To throw DD's things in the bin!

[ooerrrr]

Am beyond exasperated with DD (16) - her room is a shit hole and I mean a TOTAL shit hole.

Filthy clothes everywhere, on floor, under bed, stuffed back in with clean clothes. Blood stained knickers!

Food and wrappers everywhere, drinking glasses - 2 of which were smashed.
Make up literally everywhere, tops of it all, marked all over bedding

She is doing her GCSES this month and there is no possible way she can revise in that mess. School work tossed everywhere, random sheets of work crumpled and torn.

In top of it all she constantly takes my things - have found 2 pairs of my trainers with laces missing (she uses them as belts 😡) perfume under bed, used up and missing its lid, my make up ruined.

I asked, pleaded, threatened, too many times and I lost the plot this afternoon. When I went in there to get something I stood in some broken glass. I retrieved everything that was mine andthen proceeded to get a load of bin bags and throw everything that was broken, dirty, clearly not given a shit about in bin bags.
There are 5 full bags which are waiting to be put out for rubbish.

She is a Shein addict so buys more and more stuff but never looks after things.

I am not particularly house proud but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Waiting for shit to hit the fan when she gets back from work....

What kind of support? For Mummy to tidy her room? I disagree.

Op said she has asked, pleaded, threatened, too many times and I lost the plot this afternoon

Dd needs to learn how to keep her room tidy.

But op has done that multiple times!

I don't think it's 'unfair standards' not to have smashed glasses in your room, or to leave make-up with lids off so things get stained. I'm not surprised OP is upset/frustrated.

This was me too, precisely!

Re her pt job, it is a very informal arrangement with someone who runs a small business in our village. DD picks and chooses her hours to suit her - maximum of about 8 hours.
She loves it and it's entirely her decision if she wants to work through exams.

Don’t throw those bags out. It’s good if her room is clear for her revision and exams. Get her to sort through them AFTER her exams

I think you were quite right. You have tried reasonable now it is time for shock tactics. Mumsnet largely seems to think anyone under 18 must be excused anything and everything and all problems are your fault. Bollocks to that. 16 is old enough to take responsibility for her own bedroom.

If you know any Neuro divergent people, ask them for tips.

I have always had rubbish executive functioning and it's a question of trial and error until you find the method that suits you best. Plus accepting that it will always be a struggle and there'll be times you need to overhaul everything and re set

This was a game changer for me.

The OP has not said that her daughter is ND...

I'm amazed by all the replies here. Would you all really accept such terrible behaviour from your own Dc? If OP's dc can study for GCSEs and has a part-time job, then she can tidy her room.

And there's no excuse for taking and wrecking OP's things, which she has worked hard for.

And op has tried and tried to talk to her dd but nothing has changed. Maybe a short, sharp shock is what's needed.

I know. But there's no law that states that things that work for ND people can't be used for anyone else. LOL

In fact it's great if ND friendly things are used more widely. Makes them more normalised. My NT daughter benefits a lot from things I find helps me and my son who are both ND.

We are not gatekeeping stuff that might help someone!

And as some of us famously struggle with mess, why not share what helped us in the hope it helps?

I think the ND suggestions are because she might hate it being like that but not know how to change it - and avoidance of the situation is another ND trait. I have ADHD and it’s exactly how I was as a teenager - I was shamed and expected to sort it but was never actually taught how, and besides that I lacked the focus and organizational skills to be able to. And even when family offered to help I would feel overwhelmed and exhausted at the prospect so would just shut down.

it’s just a suggestion so op can possibly look at other explanations and solutions to the behaviour.

I understand that and that list looked useful. It's the general implications on this thread that the Dd can't help it, rather than she's more likely to be lazy and pretty awful to ruin her mother's things

And if the child was a boy they’d all be telling her to kick him out 😂

Broken glass and using shoelaces as belts are red flags to me. Have you seen her arms and legs recently? Has she lost weight? Does she eat okay? How's her mental health generally?

I personally couldn't cope with a room that bad in my house so would say something along the lines of 'I'm assuming all that crap on the floor you don't want so I'll bag up for the charity shop...'

Do you give her money? I'd be stopping that until some improvement is seen.

Honestly, the “gentle parenting” comments on this thread!

Blood-stained knickers, broken glass and mouldy food - as well as constantly nicking OP’s stuff?

And the answer is “take her for a Starbucks?”🤣

No bloody wonder kids are so entitled these days.

No, op it isn’t acceptable - it’s a health hazard, an accident waiting to happen and also thieving your stuff isn’t ok.

By all means help her sort it out but put your foot down - “right, we’re doing this now - let’s get it done together” and just crack on - if she won’t get involved then yes stick it outside or in the garage for her to go through herself whilst you vacuum and dust. Maybe suggest going and buying some nice stationery/organisers together to prepare for exams. Try and approach it in a positive way but make it clear there’s no excuses - it’s getting done today one way or another.

She's doing exams. This is an intensely stressful time for her.

Keep the stuff in the bin bags and help her sort through it .

completely agree with you. My daughter was very similar at that age, and used to leave used sanitary towels lying around, often still attached to her underwear, rotting food, mugs with thick mould growth, and piles of worn and ironed clothing mixed together. She always said she would tidy up later but later never came.

You've got my sympathy, OP - you've clearly tried to get your daughter to keep her room to at least a basic standard, and as that's not worked, then I don't think there's any alternative but to do something more drastic. Having read your updates you've clearly bent over backwards to be as reasonable as possible, and I would be inclined to give her a short deadline to sort through the bin bags before you chuck them out.

Why Starbucks specifically?

The same. Both had trashed teen bedrooms at one point or another and both have show homes (well one is a bit full of stuff)

I can't stand "end of" either.

It's like Phil Mitchell is laying down his law on Mumsnet 🙄

Yeah I have ADHD so you’re not unique. But I have respect for others as well.

Totally agree with this post.

I agree, leave her to wallow in her own shit.

YANBU at all, she clearly has far too much stuff if you collected five bin bags worth of items she hasn’t looked after!

Heres a tip: wild rice looks like mouse poo, maybe leave some on some of her clothes or in her bed and let her know she needs to sort the mess out as mice have moved in.