To throw DD's things in the bin!

[ooerrrr]

Am beyond exasperated with DD (16) - her room is a shit hole and I mean a TOTAL shit hole.

Filthy clothes everywhere, on floor, under bed, stuffed back in with clean clothes. Blood stained knickers!

Food and wrappers everywhere, drinking glasses - 2 of which were smashed.
Make up literally everywhere, tops of it all, marked all over bedding

She is doing her GCSES this month and there is no possible way she can revise in that mess. School work tossed everywhere, random sheets of work crumpled and torn.

In top of it all she constantly takes my things - have found 2 pairs of my trainers with laces missing (she uses them as belts 😡) perfume under bed, used up and missing its lid, my make up ruined.

I asked, pleaded, threatened, too many times and I lost the plot this afternoon. When I went in there to get something I stood in some broken glass. I retrieved everything that was mine andthen proceeded to get a load of bin bags and throw everything that was broken, dirty, clearly not given a shit about in bin bags.
There are 5 full bags which are waiting to be put out for rubbish.

She is a Shein addict so buys more and more stuff but never looks after things.

I am not particularly house proud but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Waiting for shit to hit the fan when she gets back from work....

I have heard putting little piles of black rice around the room pretending there are mice/rats can be motivating for cleaning.

I was a gross teenager, my parents told me to clean and tidy but never told me how. It all just built up and up until I didn’t even know where to start. My sister was very kind and helped me be ruthless in getting rid of stuff, decorating and cleaning the room. I was so much better with a fresh start and now my house is the cleanest of everyone I know (sometimes a bit messy though). The broken glass is definitely a step too far though.

Personally I would ignore until after exams then do a massive blitz over the course of a few weeks, help her choose a new rug, new bed sheets and things she will be proud of and want to take care of. When it gets to the point where you don’t give a shit it can be hard to come back from without a fresh start and then you can really see how gross you were

You have my sympathy OP. My DD is 15. Her room can get quite messy. Cotton pads that’s she’s removed make up with and towels covered in fake tan are my favourite things. Unless she has a cold - then it’s snotty tissues 😭. She has to tidy it the day before the cleaners come in or they don’t clean it and - conversely - she quite likes it being all tidy. Her washing doesn’t get done if she doesn’t put in the basket and put it away afterwards.

I would be raging too. As long as you’ve not thrown anything away I think you’re all good. She can have each bag back when she’s sorted the previous? And next time you can’t see the floor the bags come back out?

I read something on here a while back about introducing big baskets into teen rooms. One for dirty clothes and one for stuff that you’ll put away later. So that things at least look manageable. And no crockery in bedroom. As for your stuff - you shouldn’t have to put a lock on your door. Does she get an allowance? If so then I wouldn’t pay it whilst she’s taking your stuff?

If she wants something back, she can go through the 5 black sacks and take the item out but bloody knickers, that’s grim. I would put my foot down about the personal stuff that she’s wrecked - they should be replaced like for like. Until she gets the cost of things she’ll never understand the value of anything.

Remain calm when she finds out.

Or....
How has she time to have a spotless room when she's studying for GCSEs AND working part time?

Jesus wept. But we'll done on adding to her stress. Am sure the time spent sorting out those binbags will be time well spent. Until you're on here in a few months whining she didn't spend every spare hour revising and for some reason seems to resent you and barely tells you anything.

YANBU.

A 16 year old “child” is also a 16 year old young adult that can legally go out to work and make a baby. They are also old enough to understand the difference between untidy and a health hazard.

There is a difference between her room looking like a jumble sale and walking through broken glass and mouldy food. The first is a clatty little beggar and I would let it slide. The second, broken glass, mouldy food items etc is disgusting, dangerous, unhealthy and attracts vermin.

You say you have thrown away BROKEN
and UNUSABLE items. If this is all you have thrown away then I wouldn’t feel bad. As for your own stuff, I would be locking it up and charging her for anything that is damaged.

16 year olds all want to be treated like adults, they need to behave like adults. Parents need to forgive, forget and make allowances now and again but not be walked all over and treated like dirt.

Jeez this place sometimes. Assuming that MH issues are the problem when OP's daughter is a lazy little dirty toad!

Seriously a 16yr old needs to be taught how to put their clothes away, trash in bin, cups etc in the dishwasher!

OP ive done this a few times with my boys, tbf it wasnt as bad as youve described, but it worked. And if they dont put their clean clothes away, i dont do any washing until its put away.

These are lifelong issues they have to dealt with and doing it for them all time is not the solution - in fact it just makes them lazier!

Good luck and let us know what happens, fingers crossed its the shock she needs.

