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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being moaned at for not being ‘natural’. I’m so tired of not being good enough

225 replies

CandyflossStall · 08/04/2024 18:13

A few weeks ago my partner told me it feels like I’m not being natural and trying to force intimate things. I didn’t really understand where he was coming from.

This evening, I went to the gym and texted my partner “I’m sweating 🥵”. He used to react well to this but today he just said “I bet! Did you do legs?”
Jokily, I later pointed out that I was trying to be flirty. He said that he was sorry, he didn’t realise and he just took it literally. I said it was a bit worrying because if he’d texted me that, I’d be all over it because I’m attracted to him. And he used to be as well.

He then plays the whole unnatural card. He asked why I sent it, and said if I only sent it because I wanted him to find it hot, then it’s unnatural and forcing it. He’s now not speaking to me.

Since when is sending something you think someone will find hot, being unnatural?
I used to send him explicit pictures, flirty texts etc for the pure intent of him enjoying it. He certainly didn’t mind then…

Surely this is weird?

OP posts:
WhimsicalGubbins76 · 09/04/2024 10:22

wplaf · 09/04/2024 10:16

My teens say that emoji isn’t used for sweating. It’s used for someone hot (attractive).
I have been in trouble with them for misusing it.

To be fair though, today’s teens change the meaning of everything to suit their generation 🤣 I barely understand a word my 18 year old says these days.
And I honestly think emojis are open to interpretation. I’m told this 🤗 is a hug emoji, but I always thought it was jazz hands 🤣🤣

HolyMoly24 · 09/04/2024 10:25

Sounds like a communication issue has developed. I think you need to have a frank conversation about what exactly he meant by 'unnatural'. Maybe what turns him on has changed and he hasn't communicated that to you.

I don't think the relationship needs to come to an end like some people seem to. I do think the fact he's now ignoring you is pathetic and you should tell him that you won't put up with that again.

sandyhappypeople · 09/04/2024 10:30

It doesn't matter if it would normally send him into flirty mode, I'm sure not everything you say is flirty so it is completely understandable that he may not 'get' every one.. not one person (I think) on here reads it as a flirty message, so he's not wrong.

The problem here is you telling him how he is supposed to feel about it and how to adequately respond to you, and then making him feel bad for missing the mark, even though he's apologised and told you he thought you meant it literally. You should have taken his apology at face value, or if you think he understood but didn't respond the way you hoped, asked him if he was okay, not start throwing accusations around?

If someone did this to me, I would then think I had to 'perform' and be flirty even if I didn't particular feel like it at that moment, or wasn't sure that's what the intention was, just to keep you from going off on one at not being found attractive... it's attention seeking at best, controlling at worst and it sounds like he's reached his tipping point over it.

TheCatterall · 09/04/2024 10:35

It does depend on the broader context of your relationship and flirting standards.

I wouldn’t find (or send) ‘I’m sweaty 🥵 ‘ as flirtatious.

I would probably send - “I’m all hot and sweaty for all the wrong reasons. Wish it was you I was working out on 😉” but then we are quite cheesy in our relationship.

are there other ways you could flirt, do you go out together for dates, make an effort and dress up for each other etc?

oakleaffy · 09/04/2024 10:36

Another one here who wouldn’t have perceived “I’m 🥵 sweaty” to be a turn on-

BUT I wonder if @CandyflossStall ‘s partner is suffering loss of libido?

It’s assumed that Men are always up for it ( literally) but maybe he has erectile dysfunction and feels embarrassed ?

Just a guess as to why he’s no longer “Keen “?

sulkingsock · 09/04/2024 10:37

I wouldn't even reply if my husnabd sent a message saying he was sweaty 🤮

Sighhhhh · 09/04/2024 10:50

His response is a bit odd because you’ve said he’d normally react a certain way to that message (it doesn’t matter that others don’t get it…you and your partner do). For you and your partner, the text is sexual teasing.

Just be a little bit aware because men often start being weird about sex when they have an eye on someone else or are playing away. You’ve come to MN to talk about it because your instinct is telling you something. That said, talk to him to gauge where he is more generally and understand what might have changed for him or whether he wants to do things a little differently.

