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Original poster

Being moaned at for not being ‘natural’. I’m so tired of not being good enough

225 replies

CandyflossStall · 08/04/2024 18:13

A few weeks ago my partner told me it feels like I’m not being natural and trying to force intimate things. I didn’t really understand where he was coming from.

This evening, I went to the gym and texted my partner “I’m sweating 🥵”. He used to react well to this but today he just said “I bet! Did you do legs?”
Jokily, I later pointed out that I was trying to be flirty. He said that he was sorry, he didn’t realise and he just took it literally. I said it was a bit worrying because if he’d texted me that, I’d be all over it because I’m attracted to him. And he used to be as well.

He then plays the whole unnatural card. He asked why I sent it, and said if I only sent it because I wanted him to find it hot, then it’s unnatural and forcing it. He’s now not speaking to me.

Since when is sending something you think someone will find hot, being unnatural?
I used to send him explicit pictures, flirty texts etc for the pure intent of him enjoying it. He certainly didn’t mind then…

Surely this is weird?

OP posts:
Rewis · 09/04/2024 09:12

Maybe I'm a bit thick but what does natural mean?
Natural(ly) good at flirting?

Causewerethespecialtwo · 09/04/2024 09:14

I think people are being sidetracked by the fact that they don’t find a text about sweating at the gym sexy. That’s irrelevant. OP says that kind of text would have been a turn on to her partner previously and they would flirt by text often. She is concerned that his behaviour has changed, something he used to find sexy now doesn’t.

How is he with you face to face @CandyflossStall is your sex life still good? Is he acting normally around you? Is it just the texts he is finding unnatural or physical sex too?

arethereanyleftatall · 09/04/2024 09:16

As 'I'm sweating' isn't remotely flirty on any level, if he found it flirty at the beginning, that would only be because he was at the initial #iwantsexwiththisperson stage of the relationship where both can say anything because the other person isn't listening. He's not at that stage any more.

BusyMummy001 · 09/04/2024 09:21

Maybe my DH and I are just not that romantic, but I’d find unsolicited, explicit texts/images popping up on my phone a bit gross actually, especially if I’m out with friend/kids at college/work. One thing to arrange to ‘sext’ if one of you is away, but otherwise it all feels a little but like trying too hard, esp if one of you has said they aren’t into it. But I concede that could just be us, though we have been together for 32 years!

Kbroughton · 09/04/2024 09:25

I think people are being a little hard on you. I don't think you were asking whether everyone thought your text was sexy. Your point is, you used to send texts like this and get a positive sexy response back and now you don't, so why? There could be any number of reasons. As some posters have said, relationship stages develop. There is the first few months which are very lustful, this then moves to more intimacy, where you start communicating beyond the basic sexy level. If you aren't used to this it can be daunting. You don't say what stage of relationship you are at, but you do sound quite inexperienced, which is fine, we only develop by having experiences. Communicating can be hard in any relationship. At the moment you sense things have developed but you don't know in which way. When we guess at what a person is thinking and feeling we often get it wrong, because we are projecting what we would think and feel on another person. A lot like some of the posters are doing here. They wouldn't find your text sexy so they are projecting. But your partner used to and now he doesn't. Being upset about it or trying to push it further wont work. I would look at how you can communicate in a non aggressive or upset way. One thing we can make big mistakes at is communicating when we are upset and so our upset comes out and not the point we are trying to make, which only pushes the other person into a corner. If you blurt out 'why don't you find me sexy any more, you are making me upset' then your partner will feel inadequate and defend himself, and it escalates form there! Books always help, and I am sure the posters on here can suggest some more up to date ones, but 'how to improve your marriage without talking about it' is a great book. Don't be put off by the marriage reference, it's just about relationships. Have a google for other ones. Whether or not your relationship continues, learning about how to communicate and about yourself is ALWAYS a positive thing. And congratulate yourself. You have picked up that something is off and are seeking advice on how to take it forwards. That's very mature so ignore everyone who is giving advice on something you didn't even ask for. Good luck. Whatever happens you will be fine.

Movinghouseatlast · 09/04/2024 09:25

Sweating isn't sexy though, well I don't think it is.

pootlin · 09/04/2024 09:27

There’s nothing titillating about “I’m sweating 🥵”. That emoji looks like suffering to me 😂

Wife2b · 09/04/2024 09:27

Sorry OP sweaty is yucky. I’d of taken it literally too.

sandyhappypeople · 09/04/2024 09:30

CandyflossStall · 08/04/2024 18:16

Fair enough. It’s more what he’s saying about the fact that sending something I know he’ll enjoy is ‘not being natural’?!

