Being moaned at for not being ‘natural’. I’m so tired of not being good enough

[CandyflossStall]

A few weeks ago my partner told me it feels like I’m not being natural and trying to force intimate things. I didn’t really understand where he was coming from.

This evening, I went to the gym and texted my partner “I’m sweating 🥵”. He used to react well to this but today he just said “I bet! Did you do legs?”
Jokily, I later pointed out that I was trying to be flirty. He said that he was sorry, he didn’t realise and he just took it literally. I said it was a bit worrying because if he’d texted me that, I’d be all over it because I’m attracted to him. And he used to be as well.

He then plays the whole unnatural card. He asked why I sent it, and said if I only sent it because I wanted him to find it hot, then it’s unnatural and forcing it. He’s now not speaking to me.

Since when is sending something you think someone will find hot, being unnatural?
I used to send him explicit pictures, flirty texts etc for the pure intent of him enjoying it. He certainly didn’t mind then…

Surely this is weird?

“I said it was a bit worrying because if he’d texted me that, I’d be all over it because I’m attracted to him. And he used to be as well.”

This seems like a bit of an OTT response to someone who said (as many others on this thread have) that he didn’t realise it was flirty. I’m not surprised he’s a bit shirty with you.

Do you have other problems?

It isn't. Flirting is when you show up naked carrying beer. At this point, most men think "if I play my cards right, I could be in here" 😂

It all sounds very superficial, maybe the relationship has moved on from the lusty bit and he's matured a bit . Flirty texts are cringe

The issue you here is not the text its that's he is criticising your behaviour to the point you feel awkward and unhappy. Either he's really not that into you any more and too cowardly to tell you. Or he's enjoying putting you down. I'd start to disengage if not actually finish this you deserve better.

Leaving the sweating thing aside (and I wouldn’t find that sexy either but each to their own), what I find odd is his fixation on your “naturalness”.

It seems like he thinks you are trying too hard or forcing something that’s not there.

Feels like this is one of two things: either he is backing off a bit and trying to tell you to cool it. Or he’s a bit of a control freak and likes to dictate your responses. Neither scenario sounds great.

It sounds your style of communication isn’t working. Neither of you are being very clear about what you mean and you’re both then making negative assumptions.

If you think this is generally a good relationship, then you both need to invest some time learning to talk openly with other and saying exactly what you mean. Forget texting for a while and speak to each other.

Don't beat yourself up - this is just a communication issue and you can figure it out together!

I agree with @WappityWabbit - try just saying what you think/ want and not trying to be cute." -- it isn't as romantic but some guys (points at OH) find it hot when it doesn't need any effort to decode.

In all honesty it seems that he's just not that into you anymore. Hard to hear but move on, it will only get worse

Ah now I know why everyone is on their phone at the gym. Just hurry up and get off the equipment I want to use, please.

This. Do you balance the sexy texts with loving texts or even just boring texts to say hi? I had this once when I was very young and thought that’s what men wanted and was told by the boyfriend I was treating him like a piece of meat.

If a man had sent that to his partner expecting it to be a come on or flirtatious it would be unattractive and probably a bit creepy.

Perhaps he finds you too intense?

You both sound a bit odd to be honest, your approaches and then he's not talking to you now?

I'm only a few years out of 5 years' online dating and I 'get' this.
Also a fellow gym bunny, so have definitely sent the sweaty thirst trap.
My husband and I definitely engaged in this level of flirting when we were first dating.

I do also find myself sometimes missing/trying to kickstart that again.

Realistically, I think in the early days of dating, before you're really in the relationship and have deeper foundations, both parties engage in this contrived flirting - we know what we're getting at, everything is about the nookie, and everything is sexy, because we're not yet secure enough to just not be interested/have a bad day, but also because it's all new so everything is quite literally the hottest thing ever!
As relationships grow, I think a more authentic attraction grows, or doesn't if truly incompatible.
I've had to relax in to that more 'natural' flow of things, and it's nice in its own way. My husband will now suddenly be all excited if I talk passionately about something I've learned that day, or get him a little gift while I'm out. If I'm honest, it does feel better than sending out random callouts, but it is sometimes less exciting and can miss the confidence boost of 'making' him respond.

....which is probably why plenty of people can stray in relationships, it's easy to miss that buzz if you're not focusing on the upside of the more authentic connection and attraction.

Of course, if you're not compatible beyond the passion phase, you may struggle to find that. Maybe think about the times he does respond/come on to you?

Perhaps he's a bit bored of you.............

This reminds me of that most romantic of chat up lines ‘for a fat girl you don’t sweat very much’
It does sound as if he’s telling you to back off but isn’t very good at expressing himself.

That doesn't strike me as a particularly flirty or sexy message, so I'm not surprised he didn't pick up on it. If someone sent me a message saying they were sweaty at the gym, I'd assume they'd been exercising hard. I'd also be expecting them to have a shower before any attempts at sexy-time. Sweat just isn't that sexy for a lot of people.

I think sometimes a too-frequent rate of 'sexy' messages and photos does come across as a bit trying-too-hard, and there's more to a relationship than just sex. Maybe your partner is feeling like you only want him for one thing at the moment? That's not a nice feeling for anyone to have.

"I'm sweating" was probably not the best example as now people will over analyse that and say they would find it off-putting. The issue is of course that he has changed his behaviour.
I had a long distance boyfriend when I was younger. We used to send flirty, suggestive messages and explicit pictures. I sent a picture one time and he just said "nice" and changed the subject. I got a bit of a sick feeling from that as it was very different from his usual response. I think if I'd posted on here at the time people would have said "but he said it was nice, what's the issue?" He broke up with me very shortly afterwards.

I wouldn’t find a sweaty text sexy either 🤣 if my husband sent that I’d tell him to shower before coming home.
How long have you guys been together? The constant state of arousal does wane in a normal relationship. My husband and I used to send pictures to each other too-but to be honest, if he did it now I’d assume he’d found something unusual and was sending it to me for medical reasons 🤣

What's next?
'I'm typing', 'I'm washing-up', 'I'm shopping', 'I'm eating carrots'.

I'm sure most men would be gagging for it if they received a message like that 😂

You need to work on your rizz. That's an ewww not a 😉

If he's changed though maybe it's nearing the end?

This!

🤣

He’s now not speaking to me.

That’s the most important thing you’ve said, OP. Never mind the misunderstanding. The silent treatment is a love-killer. It really is. Communication is essential. He also seems to criticise you a lot. I wouldn’t stay with someone like that.

You sound 16, OP.

How do you know he'll enjoy it though? Not everyone has a BO fetish lol

Not sure how you got from this to him not speaking to you.