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Original poster

Being moaned at for not being ‘natural’. I’m so tired of not being good enough

225 replies

CandyflossStall · 08/04/2024 18:13

A few weeks ago my partner told me it feels like I’m not being natural and trying to force intimate things. I didn’t really understand where he was coming from.

This evening, I went to the gym and texted my partner “I’m sweating 🥵”. He used to react well to this but today he just said “I bet! Did you do legs?”
Jokily, I later pointed out that I was trying to be flirty. He said that he was sorry, he didn’t realise and he just took it literally. I said it was a bit worrying because if he’d texted me that, I’d be all over it because I’m attracted to him. And he used to be as well.

He then plays the whole unnatural card. He asked why I sent it, and said if I only sent it because I wanted him to find it hot, then it’s unnatural and forcing it. He’s now not speaking to me.

Since when is sending something you think someone will find hot, being unnatural?
I used to send him explicit pictures, flirty texts etc for the pure intent of him enjoying it. He certainly didn’t mind then…

Surely this is weird?

OP posts:
Wildgeen · 09/04/2024 02:33

A few weeks ago my partner told me it feels like I’m not being natural and trying to force intimate things. I didn’t really understand where he was coming from.

It seems to have stemmed from this. He clearly has a problem with you initiating “intimate things”. And I think it sounds like he find you irritating or he resents you in some way, because I don’t understand why he’s now giving you the silent treatment.

I’ve noticed when men start to lose interest in women a common sign is being a bit unpleasant and cold and nitpicking over minor things that didn’t bother them before.

How is he with you generally?

OfficerChurlish · 09/04/2024 02:36

Has he brought up the "unnatural" thing twice now - once a few weeks ago and again yesterday in the context of the "sweaty" text? I can see that he might have been defensive about the text since it sounds like you're concerned, maybe upset about the way he reacted when he thinks it was a normal reaction. He may have felt criticised/nitpicked/backed into a corner - and keep in mind, he may not always react to the same stimulus in the same way, depending on the circumstances, his mood, etc.

BUT if he's brought it up more than once, I'd say you have to talk to him and get to the bottom of this "natural" thing, because it seems like (1) it's important to him and impacting your relationship negatively and (2) you don't know what he means and no one here does either. Can he give you more examples, and going forward tell you in the moment when he feels like it's happening? Can the two of you have a more general discussion about how to connect sexually in a way that's more comfortable to him (as well as to you, of course) - maybe less text, more in-the-moment, face to face?

Aswellisnotoneword · 09/04/2024 02:46

Sometimes flirtations miss the mark.

Maybe what you said didn't seem sexual, maybe he was focussed on something else when he read the text. Maybe he just didn't feel in the mood for sexy talk at that time. Who knows.

I think you should have let it slide. Taking him to task over it later, and implying there's something wrong with the relationship is weird and a bit intense/needy. I don't think he should be ignoring you but I can understand why he's found the whole thing irritating.

Codlingmoths · 09/04/2024 02:55

Maybe try something that most of us would relate to as flirty and see how that goes down and report back!

my response to that text would be ‘ewww’

LongLaneLove · 09/04/2024 02:56

Aside from the sweating etc., why is he not talking to you?

Aswellisnotoneword · 09/04/2024 02:59

LongLaneLove · 09/04/2024 02:56

Aside from the sweating etc., why is he not talking to you?

Because she had a pop at him for not taking her sweaty flirting the way she wanted him to!

LongLaneLove · 09/04/2024 03:03

Aswellisnotoneword · 09/04/2024 02:59

Because she had a pop at him for not taking her sweaty flirting the way she wanted him to!

Show quote history

Is not talking to someone you're in a relationship with normal? I think that's a fairly extreme reaction.

I can't imagine being with someone who didn't talk to me because of an exchange of messages/misunderstanding.

Aswellisnotoneword · 09/04/2024 04:17

LongLaneLove · 09/04/2024 03:03

Is not talking to someone you're in a relationship with normal? I think that's a fairly extreme reaction.

I can't imagine being with someone who didn't talk to me because of an exchange of messages/misunderstanding.

Show quote history

No it's not normal I agree.

But I've been in arguments with an ex where I'm being hounded after doing nothing wrong, can't say anything without it being picked apart, and it's easier to just shut up for awhile. The person trying to pick a fight doesn't like it, that's for sure, but it's one way to get yourself some peace and regroup, maybe try again later when they've calmed the fuck down.

