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AIBU?

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Original poster

Being moaned at for not being ‘natural’. I’m so tired of not being good enough

225 replies

CandyflossStall · 08/04/2024 18:13

A few weeks ago my partner told me it feels like I’m not being natural and trying to force intimate things. I didn’t really understand where he was coming from.

This evening, I went to the gym and texted my partner “I’m sweating 🥵”. He used to react well to this but today he just said “I bet! Did you do legs?”
Jokily, I later pointed out that I was trying to be flirty. He said that he was sorry, he didn’t realise and he just took it literally. I said it was a bit worrying because if he’d texted me that, I’d be all over it because I’m attracted to him. And he used to be as well.

He then plays the whole unnatural card. He asked why I sent it, and said if I only sent it because I wanted him to find it hot, then it’s unnatural and forcing it. He’s now not speaking to me.

Since when is sending something you think someone will find hot, being unnatural?
I used to send him explicit pictures, flirty texts etc for the pure intent of him enjoying it. He certainly didn’t mind then…

Surely this is weird?

OP posts:
whomoon · 08/04/2024 21:23

I had a partner once who would give me the silent treatment if I said the wrong thing.
One time I had said I loved him, and he didn’t respond and instead said he thought we said it too much and he was going to say it less until times he really meant it. Fine.

He was a right twat in hindsight, but at the time I started to question everything little thing I said as I couldn’t bear him giving me the silent treatment. It’s an awful relationship to be in

2021x · 08/04/2024 21:26

From what I can tell you still fancy him like mad, and him less so.

The whole "unnatural" line is a bit odd, by being so wishy-washy he is projecting his own insecurities on to you. This is then making you stressed and feeling unsure about yourself.

Something has changed with him- maybe he is stressed about something and projecting it on to your relationship? Maybe he has an issue with some porn thing? Maybe he has found a connection with someone else? Maybe he is just not good at commitment after the intitial excitment rubs off?

You haven't given much info on your relationship but it doesn't sound like this one is the one for you. I would probably leave it there, before he drags you down the dark hole with him.

Chitterlina · 08/04/2024 21:43

The good news is, you’re both weird 🙃

tennesseewhiskey1 · 08/04/2024 21:48

FFS since when was being at the gym and stating the obvious (sweating) sexy?! God - I would die if I have to navigate dating now.

Molonty · 08/04/2024 21:55

GoingDownhillTooQuickly · 08/04/2024 18:21

If my husband texted me to say he was sweaty, I'd find it a massive turn-off and want him to have a shower when he got in. I find sweat quite grim.

Lol, the last thing I would take it is is flirting. I would be thinking well off course dumbo you're at the gym!

YoureALizardHarry11 · 08/04/2024 22:02

How is someone texting ‘’I’m sweating’’ from the gym supposed to be a turn on. I’d find it bloody weird 😂 it’s hardly in the same league as ‘’I’m getting all hot while thinking of you ;) is it? 🤣

theduchessofspork · 08/04/2024 23:02

I would have taken it literally, a sweaty gym crotch isn’t a mega turn on.

You are both digging in to a simple misunderstanding though, so I would leave it to settle for a few days and then have a conv about what that might be.

DayDreamAllDay · 08/04/2024 23:13

Sorry OP to say this, but it’s not a sexy text and if it worked in the past it’s not working now. I don’t like how your partner is being uncommunicative because of it though - that’s a huge overreaction. I hope you can work it out.

SpaghettiWithaYeti · 08/04/2024 23:20

Like others, I would have never have thought a message about being sweaty was flirting... Sort of the opposite tbh

That said, it seems you are sensing a change in him and that definitely merits a conversation. Our instincts are usually right that something is going on, whether it's work stress or relationships issues or someone else has caught his eye. Hard for Mumsnet to know

Noicant · 08/04/2024 23:20

Maybe he still finds you really attractive but just not into this kind of thing. I think you have miscommunication rather than anything really fundamentally wrong. If everything else is fine I would just think he’s not one for “sexy” messages.

Honestly if Dh text me that I’d be like “sounds like a great workout, well done you 🙌🏽”.

QS90 · 08/04/2024 23:40

@CandyflossStall How long have you two been together? Do you have any children or anything? I think things can get a bit stale after x amount of years, or if you have young children / other commitments like caring for elderly parents or something. That's just the way of things. Personally I'd laugh my head off if my OH suggested we try and be more "naturally" sexy or whatever together, then go back to scraping poo / porridge / unknown off of the wall. But if he's that bothered, perhaps you could suggest that he makes a bit more effort to be engaging and romantic with you day-to-day, and the rest may be more likely to follow.

If you've only been together a short while, and are still in the "honeymoon" bit, I guess it's a bit more usual for people to be more touchy feely? But again, it's a two way street. If he's worth it, and you have the time and want to, there's no harm to investing in more time together. In neither case is him whinging about it sexy though.