BakewellGin1 · 09/04/2024 10:56

If DH asks how gym has been he usually gets I'm a sweaty mess with a sick emoji because I genuinely do look and feel disgusting lol

pictoosh · 09/04/2024 10:57

Haven't read the whole thread...must admit the “I’m sweating 🥵” text has really amused me and I keep laughing.
The only response to that is 'ew' surely?

MyWyndolynne · 09/04/2024 10:58

There's absolutely nothing sexual or flirty about telling someone you're sweaty during a gym session.

littleburn · 09/04/2024 11:02

I think a lot of the posters are focusing on whether they would find 'I'm sweaty' sexy or not 😁

What jumps out to me is the OP says - in the context of her relationship - it's something her partner would have responded to in the past. Now he's not. Plus he's critiquing her attempts to be flirtatious as 'unnatural' and has stopped talking to her because of this.

Presuming the OP isn't doing anything different to what she's always done, it's a change of behaviour on his part and I can completely understand being unsettled by it. It's the kind of low level, irritable behaviour of someone who's pulling away.

Justhereforthebants · 09/04/2024 11:04

Kbroughton · 09/04/2024 09:25

I think people are being a little hard on you. I don't think you were asking whether everyone thought your text was sexy. Your point is, you used to send texts like this and get a positive sexy response back and now you don't, so why? There could be any number of reasons. As some posters have said, relationship stages develop. There is the first few months which are very lustful, this then moves to more intimacy, where you start communicating beyond the basic sexy level. If you aren't used to this it can be daunting. You don't say what stage of relationship you are at, but you do sound quite inexperienced, which is fine, we only develop by having experiences. Communicating can be hard in any relationship. At the moment you sense things have developed but you don't know in which way. When we guess at what a person is thinking and feeling we often get it wrong, because we are projecting what we would think and feel on another person. A lot like some of the posters are doing here. They wouldn't find your text sexy so they are projecting. But your partner used to and now he doesn't. Being upset about it or trying to push it further wont work. I would look at how you can communicate in a non aggressive or upset way. One thing we can make big mistakes at is communicating when we are upset and so our upset comes out and not the point we are trying to make, which only pushes the other person into a corner. If you blurt out 'why don't you find me sexy any more, you are making me upset' then your partner will feel inadequate and defend himself, and it escalates form there! Books always help, and I am sure the posters on here can suggest some more up to date ones, but 'how to improve your marriage without talking about it' is a great book. Don't be put off by the marriage reference, it's just about relationships. Have a google for other ones. Whether or not your relationship continues, learning about how to communicate and about yourself is ALWAYS a positive thing. And congratulate yourself. You have picked up that something is off and are seeking advice on how to take it forwards. That's very mature so ignore everyone who is giving advice on something you didn't even ask for. Good luck. Whatever happens you will be fine.

What an incredibly kind and insightful response @Kbroughton

Can everyone drop the “sweating” thing now and actually read the OP? It doesn’t take a million people to comment on one word and make someone feel crap about themself when they’re actually asking for advice and support! Whatever your view on the original message, let’s stop repeating the same nonsense over and over again and actually try to be helpful and constructive, shall we?

@CandyflossStall I can understand why you’re hurt by your partner’s reaction and the fact that he’s now ignoring you isn’t kind. I would sit him down and talk to him about it. Tell him that he embarrassed you with his reaction and try to work out where he’s coming from, too. I believe that you’ll both see the funny side of things and that maybe this’ll bring you closer together. Don’t take any notice of hurtful comments and bullshit on here.Some people obviously believe that their opinion is right and needs to be heard even though the same opinion has been repeated multiple times. What fun! 🤣

TipsyKoala · 09/04/2024 11:08

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 09/04/2024 10:22

To be fair though, today’s teens change the meaning of everything to suit their generation 🤣 I barely understand a word my 18 year old says these days.
And I honestly think emojis are open to interpretation. I’m told this 🤗 is a hug emoji, but I always thought it was jazz hands 🤣🤣

Show quote history

🤗 this isn’t jazz hand?!!!

fliptopbin · 09/04/2024 11:11

I think the problem here might be that you sent that text kind of imagining saying it in a flirty tone of voice as you typed. However, that tone of voice is not communicated in the text, so it went straight over your OH's head.
Or maybe I am projecting because I had a similar thing happen with my DH recently. However, our ended in us just laughing about it.

