To throw DD's things in the bin!

[ooerrrr]

Am beyond exasperated with DD (16) - her room is a shit hole and I mean a TOTAL shit hole.

Filthy clothes everywhere, on floor, under bed, stuffed back in with clean clothes. Blood stained knickers!

Food and wrappers everywhere, drinking glasses - 2 of which were smashed.
Make up literally everywhere, tops of it all, marked all over bedding

She is doing her GCSES this month and there is no possible way she can revise in that mess. School work tossed everywhere, random sheets of work crumpled and torn.

In top of it all she constantly takes my things - have found 2 pairs of my trainers with laces missing (she uses them as belts 😡) perfume under bed, used up and missing its lid, my make up ruined.

I asked, pleaded, threatened, too many times and I lost the plot this afternoon. When I went in there to get something I stood in some broken glass. I retrieved everything that was mine andthen proceeded to get a load of bin bags and throw everything that was broken, dirty, clearly not given a shit about in bin bags.
There are 5 full bags which are waiting to be put out for rubbish.

She is a Shein addict so buys more and more stuff but never looks after things.

I am not particularly house proud but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Waiting for shit to hit the fan when she gets back from work....

Thank you for your structured advice, can you please move in!

The difference it makes is how you go about it. No, obviously it’s awful to live like that. Nobody is disputing that. But you can be kind and proactive rather than being cruel. The former has potential to help her find a way to keep her room cleaner, the latter will just create a divide and worsen self esteem and relationships.

I don’t mind a bit of mess but can’t stand dirtiness - things like food, broken glass etc would really get to me.

I think the key with teenagers is to not compare them to siblings or friends as this usually puts them on the defence, e.g. no stuff like ‘Sophies room doesn’t look like this’, ‘would you like your friends to come over and see this’.

I think you need to teach her step by step what to do, take electronics and stand at the door if needs be, if it means getting the bulk of it done. I’d give her black bags and get her to start with rubbish.

1. Chuck as much as possible away.
2. Chuck as much as possible in the laundry.
3. Give everything a space (in wardrobe, in drawers, on desk).
4. Dust and hoover

Then I’d do a 10 min check with her every evening before bed, make her show that there’s no broken bits or food/wrappers, make sure she’s keeping on top of laundry and putting things away. Do that and taper off for as long as is needed. Better to do daily 10 mins then battle for an hour with her every Saturday.

I’d also put a stop to Shein, at least for now. Clearly she doesn’t need more stuff. Get her selling things on Depop or Vinted if she can access the post office easily.

Yanbu that is disgusting. Nip it in the bud now. My friend was like this as a teenager and is still the same now. Her mum would just ignore the mouldy food on plates, clothes everywhere and she now lives like this with children. Blood on knickers on the floor. No it’s unhygienic. It will not ruin your relationship with her. My mum did the same and I’m grateful because those standards keep a happy home as an adult. It’s lazy and scruffy and broken glass is a hazard. What if it went through her foot when she walked in there

I would go for glasses and plates have to be brought down or you will be going in to get them. The clothes I would just leave, to be honest I still have a floordrobe in our dressing room occasional I pick it all up and rewash.

My child has additional needs and his room is immaculate. You set boundaries. She’s a girl and needs to look after things. This is a total lack of respect to her parents. Her mother should not be cleaning up after her at that age and it will not traumatise her. She can go through the bin bags and sort it out properly. It may teach her in future to clean up after herself: her mother is not a live in maid.

I would have done the same OP. Not sure I would throw the bin bags out, I'd say to her she has a week to sort through them and tidy away anything she wants to keep, but then it's going in the bin.

I'd also expect her to clean her room in that week.
Anything just emptied on the floor would go in the bin.

Perhaps it's the shock she needs.

Have you ever actually taught her step by step how to tidy her room? (and then how to keep it tidy)

So because 'she's a girl' she has to look after things? What about boys?

Have you got a garage or a shed? If so could you store the bin liners and let her have 1 at a time to sort and deal with if she wants to?

Would it be ok if she was a boy?

No. She is at an age that she should be capable to keep her room in a decent state, bold stained knickers and glass on the floor are dangerous and unsanitary and the OP as the adult needs to set some boundaries.

Okay. There’s ways to do that though without throwing her belongings in the same space that rubbish goes

Sorry for the TA AT
But the other day a three year old stood in a booth in a restaurant and MN went wild about how the OP was a shit parent about not teaching her 3 year old basic common courtesy.
But op should apparently allow a 16 year old live in an unhygienic cess pit and instilling boundaries is bad parenting?

This place baffles me.

I truly love how different the replies can be on MN depending what day of the week and what time you post at, I find it fascinating! 🤣

Errr yes!

give her the bin bags to sort out.

lock your things away

frankly? she's only going to change when she moves out, IME.

Support?

If she got it back it would be because I tipped it all over the floor!

Don't tell me she doesn't know exactly what she's been doing

If your room was like that, it was in no way 'broadly tidy'

If it wasn't then it's not the same situation

What's the excuse for taking the OP's things and ruining them?

And bloody knickers?

My mum did exactly what OP has done when I was young and it has had absolutely no impact on our fantastic relationship. It did make me start having a bit of respect though.

Since when is being a slob and a thief a sign of autism?

I have autism, btw, an ‘official’ diagnosis.

My 12yr old's bedroom is a lot like you describe (no broken glass I hope) and she is always very reluctant to tidy it. I've showed her how to do it, done it for her on occasions, helped her to do it etc. She always reverts back to the same messiness very quickly, wich ends up spilling out of her room and onto the landing, into the bathroom, trailing down the stairs etc. She wont close her door so that the rest of us don't have to look at it because she's too scared of being "alone". So now I give her a week to get it done bit by bit herself or I will be going in there with the black bin bags and doing it myself. She's at an age now where she doesn't want me in her room touching her stuff (although she too is perfectly happy to help herself to anything of mine she fancies without asking!) and she'll eventually get it done herself as she knows I'm serious about doing it myself while she's at school as I've done it before when she continued to ignore my requests past the deadline.

It might be her room but having it in that kind of state is no good for her or anyone else in this house, when she's running late for the school bus because she can't find her tie or left shoe, when she can't find her favourite top or toy we are the ones who get screamed at/blamed and I'm, not having it!

I retrieved everything that was mine andthen proceeded to get a load of bin bags and throw everything that was broken, dirty, clearly not given a shit about in bin bags.
There are 5 full bags which are waiting to be put out for rubbish.

That's not her 'possessions' Unless you think she wants the bloody knickers, dried up make up and broken glass back