely tolerate each other as adults.

He then has a brother 8yo younger who as an adult he is incredibly close to. A big age gap doesn’t mean siblings can’t be close. After all siblings are adults together far longer than they are children together and 8 or so years isn’t a big deal between adults.

So having siblings is a complete gamble. If DH’s brother hadn’t come along as a happy surprise then DH would consider having a sibling as a nightmare.

Forgot to add - my parents have three siblings between them, none of whom had kids, so I have no first cousins. There are no guarantees anyone will end up with a particular family structure.

That’s a very unusual response and I’d also suspect the person has other issues, clearly something wrong in the family home and with social circle if they felt lonely

mines an only, she had and has a great friendship circle and never wanted a sibling.

I have a sibling and we are no contact, we also didn’t hang out together growing up. Very few do.

Even having siblings is no guarantee they will have cousins etc. My children have cousins on my husbands side but we don't see them as we are no contact (for very good reason). However I was an only child and whilst I never ever felt any sort of issue growing up, as an adult I really do. When my parents die, I am it - I will be left to deal with everything on my own. I have nothing and no one apart from my own family I created and that really makes me sad. My mum was an only child so I never had cousins or anything and I watched her deal with her parents deaths and it was soul destroying. I am glad my boys have each other. They may decide they don't get on when they are older, that is their choice, but I feel I have definitely done the right thing by having two. Its very personal though.

I'm one of 4 and have 2 cousins neither of which I've met since they live in NZ.

I do have two nieces but can't say being an aunt brings me anything more than being a parent (don't know if that's the wrong thing to say)?

Well, on the one hand, all parents are selfish because they tend to have children "because we want one", and for no other reason.
But this stuff about only children is bullshit, OP - lots of people despise their siblings, for a start.

I have a brother but no nieces or nephews and we were never friends growing up. My daughter has loads of first cousins from my ex-husband's side but they're not close. She would hate for me to have another child and for me to have to split my attention/money/time with someone else.

Did this woman know your situation op? If she did, then to say that was hugely unkind of her.

She is one person, who frankly seems spoilt, entitled and completely lacking in self awareness.

You are fine.

To think parents of only children are selfish

I get that this is a click bait title but it's very mean to people unable to have a second child.

I think I got the voting wrong! YANBU for having an only child.
I was a very happy and not at all lonely only. I had cousins (and they were a bit mean to me 😂)
Your niece's experience is hers alone. When you get on well with your subs it can be amazing. But it's not always like that! Most of the adults I know don't have that much contact with siblings and nieces/nephews.

I'm in a similar boat to you. I have a DD aged 6 (although I'm nearly 40). I do feel guilty sometimes about being OAD but I had my reasons.
I didn't have a 2nd child as my partner is unsupportive and shit and has been from day 1 which I've written about a few times on here. I believe one child is the best decision for us and I'm able to give her a better life that way.
She doesn't want a sibling and wants to turn the spare room into her play room 😊 she has loads of friends. Some of her best friends are only children too. We are always out doing something.

I'm not a big advocate for siblings though, my brother is a drug addict and my partners siblings are some of the most difficult people I've ever met.
Parents of only children aren't selfish. They are making an informed decision based on what is best for them and their families.
Your daughter sounds happy and content x

You heard the rantings of a self-centered person. That is all. Live your own life.

She is being very immature in blaming her parents. Ultimately, how many DC we have is our decision - no one should be pushed into having more. I gave a large gdp between my two - but we managed fine when they were younger and they get on well now at 23 & 16.

But - I wanted a second child and DH was ok with it. If I hadn’t wanted another, I would have stopped at one. No guilt.

My husband is not close at all with his brother, in fact they don’t speak at all and this is fairly standard among a lot of our friendship group. Most seem to communicate when/ if at their parents house or for family events. There’s a few with closer relationships but interestingly only same sex siblings (so there’s a luck of the draw). Those that aren’t outright not talking don’t have a close relationship but will maybe see siblings at weddings etc but very few actively socialise just as siblings and wouldn’t necessarily be “friends” if they weren’t related, or if they didn’t all now have kids.

I have an only one and feel he sees his cousins lots(my side - I have step brothers so grew up as an only child to a certain point) and has a close family relationship there, and we allow him to have friends over whenever he wants plus being an only one we can afford to do much more outside school clubs and activities so he’s definitely not socially deprived.

