To throw DD's things in the bin!

[ooerrrr]

Am beyond exasperated with DD (16) - her room is a shit hole and I mean a TOTAL shit hole.

Filthy clothes everywhere, on floor, under bed, stuffed back in with clean clothes. Blood stained knickers!

Food and wrappers everywhere, drinking glasses - 2 of which were smashed.
Make up literally everywhere, tops of it all, marked all over bedding

She is doing her GCSES this month and there is no possible way she can revise in that mess. School work tossed everywhere, random sheets of work crumpled and torn.

In top of it all she constantly takes my things - have found 2 pairs of my trainers with laces missing (she uses them as belts 😡) perfume under bed, used up and missing its lid, my make up ruined.

I asked, pleaded, threatened, too many times and I lost the plot this afternoon. When I went in there to get something I stood in some broken glass. I retrieved everything that was mine andthen proceeded to get a load of bin bags and throw everything that was broken, dirty, clearly not given a shit about in bin bags.
There are 5 full bags which are waiting to be put out for rubbish.

She is a Shein addict so buys more and more stuff but never looks after things.

I am not particularly house proud but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Waiting for shit to hit the fan when she gets back from work....

I'd be furious too, I'd also be worried about the lack of self care going on.

There is a fine line though between having rules you expect her to stick so and the consequences of breaking them. They should be proportional.

Is there a rule/consequence about her room?

YABVU. Way to ruin your relationship with your daughter. This kind of thing will stay with her forever. I would be rushing to put it all back right now if I were you. You are the adult, and she needs your support.

What a dirty little toad!

you did the right thing!

In the future (my tip) is to pick EVERYTHING up off the floor, get the brush and get everything from under the bed and Dump it all on the bed. Then clean and hoover around it.

confiscate phone/ipad

return it only when the room has been tidied.

rinse.repeat

Exactly this. I still remember my mum doing this when I was 15 and I was broadly tidy. I just hadn't tidied at the precise time she said. It was an immature reaction on her part.

You'd be much better off talking with your DD.

She’s doing her GCSEs. She’s going to be really stressed out at the moment. She’s also still holding down a part time job alongside that. Sounds like a great 16 year old. I know my house gets messy when I’ve had a particularly busy week at work. You are holding her to unfair standards and I really feel sorry for her. Why don’t you have a conversation with her? Take her for a Starbucks when she’s finished school one night, and gently but firmly bring it up then that you are feeling exasperated by how messy her room is and say it cannot continue. Treat her like an adult. That would be my advice. It will go a long way.

I think you need to figure out what is going on with your daughter. Maybe she’s just a slob but probably not. My mum would hit the roof over my room when I was the same age. It wasn’t anywhere near as bad but I was depressed and so tidying my room was the last thing on my mind and was basically an impossible task. My dad used to tell her to just shut the door on the mess and I was so grateful to him for that. If there’s stuff that can cause a health issue then by all means clear it away but I think you need to figure out why she doesn’t care about herself enough to look after her space.

’Why don’t my adult DC ever visit’

As a one off I would gut it for her.... get through the GCSES.... this is not the time to piss her off

Make it nice but keep minimal

Then speak to her and layout expectations. Once exams are over and it's a mess again then lay in to her

She's studying for her GCSEs and working a part time job. She sounds like an okay kid to me. Perhaps offer to help her tidy up her room? Throwing her stuff away will drive a wedge between you.

Conversation + plan needed. I was a bit like this but not to this fairly extreme extent (ND). My mum didn’t really consider storage solutions.

1. How can we improve this untenable situation (together)? Throw a limited amount of money at it. I’ve just bough AuDHD DS1 a 5x5 Kallax and his room has been spotless ever since. Maybe a feature wall as well?
2. Could you have a ‘joint spruce’ once a week followed by a treat e.g. Starbucks?

All mine have gone through this stage as teens. Those with own homes now are extremely clean/tidy

Those still at home are more mindful

All of them look back fondly on the times I've gone in with bin bags. We laugh about it now.

You need to put a lockable door knob on your bedroom door OP. It'll stop her helping herself.

As for her room, you do need to just shut the door on it all.

There have been many many conversations, taken for coffee, offers to help. I don't have ridiculous standards but broken glass, food under bed, my personal items wrecked?!!

Put her stuff back op. Taking your things is unacceptable, but there was was no need for you to join in.

I know there’s a train of thought - their room/their mess/let them on with it but my view is - my house which myself and DH paid for, you have a lovely bedroom to yourself, a warm comfortable home, a loving family - have respect and keep your room tidy. Not immaculate but certainly not a total mess.

It’s something I’ve always insisted on with my teenagers. Laundry in laundry basket. No meals eaten in bedroom. Any cups and glasses brought downstairs daily. Rubbish in bin, not on floor, etc.

We might have had the occasional battle about room tidiness but it hasn’t affected our relationship or emotional scarred them.

Is she neurodivergent? Suffering with poor mental health or stress?

Bin bags isn’t the solution and is pretty traumatic tbh. Does she even know how to clean, have you ever taught her? In the time it took you to put her stuff in bin bags you could have tidied her room. She won’t still be doing this when she’s 25, it is just a phase because I daresay right now is a very stressful time for her.

What exactly do you think throwing her stuff away will achieve apart from making you feel like you have won. And doing it while she is at work is a bit shitty.

Meh, the messy room is her business. Shut the door and leave her to it. One of mine was like that, her room looked like something off Hoarders. She keeps it much neater and tidier these days.
However, I would be on at her to remove plates, glasses etc every day before science experiments start growing in them. And I definitely would have consequences for her taking anything of mine without permission.

Just put the bags of crap on her bed. Close the door and leave her to it.

The decaying food thing is horrible though, it reminds me of Miss Havisham. But how to solve it I don't know.

They usually grow out of it eventually, if that's any consolation.

Oh and maybe get a lock for your own bedroom door so there's no more "borrowing" of your stuff without permission?

Imagine being 16, stressed to the max about all of your upcoming exams and coming home from a long day at work to all your possessions in bin bags. It’ll be a terrible start to her week. I really hope you’ve got time to put it back OP before she gets home.

Messy while in the throes of revision is one thing, but broken glass and filthy bedding is completely different and a risk to everyone's health.

Why is it significant if she is ND? Are ND teenagers to be allowed to live in filth with broken glass all over the floor and bloody knickers draped around?

You need to teach her how to tidy and care for possessions. That's a parent's job. It doesn't come naturally to everyone. Get her to do 15 mins a day - focusing on one thing alone each time so she doesn't get overwhelm:

Day 1 - Get her to collect all dirty glasses and plates etc and take to the kitchen. Put in dishwasher or stack in sink. Wrap broken ones in plenty of newspaper. Don't do it for her or get cross just explain this is what we do with these things.

Day 2 - Mum's stuff. Collect anything belonging to mum. Wipe clean all makeup and replace lids. Find laces for shoes and rethread them. Check clothes - hang clean ones; put dirty ones in laundry.

Day 3 Floordrobe - separate clean and dirty clothes. Fold clean ones for now and put away. Put dirty clothes in laundry hamper

Day 4 - Clear one surface - a desk/nightstand/dressing table. Clean surface and any containers. Chuck out broken stuff, put back good stuff.

Day 5 one more surface, Day 6 another surface,

Day 7 Vacuum. Change bedding.

Then once it's in better order after just a week, get her to keep doing the same single focus tidy each day. Some days it will only take 2 mins.

Tried to teach her, have done it for her. Nothing works
What tipped me over the edge this afternoon was finding the dog rooting around under her bed and walking across broken glass