To throw DD's things in the bin!

[ooerrrr]

Am beyond exasperated with DD (16) - her room is a shit hole and I mean a TOTAL shit hole.

Filthy clothes everywhere, on floor, under bed, stuffed back in with clean clothes. Blood stained knickers!

Food and wrappers everywhere, drinking glasses - 2 of which were smashed.
Make up literally everywhere, tops of it all, marked all over bedding

She is doing her GCSES this month and there is no possible way she can revise in that mess. School work tossed everywhere, random sheets of work crumpled and torn.

In top of it all she constantly takes my things - have found 2 pairs of my trainers with laces missing (she uses them as belts 😡) perfume under bed, used up and missing its lid, my make up ruined.

I asked, pleaded, threatened, too many times and I lost the plot this afternoon. When I went in there to get something I stood in some broken glass. I retrieved everything that was mine andthen proceeded to get a load of bin bags and throw everything that was broken, dirty, clearly not given a shit about in bin bags.
There are 5 full bags which are waiting to be put out for rubbish.

She is a Shein addict so buys more and more stuff but never looks after things.

I am not particularly house proud but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Waiting for shit to hit the fan when she gets back from work....

I was bin bagged by my mother, at an even younger age. I'll never forget it, and it was traumatic.

It's definitely not a solution to this problem.

I did this last year in my daughter's room, everything that was on the floor or dumped I bagged up and put into the garage. Then over a few weeks we went through her wardrobe, all the bags and cleared out which left a tidy and organised space.
I did similar to my sd when I saw the state of her after she'd gone back to her mums.
And today again my daughters floor was a mess so I bagged it all up and put it on her bed for her to sort, which she has

I love how people think that because the child lives in a cesspit that the OP hasn't taught her how to tidy up.

OP I feel your pain. It was so much easier when the kids were little and I could keep things clean, tidy, organised and be in control. Now, all 3 of them (teenagers) are so messy. I've tried every which way......support, bribery, cajoling, helping, guiding, short bursts (3 minutes?).

I am not houseproud, but like yourself with rotting food, used sanitary wear etc it just drives me round the twist.
Sometimes, I'll go in and try to help tidy, clean, disinfect and I'll put stuff on their bed so they can put it away.
My youngest is so belligerent and defiant she will just sleep on the floor.
Then, I'll go in the next day and not only is the bed piled high, but there's a whole load of new shite scattered around the floor, on the sides. All sorts of random and unnecessary mess.

Nowadays, I will give so many warnings and then I'll just bin stuff.
I keep telling my youngest that I need to be able to open her door and walk in to her bedroom so I can put clothes away, and she needs to be able to get out on case of fire/emergency. She doesn't listen. So now her clothes are in quarantine and I hand out clothes as she needs them.

Dd 16 is the same. I clean and tidy her room for her. She struggles with mental health (anxiety asd referral) and it’s just one thing I can do to help her. I’m also v messy, so she knows there’s no judgement from me. She was a bit resistant when I first started a couple of years ago (shame/embarrassment) but now is grateful and thanks me. I can’t always help her with all the stuff going on in her life, but I can fold her favourite pjs up on her clean made bed for when she gets back from school.

Now is not the time, wait until she has finished her exams and then tell her that she does not take your things and the room stays clean., if not there will be no more money, lifts or favours from you and if you find clean clothes that you have laundered thrown on the floor it will be the last time you do her washing. She is old enough to keep her room clean and old enough to understand you do not take without asking.. Tell her and mean it.

Hi, I'm a ND person and recognise some me of what's going on here. I don't know if this young person is ND, but if anyone is reading this and has ND family members who find cleaning and tidying excruciating, do check out a brilliant app called Dubbii. It takes you through how to do things around the house, breaking them down step by step to make them less overwhelming. People get into messes very often because of overwhelm and other executive dysfunction issues. Shaming someone who is struggling with keeping things tidy and orderly is ineffective and causes pain all round. There are ways to help someone who is struggling, firmly but kindly.

Seriously? What kind of parent are you? Let me guess- the ‘do what you want/ disrespect others belongings/ the space you occupy in MY home / basic human expectations of reasonable behaviour ‘ kind? Are you raising a future decent human being or an entitled selfish arrogant one? My mum (god rest her) told me if my kids don’t resent my rules at least once then I’m an ineffectual parent- OP I have 100% sympathy for you. You ANBU- stand your ground x

A future decent human being who will hopefully not grow to resent or fear me.

Never said it’s acceptable to live in a mess - there are ways and means and throwing a child’s belongings into a bin bag is inappropriate no matter what.

HTH.

Slightly off point but I work with grown adults like this! They do not tidy up after themselves or look after anything.

The point I would like to make is when rodents and pests start to infest your home the impact will be wider than DD's bedroom. The whole family/household will suffer and the financial costs will be yours.

I understand your frustration - I too have thrown things in the bin and don't regret it.

