To throw DD's things in the bin!

[ooerrrr]

Am beyond exasperated with DD (16) - her room is a shit hole and I mean a TOTAL shit hole.

Filthy clothes everywhere, on floor, under bed, stuffed back in with clean clothes. Blood stained knickers!

Food and wrappers everywhere, drinking glasses - 2 of which were smashed.
Make up literally everywhere, tops of it all, marked all over bedding

She is doing her GCSES this month and there is no possible way she can revise in that mess. School work tossed everywhere, random sheets of work crumpled and torn.

In top of it all she constantly takes my things - have found 2 pairs of my trainers with laces missing (she uses them as belts 😡) perfume under bed, used up and missing its lid, my make up ruined.

I asked, pleaded, threatened, too many times and I lost the plot this afternoon. When I went in there to get something I stood in some broken glass. I retrieved everything that was mine andthen proceeded to get a load of bin bags and throw everything that was broken, dirty, clearly not given a shit about in bin bags.
There are 5 full bags which are waiting to be put out for rubbish.

She is a Shein addict so buys more and more stuff but never looks after things.

I am not particularly house proud but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Waiting for shit to hit the fan when she gets back from work....

Other neurodiversities are also avaliable.

I feel you op I'm having exactly the same issue with my dd17.
Last week I went in there removed all the rubbish and plates etc. sorted her clothes so I could wash them all has had no idea what was clean or dirty not did she.

Guess what a week later the room is a pig sty yet again. All the clothes I washed are all over the floor and not in the wardrobe.

I've tried lots of things over the past few years but nothing makes her want to tidy up her room. Banned friends coming, took away privileges etc

These threads make my teeth itch. There is something about a load of women getting hyper about a teenage girl not being ‘neat and tidy’ enough. God the collective angst 🙄 - no wonder women are still in a domestic dark ages… yes broken glass, plates and mouldy food is one thing - give her a good old fashioned bollocking like you would a strapping son and tell her the wifi goes off until she bloody well brings them down and puts them in the appropriate places. But otherwise let her space be her space. Plenty of years to be the perfect Stepford Wife yet…

Sounds like she just lets it build up then can't deal with the sheer mess, but ultimately, she can't carry on like that. Nicking and using /ruining your stuff is appalling. She has zero respect. OP hasn't mentioned nd, so are we assume she isn't? She can't carry on destroying glasses etc. Immediate ban on anything such as crockery and glasses going upstairs. I certainly wasn't allowed to take food up. She can have a water bottle.

She needs to go through the bin bags. You need a lock on your door, OP, although that's extreme. Try taking her nice trainers /make-up etc. It isn't hers to take.

As an aside, does she not care about the child labour/Shein thing?

I wouldn’t throw her belongings out, but I would tell her they are confiscated until she can prove she doesnt live like a slob. A messy bedroom is one thing, but broken glass and stained knickers is another. Thats unhygienic and dangerous.

My mum knew I was under a lot of stress during exams and she would say to me, you go relax , im going to clean your room, she would change sheets, do all washing , set everything up for me and I would then sit and study ...

What im saying is that, that allowed me to get my As.

I wasn't good at tidying but as I grew up I got better.

This is nothing to do with domestic goddesses. That's ridiculous, it's about respect for a house that is not hers yet. When she owns a property herself she can live with bloody knickers and broken glass.
And the same would be said to any "strapping young man" too.🙄

This is unusually bad. Any chance there's a reason? I doubt she wants to live like this. Is it possible she's not actually able to get her act together?

Personally, I'd leave the shit hitting the fan until after her exams. Nothing has worked so far. Getting angry won't help either. It'll just cause a lot of drama at a time when calm is needed.

Do me a favour, I get just as frustrated with DS although he manages to keep his room just the right side of hovel!
Nothing to do with trying to mould a Stepford wife 🙄

...but had you been stealing your mum's things?

I wouldn't throw it away. But I would tell her what youve done, tell her to clean what is in there and then give her one bin bag back at a time that she can sort through and put away until her room is clean. I would offer to help her do it.

I don't think YABU for feeling angry, upset and disrespected. But could you have taken a different stance? Chucked all dark clothes into one bag, lights into another. Give the room a quick spruce and change bedding. So when she arrived home you could have a calm chat along the lines of. I know you're stressed with upcoming exams. Thought I'd give you a nice place to study. Can we keep things tidy? 5 minutes a day alarm for a tidying blitz of the room and... your washings sorted in bags ready for you to stick in wash.

Maybe then calmly advise her that you'd noticed several of what you believe yo be your possessions broken, used up etc and it would be nice if she could replace those at somepoint in the near future.

Honestly. Ignoring the situation won't help her in the long run, surely she doesn't invite friends over?