Thegoodbadandugly · 09/04/2024 11:14

Not sure why you think sending him a text saying your sweaty is a turn on, for me that would be a turn off. Perhaps you need to change your approach and just tell him you're feeling horny.

BettyShagter · 09/04/2024 11:19

Good God, I'm menopausal and I can honestly tell you that sweat certainly doesn't 'do it' for DH and I 😳🤣🤣

Todaysproblem · 09/04/2024 11:24

CandyflossStall · 08/04/2024 18:16

Fair enough. It’s more what he’s saying about the fact that sending something I know he’ll enjoy is ‘not being natural’?!

Well he clearly didn’t enjoy it, so why are you insisting that you ‘knew’ he would. The natural thing would have been to drop it when it didn’t land as you’d hoped and reevaluate what he finds flirty. Like most of us, he clearly doesn’t think sweat is hot / flirty.

It happened to me as well, I sent my husband a picture of some expensive lingerie I’d just bought and he replied that our bedroom looks like a hotel room. You win some, you lose some eh?

hobocock · 09/04/2024 11:27

This evening, I went to the gym and texted my partner “I’m sweating 🥵”. He used to react well to this but today he just said “I bet! Did you do legs?”
Jokily, I later pointed out that I was trying to be flirty. He said that he was sorry, he didn’t realise and he just took it literally. I said it was a bit worrying because if he’d texted me that, I’d be all over it because I’m attracted to him. And he used to be as well

I don't get how "I'm sweating" is supposed to be flirty. I wouldn't feel turned on if someone sent me that. It's a bit icky and I wouldn't want to be then thinking about doing the deed with them. I'd just assume you had been doing a strenuous work out and that would be the end of it.

DaftFlerken · 09/04/2024 11:29

how is texting someone i'm sweaty in any way sexy? I'd be thinking yuk, have a shower before trying to come near me

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/04/2024 11:34

there is a huge difference between sending an explicit photo to sending a text saying you are sweating

stop trying so hard, that's what he means in just be natural

pictoosh · 09/04/2024 11:36

stop trying so hard, that's what he means in just be natural

Think this possibly nails it.

Cas112 · 09/04/2024 11:57

That is the weirdest 'sexy' message I ever heard 😂

StaunchMomma · 09/04/2024 12:00

I'd just put this down to him being a bit of a 'typical' man.

They can be literal creatures.

Nuance is not always a strong point!

SoundTheSirens · 09/04/2024 12:05

botleybump · 09/04/2024 08:14

I'm only a few years out of 5 years' online dating and I 'get' this.
Also a fellow gym bunny, so have definitely sent the sweaty thirst trap.
My husband and I definitely engaged in this level of flirting when we were first dating.

I do also find myself sometimes missing/trying to kickstart that again.

Realistically, I think in the early days of dating, before you're really in the relationship and have deeper foundations, both parties engage in this contrived flirting - we know what we're getting at, everything is about the nookie, and everything is sexy, because we're not yet secure enough to just not be interested/have a bad day, but also because it's all new so everything is quite literally the hottest thing ever!
As relationships grow, I think a more authentic attraction grows, or doesn't if truly incompatible.
I've had to relax in to that more 'natural' flow of things, and it's nice in its own way. My husband will now suddenly be all excited if I talk passionately about something I've learned that day, or get him a little gift while I'm out. If I'm honest, it does feel better than sending out random callouts, but it is sometimes less exciting and can miss the confidence boost of 'making' him respond.

....which is probably why plenty of people can stray in relationships, it's easy to miss that buzz if you're not focusing on the upside of the more authentic connection and attraction.

Of course, if you're not compatible beyond the passion phase, you may struggle to find that. Maybe think about the times he does respond/come on to you?

This is the most sensible and thoughtful response on this thread.

Wordsmithery · 09/04/2024 12:08

I'd be far more concerned by the fact that he's not speaking to you! Isn't that playground behaviour?