Being moaned at for not being ‘natural’. I’m so tired of not being good enough

[CandyflossStall]

A few weeks ago my partner told me it feels like I’m not being natural and trying to force intimate things. I didn’t really understand where he was coming from.

This evening, I went to the gym and texted my partner “I’m sweating 🥵”. He used to react well to this but today he just said “I bet! Did you do legs?”
Jokily, I later pointed out that I was trying to be flirty. He said that he was sorry, he didn’t realise and he just took it literally. I said it was a bit worrying because if he’d texted me that, I’d be all over it because I’m attracted to him. And he used to be as well.

He then plays the whole unnatural card. He asked why I sent it, and said if I only sent it because I wanted him to find it hot, then it’s unnatural and forcing it. He’s now not speaking to me.

Since when is sending something you think someone will find hot, being unnatural?
I used to send him explicit pictures, flirty texts etc for the pure intent of him enjoying it. He certainly didn’t mind then…

Surely this is weird?

The amount of people saying that your message would disgust them… it’s not about you, it’s about ops partner who apparently used to find similar messages sexy! It doesn’t matter if Jill from mumsnet thinks sweat is gross, it has no bearing on the matter at all. Really wouldn’t think that needed explaining.

The fact that he’s ignoring you is odd, I find that a bit of a red flag actually. Is this his usual reaction to a disagreement?

I just think it's not a sexy text.

Naked pics are different from sweaty with the red faced emoji.

In fact sweaty would be more attractive without the emoji.

I find your text so unsexy that I can only assume part of this story has been left. Like, it's going to transpire that your DP has always had a sweat fetish until recently, and oh also he's working away a lot and called you by some other woman's name last week.

Just going by the OP, it feels like it's good you'd had a workout warmup before you took that leap.

Some people find the sweaty references sexy because you tend to get sweaty when you have sex.
Can't believe the amount of people on here who either don't understand that, or, who are pretending not to understand that.

Op, I don't really know what he means by the whole unnatural thing, is he saying that suggestive texts are unnatural? 😕 if he used to enjoy that kind of thing, then this would make me wonder if he's going a bit cold on the relationship.

@CandyflossStall

I can understand him not understanding your initial message the way you meant it - but he was interested enough to ask you about your workout at the time and did use the word "sorry" when you spoke to him later but this

He’s now not speaking to me.

is a bit extreme. Hope he's snapped out of his mood now over what was a miscommunication. 🌹

So would I

If she'd said the sweat is running between my heaving breasts and dripping like rainwater off my erect rosy nipples that might have piqued his interest 😂

Sending intimate pictures is vulgar beyond belief. Enjoying sex, being very sexual is normal. But sending explicit pictures? I don't know when vulgar porn behaviour became the norm, but I wish people would realise this is vulgar and demeaning. Your partner is being polite by not calling a spade a spade, just ignoring the vulgarity, hoping it will cease.

Why are you texting from the gym anyway.?

You sound incredibly insecure which would come across as acting forced.

So we had a chat. He said he doesn’t know why he’s feeling that it is unnatural, he said he just wants me to be myself. I said I was being myself and he said to not try too hard to just do things to please him - to only do things if I’m in the mood or want to.
He said he wants to be with me. I asked if he’s cooling off and he said of course not.

So I think we’re okay?

Been together nearly 2 years and no kids involved

I had a boyfriend with whom I was always 'flirty'. I always felt this need to 'keep it sexy/flirty'- this was in the '90s so, no texting yet. The dinosaur years.
But he once said to me, "I wish you could just be more natural." It took me years to understand what he meant. I wasn't being myself. I wasn't just being myself with him. I was constantly pushing 'being sexy/flirty' as if that defined a good and healthy relationship. The truth was, I wasn't comfortable with him or in our relationship. I wasn't comfortable just being me. It wasn't a good relationship. He wanted someone different. And I couldn't be that different person.
How's your relationship, in all honesty, OP? Because his silent treatment is a red flag.
It's not 'all good/everything's ok' now that he's speaking to you. It's more like, WTF? What's he playing at?

His not speaking to you is an extreme response. He's sending you a very strong (and very unfair!) message. Get to the bottom of his response. Why does he think this is an appropriate response? It's not a healthy one and the silent treatment in relationships is wholly dysfunctional. That needs to stop if your relationship is going to be a healthy one.