No one can know for sure what a sibling relationship will be or turn into. One of my best friends is very close with her sister but she appears an anomaly. Other friends currently have children close in age that have been fighting for years (currently 7&10) and sees no end in sight. Some got on until a point but the pre-teen years hit and they’re just very different kids and don’t want to be near each other. Maybe they’ll come together as adults, maybe not.

There’s no point beating yourself up over something you can’t know. Maybe you’d have a second and they’ll adore each other their whole life, maybe they’d have terrible competition with such an age gap. I just think have a second if you want one, not because you think your child needs a sibling.

YABVU to take one person's experience and apply it to all

I spent £30k trying to get pregnant with my first. If it makes me selfish not to wanting to spend anymore money trying for a second then that is your prerogative.

Good Lord, she needs to have a week trial with two siblings and then decide. Then have a fast forward to another week when she is 40 and important events have happened.

My brother and sister are vile, competitive and jealous people who I have hardly any contact with. When my parents die, they will have nothing to do with each other either.

My DD is so grateful she is an only child. She sees her friends with younger siblings and how awful it can be.
(Not always obvs.)

Goady much? I'm an only child and have never felt like that. Everyone is different. I'm also not an aunt - my partner does have a brother but they have no interest in having children (and they live at the other end of the country, so we're not close anyway).

Only children are very common nowadays, much more so than when I was a child in the 80s. A lot of my friends only have one child, and two at the most. They're are so many opportunities and clubs for children, there's no need for only children to be lonely.

Personally I always loved having a quiet house to come home to.

I'm one of five siblings and my children don't have cousins and I'm not an aunt, and no signs of that changing!

My partner is an only child and is not unhappy about it, didn't grow up lonely and doesn't feel he was missing out, had a really happy childhood. For a 24 year old to be so upset about it, there has to have been something else going on surely?

I actually think it is more selfish to have two or three.

Of course her children might have first cousins if her partner has siblings - and then she'd be an aunt too.
I don't know. I'm not dismissing her feelings but I know several adult only children who seem fine with it.

For some parents of one child it will be the most unselfish thing they have done not to bring a second child into the family unit. Because of health - physical and mental - because of finances, because if the time and attention that child needs.

The ONLY reason to have another child is because you really want another child and the family can support the extra challenges.

Life rarely goes to plan. Your thread title made me angry as I felt you were judging me but you are actually being unreasonably judgemental on yourself. I had a DC then a series of miscarriages before giving up and I would get the rage if anyone called me selfish for failing to provide DC with a sibling. You're in a similar position - although you may possibly still be fertile it's six years on and even if you did have another baby now your eldest will never have that close-relationship playing with eachother childhood that siblings get - by the time any new baby was able to play any kind of meaningful game your DD would be 9 or 10 and a lot less interested in playing with a toddler. And that's setting aside all the risks for both mother and baby in any pregnancy with an older mum. It's not a sensible idea to pursue just for the sake of creating a sibling for DD.

If your DD mentions this again just say "yes I would have loved having a second baby too but life didn't work out that way so let's just be joyful in the lovely family we've got rather than being sad about what we don't have"

Sounds like some wishful thinking and the grass is always greener on the other side! Does she have other things going on in her life that are causing problems?

My parents decided to provide me with a sibling as they were both onlies and wished they'd had siblings so they wouldn't be lonely and had someone to share elderly care with. I've never got on with my brother, it's still lonely when the only person to play with is someone you don't like and you don't share interests. And he's got no interest in being involved in care of elderly parents! We see each other about once a year and otherwise don't interact.

Of course it's not selfish to have just one child. It's a rational decision based on health, finances, practicalities. Friends are better than siblings as you can build up a network of likeminded people that you actually get on with and who can provide reciprocal support.

I was an only for ten years (my half brother was born then) and I hated being an only child. I had IVF to have my daughter and my main thought was what if we can only have one child. I was scared of doing to her what had been done to me. I had my second 17 months later. I know I am ridiculously over emotional about it.

I know loads of only children who are happy with their setup ( not to mention more attention, potential more childcare help from parents, more financial help, bigger inheritance etc)

You do what is right for the circumstances. Make sure your child is well socialised as I was so painfully shy and that was a lot harder when everyone else has siblings to play with.