MariaVT65 · 09/04/2024 04:21

Sorry op if you’d have texted me to say you were sweaty WHILE AT THE GYM, i’d have texted back saying ‘well yeah, that’s a given as you’re at the gym, thanks for the info mate’

AE9766 · 09/04/2024 05:06

I'd never think that "I'm sweating" was meant to be flirty. It just makes me think of someone with BO. Why did you think that making him think you had BO was going to turn him on?

Polishedshoesalways · 09/04/2024 05:14

It sounds like you are constantly trying way too hard. Trying to be ‘sexy’ and the photos etc - you really don’t need to do all of that stuff.
Just be yourself.

I think he is finding it off putting in a relationship where he is trying to connect with you, as a person and not as a sex toy.

Speedweed · 09/04/2024 05:18

I'd say your instincts are right op, and something is up with your partner.

It doesn't matter whether anyone here would agree whether your text was sexy flirting or not - you know your partner and relationship best, and if you've got an unusual response which has left you baffled and hurt, something is up.

He's trying to shame you with the 'unnatural' stuff, and then manufacturing a row over nothing so he doesn't talk to you.

Be guided by your instincts, rather than letting anyone here tell you you're overreacting.

Didimum · 09/04/2024 05:32

Whether you think it’s flirty or not is subjective. The real problem is him criticising you and now not speaking to you. Why on earth does this warrant not speaking to someone? Did you have a big fight over it? I’d suspect you are feeling generally unloved and under appreciated if this is getting to you, so look beyond this particular message and try to speak to him about the root of it.

Polishedshoesalways · 09/04/2024 05:36

I would assume the relationship is coming to an end. This kind of nitpicking and meanness is a classic sign.

KimmyScott · 09/04/2024 06:31

It seems like there might be some miscommunication or misunderstanding between you and your partner. It's totally normal to want to flirt and be intimate in a relationship, so it's understandable that you'd be confused and hurt by his reaction.

Maybe try talking to him openly and calmly about how you're feeling and see if you can find a middle ground where both of your needs are being met.

wossgoinon · 09/04/2024 06:45

My ex came out with the ‘ it should be natural’ .shit. Turns out he was being natural with someone else.

Your partner may not be doing that but you are sensing that he is pulling back and now giving you the silent treatment. 🚩

TheExclusiveSandwich · 09/04/2024 06:46

I think gym sweat not sexy

LuluBlakey1 · 09/04/2024 06:48

Why do you feel the need to send flirty/sexual innuendo type texts?

Go to the gym. Get on with your workout. Your boyfriend doesn't need to be any part of that. Stop trying to turn uninteresting, ordinary things into forced 'pseudo-sexual' flirting opportunities.

What's next?
'I'm typing', 'I'm washing-up', 'I'm shopping', 'I'm eating carrots'.

KoolKookaburra · 09/04/2024 06:48

"I’m sweating 🥵" whilst at the gym is not a particularly sexy message to send someone.

I'd end it. He's picking over little things

Zanatdy · 09/04/2024 06:49

You were in the gym, I think you’re being unfair to him expecting him to have picked up on that. Not sure how it’s being flirty really, I think you need to be a bit more explicit

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 09/04/2024 06:52

GoingDownhillTooQuickly · 08/04/2024 18:21

If my husband texted me to say he was sweaty, I'd find it a massive turn-off and want him to have a shower when he got in. I find sweat quite grim.

Me too. Yuck and not something I want anyone to text me ever. Showering could be flirty, sweating turn off.

babyproblems · 09/04/2024 06:53

I think what he means rather than ‘unnatural’ is that you are trying too hard. And maybe he feels it is ‘needy’- which I am guessing you are fishing for compliments and expecting him to respond positively because you are feeling insecure and worried he isn’t fancying you etc. Have a chat with him about that and be honest and open.

Highlandflapped · 09/04/2024 06:57

That message would have done nothing for me, quite the opposite. A guy I was dating once repeatedly told me when he had a dusty moustache from working in an outdoor/practical environment - ick, had to ask him to stop telling me.

Bansheed · 09/04/2024 07:03

I cannot believe people are still arguing about whether sweaty is sexy or not. The emotional.intelligences of gnats.

OP, he has deliberately wrong footed you. That change in response and then slating your behaviour. I would end it. He either simply is moving on in his head or worse, trying to play with yours. Either way, sadly, it sounds like the relationship should end.

CinnabarRed · 09/04/2024 07:05

Screamingabdabz · 08/04/2024 18:22

Maybe he thinks you’re trying too hard? That sexiness should be a ‘natural’ state within a couple rather than one just spamming the other with sex stuff? He used to like it but maybe he wants you to dial it down?

Exactly what @Screamingabdabz said.