To think parents of only children are selfish

[Zara7]

I've just had a very interesting discussion with a 24 year old only child which sadly ended in tears. She said, she's upset her parents didn't have any more children because she grew up feeling very lonely. She's also very upset that she'll never be an aunt and her kids will not have first cousins.

I have not considered any of this and the conversation has really got me thinking as I am a parent to an only child (6 yo DD). I would've loved to have had another child but divorce happened and ex was/is a shit dad. Although, I'm 30 and have time to meet someone and start a family, but I really love my new-found independence now that DD is older, financial freedom and job. I don't want to have give up any of it up.

I feel selfish and inconsiderate of DD's future and feelings.

I didn't intend for DD to be an only child, but can now see the advantages of our situation.

I have siblings who have children, but as they live on the other side of the world, I've not had much of a chance to be an aunty or for DD to spend time with cousins... so having siblings doesn't guarantee those things.

I had an older brother. I’m not an aunt. He bullied me relentlessly as a small child.

Most of my friends have siblings. A significant minority get on well and regularly do things together. The majority have a friendly distant relationship along the births, christenings, marriages and Christmas lines. They wouldn’t pick their siblings as friends and are closer to their friends but do care about their siblings. A small minority loathe their siblings.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I think a lot of parents of only children are conscious about the possible pitfalls and are very active in promoting friendships and facilitating company for their children. It’s the case for my two friends with only children (not through choice).

I have 3 half siblings (two older brothers, one younger) and had the best of both worlds ... got to see them on the weekends during contact with my DF. Honestly I dunno why my DF had so many kids to different women. Two oldest are a nightmare. Younger one is sweet but none of us are close. None of our kids are close but that might be because we all have different mums?
I have two kids with a 5 year age gap (wasn't an intentional age gap) and it was hard.

I see plenty of people with one child constantly harassed for ONLY having one child and I think with the state of the economy it's a sensible reason to stick with one. Circumstances always change, what you can afford now you can't always afford in the future. Babies may not cost the earth but teenagers do😬

She's talking a load of guff.

I say this as an only, who married an only. Who's kids genuinely have no first cousins or aunts/uncles.

Are people crying because their siblings chose not to have kids & they'll never be an aunty?

Will she be crying if her parents give her a wodge of cash for her house deposit because they've had less expenses.overher lifetime?
Or crying because they have one set of grandchildren to babysit?

Has she considered not all families get on & her fantasy sibling could have been a living nightmare?

Life rolls the dice, you get what you get & if you're crying over not being an auntie (even though you could be to a partner's family or an auntie-figure your own friends kids) you've not done too badly.

My only real 'only' concern is for my parents & ILS in old age & how we potentially provide care for them all, but I read all the time how one sibling takes the brunt so it's no different - at least there's nobody to resent.

I don’t think it’s selfish at all, you have to do what’s right in your situation.

I’m an only child and am very introverted, so I’d just say make sure your child gets put into new situations and is given the confidence to talk to lots of different people, as this is something I lack.

I worry about being lonely in older age but I’m working on making more social connections. I still don’t think it would have been right for my parents to have had another child as we were quite a dysfunctional family.

Not all parents have the choice of multiple children.
Tbh don't be a victim of things you can't change and maybe even wasn't your parents' choice.

Thank you again everyone.

I have 35 first cousins but they all live between my country of origin and France. My brother and I don't keep in touch with uncles/aunties and cousins because we don't feel we have that connection, although we grew up together and were close. When we visit, we get on well and generally enjoy each other's company but when we return back home (UK), we don't think to contact our family.

I think the reality is that the more children you have the more you have to share money but most importantly time. There are a lot of benefits of being an only.

Id have thought that in the OPs circumstances it would be much more self to jump into a new relationship with the purpose of providing a sibling than sticking with one.

She sounds slightly dramatic

Two of my closest friends are only children and both speak positively of it - I have discussed this at length with them over the years, as it looked like for a long time like my eldest would be an only due to fertility issues. I also have another friend who has been no contact with her sister for years, as they have hated each other since childhood, and my friend only has unhappy memories of their shared childhood. Families come in all shapes and sizes, some have 4+ children in them; and some have zero. Not anyone else's business really.

I'm an only child and think she's being ridiculous.

