To think parents of only children are selfish

[Zara7]

I've just had a very interesting discussion with a 24 year old only child which sadly ended in tears. She said, she's upset her parents didn't have any more children because she grew up feeling very lonely. She's also very upset that she'll never be an aunt and her kids will not have first cousins.

I have not considered any of this and the conversation has really got me thinking as I am a parent to an only child (6 yo DD). I would've loved to have had another child but divorce happened and ex was/is a shit dad. Although, I'm 30 and have time to meet someone and start a family, but I really love my new-found independence now that DD is older, financial freedom and job. I don't want to have give up any of it up.

I feel selfish and inconsiderate of DD's future and feelings.

Very true. Thank you.

Yabu

Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. Sometimes one child is for the best - siblings often don’t get along.
The 24 year old is being immature to call her parents selfish. Her siblings may not have had kids 🤷‍♀️ I understand why she may have fantasized what if but for every only child who did that, there will be as many kids with siblings imagining the opposite.

There are advantages being an only, I've always been admired for being able to amuse myself, enjoy myself without being dependent on others. And now I'm caring for an elderly parent, I'm so glad I have no siblings - siblings working harmoniously to share out the care are very much in the minority.

I’ve one sister with no children that I don’t speak to. I had a brother who died in early childhood.

I had an only child deliberately to shield her from the pain that I went through.

No, they are not selfish.
Just because you have spoken to one only child who feels that way does not make it so.

There is plenty that can go wrong if you give them additional siblings as well. What if they don’t get on? What if you can’t afford to do things for all kids that you could have for one? What if having additional children pushes you to the edge and your parenting declines? What if you have a second that has a life limiting condition and you’re leaving a legacy of full time care to your existing child?

Families don’t have to follow a set route in order to be happy. Families come in all shapes and sizes and all can be a happy one

If she marries someone with siblings then she'll be aunt to their kids and her kids will have cousins, so she has fundamentally misunderstood how family structures work.

No I don't think parents of only children are selfish. People make choices about how many kids they have based on a number of factors, in many cases it would be more selfish to keep having children.

I have an only child, I also have a retirement plan and am saving for care and such to try to minimise any impact on my child.

It took 3 years and lots of upset to get pregnant, I'm not putting myself, DH or DD through that heartbreak on the off chance that it might work well and we might be happier with 2 than we are with 1.

At the time when we had DD we could afford 1 child in nursery, a house with enough rooms for 1 child.

Now DD is 9yo, happy, settled, loves out home, our area and her school. If we were to have another then we would have to move, we can afford to now, but we wouldn't be able to afford the bigger house and all the nice stuff we can currently do with DD.

Siblings can have an important connection. But lots don't. There are other possibilities for important connections.

The young adult you were talking seems to be placing a lot of blame on the lack of siblings when I feel that the underlying issues are caused by other things.

I am an only child and loved it. Of course you are not being selfish. Loneliness is hard but having a sibling is no guarantee that you won't be lonely. My best friend is like a sister to me and I am an auntie to her daughter. All you can do is make the best decisions for you and your family. But for what its worth, being an only child made me who I am and I have no regrets!

This is what some have told her. But, she said it won't be the same.

Yep. Siblings aren't a guarantee for anything. YABU.

The thing is, quite often people end up with only one child because of circumstance rather than choice. My parents were both only children and were born to oldish parents in 1946 - I expect because the men were away during the Second World War. I have no aunts, uncles or first cousins and this is okay.

Our birth rate is falling - lots of children are only children.

She needs to grow up and get a grip.

Even if she had siblings, there’s no guarantee that she’d have had the life she imagined.

And yet I have friends who were only kids, who loved that they got to spend more quality time with their parents, and as an adult valued the fact that there was a bit more money about and so they received the benefit of going places and doing things that they probably wouldn't otherwise have had the chance at.

I am also parent to a grown up only who wanted a sibling when they were younger but is happy with life and childhood they had. They have great friends and cousins of their own and if they choose to have kids of their own will create their own family. Yes they won't be an aunty/uncle, but they will and do have their own family of friends around them.