You must be joking. Support for what?? Being a filthy, dirty pig??
She's doing GCSE's, means her brains, hands and sense of cleanliness have left ?
Give her an ultimatum to get it cleaned or you are cleaning and throwing everything.

What's with the name calling?

I have a gross teenage boy so you have my sympathies.

If I was feeling generous I'd help her to sort it out. I don't mean doing it for her but assisting with decluttering and giving the room a deep clean.

Maybe you shouldn't have to but it's what I'd do.

Wtaf?! Scared to parent your child. Unbelievable

It’s funny, generations of 16 year olds have gone through all the same stresses. Often including much worse -world wars, general strikes and serious poverty. Never mind the generations of 16 year olds who were out working full time jobs and potentially living completely independently. They mostly seem to have been able to manage some basic self respect and respect for their belongings and home.
Why do we have such low expectations of our kids nowadays?

What does ‘being a girl’ have to do with it?!

I totally understand your frustration, but try to keep things calm until after her GCSEs. I tutor year 11s, they're all cracking under pressure right now. Also, when you do address it, try to do it in a non confrontational way as much as possible. If you go on the attack she'll go on the defence and you'll get nowhere. Sit next to her and discuss it as a joint project of how you will improve the situation together.

meh. did you read the description?
if you think this is a whine about a few things not being put away rather than bloody (literaly) knickers, filth, and broken glass all over the place (plus she's ruined some of OPs things) then your reading comprehension needs brushing up pronto.

I have a ds like this. I was messy as a teen, but fuck me, he's something else. He's nd and I suspect I can see where it comes from, but it's not a get out of jail free card; he will, presumably have housemates one day.

We also work fucking hard to pay for the house he enjoys living in, so my argument is that he can at least put banana skins in the bin and not shove unwanted food behind his bed. He also destroys things and leaves the detritus.

I have tried being kind. I have shown him his to tidy up. I have provided storage solutions. I have literally stood in his room and told him what to do, one step at a time. He once spent a whole day in there, when he could have tidied it in 10 minutes. I'd confiscated his phone already.

I get the overwhelm; I get the paralysis, but there is also a part of him that cba and I'll be dammed if I'm spending what little free time I've got tidying his room. I can cope with the mess, to an extent, but it's when clean clothes I have just washed and sorted end up in the pile with food crumbs and rotting fruit that I lose my shit; the room gets sorted and we re set. He will hoover, when directed, but I've caught him sitting there, with the hoover just suckibg air and burning electricity.

'Bin bags are traumatic'

'In the time it took you to collect the things you could have tried it for her's

FOR HER!!! Her mess and mum has to tidy. I feel like this thread is a parallel planet of shit parenting advice for entitled kids. No wonder young adults can't cope with the expectations work/uni place on them if they aren't expected to clean up after themselves.

Totally different things. You can teach and encourage a 3 year old to sit down in a restaurant.

Teenagers are a completely different ball game. There's a middle ground between allowing it completely and binning the girls things.

And yet if MN is to believed so many on here pay a cleaner to clean up after them it's no wonder so many kids think that that cleaning is for other people to do. If an adult was overwhelmed on here with a messy house the MN solution is always 'get a cleaner'

Just ask her to tidy it up herself. I wouldn't do it for her. I have a 16yo and he has to tidy up his own washing. I don't pick up after him as I have other younger children to look after.

Can’t believe all the genuinely nasty messages on here, just wow. Why are you calling someone else’s daughter names? Scoffing at the fact I said bin bags are traumatic, they are. End of.

Not now come down like a ton of bricks after her GCSEs. If you screw up her exams you will regret it and if she thinks/says you screwed up her exams even if you didn't it could poison your relationship forever. Right idea wrong timing.

There comes a point where it is actually just dirty.
Are you suggesting that OP enables her daughter to live in a fucking pigsty by cleaning up after her? Your having a laugh.

I believe they may be traumatic for some people - kids who have been in care perhaps for example. The OPs kid does not come in that group. Suggesting a NT child in a loving home will be traumatised by a bin bag maybe a bit of a stretch.

The day of the Grenfell fire, we had one of our students who lived there come into school. She sat her Physics exam, I think it was and passed with a really good grade.

In another school, a young asylum seeker lad, living in a hostel for the homeless, had snow coming into his room from a hole in the ceiling. had seen his mother hacked to pieces in front of him before coming to the UK. He had no shoes for prom, I organised them for him. He did well in his GCSEs.

Again, OP has not mentioned any nd issues. We are doing (some people, obviously not all) our young people a huge disservice by patting them metaphorically on the head, saying ‘There, there, carry on, you have GCSEs to sit’. I’m not suggesting sanctions, I’m suggesting we need them to face reality, clean up when requested (how dare she get her room into this state?!) and stop stealing her mum’s stuff.