This is exactly her thought. She thinks her parents and parents of only children are selfish. I was made to feel that way too. Even worse when she started crying. I felt awful and upset that DD may grow up to feel the same way towards me.

I have a DD14. Advantage of having 1 really clear. I can afford to send her to private school. No way could I afford that with 2 as a lone parent.

This is another factor. I think if I were to have another, our quality of life would take a hit.

I have just remembered that there is a good chance DD may have half siblings on her dad's side.

Sometimes life doesn't go as you planned it. I always wanted two children, for various reasons that didn't work out, and the vast majority of those reasons weren't due to choices DH & I made. So no, it wasn't for selfish reasons.

I think the problem is with the 24 year old, who doesn't really seem to register that other people are human beings in their own right, and not biddable supporting actors in the script of her own life.

Her parents might have had another child - but that child might have been seriously disabled. Or have moved to Australia at 18. Or joined a cult. Or been demanding and overbearing. Even if they got on and lived nearby, there's no guarantee that the hypothetical sibling would be fertile.

Or they might have chosen not to have kids themselves. And then would she be sobbing that her brother / sister is SOOOO selfish not to provide her child with a cousin? She needs to get a bloody grip.

I have one child. Yes it was a purely 'selfish' decision not to have any more rather than not being able to.

Quite frankly I don't care if it's selfish. It's my life and I will be the one most affected by having another, so why do something that I don't want to do?!

Yes I do sometimes have a pang of guilt because our child would be a great sibling. But not at the expense of unhappy parents.

One was the right number for us, for so many reasons.

Guilt and selfishness really shouldn't come into it but there we are!

I have siblings & several cousins, none of whom have had children so mine have no cousins (first or second) on my side. My partners siblings haven't had kids yet and most his cousins have chosen not to either. So despite our generation being reasonably large on the family tree there'll only be a handful for my kids. Never any guarantees how families will turn out.

Meh. She's one person with one bunch of experiences. Do some research into studies of only children vs people with siblings - only children are NOT worse off!

I have 3 siblings and 2 of them don't have children and are unlikely to. The other one was on the fence so I could have very easily not had nieces or nephews and my (only child) daughter would have had no cousins. As it is, they are lovely but love really far away so she's met them maybe 3 times in her life. My life is not defined by being an aunt either.

My mum on the other hand is an only child and the way she goes on about the hardship makes having an only sound like child abuse. She grew up with a single parent working multiple jobs out of the home so of course she was lonely. She doesn't accept that other people may have had much more positive experiences and has been quite disapproving of my decision to only have one child.

Finally, a note about parents and their happiness. Having a second or third child means more stress, less sleep, less time to yourself, more potential conflict and tantrums etc. You should put yourself through that if YOU want another child, not because you feel you owe your existing child a sibling that they may not even get along with. I'd love to go through pregnancy and have another little newborn baby again but I don't want to be a frazzled, unhappy parent to 2 children. I'm better as a relatively happy, occasionally frazzled parent to 1.

She can have all of mine lol

My DS is only 18 months so things may change, but he may well be an only because my H and I have found the transition to parenthood really challenging. Combined with a rollercoaster over the last few years (close bereavement, intense professional qualification ongoing, moving across the country, another close bereavement, traumatic birth, failure to breastfeed, longish hospital stay post birth, plus the whole pandemic back drop affecting all of these things), H in particular can't see a way in which a second kid wouldn't have a negative toll on our ability to maintain our marriage and remain good enough parents to existing ds.

I feel a lot of shame for this, and feel a big sense of inadequacy (if I "coped" better would H want another?). I relate to your fears in the OP, that Ds will one day resent me or be worse off for my inability to manage a second child. I dread 2nd pregnancy announcements as it brings so much up in me around the hard adjustment and the (likely) implausibility of a second.

I don't know how to come to terms with this, but it's interesting to read these view points.

Way to take zero responsibility for your shitty title!

Kids always feel hard done by for one reason or other.
The 24 year old you chatted to moaned about being an only- although she supposedly can go on to have a large family with lots of kids if she wants to.

Other kids will moan about having too many siblings and not enough 1 to 1 time with their parents.

Don't take it to heart.

Families come in all sorts, some don't have a parent, or both parents, some multiple children, raised by extended family etc. you cant measure happiness by the perfect family. Don't feel bad, your dd sounds happy and so do you.