You sound like you've been pretty tolerant so far.

I think you are getting a hard time here, i agree with you. A few clothes on the floor, a few cups fine, but leaving bloody stained knickers around the room is horrible and dirty, and broken glass is a hazard! I don't think you are being unreasonable, you are at the end of your tether and rightly so.

There is a clear lack of respect for you, taking your possesions without asking, ruining your makeup, using all of your perfume, taking laces out of your trainers etc. She's 16, she knows what is right and wrong. You've tried the gentle approach and asked her many times, talked about and it's not worked. I don't blame you , she needs to learn a lesson. I wouldn't throw it away yet, give her the opportunity to sort though it and clean her room , otherwise it goes in the bin.

I think there are three separate issues here.

One is the “sanitary” clutter, like papers. The second is the unsanitary stuff, like food which can attract insects, and broken glass. The third issue is stealing your things.

Unsanitary stuff needs to be gone ASAP, for the wellbeing of both your daughter and the rest of the family. Go ahead and take back everything she’s taken from you. The “sanitary” clutter is trickier, especially if she paid for it (Shein and such) with her own money.

i have ADHD, and although I never left bloodstained underwear lying around, I had huge amounts of clutter and dirty dishes in my room as a teenager. ADHD or not, keeping things organized is a life skill that everyone needs to learn.

I’d give her a set period of time - probably two weeks minimum - to get the non-rubbish organized. Anything that doesn’t get put away leaves the house after that time period, and if she doesn’t want it to leave in a rubbish bin, she’s in charge of making other arrangements. Food in her room and stealing stuff result in consequences from now on.

No because that would have got me a smack in the head, and I haven't forgiven her for the physical abuse either.

Honestly, having lived in enough shared houses, it's clear that the slob adults were slob teens whose parents pandered to them and let them live in filth for fear of hurting their feelings.

Hopefully OP's daughter won't be yet another adult-child who cannot pick up after themselves and expects everyone around them to do it for them.

That's not true though and someone always says that on these sort of threads.

I got A's and A*s at GCSE. I still had to pull my weight and keep my stuff clean, tidy and not be a slob.

I didn't know how to keep things tidy when I was a teen, no one taught me and I have a neurodiversity that makes organising really hard. My parents definitely didn't pander to it. They punished me by throwing things at me, hitting me, dragging me downstairs by my hair, told me i was worthless, none of which helped me learn to keep space clean.

Interesting, my ADHD sister was like this. Her flat is cleaning but cluttered now.
I am ADHD and lean towards being clean and tidy or I can't relax
DD is ADHD and can be a right messy monster. I draw the line at food items and we have an amnesty box where she and DS put their stuff and return to dishwasher weekly, no questions asked. Start with this. Then she needs to learn how to sort her own washing. My DS is 15 and washes and dries his own clothes! I still do his school shirts with the whites but other than that he's learned the "easy care 40 and washing pods" thing isn't too hard.

Stealing my things I'd definitely tackle first. If she's got £ to spend at Shein, she needs to replace your things she's nicked, otherwise then you will go through her room like you did when she was 7, and tidy it.

Give her the chance, try to educate and set deadlines, with consequences if they're not met. Yes it's her own space but unsanitary living is a step too far

So, if she wants to have a “relationship” with her daughter she has to allow her walk all over her, use her things and destroy them, damage the house and the things in it and make no effort to live like a semi-responsible human being?

Unbelievable!

I don’t support smacking but I would hit the room if my boys took DH’s or each others’ stuff.

Is this a widespread issue? I would never have dared just go and take my DM’s perfume or makeup.

I must be living in a parallel universe.... bedroom strewn with dirty clothes blood stained pants, broken glass and other detritus and most people are saying it's fine and understandable due to her working and studying for her GCSE's and she sounds like a great kid...
I'm always hearing 'raise your bar/standards' on here. I suppose 16 year old are exempt then. This disrespectful behaviour is bloody rank. Pretty sure the OP has much more on her plate than to clean up after her skanky daughter.
If you all think this is acceptable I hate to think what sort of homes you live in.

What utter bollox. She needs to learn about being tidy, self care, hygiene.
Wushu washy platitudes mean absolutely nothing and gains nothing.

It does sound pretty bad but I don’t think you should have put anything that isn’t broken into bin bags. This is exactly the kinda thing my mum did. She would bin my things. Pull all my drawers n wardrobe out onto the floor, go thru all my personal stuff. I can so clearly remember just sitting in amongst all the mess with all the shit she had then pulled out on top of it just sitting crying overwhelmed by it and also getting shouted at for whatever she had found thst didn’t please her like little notes of teenage chat me n my friends would write each other. I literally had no privacy. Maybe ur daughter feels this way ?