Being moaned at for not being ‘natural’. I’m so tired of not being good enough

[CandyflossStall]

A few weeks ago my partner told me it feels like I’m not being natural and trying to force intimate things. I didn’t really understand where he was coming from.

This evening, I went to the gym and texted my partner “I’m sweating 🥵”. He used to react well to this but today he just said “I bet! Did you do legs?”
Jokily, I later pointed out that I was trying to be flirty. He said that he was sorry, he didn’t realise and he just took it literally. I said it was a bit worrying because if he’d texted me that, I’d be all over it because I’m attracted to him. And he used to be as well.

He then plays the whole unnatural card. He asked why I sent it, and said if I only sent it because I wanted him to find it hot, then it’s unnatural and forcing it. He’s now not speaking to me.

Since when is sending something you think someone will find hot, being unnatural?
I used to send him explicit pictures, flirty texts etc for the pure intent of him enjoying it. He certainly didn’t mind then…

Surely this is weird?

He means it feels forced to him - that you're trying too hard to turn him on and always be sexy

I don't understand why people consider sending pictures or flirting with their partner as vulgar. Yesterday, DP texted me saying that he was sweating because the house he was working in was warm. I jokingly told him to take his clothes off, which was a bit flirty. I know some people on Mumsnet struggle with flirting and sex, but there's no need to be so prudish.

In my opinion, there's something wrong with the way the OP's partner is responding. If they've previously communicated intimately through flirting or pictures, then his explanations are avoiding the underlying issue.

The emoji looks like you are not enjoying being sweaty. Happy eyebrows do not droop like that… I’m not surprised he didn’t think you were flirting - if someone sends a sad, sweaty-faced emoji while in the gym, I assume they are not enjoying getting sweaty!

@Missamyp Did he then send you a naked picture from the house he was working in?… Because if not, then your example doesn’t fit what the poster you quoted was describing.

We don't struggle with flirting and/or sex, we enjoy it tremendously. We just find pornography disgusting.

I believe that my example aligns with what the original poster was describing. The fact that some individuals on Mumsnet do not view it as flirting does not necessarily indicate a consensus. In my opinion, it is quite evident what the statement 'I'm sweating' implies, particularly within the context of two people who have previously communicated in that manner.

Furthermore, another respondent criticized the original poster for sending pictures to her intimate partner, which is not only legal but also entirely consensual.

'which is not only legal but also entirely consensual.'

yes until one breaks up and then is used in emotional blackmail etc. or posted elsewhere out of spite.

@CandyflossStall why would he find you being sweaty particularly sexy?! It isn’t a come on.

There is a hell of a difference between sweaty in a sexy I’m in a hot bath/it’s summer round the pool shall I take my top off way,

and I’m sweaty in the gym with a red face emoji.

Sounds more like he isn’t in the first throws of oh-my-God-she-is- so-hot new relationship (where basically just saying hi will do it) anymore, so the not great flirting isn’t working for him.

If there's a doubt as to whether all is OK, then all is not OK.

I think he's playing games here. He has now undermined your confidence, and you're going to second guess everything you do and say to him.
Is this too much?
Is this natural or will he think I'm needy?

Why is he so quiet?
Did I try too hard or not hard enough?
And on and on...

A relationship where one partner gives the other the silent treatment is a relationship that is doomed.

I'd cool right off him and make plans to find a place of your own.

Agree with this.

He's already started pulling away from you.

I think it's over.

Exactly. It’s a bit of a fetish to associate a sweaty partner with sex in every context, imvho. If you want your partner to imagine you looking sexy in the gym with tight lycra on, then don’t use a miserable sweaty face emoji. It’s perfectly normal and appropriate to assume that if one is sent a miserable, exhausted, sweaty face emoji by someone at the gym that they are showing off how hard they are working, not how sexy they are.

I'd think this too. At the 2 year (or even 1 year mark) you're either blissfully happy and any remarks like this you laugh off or you say "what are you like?!" or you start to wonder if he's wanting more/you should do more, to keep it fresh/sexy etc.

The unnatural remark would get to me - why is he saying you're unnatural all of a sudden? Is he suddenly wanting an out?

No, sending sexy pics to your partner is not vulgar.

I've taken some gorgeous pics frankly.

Showing/displaying private parts to the members of the opposite sex (or the same sex for that matter) belongs in a zoo, in a chimp enclosure in particular. Larger apes don't do it that often even. Amazing people don't see that.

I’m hearing this in David Attenborough’s voiceover voice.

’Watch now as the female sends a photo of her sweaty gym crotch to the silverback, who responds with a somewhat overexposed shot of his erect penis. The female seems interested. The male engages in a courtship ritual, beating his chest and snarling. Intercourse follows while the rest of the pack forage for food.’

Larger apes don't do what often? Take naked pics or try and seduce other apes?

You don't show or display your body to your partner? Isn't that part of sex?

What do you think about when you masturbate? Do you picture people?

What if you and your partner were away from each other? Video sex? Anything?

These two exhibitionists would make an interesting episode. Lol

nypost.com/2021/09/23/gorillas-shock-onlookers-with-oral-sex-at-bronx-zoo-video/

Surely it's to each their own? I wouldn't be into watersports of furries myself, but plenty of people are... It's a bit of a slippery slope to say "people can only enjoy the same sexual experiences as me". What if the person who got to decide was into something REALLY wild??

Sorry OP that your thread has devolved into people arguing over ape porn 😂😅

Poor bloke. You need to give him a bit more to work with. Sounds like you are over analysing too?

I'm sorry but that wasn't a sexy message. If dh sent me that he'd be pointed towards the shower on arrival home

Exactly!

It's grim.

Another person here who wouldn’t find “I’m sweating 🥵” remotely flirty!! in fact I’d think my partner had lost the plot 😂

You’ve been together 2 years so the dynamic is surely going to change as you feel more comfortable with each other. Maybe at the start he wouldn’t have told you he found the text odd, but now he feels he can.

Have you told him in the past you’ve done something not because you are into it, but because you thought he wanted it/expected it?

If your partner is a man, you're extremely naive to think he finds porn 'vulgar'.