I'm obviously a bit biased, but I think it's far more important for a child to grow up with parents who can cope with life rather than parents who are overwhelmed. I personally could not have coped with more than one child so we stopped at one and I have never regretted that decision.

I worked with a 22 year old who said her childhood was miserable as an only child. Which really affected me as a parent of an only.

As our relationship developed, it was really apparent her parents weren't quite that brilliant to her as a child and the adult she now is. Which I suspect is the real issue concerning her misery and not the lack of siblings.

My brother was not a positive addition to my life and affected my childhood adversely. We don't speak as adults. He's vile. I could easily cry to a stranger about all he's inflicted on me. I'd hope it wouldn't make them feel selfish for having two or more children.

Don't take people's isolated experience personally. There's always a lot more to it.

Being an only can be an absolute gift and blessing. My husband is one and has never wished for anything but that.

My Dad is an only child. He is very close to his parents. He also has 4 children and 5 grandchildren. Being an only child does not automatically mean you’ll have a lonely adulthood without important relationships.

My Mum has one sibling and they hate each other. So we don’t see him or our cousins. Having siblings does got guarantee
a good relationship with aunt/uncle and cousins.

I am an only child, I don't ever remembering wanting a sibling and I was always happy as a child , I have 2 1st cousins who I am very close with, ans my chidlren are very close with both my cousins children and to us they are 'cousins ' it doesn't matter that they are not 1st cousins

On the other hand, my husband does not speak to his siblings due to many issues and he's much closer with my family than his. My chidlden have don't see their 'auntie and uncle' but they have plenty of family/ friends who they have amazing relationships with

Personally I don't think people are selfish having 1 child, I remember my MIL saying before one of my family members was 'selfish ' for only having 1 child , even though there was many reasons she did not want another 1- but thinking back now I think it may have been a dig and my and my mum

All parents are selfish, having a child is the most selfish anyone on this earth can do, no one asks to be born it's forced upon them, even if you give them the world they can be severely depressed and not want to be here as adults, we have children for ourselves and they will go on to do the same, we are all selfish!

She needs to grow up. Most of us could come up with things that may have made our childhood or lives better - more siblings, fewer siblings, better school, parents staying together, parents splitting up instead of abusing each other in the family home.

Not everyone is close to their siblings.

I have had two children but one of them died. Have I done wrong by my DC by not having another? Or am I entitled to do what's right for us as a family now.

I do not believe my DC is lonely as they go to nursery / school and we see friends most weekends.

That’s really sad.

I’d hate to think that my aunt saw me as less her family just because we weren’t related by blood. I really don’t think she did.

Absolutely not. Such experiences are different for each individual and cannot be generalised at all! I am an only child and have no such negative thoughts about my parents. We are a close-knit family.
The 24 year old is actually quite immature to think so selfishly about her parents. They are not accountable to her to provide siblings. There could be several reasons they were happy with one child, including financial. So she should be grateful that she had caring and loving parents, rather than cry over something she had absolutely no control over.

An only child gets their parents full attention and more money available to be spent on them. There’s always a chance siblings won’t get along.

Having only one child is not at all selfish.

I'm also unlikely to be an aunty as my brother is childless and I hope he remains so for the sake of future children. My husband has no siblings. My child has no cousins. It's not really that big of a deal. We have friends and each other and are happy.

I've an only child so I'm biased but no i don't think it's selfish. Children can have shit childhoods depending on lots of factors.

Your dc can still be an aunt, not blood related but she may marry someone with siblings.

I've two friends who each have 2dc, both younger dc have SEN, one with severe autism and one with global developmental delay. It's probably unlikely that their older children will have blood nieces/ nephews.

Likewise 1-2 children families are the most common, and with more people not choosing to have dc anyway, having large extended families will not be the norm (in the uk) within the next generation.

As a final point my dd13 is not one bit lonely. She loves being an only child. She had lots of friends and for the past few years weekends have been a revolving door of parties and sleepovers.

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your ideas/thoughts with me.

I don't think having an only child is selfish but I do think if you do then the onus is on you to ensure that they have the connections to ensure their childhood isn't lonely so for example taking friends on holiday, finding activities they enjoy etc and also making particular effort to build bonds with other family members and children if possible.