It sounds like you've got yourselves into a crazy emotional tangle about how you define a particular word. Like you're both trying to make a case for whether sweating during exercise is or isn't a turn-on. And mentioning it to your partner is or isn't "natural".

If you're still together in 5 years - and sorry, but the EI signs aren't good - you'll have a good laugh about this.

"He then plays the whole unnatural card. He asked why I sent it, and said if I only sent it because I wanted him to find it hot, then it’s unnatural and forcing it. He’s now not speaking to me."

I would seriously be revaluating a relationship with someone who stopped speaking to me because I did flirting "wrong" Hate the whole silent treatment thing.

I think he’s got the ick. Sorry that’s no way what you want to hear but when someone says something obscure like this, can’t even explain what they mean and then ignore you it’s usually because they’ve gone off you. And in reality asking someone whether they want to be with you is pointless because how many of us have the balls to say no when they’re put on the spot like that?

It happens and it sucks…but it happens.

The way I see it you have two choices - 1) swiftly and smoothly break up with him and go live your best life without headfuckery quashing your self esteem or 2) try and get him back into you again through a bunch of nefarious methods such as faking a hot guy being after you, fake breaking up with him to see if he bursts into tears, going away for a few weeks to see if distance makes his heart grow fonder, etc. But if he’s got the ick once he’ll get it again.

I might be wrong but I think if you think about it there may be other signs there. Or a gut instinct.

I didn't post before your update because I thought I was projecting. Reading your update, seems not! What your bf has said is exactly what I was going to say: I think you're eager to please him, eager to maintain the relationship. But where are YOU in all this? What do you like? What pleases you? You say you send him texts and photos that you think he would like: that's kinda 'desperate', doing things to please someone. It's not normal/natural. It doesn't say anything about you, about what you want (other than to keep him happy), about what turns you on, what excites you. It's kind of fake, a hologram of a relationship. In an equal relationship, of people who value themselves and each other, you both do things that you like and come together in a relationship because those things are the same things. A healthy relationship isn't one where one partner's personality or choices or preferences or actions are what the other person wants. It must be like dating a hollow vessel.

And even in your update, you seem insecure about whether he still likes you, whether you're still together, whether he's going off you. I can't discern any personality, other than an eagerness to please your boyfriend. Personally, I'd find that quite off-putting.

OP I'm going to be honest, you sound needy. And from your latest update it seems like that's what he's telling you. It's a big turn off. Just be yourself and don't be so needy or clingy it might be suffocating him. How old are you both?

If based on past behaviour he would find it sexy then yes I woukd find it weird that he didn't and putting you down is wrong too is he negging you? Have you? Lost weight? Changed your hair anything he could be feeling insecure about?

Seems a weird response "unnatural"

Your message seemed factual to me too
(+I wouldn't have interpreted that as sexy in any way. Gym sweat is natural but not attractive- even a bit 'yuck' to me. Each to their own though!)

When your DP tells you you are 'unnatural' does this mean that he feels you are being somehow unfeminine because you are attempting to 'chase' him by being flirty?
(That attitude would be much more 'yuck' than the sweat to me!)

Nothing wrong with sexing pics.

There is nothing demeaning about it.
Just because you don't enjoy them, does not mean they are vulgar.

I was in a LTR years ago and the only time I had weird criticism from him was when he was interested in (i.e. banging) someone else. So that's my first thought, though every bloke is not as much of a rogue as he was...

Firstly, you massively over used the word ‘vulgar’, to the point that you’ve rendered it meaningless. Secondly, you seem oddly prudish about other peoples business. And thirdly, it’s really not your place to determine what’s appropriate or ‘sexy’ between two people when it’s not your relationship 🤣 wind your neck in and keep your overly aggressive comments to yourself

It's an excuse to be short with you - IME he's annoyed about something else and doesn't have the balls or sense to say what or has his eye on another woman.

Porn is not vulgar? Wow, just wow.

You're both too hard work.

Really depends how long you've been together, guess you could just about get away with that as a sexy text in the very early weeks/months when everything is sexy just cos you're all over each other anyway (it's still a bit cringe though sorry😅), beyond that it would be a bit like...umm okay?!

Edit: Just saw it's been two years!!! No that is not a sexy text for a two year relationship.