Being very, very messy is one thing. Choosing to live in squalor is quite another and I’d assume she’s either struggling emotionally somehow or she’s just bone idle lazy. My DM was always on my back as a teenager to keep my room clean and today, and would say I can live like a pig if I want to when I move out. She gave me basic standards to live by, and your DD should at the very least keep the room clean even if it does look like a tornado has ripped through it.

When I flatshared in the past I lived with three different women who lived in absolute squalor in their bedrooms. For two of those I had to enter their bedrooms when there was a gas leak emergency (different flats/times) and I seriously felt physically sick, one of those rooms I put my trainers in the washing machine afterwards as the floor was so disgustingly filthy. The gas men on both those occasions said such a state is more common than you think.

Doing a few exams is not an excuse for living like a slob. And it does not really take much time and effort to keep one room tidy.

If the dog had cut its foot on the broken glass who would be responsible for the vet bill? The bedroom sounds like a H&S hazard and way beyond acceptable general messiness.

Same here but by my dad. I must have been about 6 and my brother 4 if not younger. We shared a room and I remember things being thrown out of the room and smashing. Lots of shouting, swearing and banging. My eldest isn't far off the age I was at this time. It's a hard circle to get out from and not repeat. My daughter was struggling with the layout of her room and tidying, I've decorated it this week and given her much more storage. I'm hoping that'll help but I know I'll need to help her with maintaining some sort of tidiness. However if she were 16 like OP and there was a health hazard there I'd probably be much harder verbally.

It's her room she is responsible for that mess.

However ..... she shouldn't be taking crockery and your items into her room.

I'd go for locking her out of the places she takes things from and leaves things lying around and broken from.

Have a cupboard she can access plastic plates and cups from in the kitchen (lick breakable stiff away) and she will need to wash them up to use them again.

Teenagers tend to learn when they can't do as they please rather than being told to do the opposite of what they want!

This is lovely of your dad. And so true. Self-esteem, neurodivergence. It’s not normal to be this much of a mess - it’s a symptom

This thread makes me really appreciate my parents. I struggled in so many ways as teen, but I knew I was never judged. I wasn’t always easy, but I never felt ‘less than’ or shamed.

that would be my approach also.
I have an 11 year old who has adhd among other things. He struggles hugely with organisational tasks.

What I have started doing with him instead of asking him to tidy his room and then it just being shoved into cupboards etc is take 5 minutes out of each day to go into his bedroom with him and give him one task to do eg dirty clothes into wash basket. Once that is done give him another task, books put away properly on bookshelves etc.

This way his bedroom stays clean and tidy and no one falls out.

Obviously he is a lot younger and has SEN considerations but could this be a possibility for you with your daughter? I know it will take some time each day but may be worth it to minimise stress on everyone?

Where is she getting the money from
To buy things from SHEIN? Does she do any other chores in the house? What are the consequences for a messy room?

I would have rather had the bin bag treatment than the years of nagging and moaning from my mum. I wasn't as bad as your dd though.

Getting a boyfriend made me sort my shit out pretty quickly though.

For my ds, I think it's a mixture of nd, cba and genuinely he doesn't see why his room needs to be tidy, cos it's his room and it doesn't bother him. We go round in circles, because I want the room to at least be hygienic.

Like a pp, I have to give him specific, short instructions. But even then, that means the burden falls on me, who then has to clean and tidy all the other rooms in the house. I don't want to spend my free time standing in his room, giving him step by step instructions like 'put your t shirts in that drawer', when I did the exact same thing 3 weeks ago. He can analyse texts in detail and remember historical dates perfectly, but not how to pick an item of clothing up from the floor.

And part of my frustration comes from knowing EXACTLY what's going through his head, but knowing that he needs to learn how to sort his shit out.

My mother/parents were the same and cosseted me in the lead up to public exams. However I did take dirty cups/plates downstairs, but they tidied/changed bedding etc. This is the approach I would take until her exams are over. I would also help her tidy her desk and sort the papers out into different subject areas so she can revise properly. And also she shouldn’t have a part time job until the summer holidays!!!

She's not a little girl who's having her precious toys thrown out, she's practically an adult. And you think that someone of 16 should be allowed to get away with living in an utter pigsty and to steal/destroy her mother's belongings? She is ruining the relationship all by herself.

She needs a massive kick up the arse.

Your daughter is not a pig.

Jesus, you don't have to be a Stepford wife to find broken glass, bloodstained clothes and food remnants in a bedroom beyond the pale. Surprised it's just your teeth that are itching if your hygiene standards are that low...

Slightly off topic, but the broken glass is a bit of a red flag for me.

Have you seen her bare arms or legs recently?

My DS "accidentally broke" a few glasses and it transpired he was using the broken glass to self harm.

Not saying your DD is doing this, but as soon as I read that, it was the first thing that sprang to mind.