But he didn’t enjoy it? Or even get it so it’s you that missed the mark in that instance?

then you accuse him of not being attracted to you because he didn’t understand you cryptic message, he did apologise for not picking up on it so I think you’re being V unreasonable to turn it into an argument, and I’d be getting fed up of that too.

FWIW, there’s a not so fine line between flirty suggestive texting and fishing for compliments/attention, the second one I don’t find attractive at all and it isn’t a natural way to conduct a conversation, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive, he probably just doesn’t want to have to jump to attention when you decide you want him to be turned on by whatever mundane thing you are doing.. especially if he doesn’t know if you’re being flirty or just having a normal conversation.. it all sounds like too much pressure and hard work.

he is communicating that to you, you’re just not listening.

taylorswift1989 · 09/04/2024 09:41

PP are missing the point in their rush to show off their 'superior' flirting skills.

He's stopped flirting with you, blamed it on you, said you're not 'natural' (whatever the fuck that means) and has now stopped talking to you.

He sounds like he's trying to confuse and control you, OP. Honestly, I'd just cut my losses and find someone who doesn't make you jump through hoops for his approval.

pootlin · 09/04/2024 09:48

Being moaned at for not being ‘natural’. I’m so tired of not being good enough

Thread title is misleading, you were the one moaning at him for not being turned on by your texting!

TequilaNights · 09/04/2024 09:48

If I messaged my husband and told him I was sweaty he would tell me to have a shower.

I don't see that being flirty winky face or not.

MFF2010 · 09/04/2024 09:49

I'd have taken it literally, it's not the best flirty text I've read 💐

TequilaNights · 09/04/2024 09:51

My post has nothing to do with superior flirting as PP suggested, I just can understand why he perhaps didn't take it as flirting then the fact she then spelt it out to him it does make it unnatural.

Its nothing to do with not being good enough, it just missed the mark this time.

You'll laugh about it one day OP.

Crowgirl · 09/04/2024 09:51

www.instagram.com/tv/B843JEzg2Q7/?igsh=ZGNvdDZydnkzZTFm

From girls girls girls nail it

EdgarAllenRaven · 09/04/2024 09:55

Yeah the emoji is the problem!
looks like you’ve gone bright red and dripping with sweat

ziggies · 09/04/2024 10:06

taylorswift1989 · 09/04/2024 09:41

PP are missing the point in their rush to show off their 'superior' flirting skills.

He's stopped flirting with you, blamed it on you, said you're not 'natural' (whatever the fuck that means) and has now stopped talking to you.

He sounds like he's trying to confuse and control you, OP. Honestly, I'd just cut my losses and find someone who doesn't make you jump through hoops for his approval.

Genuine question: have you ever been in ANY relationship for more than a few years?

Back when my DH and I were in our honeymoon stage, any sentence about our bodies like "my toenails are growing out" would probably have been a lustfully coded signal, sending us ripping each other's clothes off.

Alas, our definition of flirting has considerably normalised over the years.

Please don't act like a 16 year old and punish the poor guy for not finding smelly sweat + an emoji sexy. YOU are the confusing and controlling one here.

I agree it's not right of him not to be speaking to her though. However her grasp of reality seems vvv teenage, and if he's just not responding on this issue because she's badgering him, that's reasonable.

CharlotteBog · 09/04/2024 10:06

Maybe say 'moist' instead of 'sweaty' 😂

Disturbia81 · 09/04/2024 10:07

I wouldn't find that sexy at all, being all sweaty and stinky so I would comment like he did 🤣

beatrix1234 · 09/04/2024 10:11

You BF comes out as a total weirdo, that or Your post makes little sense so it would be interesting to hear the other side of the story.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 09/04/2024 10:14

There’s so much more behind this isn’t there? You’re not feeling desired by him. It’s clear that he is acting differently now to how he was previously and you are reacting to that. So my questions would be; how long have you been together? Are you still intimate in a way that you’re happy with? Are there kids involved? How old are you both? It could be a natural evolution of the relationship or it could be a sign all is not well.

wplaf · 09/04/2024 10:16

My teens say that emoji isn’t used for sweating. It’s used for someone hot (attractive).
I have been in trouble with them for misusing it.

sunflowerlover282 · 09/04/2024 10:18

If my partner had gone to the gym and sent me that, I wouldn't have got flirty vibes from it, I'd assume his gym session was going well! I can see why your partner didn't take it as you being flirtatious

onlywomengetperiods · 09/04/2024 10:19

He's being too particular

CharlotteBog · 09/04/2024 10:20

wplaf · 09/04/2024 10:16

My teens say that emoji isn’t used for sweating. It’s used for someone hot (attractive).
I have been in trouble with them for misusing it.

I've had similar with the devil emoji. Apparently it means horny not devilish.
Ah well...I'm sure we've all signed off texts to the plumber, the dental assistant or the teenage (male) babysitter with kisses!

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