I think the bit about being sweaty at the gym derailed the thread a bit 😂

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 08/04/2024 23:43

WhiteLeopard · 08/04/2024 18:20

I would also have taken the sweating thing literally.

Me too. Why would being sweaty from exercise be a turn on?

TimeandMotion · 08/04/2024 23:46

He’s Just Not That Into You

SallyWD · 08/04/2024 23:50

I don't think the idea of a sweaty woman is a turn on for most men (or vice versa). If DH sent me that text I'd send a similar reply to the one your DH sent. If DH then told me off for not realising it was sexy, yes I might say it's a bit forced.

Ausish · 08/04/2024 23:57

Relationships aren’t easy but they’re also not meant to be that hard. Less games, less angst over little things like misunderstood text message. Just jump his bones. Then you’ll know.

Testina · 09/04/2024 00:18

I don’t find that message flirtatious at all - especially the emoji, it’s entirely the wrong one to convey anything sexy!

BUT …

You say you’ve sent messages to better reception in the past. And presumably, this style of message is the same /similar?

I think he’s gone off the relationship and is too gutless to say so, and is instead picking at you from his own frustration and hoping (subconsciously or otherwise) that you’ll do the hard part of ending it. Or, he’s a nasty piece of work who likes being nasty to you.

Different example, but my last boyfriend would touch me (bottom squeeze for example) if he passed me at home, and during the day would send random heart emojis. When we first got together, I loved that he wanted to touch all the time, and I’d see the heart and think, “he’s think of me! Yay!”

Then, I just went off the relationship. Nothing bad, it just didn’t have longevity. So I then got “the ick”. The touching made me roll my eyes and felt like groping not attraction. The hearts just seemed pointless and no effort and they irritated me - why beep my phone with this shit?! He’d done nothing wrong, it really was a case of, “it’s me, not you”.

The difference is, I wasn’t an arsehole to him about it (just ended it).

Whether anyone else finds that flirtatious or not isn’t the point. He chose to make you feel uncomfortable about it, when it was OK before. Your title says he he consistently making you feel not good enough. Get out. He’s either just no longer than interested and treating you poorly in a gutless if not malicious way - or, he’s actually a nasty bastard. Either way - everyone is worth more than that.

LiterallyOnFire · 09/04/2024 00:21

Blimey OP. You both sound like hard work TBH. You think "I'm sweating" is an obviously sexy text, and he's not speaking to you now after telling you to be more natural? Maybe you should both just chill out a bit?

RobertaFirmino · 09/04/2024 00:23

Even if Virgil Van Dijk texted me to say he was all sweaty, I'd tell him to get a shower.

BobbyBiscuits · 09/04/2024 01:15

I think sexting/flirty texts can seem annoying if the other person isn't horny.
If all else was well, then It's not really that deep I'd imagine other than that.
But the fact he's not talking to you, well it makes me think he's finding excuses to be an arsehole. Unless you've been married 50 years (lol), you would not expect your partner to blank you because you requested sex?! I'd split with him now before his interest turns from indifference to abject annoyance.
You should look for someone you're more compatible with.

Denou · 09/04/2024 01:26

But is he right? You say that text used to turn him on. Did you send it this time out of habit or because you thought you should rather than because you were genuinely feeling flirty?

Charles11 · 09/04/2024 01:43

I wouldn't think that was a sexy message. Just sounds like you were working out hard.
You needed to write something like
"I'm sweaty. And hot 😉 "
Then it would be clear it was flirty.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 02:04

So it was hot and sexy and got him going in the old days and now he just looks and sees the words rather than the intent?

Yeah, you are furniture. He got you, he can have sex when he wants and doesnt have to put any effort in, so he doesnt.

I was married to a man like that his indifference killed our marriage. Then his next partner, who was lovely and she and I got on really well, finished with him after about the same number of years as I did. And for the same reason (yes, she told me!) and he genuinely didnt get it! When we split he said that he accepted that I had tried to talk to him and tell him and he hadnt listened and that he was sorry for that. So I really thought he would have learned his lesson, except he hadnt.

He is alone. I am happy and so is his ex partner (she and I are still friends, which he finds odd and weird!).

Be very careful because right now he is in the perfect place for an affair. And before I am jumped on, I am not saying he is cheating but that failing to see your partner in the way you used to is the first step. All he needs is someone else to show an interest and make him feel the way he did when you first got together, and he could be in dangerous waters.

Mayflower282 · 09/04/2024 02:16

Sweating is not sexy…it’s gross 🤢

KomodoOhno · 09/04/2024 02:22

If I got this my mind would not go to sext times.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 02:27

Mayflower282 · 09/04/2024 02:16

Sweating is not sexy…it’s gross 🤢

Thats irrelevant.

A few years ago he would (guessing from what the OP said) have replied with something like "Oh wouldnt you rather get sweaty with me than at the gym" or similar. Now he says "Better have a shower then"

Its not about the words, its about how he sees her now versus how he saw her then.