Being moaned at for not being ‘natural’. I’m so tired of not being good enough

[CandyflossStall]

A few weeks ago my partner told me it feels like I’m not being natural and trying to force intimate things. I didn’t really understand where he was coming from.

This evening, I went to the gym and texted my partner “I’m sweating 🥵”. He used to react well to this but today he just said “I bet! Did you do legs?”
Jokily, I later pointed out that I was trying to be flirty. He said that he was sorry, he didn’t realise and he just took it literally. I said it was a bit worrying because if he’d texted me that, I’d be all over it because I’m attracted to him. And he used to be as well.

He then plays the whole unnatural card. He asked why I sent it, and said if I only sent it because I wanted him to find it hot, then it’s unnatural and forcing it. He’s now not speaking to me.

Since when is sending something you think someone will find hot, being unnatural?
I used to send him explicit pictures, flirty texts etc for the pure intent of him enjoying it. He certainly didn’t mind then…

Surely this is weird?

I'm with him. Sweat doesn't translate to sexy in my mind.

Ryan Reynolds or Chris Hemsworth could text me that and I would still think "come back to me once you've showered. You are no good to me until you are clean and fresh"

Sounds like he doesn’t like the way you’re flirting with him?

If you had said that to him, you would want to feel listened to.

It sounds like he feels your approach is contrived - maybe it’s just a mismatch of what you find attractive? I’d definitely not guess ‘I’m sweating’ was meant to be sexy.

Is talking about sweat flirting? I’ve definitely been doing it wrong in that case.

😀😀

As PP said, he's not a mind reader but you already feel uncomfortable in the relationship.

So it should end probably.

Neither of you are being 'natural' and that's pretty much needed in a happy, fulfilling relationship.

You don't need to identify either of you as at fault, though many MN posters will tell you he is, and a psychopath or narcissist or whatever based on a few lines of text.

It isn't working, it isn't making you happy. Neither of you have to be in the wrong or there be a victim and perpetrator.

Just end it because it isn't working and you're not happy

Horses sweat, men perspire, women glow

If somebody sent that to me I'd be more worried about their phone getting wet.😯

Not a single poster has said that about him… 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah I think this is what it is. How long have you been together?

It kind of feels like you wanted to send a flirty text and had no idea what to say, so sent a text about what you were doing right now. Which does feel really random and forced and isn’t flirty at all.

Flirting, in this situation, only works if the other person picks up that it’s flirting and it’s not obvious it was flirting.

I was going to ask this too, I get the feeling it's a fairly new relationship?

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. Pretty much anything can be flirty if it's understood by all parties concerned. Obviously he wasn't on your wavelength.

However, if I'd said something I meant in a flirty way and it wasn't taken as such, I wouldn't have made an issue about it. I would have just recognised that it had missed the target.

It’s more what he’s saying about the fact that sending something I know he’ll enjoy is ‘not being natural’?!

You sent something massively UNflirty op. There's nothing flirty or sexual in that message at all so to make a conscious effort to send it does seem 'unnatural' I suppose, for want of a better word.

I can think of another way I'd rather be getting sweaty right now [wink emoji]. Or anything referencing a shower...flirty. Telling him you're sweaty, with a sweating emoji, not so much.

Has nobody else picked up on the fact that he’s now ignoring her?!
I don’t care if he understood the meaning behind the text or not, that’s bloody ridiculous! How old is he, 3?

I don't think telling someone you're sweaty is flirty. Agree with the others.

So I found with sexting that I had to be far more blatant then this. I had a few incidences where I tried to be sexy in a message but he took it literally. I either have to be more blatant in my message or I have to include a photo. So like in this situation I would have worn (or changed into in the changing room if your not comfy working out in this) gym items that are figure hugging and enhancing and snapped a seductive photo and sent that along with the text.

It's not forcing it to send sexy texts though and him not speaking to you because you have had a disagreement Is not ok.

I completely agree with everyone else that telling someone you’re sweaty is not very flirtatious. I mean this kindly but have you considered that you might not be as good at flirting as you think you are?

Having said that, the explicit photos/texts he used to appreciate were clearly only sent to him because you wanted him to find them hot. He obviously did, so what has changed that he doesn’t find your efforts hot any more? Is he losing his attraction to you? Or is he feeling pressured to respond with intimacy when he just doesn’t feel like it? Does he want you to stop with the rubbish attempts at flirting? Or are you supposed to stay quiet until an accidental flash of your ankle gets him going? You need to talk to him and tell him that you need to know why his attitude towards you approaching him has changed. The whole not talking to you thing is just incredibly childish, unless you’ve missed out a massive chunk of the discussion.

OMG everyone read the OP.

She's not asking if her text was sexy.

She's saying that she's sending him things which he's previously taken as flirty and he's suddenly claiming it's "unnatural" and "forced".

OP hasn't changed what she is doing - her partner has changed his reaction to it. That's what she's asking about.

How long have you been together? It sounds to me like he's getting itchy feet but I'm no relationships expert.

Well...

If he used to interpret this type of message as you flirting you might have a point. Maybe he took it as a flirty text before even though he didn't really enjoyed your approach and is now showing you he actually never liked it much and would rather you flirt in a diferent way? If he was happy when you flirted in a more straight forward way, then maybe do that and problem solved? As a relationship evolves each member of the couple adjusts a bit to the other in order for it to feel pleasurable for both. Some stuff that feels okayish in the beginning may become annoying or feel unnatural as time goes by and maybe he is trying to communicate that to you.

But the point is that you don’t necessarily know what he’ll enjoy - clearly he wasn’t into the sweating thing - or when he’ll enjoy it.

Sometimes it’s not the right time, and it sounds as if he’s perhaps feeling like he’s being ordered to feel sexy, and that you’ll be offended if he doesn’t respond. Or maybe he feels under pressure because you’re implying he should always be up for it.

It’s a bit like dressing up in sexy lingerie and then assuming that your partner will want sex. Sometimes they totally will, but sometimes they might be exhausted or thinking about their overdraft or really keen to finish the last episode of a really gripping Netflix drama, and will just think “Oh god, I’m really not in the mood, but she’ll be upset if I don’t want to do it and start asking me if I still fancy her… maybe I should just give it a go to keep her happy… but what if I can’t get it up? Is there something wrong with me for not wanting it all the time? This all feels a bit too engineered…” etc

As this is a change from the previous pattern in your relationship, I'd be concerned that he has the ick in general.

Are you guys still having sex as much?
I think him not speaking to you is a bit much.

He could have misunderstood yes.

It's a shame yes that it's died a bit.

Is he stressed? You could have brought it up a little more gently. But it is a bit strange yes

I have a group chat with my brother + my twin (male) cousins - usually for organising children’s activities etc. the last I sent to them (in response to a message saying ‘anxious, we missed you at Easter, how are you doing?’) Was

’in the gym so currently v. Sweaty’

matter of fact, amusingly gross. Definitely not sexy.

I wouldn't get that you were being flirty, sorry OP.
I sympathise, I'm shit at it too.

What does he consider to be 'natural'?